What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas—except for gimmicky bike products, which unfortunately follow us around all year long. I too have been hard at work developing some new products designed to make the cycling world a better place—for me. I will be displaying these products next week at my Interbike booth, which will be located in a restroom stall in the Sands Convention Center. No appointment necessary, just get in the stall next-door and tap your foot impatiently. (Though if you pick the wrong restroom and there are any congressmen in town, this could go horribly awry.)
Anxiety-Sensing Pedals
There’s certainly nothing wrong with unclipping a foot from your pedal as you approach an obstacle or tricky situation. However, sometimes you get stuck behind timid cyclists who stop pedaling and unclip at the merest hint of difficulty: a wadded-up tissue; a sparrow bathing in dust; even a single dry autumn leaf can be enough to make them unclip faster than an untied torture victim unclips himself from a car battery.
I figure if these riders don’t have to worry about unclipping, they’ll keep pedaling, and I can get to where I’m going. So, using polygraph technology, I’ve developed a pedal that will automatically release when your stress levels reach a certain threshold. And you determine the threshold! Simply set it the way you’d set the mechanical release tension on an ordinary pedal and ride. Next time you encounter a shallow puddle or a sheet of newspaper, you can pedal confident in the knowledge that your pedal is fully in tune with your complete insecurity.
Tri Bike-Filtering Eyewear
When it comes to triathlons, I prefer to live in denial. The lenses on my new line of eyewear will filter out all triathlon bikes when you put them on, so you don’t have to look at them. I’m also developing a recumbent version, as well as one that will filter out certain colors of Velocity Deep Vs. (For Bianchi-haters, you will also be able to special-order Celeste-blocking lenses at an upcharge.)
Laser-Guided Water Bottle
Another source of irritation for me in group rides and races is the rider who can’t seem to put his bottle back after he drinks from it. Coaxing a nervous parakeet back into its cage is difficult; putting a plastic bottle back into its cage is not. Nonetheless, some riders swerve all over the road as they attempt to complete this simple task. First they blindly stab at the cage with the bottle. Then they swerve the bike back and forth and hold the bottle still, as if that will somehow work better. It’s like watching someone fail a sobriety test. What are people keeping in their bottles—vodka? At any rate, my laser-guided water bottle will put an end to this once and for all. After you drink, the bottle emits an intermittent beeping sound. Just move the bottle around the vicinity of the cage. When you get a “lock,” the beeping sound becomes constant. Then—bombs away! Just jab that sucker downward and in it goes.
Combination Leg-Waxing and Tubular-Gluing Kit
What’s more annoying than trying to find the perfect gift for the roadie who has everything? Well, here’s one more thing they didn’t know they needed. This environmentally-friendly and pleasant-smelling adhesive is equally effective at sticking tires to your rims and as a depilatory. Line up at the start with smoothness, and then corner with confidence! No toolkit (or toiletry kit) is complete without it.
Modular Bicycle Stopping Device
A problem I’ve been encountering with increasing frequency is the fixed-gear rider who overtakes me in traffic and then suddenly skids in order to stop himself from slamming into some taxi door or jaywalker. I feel it’s completely unfair that I should be put at risk because they choose to slow their bicycles in such a ridiculous manner. For this reason, I’ve developed a device that attaches to a bicycle’s fork. Basically, it’s a lever-actuated caliper that grips the wheel rim, creating friction and subsequently slowing the bicycle. The lever is handlebar-mounted, and is not only easy to reach, but offers much more modulation than leg-braking while still allowing for it. And, it can be easily removed in the unlikely event you wish to ride on a track. I’ve personally been using this device on all my bikes (fixed included) and can attest to its efficacy and unobtrusiveness.
