As for me, after my docafish (a dog stuffed with a cat stuffed with a goldfish) I gave thanks for my new abode. You know, I was apprehensive at first, but I'll be darned if living on the observation deck of the Empire State Building isn't all I hoped it would be and more. Not only do the extreme wind gusts obviate the need for vacuuming, but tourists are also appreciative of my spirited song and dance numbers and fill my upturned top hat with loose change after nearly every performance. The point is that I'm flush--so flush I may get myself a new bicycle cycle:
The new 650b mountain bikes are the next big thing and the Bee's Knees 2x10 650b mountain bike is a perfect example of why. The Bee's Knees has the benefits of a 29er without the draw backs. Its bigger size wheels(about 27.5") means you can roll over stuff that would stop most 26" MTB's, but it is smaller and more nimble than a full-size 29er bike. It's a sweetly spec'd bike at a value you won't find anywhere else.
Presumably this also means that 650b tires, tubes (if you're one of those LOSERS who still uses inner tubes) and forks are all widely available now, which is precisely why I won't be embracing this wheel size. I prefer the sense of smug self-satisfaction that comes with riding a truly obscure "standard," and so I'm converting my entire stable to 640q. In case you don't subscribe to the Rivendell Reader, 640q was the standard wheel size for 18th century Austrian hay carts, and it has all the benefits of 29er wheels and 650b wheels with none of the drawbacks. (This is just another way of saying it's round.) Sure, I need to hand-stitch my own tires, but it's a small price to pay for something that doesn't overlap with my elf shoes:
I mean seriously, who still rides in genie shoes? Probably rides a 29er with inner tubes too. Also, as a bike blogger I would be remiss if I didn't include a wheel size-themed poll, so here it is:
Eat that, legitimate cycling press.
Meanwhile, in other product news, did you know that there's finally a home test for dried semen?
(Cyber Monday special! Buy six dried semen tests and get a free weed test! Because if you can't keep track of where you ejaculated then you're probably stoned.)
Sorry, wrong blog. I get confused "curating" so many. I meant to post that one on I Can't Believe It's Not Semen. (I'm announcing a book deal for that one imminently. The packaging is going to be fantastic, right down to all the pages being stuck together.) Oh, I almost forgot the semen poll:
Anyway, please allow me to start again.
Meanwhile, in other product news, a reader informs me that if you live in a place with no bicycle infrastructure you can now buy yourself your very own bike lane on eBay:
Here's how it works:
Why just be visible to motorists when you can also confuse the fuck out of them? The biggest problem I see here is that the areas without bicycle infrastructure tend to be rural--the very same places where people in overalls keep thinking they're seeing alien spaceships. Therefore, should you attempt to use one of these, the best-case scenario is that it leads to a sudden uptick in reported UFO sightings, and the worst-case scenario is that someone throws you into his pickup truck and you wind up in a "I'm a-gonna probe you before you probe me" situation. (Yes, I'm an expert on rural American speech patterns, because to me the vast expanse between the coasts is just one gigantic stereotype.)
This is not to say we don't have our own problems here in New York City, and indeed the authorities are looking to question a salmon in connection with the death of a skateboarder:
"The skateboarder was moving along side the truck. A man on a bicycle riding north on University place caused the skateboarder to swerve into the truck with his board and himself going underneath the vehicle. The truck driver was not doing anything wrong and probably could not have seen the Boarder who was moving along the right side of the truck."
And here is video of the salmon, who evidently just rides away from the scene of the deadly collision he may well have caused:
This person could very well be the absolute worst cyclist in all of New York City--but, you know, at least he was wearing his helment. And if nothing else, it could be time to introduce a "zero tolerance" policy towards bike salmoning--just like Alberto Contador wants to introduce a "zero tolerance" policy towards doping:
"For cycling, it should be zero tolerance, I express myself less certain but it is clear that there is no place for cheaters," the Spaniard explained.
Presumably the zero tolerance policy does not apply if the substances in question are contained in meat, a delicious loophole known as the "steak exemption."
Lastly, speaking of stereotypes (as I was earlier), it's both easy and fulfilling to stereotype Freds, and here's an email I recently received:
i thought this might interest you
Indeed it does, though I believe in that part of the world they're called Frédérics.