Among the many crosses I bear is the unavoidable impulse to invest bicycles with human or animal characteristics. This is most apparent when I'm browsing the various internet bicycle galleries. For some people, these pictures are simply bike porn. For me, it's like going to an animal shelter and being stared at by abandoned puppies, or like going to the zoo and seeing a polar bear forced to live in a habitat the size of a suburban backyard. The following bikes are just a few that, while all different, managed to pluck the twisted spokes of my heart:
These two poor babies are tethered together in the "
front brakes are lame" cluster on Velospace. The clusterer goes on to explain that this cluster is for "people who appreciate the true ascetic of a fixed gear." Does he mean that riding a fixed gear is an act of asceticism, and that using a brake is somehow a worldly indulgence? (Though apparently wedging a rubber frog between your seatstays is not.) Or does he mean to use the word "aesthetic," meaning that a brake spoils the pure appearance of the bicycle? (Though apparently wrapping your top tube in a star-spangled crotch protector does not.) In either case, these two bikes look like wide-eyed war orphans who have been abducted and forced to join the circus. It is my heartfelt desire that they should be liberated, stripped of their frogs and top tubes and spoke cards and thrift-store baubles, and allowed to ride free as the bicycles they were born to be.
Before a poignantly non-working fireplace sits this near-naked
non-working 3Rensho. Its Dickensian owner points out that it has "been awhile but thanks to my generous family and friends its getting there." What poor bicycle must be forced to subsist on handouts and crumbs proffered by others? Why bring a bicycle into the world if you cannot afford to provide for it? Put perhaps worst of all, why photograph this poor thing in its indignity and post a picture of it online? Please, do the human thing here: skip the NJS, finish building the thing, and ride it!
Awhile back I included the so-called "
gorilla bike" in a post. In all honesty, when I first saw this I balked. But after the owner himself commented on this site I grew strangely fond of this peculiar beast and the oddly-built owner willing to torture his own groin just to give it a home and make it feel loved. However, I recently noticed that the Velospace entry has been updated. Sadly, the
gorilla bike is now for sale! This makes me sad. To what wretched fate will the owner consign gorilla bike? Like Kong himself, will this become a freak show attraction to be gawked at, never to know love again? Shame on you, owner of gorilla bike!
You know what's sad? Taking a
Shitamori behind a Japanese screen and then posting a photo of it.
But you know what's even sadder? Stealing Gumby's bike.
