This Just In: I Must Away (and Friday Fun Quiz)!

Tomorrow is Halloween, which means Portlanders are quivering in anticipation over the opportunity to ride their bikes while wearing costumes (even though that's what they do every weekend). I too will be "palping" a whimsical outfit, having engaged a noted costumier to dress me as a burrito. So "epic" is this burrito costume that I've already begun the lengthy process of donning it. While I'm currently able to type thanks to a pair of temporary arm holes, once those are sealed off all traces of humanity will be invisible and the illusion will be complete. Then, once I finish trick-or-treating (I will be towed around the neighborhood in a specially-constructed bike trailer by my helper monkey, Vito), the lengthy and daunting extrication process will begin. My costumier anticipates it will take at least four days to get me out of the burrito costume, after which he recommends a period of bed rest. As such, I will be forced to undertake a period of non-blogging, and will return on Monday, November 9th with regular updates.

In the meantime, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz, which given my burrito costume-induced absence you will have over a week to complete. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it, and if you're wrong you'll see "Hellbent: Bike Couriers of Vancouver."

Thank you very much for your readership, comments, and emails. I will miss these things as I lay sealed in my burrito costume like a guacamole-covered pupa, and I look forward to emerging on November 9th. Until then, ride safe, and if you see any giant burritos be sure give them some candy.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) How much for this "Semi-Industrial Burrito Making Machine" on Craigslist?

--$100

--$200 and a fixed-gear bicycle

--$1,000, or trade for a functioning pizza oven
--Nothing, it's free!

thanks to the nypd officer who - 30 (East Village)
Date: 2009-10-26, 10:45AM EDT

helped me avoid getting jumped for my bike on astor place sunday afternoon.

"_________________________________" was the last thing i could hear the officer saying to my would-be assailant.

thanks!

2) What did the police officer say to the would-be assailant?

--"He may be afraid of you, but I'm not."

--"Lime green Velocity in the morning, bike thief take warning. Green rim in the afternoon, you're a buffoon."

--"The pregnant word would be 'symbiosis.'"
--"Hey! If anybody's gonna jump this guy it's gonna be me."

3) Mike Giant has just "dropped" a dramatic new video of himself:

--Getting a Fausto Coppi back tattoo

--Rolling a joint

--Showing San Francisco both his fixie "skillz" and his underpants

--All of the above

4) Clothing company Castelli recently unveiled a program called:

--"Dress Like A Pro"

--"Dress Like A Ho"

--"Dress Like Roger Hammond"

--"Dress Like A Fred"

5) Safety first! What is a "safety meeting?"

--A euphemism for "foffing off"

--A euphemism for smoking marijuana

--A pre-group ride helmet check recommended by the League of American Bicyclists

--A euphemism for safe sex

6) Safety first! This van has just:

--Ignored a stop sign

--Run a red light in front of a school

--Completed its third consecutive u-turn

--Sideswiped two parked cars

"With BeVideo: Hipster, you'll learn all the basics of the hipster lifestyle, from how to make your own skinny jeans, to how to cruise around on your hipster 1-speed, to how to perfect your hipster attitude."

7) "BeVideo: Hipster" is:

--A mail-order video series

--An upcoming TV series on VH1

--An iPhone "app"

--Free with your purchase of a Felt Curbside