(The Ballstice 9000 Race Promotion Machine: half the personality, twice the gesticulating.)As you may or may not know, former professional cyclist, race promoter, and soporific commentator John Eustice is joining forces with Michael "I'll Build My Own Wheels!" Ball to turn the annual Harlem Skyscraper race in New York City into an intoxicating festival of speed. I for one am glad to see these two personalities come together. If John Eustice were a beverage, he'd taste like water with a vague hint of something else, and he'd be packaged in a plain white can and sold as "Beverage." And if Michael Ball were a beverage, he'd be a sickly-sweet energy drink called "Ballin'!" and sold in a Capri Sun-like container strongly resembling a douchebag.
So perhaps by mixing them together we'll wind up with something potable. Not only that, but the race will be televised. (Though it won't be on actual television as far as I can tell.) But best of all, there's always the chance that Ball will draw from his rich well of "At The End of the Day" quotes. I love a good ATEOTD quote, and Ball is the Celine Dion of ATEOTD quotes. In fact, it only takes three Ball interviews to yield nine Ball ATEOTDs. (That's an average of three ATEOTDs per interview.):
From VeloNews:
...at the end of the day, what’s right is right, and Americans, the U.S. fans, know what’s right.
...at the end of the day, if you don’t have your athletes, if you don’t have your riders, you have nothing.
Look, at the end of the day, when you have organizations that are willing — or the government, if you will — getting involved in these individuals’ lives, that’s when I draw the line of whether they did or didn’t …
Anything I do in life, I touch. If I don’t touch it, at the end of the day, whose responsibility is it if it goes wrong?
...at the end of the day, if you don’t have your athletes, if you don’t have your riders, you have nothing.
Look, at the end of the day, when you have organizations that are willing — or the government, if you will — getting involved in these individuals’ lives, that’s when I draw the line of whether they did or didn’t …
Anything I do in life, I touch. If I don’t touch it, at the end of the day, whose responsibility is it if it goes wrong?
From VeloNews again:
At the end of the day, we are all human beings, and we all deserve a second chance.
But at end of day he’s a good guy, and I have nothing negative to say about Frankie [Andreu].
From VelocityNation, on the eve of the Harlem race:
...it was just they weren't used to someone coming in there and marketing and branding. That's what really freaked them out at the end of the day.
Look, at the end of the day, this sport is in a transition and I don't think they can afford to continue to vilify and create this environment in pro cycling because, look, I'm the only guy coming in with money.
But at the end of the day, if these athletes do not come together, this sport will continue on with them having no voice and at any given moment, these guys will be outed and their career will be done, or at best, put on hold.
Look, at the end of the day, this sport is in a transition and I don't think they can afford to continue to vilify and create this environment in pro cycling because, look, I'm the only guy coming in with money.
But at the end of the day, if these athletes do not come together, this sport will continue on with them having no voice and at any given moment, these guys will be outed and their career will be done, or at best, put on hold.
Rock Racing in Harlem brings some other enticing possibilities as well. For example, Ball has stated in the past he would send his riders into the inner cities to dissuade kids from joining gangs or something:
Scoff if you will, but I think some Marvel Comics rejects in lime-green lycra accosting children and telling them not to turn to a life of crime would be very effective. Maybe he'll even unleash his Green Swarm on uptown Manhattan.
Ball also has an altruistic side, and he likes to announce his charitable endeavors to the media in a dismissive, cursory, and irritable fashion:
Watch out, Livestrong! Ball's got cancer in his crosshairs. It's too bad the girls with the t-shirts weren't there, because a charity without a logo straining to contain a pair of silicone-enhanced breasts is no charity at all. I'm hoping he'll unveil another cause in Harlem. I know acid reflux could definitely use sexier spokesmanship. Come, on Ball, let's Rock Acid Reflux! I'm hoping that at the end of the day we can make that happen.
