I know I'm supposed to pant and slobber all over a pristine Hetchins, and that's probably why they have the reverse effect on me. I'm not afraid to admit I'm totally unimpressed by this bicycle, especially when it's photographed in such a contrived and melodromatic manner as to make Randy the Veloliloquy bike look like it was thrown up against a graffiti-covered wall and shot with a cell phone cam. Take this shot for instance:
"Ooh, I'm hiding. Aren't I coy? Don't you want me?" No, not really. I like a lug as much as the next guy, but the curlicued and filigreed lugs of the Hetchins leave me cold. Probably because they remind me of a window in winter. I realize many people see beauty when they look at these, but I just see frost, fractals and stress risers:
I'd rather have seen a photo shoot with a little more wit and irreverence. Like maybe the owner could have put on a tweed top tube pad, stuck a Sherlock Holmes hat on the bars, and laminated a few pages from a Kingsley Amis novel and used them for spoke cards. I also see nothing to celebrate in a bike that's over 40 years old and looks like it's never been ridden. If this bike were to somehow fall into my hands the first thing I'd do is take it for a three hour ride in some road salt. This should doubtless make Hetchins fans cringe. Of course, Hetchins fans also cringe over things like sloping top tubes and carbon frames bulging with bubos, despite the fact that the overwrought lugs and curvy chainstays on those old Hetchinses are the mid-20th century equivalent.
On the other end of the spectrum, in the gaffes department, we have this ill-advised build. Singleator? See ya later! Who's going to be the one to tell him it will all end in tears? I feel like I'm looking at the Titanic just as it left port. (As opposed to the Hetchins, which just makes me want to drink port.)
On the other end of the spectrum, in the gaffes department, we have this ill-advised build. Singleator? See ya later! Who's going to be the one to tell him it will all end in tears? I feel like I'm looking at the Titanic just as it left port. (As opposed to the Hetchins, which just makes me want to drink port.)
Thankfully though there are still people out there who know how to rig kludges that actually work. If you were as big a fan of the Kludgie winner as I was, you'll be thrilled to know that not only is there another rider out there with similar gumption, but he's also apparently from the same place as the Kludgie winner. All I can say is that Peachtree City, GA must be home to the beating heart of the American way. Is there anything they can't do there? Personally, I'd take this schizophrenic freak bike over that Hetchins any day, even if it does look like the guy just fished around in his parts bin blindfolded and bolted together whatever he pulled out. I'm afraid I can't give away a second kludgie, but the least I can do is honor this guy with a "Shimmy:"
