BSNYC Friday Complimentary Lute Lesson!

ESPN wants to kill you.

How do I know this? Well, as I mentioned in yesterday's post, ESPN's commentators think it's funny when drivers hit people on bikes. But that's not all. In fact, this is just the tip of a massive "sporting industrial complex" conspiracy against cyclists, for yesterday I got the following email:

Monster Cable iSport Immersion In-Ear Headphones Review Opportunity

Allowing users to enjoy pure audio adrenaline while they run, swim, surf, cycle or even hit the ski slopes, the iSport In-Ear Headphone feature a patented Proprietary In-Ear Clip design – ensuring that all the music stays in your ear where it belongs.

As we all know, there's no safer way to ride on roads teeming with deadly motor vehicles than while totally immersed in "pure audio adrenaline." Earbuds at low volume is one thing, but "immersion" is quite another, and if the point is to totally divorce you from your surroundings they might as well just come out with an "iSport Immersion Over-Eye Blindfold" to go with these things. And which "sporting industrial complex" mouthpiece says these total immersion sensory-deprivation headphones of death are "the best headphone for active use?" You guessed it, ESPN:

ESPN the Magazine recently named iSport the best headphone for active use and we would love to hear what you and (name of site) think as well.

Evidently, not only does ESPN like it when we get hit by cars, but they don't want us to be able to hear the cars coming either.

By the way, in case you're wondering, I'm apparently "(name of site)."

Just think--on your next ride, you can "block out distractions" like emergency vehicles, and instead you can get into "the zone:"

Noise isolation allows listeners to block out distractions, focus on their sport and get into “the zone.”

I should point out that, in headphone industry jargon, "the zone" means "the ER."

Also, the headphones look like two creepy invertebrates that will "double team" your skull:

Assuming you manage not to get run over by a fire engine and you actually survive your ride, these hideous contraptions will inseminate your brain, and within a matter of weeks hundreds of their tiny blue offspring will slither out of your nose looking for new earholes to hump.

In any case, here was my reply:

Re: Monster Cable iSport Immersion In-Ear Headphones Review Opportunity
From: "BikeSnobNYC"

Hi (name of person),

Yes, please send me (name of product). I look forward to blocking out distractions such as cars, pedestrians, and other cyclists and getting into "the zone" while riding on public roads.


BSNYC Media International

Naturally, he's sending me the headphones.

In the meantime, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see Bill Cosby telling you bicycles are beautiful.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and be able to hear stuff.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

(Is Johan Bruyneel running a mobile Tour de France speakeasy?)

1) During yesterday's Stage 12 of the Tour de France, Team RadioShack director Johan Bruyneel was pulled over and given a breathalyzer test.

("No-name riders" Mark Cavendish, Andre Greipel, and Tyler Farrar)

2) When it comes to pro cycling coverage, it doesn't get much dumber than ESPN.

Here’s the biggest problem with urban bicyclists: Their personalities. They exude a sense of superiority as they sip vitamin water amid an afternoon breeze while I, just for argument’s sake, may be tucking into a Filet-O-Fish in the sealed confines of my car, quickly abandoning hope of finding parking near my gym.

3) Some fish sandwich-eating idiot wants to ban bikes from:

--St. Louis
--Outer space

4) Who "bedazzled" this bike?

5) The hot new bike is the:

("This ain't no ungulate shit.")

6) It is possible to ride a bicycle with a giraffe on your arm.

("Noob" nature photographer shoots giraffe from the non-drive side)

7) Giraffes are:

***Bonus Higher Meh-ducation-Themed Bonus Question***

(Hipster College: where coasting is for classes, not bikes.)

Which was not among the "Top 10 Hipster Colleges" of 2011?

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