Attrition: Worst Day Ever On A Bike

The conditions during yesterday’s stage of the Tour of California were apparently so bad that some riders even counted it among the worst days they’ve ever had on a bike. Of course, this is quite understandable when you consider that it was the first time in years that many of these people have had to work a full eight-hour day. I was curious to hear from others about their worst-ever days on the bike, so I pretended to interview three cycling luminaries, who in my imagination were gracious enough to share their epic tales:


Mario Cipollini, professional bicycle racer and world’s ugliest male model

[translated from the Italian]

“It was Spring 1994, the eve of Milan-San Remo. Now, I have a strict no-hair policy when it comes to ‘Little Mario,’ and with the possibility of a podium showing I couldn’t risk any shadows showing up in photographs, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately my soigneur, Beppe, was ill, so I was forced to do my own manscaping. And without his precision depilatory kit, all I had at my disposal was a disposable razor and a tiny bottle of hotel shampoo. The razor burn I suffered as a consequence made the next day in the saddle undoubtedly the most uncomfortable one of my life. But it was worth it, because I did wind up on the podium, and I looked fantastic.”


Rolf Dietrich, bicycle wheel pioneer and inventor of paired-spoke technology

“First off, I’d like to say that I always have and always will stand behind paired spoke technology one hundred percent. In fact, I apply the paired spoke principle to nearly every aspect of my life. For example, I don’t eat three moderate-sized meals throughout the day. Instead, I eat two really substantial meals back-to-back every other day. And I don’t sleep eight hours a night. Instead, I take two naps during the day. This makes my life lighter, more aerodynamic and less susceptible to crosswinds.

“In any case, I’d have to say that the worst day I’ve ever had on a bike was the day I had to ride one that was equipped with a pair of traditional wheels with low-profile box-section rims and 32 evenly-spaced spokes. I had completely forgotten how heavy, sluggish, and downright stupid they are. God, people are morons! I feel sorry for them. Even the human body uses my concept. Just look at eyes, nostrils, nipples, testicles, and ovaries. It’s obvious. Paired spoke technology just plain works.”


Craig Calfee, bicycle fabricator and founder of Calfee Design

“Last summer I was in the Gansu province of China sourcing bamboo for the bicycles I’ll be providing for Organic Athlete. There’s actually a bamboo shortage in China, so my Mongolian guide, Delgerbayar, had to bribe a forestry worker who tipped us off to a supply in the Baishuijiang State Nature Preserve. When we got there, we were pleased to find a field of some of the finest bamboo I’d ever seen. Unfortunately, we also found a family of giant pandas, who turned out to be fiercely protective of their dwindling food supply. I sent Delgerbayar in first, but unfortunately while he did have the dazzling equestrian skills the Mongolians are famous for, he turned out to be somewhat less skilled in human-ursidae combat. I won’t sicken you with the details, but let’s just say they made quick work of both Delgerbayar and his horse, and Timothy Treadwell probably went quietly in comparison. Next, the pandas turned on me. Now, there may be less than 100 pandas in Gansu province, but there is only one Craig Calfee in the entire world. The only endangered species at that moment was me. I grabbed a length of bamboo that would (and ultimately did) make a perfect downtube and started swinging. Again, I won’t sicken you with the details, but the final score was Calfee: 4, Pandas: 0. I was now safe, but I was also hundreds of miles from civilization, and without Delgerbayar and his horse I had no way to cover those miles. So I set to building a bamboo bicycle completely by hand, supplementing it with the remains of Delgerbayar’s steed, and rode over 200 miles to a village where I traded a panda carcass for room and board. And that was my worst day ever on a bike.”