It's been less than a month since I've moved from Queens's hemorrhoid (or "Brooklyn" for all you out-of-towners), but as far as bicycle cycling goes I'm already getting sperled for cherce. Sure, it's pretty easy to take a decent Fred ride (apart from the shame) from where I live now, and it's also pretty easy to take a decent mountain bicycle ride (apart from my propensity to fall down), but what if I want something that sort of splits the difference? Like riding a bike with those curvy-type handling bars they use in the Tour de France, but on the dirt instead of on the ass-fault? Well, it turns out that's pretty easy too.
First I roll out of my heated bike garage and right onto this unpaved trail:
By the way, if you're wondering what a real cockpit looks like, here's your answer:
(You can put your precious clean white bar tape right up your Rapha hole.)
I'll change that bar tape exactly when I run out of electrical tape with which to repair it. Also note that this bicycle is equipped with a fully automatic transmission. (At least I assume it's an automatic transmission because it changes gear whenever I get out of the saddle, though that could just be my knee hitting the shifter.)
Anyway, after a short while that trail turns into this:
And then I cut over to this:
And after some abandoned mattresses and a little broken glass things improve and start to look like this:
And then they look like this:
And then they look like this:
Best of all, it's pretty hard to get lost because there's this river thing right there that lets you know when you've gone off the trail by drowning you to death, assuming you don't get hit by a train first. Oh, I also took a picture of my bike next to the trail because I'm a huge dorkus:
(What kind of dorkus takes a picture of his stupid bike and puts it on the Internet?)
If I could only have one bike it would be this slightly-too-small-for-me Surly with its handy S&S couplers, generous tire clearance, and impressive versatility. However, I can have more than one bike, which is why I have three-quarters of a fuckload of them in my heated bike garage. So there. USA, baby!
Oh, I know what your'e saying. You're saying, "You misplaced that last apostrophe!" You're also saying, "Big deal! The riding's like a million times more 'epic' where I live." Yeah, but where I live we actually have a real city, too. It's not like Portland, which is just Forest Park with a slightly trendier Albany attached. See, here I get to enjoy mediocre-plus riding in my backyard and all the inconvenience and expense of the largest city in Canada's Taiwanese Brooks knockoff saddle. I could ride all day and then hop on the subway and enjoy some of the greatest restaurants and cultural institutions in the entire world, if only I could afford them.
So there. Again.
Speaking of expense, the hydraulic disc road/cyclocross/whatever brake revolution is now upon us:
(Creabon sucklocross bike with hydrolic dick breaks.)
I'm not going to say I'd never use hydraulic disc brakes on a bicycle with those curved-type handling bars like they use in the Tour de France. Sure, I couldn't care less about this kind of stuff, but at the same time chances are that one day in the distant future I'll need new stuff, and if that's the stuff they're making and it's been refined over many years then that's probably what I'd end up with. However, I am going to say there's no freaking way I'd get near the stuff when the shifters still look like the Coneheads:
I'd also never go near a $335 cyclocross-specific cassette (or really a $335 cassette made for any purpose):
So what even makes a cassette cyclocross-specific? Well, apparently it's the "large cutouts on the aluminum backplate," which I guess are supposed to ooze mud or something. Big freaking deal. You know what you're supposed to do when your bike won't shift during a cyclocross race? Start running, you lazy slob! There was a time when the whole point of cyclocross was that it was hard and inconvenient, and you just used the old crap from your road bike, and you had to be a resourceful rider to get yourself through a difficult situation. And I'm not trying to pretend I'm some old-timer who was racing cyclocross decades ago, because I'm not--the time I'm talking about was only like two years ago. You know, back when you couldn't really buy a crabon cyclocross bike, and if you said you wanted one people would think you were an idiot. Since then though, there seems to have been some sort of marketing-driven douche-plosion, which I can only attribute to the synergistic effect that occurs when Freds and fixsters descend on something at the exact same time.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see Mormons On Bicycles.
Thanks for reading, ride safe, and always check your dick breaks before riding.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see Mormons On Bicycles.
Thanks for reading, ride safe, and always check your dick breaks before riding.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) This glove is called:
2) According to this guy, East London is the birthplace of:
--Fixed gear and singlespeed bikes
--Bespoke framebuilding
--The Beastie Boys
--Irreverent haberdashery
(Basketball is his favorite sport. He likes the way they dribble up and down the court.)
3) Professional basketball players Dwyane Wade, Lebron James, and Mario Chalmers recently participated in:
--Critical Mass
--A cyclocross race
--A tweed ride
--An alleycat
4) Crabon is out. ______ is in.
--Steel
--Stainless steel
--Titanium
--Copper
(Irritated driver karate-chops air in frustration, probably because the moron in front of her is yielding to a pedestrian in a crosswalk.)
5) The solution to all driver/cyclist misunderstandings is apparently:
--Helments
--Bike lanes
--Mandatory licensing for cyclists
--Loud honking
(Every time you press "send" on an email this guy gets to drink one less beer.)
6) There are currently three bike messenger documentaries in production for every one actual working bike messenger:
--True
--False
7) Clipless pedals improve power transfer.
--True
--False
***Special No Bonus Question-Themed No Bonus Question***
Instead, this:
I don't think I would enjoy doing something if I felt I had to be prepared to kill another human being at all times while I was doing it.
