You know how I used to kinda care enuf to spell rite and use OK grammer and put those dot things at the end of sentences and also use commas? Well sorry, those days'r over cuz I dont give a fuck anymore about anything. I'm ofically becoming a nihilist--and an illitarate one at that! Here's why:
I saw this on Twitter and I was like, "What the fuck?!? So I went to school and I watch my credit and I pay my taxes and do all the other crap you're supposed to do and all this shit is a simulation? What a fucking ripoff!" I don't know about you, but I was operating under the assumption that there was a point to all of this, and that if I did my best over many lifetimes I'd eventually get upcycled into an enlightened Buddha-like being with a shitload of money and an awesome house and a sports car where the doors open up instead of sideways.
Not only that, but you know who's looking into this theory now? Some people at Cornell University, which is like the MicroSHIFT of Ivy League schools:
In 2003, University of Oxford philosophy professor Nick Bostrom published a paper, "The Simulation Argument," which argued that, "we are almost certainly living in a computer simulation." Now, a team at Cornell University says it has come up with a viable method for testing whether we're all just a series of numbers in some ancient civilization's computer game.
Researchers at the University of Washington agree with the testing method, saying it can be done. A similar proposal was put forth by German physicists in November.
Glad the University of Washington concurs, and I'm sure it couldn't have anything to do with the easy access to legal marijuana they have out there. No doubt this brain trust of slackers and stoners will quickly get to the bottom of this universal conundrum.
And if you're wondering how they're going to do it, here's your answer:
"Using the historical development of lattice gauge theory technology as a guide, we assume that our universe is an early numerical simulation with unimproved Wilson fermion discretization and investigate potentially-observable consequences."
Yeah, no duh.
Then, once they confirm this is all a great big computer model, they're going to try to talk to the people who made it:
Interestingly, one of Savage's students takes the hypothesis further: If we stumble upon the nature of our existence, would we then look for ways to communicate with the civilization who created us?
I'm pretty sure that line of communication exists already, and it's called "LSD." A huge stoner like Savage should know this. Also, what's this nonsense about "communicating" with them? This is America! Let's find out who these bastards are and NUKE THEM for fuck's sake!
So how do you feel knowing that you're probably just a useless part of a fake universe created by some kid who was dicking around on a free computer in an intergalactic Apple store while waiting for some free porn to download? (Actually, maybe we are the porn.) And how do you feel knowing that that kid's universe is probably also a simulation, and that existence is merely an infinite circle-jerk of simulations within simulations within simulations within simulations and so forth? Are you just going to shrug it off and keep "foffing off" to your Strava? Or are you going to find out which highly evolved consciousness is ultimately responsible for this and make them pay dearly for wasting your time?
I mean, whoever's behind this must be pretty loaded. Maybe we can sue.
Anyway, speaking of collossal wastes of time, the Tour de France is going to Yorkshire:
You may know Yorkshire because of the eponymous pudding:
Although I only eat the kind of pudding that comes in pop form:
You may also know Yorkshire because of the stupid little dogs:
Which I mean, come on. What's the point of a stupider cat you have to take for walks?
But did you also know this?
"Yorkshire is a region of outstanding beauty, with breathtaking landscapes whose terrains offer both sprinters and attackers the opportunity to express themselves. We have encountered a phenomenal desire from the Yorkshire team to welcome the Tour de France and have no doubt that passion and support will be particularly evident for the Grand Départ of the Tour de France 2014.”
Yes, I love when sprinters express themselves:
(Sprinter Mark Cavendish expresses his nipple.)
As for the "outstanding beauty" claim, I conducted an image search using a popular search engine, and it's not too bad:
But who really cares, because it's all just a simulation anyway.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're not you'll see a short documentary about bicycles.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and give up on life like I have and spend the weekend drinking and crying.
(Doing what they do best.)
1) Nobody beats triathletes when it comes to:
(Mavic's Mektronic derailleur doubled as an analog cellphone so you could call for help when it failed mid-ride.)
2) 12 speed? Electronic??? A remote control?!? Yes, thanks to:
(In the heyday of the fixie craze if you didn't have friends you could buy them.)
3) The bicycle was invented in Korea.
("This is going to be so cool in like 95 years.")
4) SRAM recently merged cyclocross with which tired pop culture phenomenon?
--"2 Girls, 1 Cup"
--That "race music" which captivates reefer addicts, suffragettes, and other undesirables with its throbbing jungle rhythms
(Bad Will Driving: Just one of the many ne'er-do-wells to be apprehended by Portland's finest over the years.)
5) Portland police have finally apprehended the:
--"Tall bike buccanneer"
--Guy who made that SRAM video
6) What is this?
--A bike sauna
--A steampunk recumbent
--A human-powered meat smoker you can invest in via Kickstarter
--A trike that runs on flatulence
7) This is a steampunk sex doll vagina.
***Special Holiday-Themed Bonus Video Because Dogs!***