If you haven’t heard by now, some USA Olympic track cyclists have caused a bit of a stir by arriving in Beijing wearing masks. They’re not the only cyclists who are taking measures against the poor air quality in the host nation, however. In my imagination, I interviewed some other cyclists to find out how they were coping with the smog:
Levi Leipheimer
“I’m breathing comfortably through the collar of my ‘Let Levi Ride’ t-shirt. I’m also pawing desperately at the ‘Let Levi Finish’ charm in my pocket. I don’t want to DNF like I did in ’04.”
George Hincapie
“Fortunately, the Hincapie Sportswear Performer chamois also has excellent air filtration qualities,” said Hincapie, who spoke through the crotch of a pair of bibshorts tied to his head like a feedbag. “I mean, the air is filthy here! I’m choking worse than I did at Roubaix!”
Christian Vande Velde
“I’d hate to offend the host nation,” said Vande Velde. “So I’m just going to surreptitiously breathe through this delicious Chipotle burrito the whole time I’m here. As far as anybody can tell, I’m just eating. This way, my lungs stay pink, the Chinese save face, and my sponsor stays happy.”
Jason McCartney
“Unlike the track squad, I did my homework and studied how Beijing residents cope with the poor air quality. Apparently, most of them breathe through small white paper cylinders filled with burning tobacco. So that’s what I’m doing, and it’s working great. I may actually keep this up when I return to the States!”
Cadel Evans
Cadel Evans refused to be interviewed, but rumor has it he’s been breathing through the stuffed kangaroo he received in the final Tour de France podium ceremony on the Champs Elysees. According to a source, this isn’t the first time the kangaroo has come in handy. He apparently cuddled with it that night in Paris as he cried himself to sleep, and he also used it in a French court during his civil suit against that groping journalist in order to illustrate the “bad touch” that very well may have cost him the Maillot Jaune. The source also added out of nowhere that Cadel’s excuse was bothering him but shouldn’t be a factor in the race. Oh, sorry, that should have read “knee” and not “excuse.”
Tom Boonen
Tom Boonen will not race in the Olympics this year, but just as a precaution he’s been breathing entirely through his nose.
USA Olympic BMX Team
“We’ve put special antimicrobial screens in all our bongs,” explained a coach. “This should help Team USA put the ‘Metal!’ back in ‘medal.’”
USA Olympic Triathlon Team
“We’re not worried about the air so much as the water for the swim leg,” said one competitor. “The Chinese apparently moved some factories in order to improve air quality for the Games, and according to Google Maps, until about two weeks ago the place where we’ll be swimming was a mercury plant. We’ll be wearing full radiation suits as a precaution.”
Vladimir Karpets
“I’ll be breathing through the facemask of a Fortynine Sixteen Outlaw Hoodie, as well as through the neck curtain of my own mullet.”
Of course, while the athletes are taking the heat for offending the host nation, the athletes themselves claim they are simply following the advice of the United States Olympic Committee. It also seems that USA Cycling may be partially to blame. In one of my many journalistic coups, I’ve obtained this fictional memo which USA Cycling sent to Olympic competitors:
Tips for Winning in Beijing
(Brought to you by USA Cycling and the editorial staff of “Bicycling” magazine.)
Every athlete dreams of Olympic gold. But when that gold is enshrouded in smog, you’ve got to take extra precautions. Here are five tips you can use to help you keep that edge:
1) A face mask alone may be insufficient to protect you from pollution. There are many items aboard your flight you can use as well. Pillows, sanitary napkins, and oxygen masks are just a few of the things you should consider stealing and breathing through during your stay.
2) Soot accumulates in small crevices and can compromise aerodynamics. Using a cotton swab, be sure to clean out bolt fittings, aero rim dimples, and chin clefts before the main event.
3) The oversized headtube of the Specialized Tarmac SL2 will keep you on course with precision, and its proprietary integrated bottom bracket will help you apply power to the pavement, where you need it most. Buy it if: you dream of gold. Forget it if: the only “medaling” you do is in other people’s affairs.
4) Something from Chris Charmichael.
5) The poor air quality in Beijing can greatly compromise your performance. So you know those performance-enhancing drugs you’re not using? You may want to not use a whole lot more of them.
Levi Leipheimer
“I’m breathing comfortably through the collar of my ‘Let Levi Ride’ t-shirt. I’m also pawing desperately at the ‘Let Levi Finish’ charm in my pocket. I don’t want to DNF like I did in ’04.”
George Hincapie
“Fortunately, the Hincapie Sportswear Performer chamois also has excellent air filtration qualities,” said Hincapie, who spoke through the crotch of a pair of bibshorts tied to his head like a feedbag. “I mean, the air is filthy here! I’m choking worse than I did at Roubaix!”
Christian Vande Velde
“I’d hate to offend the host nation,” said Vande Velde. “So I’m just going to surreptitiously breathe through this delicious Chipotle burrito the whole time I’m here. As far as anybody can tell, I’m just eating. This way, my lungs stay pink, the Chinese save face, and my sponsor stays happy.”
Jason McCartney
“Unlike the track squad, I did my homework and studied how Beijing residents cope with the poor air quality. Apparently, most of them breathe through small white paper cylinders filled with burning tobacco. So that’s what I’m doing, and it’s working great. I may actually keep this up when I return to the States!”
Cadel Evans
Cadel Evans refused to be interviewed, but rumor has it he’s been breathing through the stuffed kangaroo he received in the final Tour de France podium ceremony on the Champs Elysees. According to a source, this isn’t the first time the kangaroo has come in handy. He apparently cuddled with it that night in Paris as he cried himself to sleep, and he also used it in a French court during his civil suit against that groping journalist in order to illustrate the “bad touch” that very well may have cost him the Maillot Jaune. The source also added out of nowhere that Cadel’s excuse was bothering him but shouldn’t be a factor in the race. Oh, sorry, that should have read “knee” and not “excuse.”
Tom Boonen
Tom Boonen will not race in the Olympics this year, but just as a precaution he’s been breathing entirely through his nose.
USA Olympic BMX Team
“We’ve put special antimicrobial screens in all our bongs,” explained a coach. “This should help Team USA put the ‘Metal!’ back in ‘medal.’”
USA Olympic Triathlon Team
“We’re not worried about the air so much as the water for the swim leg,” said one competitor. “The Chinese apparently moved some factories in order to improve air quality for the Games, and according to Google Maps, until about two weeks ago the place where we’ll be swimming was a mercury plant. We’ll be wearing full radiation suits as a precaution.”
Vladimir Karpets
“I’ll be breathing through the facemask of a Fortynine Sixteen Outlaw Hoodie, as well as through the neck curtain of my own mullet.”
Of course, while the athletes are taking the heat for offending the host nation, the athletes themselves claim they are simply following the advice of the United States Olympic Committee. It also seems that USA Cycling may be partially to blame. In one of my many journalistic coups, I’ve obtained this fictional memo which USA Cycling sent to Olympic competitors:
Tips for Winning in Beijing
(Brought to you by USA Cycling and the editorial staff of “Bicycling” magazine.)
Every athlete dreams of Olympic gold. But when that gold is enshrouded in smog, you’ve got to take extra precautions. Here are five tips you can use to help you keep that edge:
1) A face mask alone may be insufficient to protect you from pollution. There are many items aboard your flight you can use as well. Pillows, sanitary napkins, and oxygen masks are just a few of the things you should consider stealing and breathing through during your stay.
2) Soot accumulates in small crevices and can compromise aerodynamics. Using a cotton swab, be sure to clean out bolt fittings, aero rim dimples, and chin clefts before the main event.
3) The oversized headtube of the Specialized Tarmac SL2 will keep you on course with precision, and its proprietary integrated bottom bracket will help you apply power to the pavement, where you need it most. Buy it if: you dream of gold. Forget it if: the only “medaling” you do is in other people’s affairs.
4) Something from Chris Charmichael.
5) The poor air quality in Beijing can greatly compromise your performance. So you know those performance-enhancing drugs you’re not using? You may want to not use a whole lot more of them.
