Worst of NYC Craiglist Bike Ads SPECIAL EDITION: Golden Opportunities!

There's a lot of crap on Craigslist, but there's also a lot of opportunity. Whether you're looking for a tattoo, a hefty reward, or a place to sell your outmoded and failure-prone cycling equipment, you can find it now if you act fast. Here are the three chances to win big:

............................trade a track bike for a tattoo(s) (williamsburg/ l.e.s) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/691410846.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-05-22, 8:11PM EDT

i need a bike for the summer, and im looking to trade a good size tattoo for it.
i just moved to NYC and im looking for a track bike to ride to work and around the city.
fixed or single speed ok.................

id love to see photos if your interested.............

examples of work.......

Here comes Super Mario bouncing into town, and he's looking for a Luigi to swap trends with. I'm not sure why he can't simply charge for his tattooing services and then use the money to purchase a bicycle--I don't see dentists trading bridgework for their Serottas. (And I wouldn't want to go to a dentist who did.) All I know is that his ellipses use is probably turning cycling blog commenting enthusiast Bikesgonewild faded tattoo green with envy. (Or maybe red with anger, since I'm sure BGW has strong feelings about proper ellipses use.) By the way, my personal favorite example of his work is the one on the lower left which looks like a decomposed Cletus from the Simpsons wearing a snake for a hat. Nice neck placement, too. That's what you call a "trailer park hicky." I was actually tempted to take him up on his offer myself. I was either going to go for the flapper girl who's been crying (or whose eyes are irritated from the high pollen count), or for a hybrid in which the tiger is wearing the snake hat and reenacting the "Alas, poor Urick" scene from Hamlet with the Cletus skull, but then I realized I probably couldn't fit that on my neck.

STOLEN BIKE $$$REWARD$$$ (Inwood / Wash Hts) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/690905158.html]

Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-05-22, 1:44PM EDT

SOMEONE LAST NIGHT STOLE MY BIKE IN A BLINK OF AN EYE. IT IS A 19 INCH ORANGE KONA UNIT 29ER INCH WHEEL MOUNTAIN BIKE. THE BICYCLE WAS STOLEN NEAR THE 1 LINE TRAIN STATION BY HIGHBRIDGE PARK. IT HAS GREAT SENTIMENTAL VALUE TO ME AND I AM WILLING TO GIVE THE FOUNDER A $500 REWARD AND DINNER FOR TWO AT DINO BBQ IN HARLEM. MY NUMBER IS 646-578-0522.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL AND THANK YOU...

I hate to see someone's bike get stolen, and I've left the number intact so that if you do see or hear something you can give this person a call. My contempt here is reserved entirely for the thief. I don't think he's going to get very far, though--not in that get-up. I mean, come on, his whole look screams "burglar!" He's certainly tempting the wrath of the Lord, too, since his booty appears to include a menorah. Actually, judging from the mask, there's a strong possibility the thief is internet personality and frothing lunatic Opinionated Cyclist. I may turn him in for the reward money and the dinner. That's an incredibly generous prize package, by the way. You usually don't score that big without being a contestant on "The Price is Right."

Spinergy rev x front wheel - $180 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/691568569.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-05-22, 10:40PM EDT

Tubular Spinergy carbon fiber front wheel. Four spoke 650c (barspin action)

Track bike fixed gear

Sweet! Barspin action is the best kind of action. There was a time not too long ago when the words "Rev-X," "650c," and "tubular" used together in a bike ad were about as likely to close the deal as the words "sore," "weeping," and "open" in a dating ad. But times have changed. I'd imagine that many older triathletes are now sitting on goldmines (as well as on mankinis and seats with bulbous W.C. Fields-like noses). Cash in now before all the fixed-gear freestylers buy 700c bar-spinnable frames. (Et tu, Waterford?)