As a cyclist, I do my best to ignore these ugly truths. However, the noxious paint fumes of reality seem to have permeated my little bubble—even cycling seems to have gone all “Thunderdome” these days. It seems everywhere I turn I see something that makes me think the future of cycling will resemble Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road,” but without all the sidesplitting humor. Here are just a few recent harbingers:
This Video On Makezine
The crack-addled MacGyvers at makezine.com put together this video on how to build a single-speed bike. (Or a “hipster bike,” as they so pithily call them.) Non-cycling publications and websites should keep their hands out of our pockets, and the fact that they’re not is disturbing. Factually speaking, this thing has more holes than a tandem hub. If it were a drag performer, it would call itself “Miss Information.” If I want a smug attitude and bad advice, I’ll just go to a bike shop, thanks very much. These guys are almost as bad as the Fixed Gear Death Woman.
Rampant Top Tube Pad Theft
This morning, I stumbled upon this Craigslist posting:
Stolen black/grey top tube pad in williamsburg
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-08-21, 12:22AM EDT
To the perosn who stole my black (outside) and grey (inside) UTW top tube pad on Bedford and North 7 on Sunday. Can you please return it to me. I'm sure it probably doesn't even fit your bike as I had it custom made for a thick 13mm top tube. I just got it and it cost me a bit of money. No questions asked. Just drop it off at KCDC skateshop on North 11 between berry and wythe for a Sel (me). I don't work there.
It'd be great if you returned it instead of throwing it out cuz it doesn't fit.
Please help me restore my faith in humanity.
Thanks. s.
Now, I’ve made no secret of my disdain for top tube pads. But the only thing worse than buying a top tube pad (a custom made one, no less) is stealing a top tube pad. That’s like walking down the street, seeing a dachschund in a sweater tied up outside, and stealing the sweater. I don’t want to bring children into a world where roving hordes of idiots are stealing top tube pads, seatpost cozies, Barbie valve caps, or any of the other crap people are putting on their bikes. If you’re one of these people and are reading this, give this poor guy his custom top tube pad back. (And if you’re the top tube pad guy, if you want to protect your frame when you’re locking it up just buy some foam pipe insulation instead.)
Eric Clapton Not Using Bar Tape
Now, I’ve made no secret of my disdain for top tube pads. But the only thing worse than buying a top tube pad (a custom made one, no less) is stealing a top tube pad. That’s like walking down the street, seeing a dachschund in a sweater tied up outside, and stealing the sweater. I don’t want to bring children into a world where roving hordes of idiots are stealing top tube pads, seatpost cozies, Barbie valve caps, or any of the other crap people are putting on their bikes. If you’re one of these people and are reading this, give this poor guy his custom top tube pad back. (And if you’re the top tube pad guy, if you want to protect your frame when you’re locking it up just buy some foam pipe insulation instead.)
Eric Clapton Not Using Bar Tape
I was reading the excellent Dave Moulton blog recently when I came upon this post, which I read with interest. I then followed the link to Eric Clapton’s own blog, where I was shocked to find that his track bike doesn’t have bar tape. This is disturbing. Could he be planning to flop-and-chop those bars next? Is a custom Cream top tube pad on order? Is his inch-pitch drivetrain the next hot fixed-gear trend? Rest assured, I’ll be checking up on Eric’s blog. If I see a pair of Ourys on those bar tops, “Slowhand” Clapton’s going to become “No hand” Clapton.Pop Culture Ooze Bubbling Up From Our Subconscious And Into Our Bicycles
Our skies are filled with greenhouse gases, our food (while admittedly delicious) is full of hormones, and our brains are full of crap. And like oil bubbling up from beneath the ground of a placid meadow, this crap in our brains is beginning to infuse our bicycles. Take this one, built by a guy who’s seen “The Nightmare Before Christmas” one too many times:
Brother Turning Against Brother
Here’s another Craigslist post that filled me with dismay for the future:
from a native NY’er to all the hipsters... (Midtown West)
Reply to: see below
Here’s another Craigslist post that filled me with dismay for the future:
from a native NY’er to all the hipsters... (Midtown West)
Reply to: see below
Date: 2007-08-20, 5:59PM EDT
whats so cool about the fixies? please someone explain the need for everyone to ride the same bike! there are reasons for riding these types of bikes and i dont believe that most of you that ride them know what those are...they are not that cool but might get a you a ticket into williamsburg
thanks
I wish I could tell this guy to go back to where he came from, but apparently that’s here. Take it from me, being born in New York is not in and of itself an accomplishment. I know because I did it and I didn’t have a hand in it, trust me. Look, obviously most of us can relate to this guy’s frustration, but this post is the equivalent of standing in front of a brick wall and scratching the seat of your pants with a puzzled expression. Actually, this guy’s probably the Top Tube Pad Thief.
At the same time, when reading this we’re also forced to confront the fact that bicycles are now making people angry. (And yes, I know I help fuel that fire.) Hopefully one day the John Lennon of cycling will arrive on the scene and reunite us all with corny ballads and ersatz spirituality. I'm imagining a Freegan who drives a pedicab for a living and is really into composting, and after work rides a recumbent with SPD sandals which he uses to haul his garbage home from his friends' houses.
Let us all pray for that.
