Denvers Choppers Shop Towel

Another cool item from Steve Sharp's garage. The real deal from Berdoo. Quite possibly the coolest shop rag around.

BSNYC Friday Repository of the Sum of All Human Knowledge!

Okay, I don't have a lot of time, and you don't have a lot of time, so let's get right to it.

Just kidding!

(Just kidding.)

I actually have tons of time because I don't really do anything.  Sure, I'll do a little artisanal fathering now and again, and once in awhile I might get it it together to make a sandwich, but that's about it.  Really, the only time my life gets even remotely complicated is when I try to hold a cup of coffee and my smartphone at the same time, which is why I'm very glad these guys are solving my one and only problem by inventing this:

Uppercup - The first cupholder for the iPhone. Order yours now at: from Natwerk on Vimeo.

A reader recently forwarded me this invention, and while it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with bikes, it does have a lot to do with being really stupid, so I figure it's fair game.  Also, I'd be very grateful if someone could explain this guy's pants to me:

They look like a stained glass window recreated in velvet.

The inventors of the Uppercup are Frank and Reuben:

These are the guys who are going to make the ledge and very probably all other flat surfaces on which you might otherwise rest a cup of coffee obsolete, so remember their names.  Just so you don't forget, that's Frank:

And Reuben:

I'm thinking about maybe getting it together to make a sandwich a little later, except all I have in the fridge is caviar and duck fat.

Anyway, be sure to invest in the Uppercut if you're too much of a "woosie" to simply rest your coffee on the hood of somebody's parked car.

Also, in other reader-forwarded news, Mario Cipollini has gone into the ladies' clothing business, with predictable results:

That top is called the "Nippollini."

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see recumbents on ice.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and watch out for thin ice.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

(The Bloomberg soda ban would put an end to the enormous beverages LeMond enjoyed throughout his career.)

1) Greg LeMond appeared in an advertisement for which fast food chain?

--Taco Bell
--Long John Silver's
--Artie O'Sclerosis and Angie O'Plastie's Irish-American Burger Chalet

(Mario Cipollini's body is fluent in the language of love.)

2) Bicycling recently analyzed the body language Lance Armstrong used during his interview with Oprah Winfrey.  Which of the following behaviors was not included in the analysis?

--"Inappropriate nodding"
--"Jaw and neck tension"
--"Involuntary nipple secretions"

3) Suspended pro cyclist Levi Leipheimer recently took part in:

--An alleycat
--An unsanctioned mountain bike ride
--A "Wolfpack Hustle"
--A game of "USADA Reasoned Decision beach volleyball" with fellow suspended riders Dave Zabriskie, George Hincapie, Michael Barry, Christian Vande Velde, and Tom Danielson

("Come on, I'm late for a stock photography shoot!")

4) Drivers cover what percentage of US road spending?


"Well that's a myth. I never actually raced against Lance Armstrong. In my whole reign [sic] really. I raced once against him in the Criterium International 2004, never at the Tour de France... um yeah so that was the only time really."

5) Bradley Wiggins does not remember racing against Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France.

“That was the thing that upset me the most about 2009 and 2010. I thought, ‘you lying bastard.’ I can still remember going toe-to-toe with him, watching him and his body language. The man I saw at the top of Verbier in 2009 to the man I saw on the top of Ventoux two weeks later, it wasn’t the same bike rider. Watch the videos and see the way the guy was riding. I just don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth anymore."

6) Not only does Bradley Wiggins remember racing against Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France, but he totally knew he was doping.

(Steampunk Garmin)

7) Cyclists of the future will navigate cities by using:

***Special Bret-Inspired Career Choice-Themed Bonus Question***

Make a difference with a career in:

Wurst Fajita Ever: Freeloaders of the World Unite

In yet another stunning pro cycling revelation, it appears that three-time Tour de France winner Greg LeMond may have been involved in a Taco Bell commercial during the height of his career:

This was not long after Taco Bell introduced America to the fajita, widely regarded as the EPO of ersatz Mexican food.  "Think of it as a Mexican steak sandwich," Taco Bell explained helpfully in the commercial, leading to widespread fears that the fajita was going to steal jobs from hardworking American steak sandwiches.  Nevertheless, the peloton embraced the fajita, and its use was widespread until 2008, when two Slipstream-Chipotle riders where killed in a tragic Tour of California podium fart-and-fall:

Since then, the UCI's "flatulence passport" has gone a long way towards reducing fajita use in the pro ranks, though a code of "omerta" still reigns, and the prevailing attitude in the peloton is still very much "Whoever smelt it, dealt it."

Speaking of eating, Jan Ullrich still ain't talkin':

(Talk about a rundfahrt!  Nobody put away the fajitas like Ullrich.)

He may break wind, but he's not breaking his silence:

While Armstrong admitted his doping past in an interview with talk show host Oprah Winfrey earlier this month, Ullrich refuses to break his silence.

"I will certainly not go Armstrong's way and speak in front of millions of people, even if some of them ask me repeatedly and perhaps expect to hear something," Ullrich told Focus magazine. "I live in the here and now and I am very happy." 

Yeah, right.  I give him two weeks before he's on German Oprah:

(German Oprah is way more fun than American Oprah.)

Or maybe German Ellen:

(German Ellen is way more homoerotic than American Ellen.)

Or maybe even German "The View:"

(German "The View" is much less menopausal than American "The View.")

Ullrich may already be a member of the clean plate club, but it may finally be time for him to join the clean conscience club.

("I'm eating my guilt in wurst form!")

Speaking of gas, you know how some drivers think it's all right to run you off the road since they pay for it and you don't?  Well, that's not exactly how it works:

Unfortunately it's far too difficult to convey all of this information during a roadside altercation in which words are at a premium, so if you're looking for effective shorthand just stick with calling the driver a "freeloading cocksucker."  That should go a long way towards diffusing the situation.

By the way, a few days ago I was DRIVING MY CAR THAT I OWN (unlike David Byrne and exactly like the freeloading cocksucker that I am) and I was waiting at a red light.  In front of me was a woman in a BMW, and in front of her was someone who didn't realize you could make a right turn on red at this particular intersection.  First, the woman in the BMW started beeping like a lunatic.  Then, the light finally turned green and she sped off, nearly hitting a very startled woman in the crosswalk who still had the "walk" signal.  After that, she pursued and deliberately cut off the driver who had "delayed" her for what amounted to maybe nine seconds.  

As it happened, moments later, the woman in the BMW and I ended up parking almost right next to each other.  Sliding out the window of my General Lee replica, I then approached her and politely pointed out that she could have easily killed the woman in the crosswalk.  The bullet points of her defense were as follows:
  • The woman she almost hit should not have been "standing in the middle of the street."
  • She herself was "Not from around here."  (Her license plate said that she was from Connecticut, where presumably it is okay to run down pedestrians in crosswalks.  I recommended she go back where she came from.  She did not like that, even though it was good advice.)
  • Anyway, I should leave her alone because her kids were in the car.  (Apparently they have the emotional fortitude to witness road rage and homicidal driving, but not neighborly concern.)
  • I should "Go to hell."
With that, she slammed her car door and strode angrily into Talbots:

I guess I can't blame her for almost running somebody over, because that's a great fucking deal on some cardigans.

Anyway, if you're also flush with cardigan savings, you may want to take advantage of a unique investment opportunity to which I was recently alerted by the inventors:

Basically, it appears to be a social networking bicycle app designed to transform unwitting victims into vampires.  I was immediately suspicious when I met the head of "business development:"

That guy is so a vampire.  Anybody who wears a bowtie is a vampire.

Next, my suspicions were confirmed when the subject of the video rode down a flight of steps:

And then encountered two figures standing before a mysterious statue:

Who slowly turn, revealing the bloodlust in their eyes;

We don't actually see the attack, but this guy has obviously just been bitten and is now undergoing the process of vampirification:

And this guy's not even trying:

Invest at your own risk.