I generally treat the holiday season like a cyclocross race--I keep my head down, try not to crash, and pretend it isn't happening. Unfortunately, though, no matter how determined you are to ignore it it's inevitable that you're going to have to participate in it at some point by buying someone a gift. If you find it absolutely necessary to buy a cyclist a gift this holiday season, here's a list that will hopefully help you get the whole ordeal overwith and get back to riding:
Roadies
This is the time of year when amateur road racers across the country work on designing their team kits for next season. And as all roadies know, the more brightly colored the kit the more pro you look. Unfortunately, though, some of these colors can also be translucent, and even the most dedicated roadies stop shaving at the upper thigh. If your team happens to wear light colors you can easily fall victim to VBS, or "Visible Bush Syndrome." That's right, I'm talking about that embarassing dark shadow in the crotchal region that can ruin your next podium appearance. Fortunately, pubic hair dye is easily available. It's inexpensive and it comes in a variety of colors, including Passion Plum, Intense Red, Amber Flame, and Carmine Pink (formerly T-Mobile). It's the perfect gift for the special roadie in your life.
Fixed-Gear Freestylers
Wanna make a fixed-gear freestyler happy? Well, nothing makes them happier than skidding. Unfortunately though, while epic-length stem-humping skids are fun, they're also tough on tires, and a dedicated FGF can go through more Armadillos in a month than a tractor-trailer on a Texas highway. That's why airless tires make a perfect gift. Sure, the ride quality is terrible, but it's about skidding, not riding. Best of all, you don't have to change a tire until you hit rim! (Or until your rear wheel looks like a decagon.) He or she will be skidding like a drunken teenager from Greenwich in Daddy's BMW on prom night!Commuters
Commuting by bicycle is all about two things: smugness and safety. And while your favorite bicycle commuter probably already has all the "One Less Car" stickers and t-shirts he needs, he can always be safer. Now he can burn with the brightness of a thousand suns--or at least three million candlepower units--with a hand-held spotlight! There won't just be One Less Car--there'll be like fifty less cars when he blinds oncoming drivers with an output equivalent to roughly thirty automotive headlights and runs them clear off the road. Why not help him take back the streets by taking away someone's retinas this holiday season?BMXers
The year was 1987. In movie theaters, we were thrilled by "Robocop," swept away by "Dirty Dancing," and laughing at "Full Metal Jacket." On TV, we were delighted by the antics of "Alf," "Night Court," and "60 Minutes." And on our Walkmans, Michael Jackson was still "Bad," Bon Jovi was "Slippery When Wet," and we were swept away by the "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack. We were also in the grip of Scooter Mania. That's right, freestyle BMX-inspired scooters were all the rage. For a brief and exceedingly dorky moment America's top riders tore up the half-pipes on the Mongoose Miniscoot, the Dyno Zoot Scoot, and the General Sidekick. Sadly, those days are gone. But what BMX enthusiast wouldn't want to own a piece of the most embarassing chapter in BMX history? If you'd like to help him--or if you're looking to stay on the cutting edge of retro-chic--head on over to http://www.bmxmuseum.com/ and check out the classifieds.
Freeriders, Gravity Riders and Other Wearers of Full-Face Helmets
If you've got a friend or loved one who rides a bike that looks like it should have a motor and weighs over 40 pounds, chances are he'll love the THE Torch sweatshirt, forwarded to me by a reader. This is the ideal garment for riders who also enjoy things like paintball, DJing, bands like Korn, and first person shooter games with racist overtones. It's also a great gift for messengers--not the fixed-gear messengers everyone likes to copy, but those other messengers who ride mountain bikes , wear goggles and full body armor, and don't get invited to parties in Williamsburg.
Cyclocrossers
Sure, every cyclocrosser worth his cantis has a pair of Crocs and a pair of knee-high rubber boots in the rear of his Subaru. But only the most dedicated have a pair of full-on waders. These are absolutely essential when you're on pit duty for a friend or teammate in the Florida everglades, the La Brea Tar Pits, or parts of Oregon. (Includes a handy pocket for storing GU packets, cowbells, and the shards of your dignity.)
Tourers
Randonneurs
What Francophilic cyclist wouldn't love the gift of cheese? It's perfect for nibbling by the fire after that Brevet as you peruse the "Rivendell Reader," pet your loyal Alsatian, and inch your spouse ever closer to divorce by holding forth on your feelings regarding fenders, lugs, and braze-ons.
Recumbent Riders
Finally, for that rider in your life who hasn't given up lying on his back with his feet flailing in the air, give the gift of on-the-bike entertainment with a mobile. It's easy to install, it will amuse and delight him as he rides, and it will even make him more visible to motorists. He'll slobber in his beard with delight!
