GREG & MEL from tony benna on Vimeo.
Sure, the term "hipster" may be grossly overused, but when it fits it fits, and if you've got a better word for a bunch of people who take part in a Wes Anderson-inspired bike wedding I'd love to hear it:
There are those who say hipsters are a natural by-product of over-indulgent parenting, and this is borne out by the fact that the parents manage to smile even though the last thing they want to do after an exhausting flight from the Midwest is ride bicycles around San Francisco:
("You couldn't have rented a limo? We haven't been on bikes since 1959.")
Of course, when you're planning a hipster wedding, the key is attention to detail, which is why the groom composed his own vows with an old-timey typewriter:
("Sorry, just crying over the power of my own prose.")
If you're looking to write your own hipster wedding vows, feel free to use theirs as inspiration:
"Mel, do you take Greg to be your lawfully wedded husband, to coordinate outfits, to maintain a full social calendar at all times, and to view other wedded couples with disdain and do lots of eye-rolling when they bring their children to restaurants?"
Of course you do.
By the way, this is where hand-me-down Volvos come from:
More important even than vows though is wardrobe. For the groom, go with a jacket, tie, and shirt combination that looks like it came from three different people. For the bride, "schoolmarm fatale" is always a good choice:
By the way, also try to find a best man who is way into falconry and who, tragically, tries to kill himself while listening to Elliott Smith later on in the wedding video:
Then, put some "Just Married" signs on your bike:
Ride off cinematically:
And prepare to embark upon a lifetime of dress-up and make-believe:
("We like to dress like we're starring in a movie about turn-of-the-century immigrants.")
But not before hitting a bunch spot:
With special friends with special facial hair:
And special coffee with milk designs modeled after the friend's facial hair:
And even a special wedding cupcake:
All immortalized by hipster paparazzi with their vintage cameras:
Be sure to smile irreverently:
("For my bachelor party, we all got $75 beard trims and then took a nautical knot-tying class.")
And do plenty of irreverent gesticulating:
Because every fashion choice you've ever made has all led up to this moment--and more importantly, this wedding video:
I really do wish them all the best, but throughout the whole video I just kept wishing a big noisy "ethnic" wedding would come along and beat the crap out of their wedding.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see some nonplussed dogs.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may you live happily ever after in holy meh-trimony.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(Schleck wearing his time trial corset.)
1) Andy Schleck's time trialing is improving by leaps and bounds.
(Cadel Evans's passport photo.)
2) Cadel Evans has finally broken his:
3) Aydin Irmak had to be rescued after attempting to:
--Ride his singlespeed up Mt. Everest
--Cross the English Channel on a recumbent outfitted with pontoons
--Descend K2 on a unicycle
--Crash a hipster wedding
(Irmak appears to have been outfitted by Modell's.)
4) In order to carry as much excess weight as possible, Aydin Irmak added a cassette and derailleur to his singlespeed bicycle.
5) Selle Italia offers a saddle called the "Lady-Man."
(Typical New York City beach.)
6) Fill in the blank:
"Wolfe's Pond Beach on Staten Island. The lowest rated New York City beach for the third report in a row is seen here, littered with debris and ________."
("Flamme pierre" for a megalithic century.)
7) A "megalithic century" ride is:
***Special Data-Themed Bonus Question***
This spreadsheety charty thing represents:
--The positive effects of a coaching program on a cyclists's wattage output
--The relationship between protected bike lanes and bicycle ridership
--The relationship between mandatory helment laws and rider safety
--The number of DFUs (Diminutive Frenchman Units) required to break one (1) duck