Fixedgeargallery...of top tube trends.

As 2007 draws mercifully to a close, I find myself looking back and rembering all the noteworthy things that have happened this past year. Soporific former Vice President Al Gore left his giant carbon footprint in history by winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Floyd Landis left his carbon-soled footprint in history by losing the Tour de France a year after he won it. Ted Nugent released "Love Grenade." And a man in Vermont found a condom in his Burger King sandwich.

With mere days to go until 2008, it's possible that this year may be remembered for something else as well--the year the top tube pad went out of style.

Now, I'm no optimist, and I'm certainly not one to raise false hopes. However, while they certainly won't disappear overnight, I have been seeing indications that the heyday of the top tube pad may in fact be behind us. As of today, 120 bicycles have been posted on Fixedgeargallery.com since December 1st. And of those, only four--or roughly 3.3%--have what I would call bona-fide top tube pads. Let's take a look:

Pad #1

I struggled over whether or not to count this one. Firstly, it's a polo bike, and bike polo has less in common with actual cycling than it does with pastimes like golf, ultimate frisbee, hacky-sack, and playing croquet ironically. Secondly, the owner calls it a "cum polo bike" in the description, which is just disgusting. But in the end, like the rim of an undertensioned wheel, I gave in.

Pad #2

There's no denying that the top tube pad on this bike wants to burst forth from its velcro and nylon shroud, stand up, and be counted. Certainly though its presence can be attributed to the zeal of convert--this is somebody's first fixed-gear and he can't buy enough stuff for it. But when the dust settles, the excitement wears off, and the Aerospoke has shattered, I have a feeling he will join the denizens of the naked.

Pad #3

Speaking of cheesy pads, here's someone who actually lives in one. "How can I show off my bicycle, my flat-screen TV, my audio system, my kitchy lizard toy and my sleek, modern furniture all at the same time? I know! I'll post the whole lot on fixedgeargallery!" Oh, right, sorry--the bike is for his girlfriend. That's probably the same thing he tells the cashier when he goes to Sephora and buys $75 worth of skin care products for himself. If he's waiting to upgrade the bike as she "learns to ride better," why didn't he put a brake on it? Have we broken through to a new dimension of irony where you now must master brakeless fixed-gear riding before putting a brake on your bike? In any event, while it doesn't have a brake, it does have a top tube pad. So at least when she crashes the bike won't get scratched.

Pad #4

This bike has a custom silk-screened top tube pad. So he's going to use that thing whether they're in style or not. Speaking of style, he seems to be lagging a bit behind. Hed tri-spokes are the new Aerospoke, and vintage Italian saddles are the new Brooks.

The Also-Rans

Of course, while I'd suggest anybody looking to get into the crotch-and-bike protection racket should wait and see where things are going before they jump in head-first, clearly putting padding on your top tube isn't entirely dead. In addition to the bikes above, there were others that had various kinds of wadded-up crap on their top tubes as well. However, for various reasons, I chose not to count them. Here they are:

Also-Ran #1

I couldn't tell whether this was an actual top tube pad or just a tourniquet meant to stanch the hemorrhage of ugliness. So I didn't count it.

Also-Ran #2

I did not count this one either, since it's not on a road or track frame. Rather, it's on a bike I can only think of as "Gigantitron Lite."

Also-Ran #3

I did not count this one because it's from Latvia. Just as much of the starlight we see at night is actually from long-dead suns, people in Latvia are only now adopting trends that have long since passed here. Plus, arguably it's short enough to be considered a top tube protector and not a top tube pad. Strictly speaking a protective layer should cover at least 50% of the top tube to be considered a top tube pad.

Also-Ran #4

I don't know if he's protecting his top tube from impact or from STDs, but either way rubber doesn't count.

So there you have it. Like spotting a fish in the Gowanus, it would appear that perhaps there's hope for this polluted waterway of bike culture yet. Unless parrots become the new top tube pad. This one may have been trained by Grant Petersen himself:

"Always keep your bars higher than your saddle. Skwaaawk!"