Down With Gears, or Down With Gears: Figuring Out What to Ride

Like the portentous groundhog on February 2nd, I have emerged from my hidey-hole after a prolonged period of introspection.  However, unlike the groundhog, I did not contemplate the weather.  Instead, I looked deep within myself in order to decide which road bike component group to buy for next year.  Each morning I'd awake upon a pile of straw, perform my daily ablutions, eat my one and only meal for the day (a thin gruel served to me in a wooden bowl by a child from the village) and set about comparing the prices and component weights of the various offerings from Shimano, Campagnolo, and SRAM until the sun set behind the mountains.  Finally, on the seventh day, after much soul-searching, the answer came to me like one of those old MTV News updates with Kurt Loder.  The force of the revelation was such that I spilled gruel all over my meditation smock, and I burst forth from my hidey-hole with plastic in hand, ready to purchase the parts that the cosmic Kurt Loder had intoned to me in his smug monotone.  However, upon reaching the spartan bamboo hut which housed the village's only internet cafe, I made the mistake of checking in with Fixedgeargallery first, where I found an image that completely shattered my resolve:

Could it be that the cosmic Loder had misspoken?  He had quite clearly bidden I purchase a Microshift group from the Secret Website (though for reasons he assured me I was not yet enlightened enough to understand he also insisted I use a Modolo Morphos lever for the left only), yet here was this masterfully-executed bicycle beseeching me to "fu¢k gear$."  Confused and disillusioned, I slunk back into my hidey-hole and sulked until I remembered something Sheldon Brown had written in his bicycle glossary:

The "gear" of a bicycle relates to the mechanical advantage of the whole drive system. ... The gear of a bicycle depends on the ratio between the sizes of the front and rear sprockets, and the size of the drive wheel.

So despite the owner's disdain for gears, he does employ them, as you can see below:

Of course, it was possible that the owner simply meant to decry multiple gear ratios on a single bicycle and that he didn't have room for that on his handlebars.  However, upon closer inspection, I realized this bicycle did provide for different gear ratios as well, since it had a cog mounted on the front wheel:

So this bike does have plural "gears," regardless of how untenable some of them might be.  It also has a scorching case of hipster cysts:

Should you encounter this bicycle, I strongly recommend you wear gloves while handling it lest these cysts spread to your own bicycle as well.  (Or, worse yet, to your oral or crotchal region.)

Speaking of which, the giant crotchal region that is New York City is teeming with cyclists of all kinds.  As such, the New York Times has seen fit to wipe its monocle off on its shirt-tail and turn its aging journalistic eye on the city's bicyclists by putting together a whimsical little "field guide:"  

You may remember that not too long ago I posted a mass-email request from a Times reporter who was putting together a piece about "who rides what in the city, and why."  Well, it wouldn't surprise me if this were the very piece that reporter was putting together.  (Especially because it is.)  Here are some highlights:

Andrew Valentine, above, says his look is "kind of very English."  Well, I'm sort of completely nauseous.  He also says that he's an "anachronism," though I'm not sure he's using the word correctly because it doesn't mean "pretentious fop."  Also, his look doesn't evoke Evelyn Waugh (whoever she is) from where I'm sitting (which, since it's Monday, is in a leather massage chair in my underpants).  It does, however, evoke someone else who's not English and who is not so much anachronistic as he is timeless:

You've got to admit, that's uncanny.  I mean, it's completely without can.  (And yes, I know Evelyn Waugh was a man, just like George Eliot and Virginia Woolf.)

Sure, this may be a fluff piece, but the reporter has unwittingly gotten quite a scoop with this profile.  I've long suspected that New York City's seemingly endless supply of overpriced "vintage" bicycles comes from vast crappy bike reserves in the Midwest, and it's somehow vindicating to see this confirmed in print.  I only hope that this supply is being mined responsibly, since should the junky bike fields of the heartland run dry it would be a shame to have to go to war with Canada or something in order to keep the urban cultural elite rolling in squeaky, rusty, steel-rimmed, environmentally friendly style.



Sure, buying a $13,000 Pinarello to "ride in the park on Tuesday and Thursday" might seem excessive, but keep in mind that she also did a "charity ride" on it recently.  She doesn't say which charity ride, but if she used the Campagnolo Boras it was probably the 2008 Bike MS ride where it takes a combination of aerodynamics and light weight to finish with the leaders.  And while one can only hope she was as generous with her charity as she was with herself, I'm certain that she gave no charity or quarter to the thousands of other riders on inferior bicycles she left gasping in her slipstream.

Fortunately, though, it doesn't take $13,000 to experience the unbridled joy of riding a carbon fiber bicycle in New York City.  Thanks to the alchemists on Craigslist, you can simply turn your current steel, aluminum, titanium, or bamboo bicycle into carbon for under $1,000:

TRANSFORM YOUR BIKE INTO A CARBON FIBER ROCKETSHIP for $999! (Douglaston, Queens)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-07, 12:17PM EDT

New Carbon Bikes are Fast and Comfortable, BUT very expensive ($2,000-$5000)!

Consider the ultimate solution, so you can:

- RIDE FASTER WITH less effort!
- RIDE FURTHER in more comfort!
- AND CLIMB hills better!

...over a steel, composite or aluminum frame bike!

OUR CARBON FRAMES ARE ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL! CARBONADO MEANING "BLACK DIAMOND", name chosen to represent the look and weave our very special carbon fibre parts.

For $999, WE WILL TAKE THE GOOD PARTS FROM YOUR EXISTING ROAD BIKE (seat, handlebars, wheels and groupset) AND TRANSFER THEM TO OUR HIGH QUALITY MONOCOQUE CARBONADO CARBON ROAD FRAME. This $999 SPECIAL includes a new carbon frame, new matching carbon seatpost and new carbon fork with all the associated "retrofit" labor included.

And..this service includes TUNE-UPS FOR LIFE at our bike shop on your new carbon bike to assure your satisfaction.

We also have a your choice of matching quality carbon stems and handlebars to make your fit just perfect!

Here is also an ideal opportunity to tweak your fit just right if you feel your existing frame is too large or small.
Please use the horizontal tub tube size comparison as your intital fit guide, go to:

HTTP://www.carbonadobike.com/geometry.html

THE ATTACHED PHOTO IS A RETROFIT TRANSFORMATION OF A GIANT OCR3 ALUMINUM BIKE TO A NEW CARBON FIBRE ROAD BIKE.

Thanks for considering,
THE CARNONADO BIKE CORPORATION!

E-mail or Contact 516-[deleted] to discuss your "retrofit" and make an appointment.

Interesting.  I didn't realize that simply moving your parts from one frame to another was considered "retrofitting."  But I do have to admit that telling your friends you're about to do a full carbon retrofit sounds way better than just saying you're doing a parts swap.  It was unclear to me from the ad whether they also offer "crabon" as an option, but judging from the sign-off at the end you can get "carnon."  (I believe the tubing heirarchy is carbon at the top, then crabon, then carnon.)  I'm pretty sure at this point that instead of saying "fu¢k gear$" I'm going to have these guys retrofit my Microshift/Morphos group onto a Carnonado frame.  That should please the cosmic Kurt Loder.