Alarming Frequency: One Gear, Too Many Choices

(Erik K)

While I’m certainly not alone in believing that a Fixed-Gear Apocalypse is pending, I can only speculate as to the form it will actually take. It’s natural to assume that when it arrives it will do so with lots of pyrotechnics, as a yawning chasm opens in the Earth into which the sinners will cast their cursed Pistas, their low-end steel smelted and re-fashioned by Hephaestus into whatever the next trendy bike will be. However, recent evidence suggests the onset of the Apocalypse may be more subtle. It may not be a great conflagration. It may instead take the form of the trend sort of doubling over on itself and imploding, like an alpaca chasing its tail (assuming they have them) or trying vainly to nibble off an irritating dingleberry.

There are two blips on my Apoca-dar that have been approaching each-other on a collision course for some time now. The first is this:

Nothing wrong with a cheap road-oriented fixed-gear, but when the secret website’s sister site is selling one (at a 40% discount plus an additional 15% until Saturday, which by my calculations means it costs $17.50) the assimilation is complete. But this is hardly noteworthy in and of itself. The assimilation has been complete for some time. I do, however, feel that it is noteworthy in conjunction with the other blip on my Apoca-dar:



Yep, Serotta, the favored marque of lawyers, accountants, and dentists everywhere, is now offering its own take on the road-going fixed-gear.

When a certain type of bicycle enters the zeitgeist, it’s normal for the avid cyclist to want to build one up for himself to see what all the fuss is about. Whether it’s fixed-gears, singlespeed mountain bikes, 29ers, or cyclocross bikes, if it’s in his face for long enough the handy cyclist with a full complement of tools and a brimming spare parts bin will inevitably hit the classifieds and cobble one together.

The Serotta Singolo, however is for the sort of rider who has the disposable income to add a sixth or seventh bicycle to his stable and who also gets itchy and uncomfortable when forced to ride “low-end” or mass-produced bikes. You probably know someone like this yourself. If you want to know how he feels astride lesser bicycles, imagine hating Billy Joel. (Which it’s not difficult to do.) Then imagine having to wear a Billy Joel t-shirt for a full day. You’d want to stop strangers on the street and explain that you actually hate him. You’d fold your arms in front of yourself as much as possible. And you’d probably try to wriggle out of it eventually. If you’ve ever tried to put an article of clothing on a cat, you’ve got some idea of what I’m talking about.

So when the low frequency of Performance meets the high frequency of Serotta, weird things are bound to start happening. Apocalyptic things. It’s kind of like that movie with Michael Keaton where he can talk to dead people through static. (Or at least like what I imagine it would have been like if I had actually seen the movie.)

Also noteworthy is the copy:

Horizontal (track) drop outs allow for perfect chain tension adjustment. No after-market "tensioners" needed. "Road" geometry (it's not just a track bike with brakes) offers handling familiarity and comfort.

Ooh, no pesky tensioners needed! That should save me ten bucks. And besides the fact that track ends aren’t drop-outs, I couldn’t help noting that Serotta are also boasting that it’s got road geometry and isn’t “just a track bike with brakes.” There are lots of other bikes that have actual horizontal dropouts and have road geometry too—they’re called old road frames. Why not get one of those? Their own forums are crawling with them. You might even be able to find an actual Serotta road frame. In fact, there’s one on eBay right now. It’s Scott Moninger’s old bike:

Granted, I can’t tell from the photos if the dropouts are horizontal, but the frame does advertise a cheap beer, and nothing’s hotter in the fixed-gear community than cheap beer. That alone makes it worth using an Eno hub if necessary.

And if all these frequencies aren’t deafening enough, Serotta’s “not just a track bike with brakes” is apparently an “imitator” according to Bianchi:

Imitators use modified road frames with road offset, so look and ride before you buy.

Yikes. So is this how the Apocalypse will come? Will bike companies simply bewilder us with choices, options and counter-claims until the whole thing collapses under its own weight? Will a trend that began under the guise of simplicity become impossibly complex? How many different types of fixed-gears will tomorrow’s customer need to consider before making a conclusion? Road fixed-gears. Track fixed-gears. Fixed-gear freestyle fixed-gears. High-end, low-end, mid-range. Will it chase it’s own tail into oblivion?

I don’t know. All I do know is that I just missed out on buying the World’s Most Pimpin’ Giant Bowery:

UP FOR AUCTION IS MY GIANT (BOWERY) FIXED GEAR BICYCLE. JUST HAD IT CUSTOM BUILT THREE WEEKS AGO . I,VE RIDEN IT ABOUT 20 MILES. IN SHORT IM SELLING MY BIKE TO PUT THE MONEY TOWARDS BUYING A CAR. IF YOU LIKE FIXED GEARS I GARRRENTEEE YOUR SATICE- FACTION . ITS A NICE SOLID RIDE, AND I HATE TO SEE IT GO BUT I,VE HAD AN OPPERTUNITY TO MOVE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS. THE BIKE COMES COMPLETE WITH EVERYTHING DESRIBED BELOW:

FRAME: '08' GIANT BOWERY (ALUMINUM) 350.00
HUBS: PHILWOODS (FRONT AND REAR) 500.00
WHEELS: VELOCITY DEEP-V'S (FRONT -GUN MEATAL GRAY, RADIAL LACED/ REAR-ROYAL BLUE 4-CROSS) 150.00
CRANK SET: FSA 100.00
CHAIN: 20.00
HEAD SET: STOCK WITH FRAME
CHAIN RING: ROCKET 48 TEETH 35.00
COG: FIXED GEAR 16 TEETH
1RST SET PEDDLES: EGG BEATERS 145.00
2ND SET PEDDLES: TOSI DOUBLE STRAPS WITH DIMENSION PEEDLES: 80.00
STEM: ORIGIN8 45.00
HANDLE BARS : ELEVEN 81 40.00
SATTLE : STOCK BOWERY SEAT
CHAIN TENTIONERS: ROCKET 25.00
PIN STRIPPING: CUSTOM 70.00
KRYPTONITE LOCK : 100.00
TOTALING A LITTLE OVER 1,500 BUCKS.
I RESEARVE THE RIGHT TO END THIS AUCTION EARLY DO TO ITEM BEING SOLD LOCALLY. SHIPPING WILL BE UNDER 100.00 BEPENDING WHERE IT WILL BE SHIPPED.
ANY QWESTIONS CALL : RAY AT [deleted] / RON AT [deleted]

I will be kicking myself all weekend.