Velo Messianism: Who Will Save Us From Ourselves?

An irate commenter suggested yesterday that bike snobbery and elitism is killing cycling. I think we can all agree that he had a point. And I think we can also all agree that his point was wrong. Nonetheless, awhile ago I speculated in a post that perhaps a “John Lennon of Cycling” would arrive and re-unite us. So in light of yesterday’s discussion, I’ve been thinking more about this. If a Messianic figure were to come and save us, who would he be? What form would he take? And, most importantly, what would he ride? Here are a few possibilities.

David Duchovny on a Tri Bike


Monotonous actor David Duchovny, formerly of the “X-Files” and now star of “Californication,” could be just what we need. His soporific mumbling can tranquilize even the most excitable among us, and the fact that he does triathlons means we can all make fun of him instead of each-other. After all, Messiahs are supposed to suffer for all mankind. And triathlons are like cyclocross without the skill, or like alleycats without the fun. We should be able to revile the hell out of him.


The Rebbe Menachem Schneerson on a Rivendell Rambouillet


The deceased Chabad-Lubavitch rabbi is already considered by many to be the Messiah. Were he to return to Earth astride a Rivendell, I think few of us would disagree. Why the Rivendell? It goes great with the beard. Why Schneerson? Well, his sect is based in Brooklyn, and Brooklyn is second only to Portland in terms of being a cycling community at war with itself and in need of saving.


The God of Cyclocross


I don’t know who this would be exactly. All I know is he or she would be the living embodiment of the spirit of cyclocross. Kind of like how Greek gods were the embodiment various virtues and aspects of life. The God of Cyclocross would be affable to a fault, wear Crocs with wool socks, and drink beer brewed in small batches. He would also wield a pit stick like a sceptre and get on and off his bike more often than Courtney Love gets on and off heroin.


John Kerry and George Bush On A Burley Tandem


I steer clear of political debates the way roadies steer clear of gravel. But whichever way you lean politically there is no more enduring image of the 2004 election than Bush on his Trek mountain bike and Kerry on his Serotta road bike. What beautiful yin-and-yang symmetry! I feel that uniting the two of them atop a Burley tandem would somehow neutralize all hostility in the bike world. It would be like spraying a gigantic can of Static Guard on the cycling community.


Tinker Juarez’s Hair

Tinker Juarez is a legend of the sport. And according to Rastafarianism, dreadlocks are a measure of one’s wisdom and knowledge. (At least according to Wikipedia.) So logically, we can conclude that Tinker Juarez’s hair contains the power of his talent and experience. I’m imagining the hair as a separate entity which roams freely, attaching itself to the heads of those most in need of enlightenment and imbuing them with wisdom and peace. Just imagine Tinker’s hair had leapt onto the head of Congressman Patrick McHenry like an overly amorous starfish while he was making that wacky speech about bicycles being a 19th century solution to the energy crisis. He would have suddenly gotten all bike-lovey and sent an intern to buy him some panniers. It would have been like that scene in “History of the World” where Gregory Hines stops the Romans with marijuana smoke.