Ridin' Dirty: The Sordid Side of Cycling

(The Cosmic Kurt Loder, by Erik K)

As I wrote yesterday, choosing a road bike component group is no simple process, and making a commitment of that magnitude calls for introspection and soul-searching. After all, you're pretty much married to this stuff until the manufacturer releases a newer version, which means you could be riding it for as long as four years. Only slightly less daunting is fork selection, mainly because you've got to consider things like rake and trail. I'm not going to explain rake and trail here because they're very complicated, but the short version is that "rake" refers to the fork's resistance to chatter (if you've ever raked leaves on an irregular surface you know that rakes can be very chattery) and "trail" refers to how the fork handles on a trail (which is why you want no trail on a road bike and lots of trail on a mountain bike). Fortunately, though, manufacturers also provide their forks with catchy names, so if you don't understand rake and trail as well as I do you can just pick the one that sounds the best. And the one that sounds the best to me is the 3T Funda.


I like the "Funda" name not only because it starts with "fun," but also because it sounds like someone from the movie "Sexy Beast" saying "thunder." Consequently, the name is simultaneously inviting and foreboding, and I find that combination beguiling. Furthermore, I utilized a popular search engine to see if the word "funda" actually means anything, and it does. It even has an alternate slang meaning: "awesome." This came as a bit of a surprise to me as I've never heard anybody refer to something as being "totally funda," but I have no reason to doubt this is correct because the internet's fact-checking department certainly wouldn't have let it slip through if it wasn't.

So taken was I with the "Funda" that I resolved to install (or "retrofit) one on my new Carbonara with the Secret Website/Modolo group. However, I was dismayed to find it was well out of my price range.  Luckily, word from Interbike is that 3T will be introducing a less expensive version of the Funda for 2009:

(Frumunda spy shots by BKJimmy)

The Frumunda will come in both a standard and a "Pro" version, and like it's big brother the Funda it will be asymmetrical because "the front end is also susceptible to aerodynamic turbulence so it’s critical to optimize the airflow here." Indeed, airflow (or lack thereof) is what determines the shape, mass, and consistency of the Frumunda. Consequently, 3T engineers reportedly spent thousands of hours in a wind tunnel with the Frumunda, though they always took great pains to remain on the windward side of it. Technical details still haven't been released, so if you're wondering about things like Frumunda rake and Frumunda trail you're going to have to wait and see. Also, I didn't bother to popular search engine "frumunda" to see if it means anything, but I'm assuming it's just another made-up marketing term and that some focus group spent a long time brainstorming in a hot room at 3T headquarters until Frumunda just sort of materialized.

They also wisely made sure the name had eight letters to make it knuckle tattoo-compatible:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Of course, being a cycling blogger isn't only about staying abreast of the latest products. It's also about keeping an eye out for those moments when cycling pops up in the culture at large. And, thanks to an alert (and possibly aroused) reader, I recently learned that road cycling has once again made a cameo in the sordid world of pornography:

It is not my place to judge pornography or those who consume it, nor do I share this material with you to either promote or decry it. I am simply examining with the detachment of a scholar the unexpected places cycling has been turning up these days, and how it's portrayed when it does. But should you be inclined for whatever reason to view more than I've presented here, you're certainly welcome to do so. To test your resolve, I'm presenting you with two links, one of which will take you to the world of the "M*I*L*F Hunter," and one of which will take you somewhere unspeakably disgusting yet completely non-sexual, and I'm not telling you which is which:

Possible Porn Link 1

Possible Porn Link 2

So choose at your peril. If you really want to see, you'll take the risk.

In any case, just as there's often something a bit off about the people in pornography, there's something a bit off about the bikes as well. Let's take a look at the M*I*L*F Hunter's setup:

I was heartened by his nod to tradition with the classic bend handlebars, though I was somewhat vexed by his top-mounted thumbshifters. Certainly I can't fault him for choosing simplicity and durability, but he could have gotten that from a set of bar-end shifters instead, with the added benefit of being able to shift easily while in the drops. (I'm sure he's often forced to ride in the drops when pursuing MILFs, who can be pretty fast, especially when they're trying to evade leering goateed men.) Also, by moving the shifters from the tops to the drops he'd free up precious handlebar real estate and might even be able to install a second beer cozy. Frankly, despite what his jersey may say I suspect he doesn't even ride for Health Net. And I'm not even going to approach the fact that he's wearing a helmet with a visor on the road, or that his glasses are under his helmet straps. Suffice to say that I'm disappointed, and that I'd expect more attention to detail from someone who hunts MILFs so diligently.

And cycling isn't just turning up in pornography, either. You can also find it on more socially acceptable sex-related websites like Nerve.com. Great NYC Commuter Race champion Jamie Favaro (who, for all her "accomplishments," has yet to defeat a Smart car like I have) recently forwarded me this:


Ah yes, you can tell a trend has truly come of age when its adherents are being polled for dating advice.  Here's what one of them has to say:

Yes, asking fixed-gear riders how long they've been riding should be good for minutes of conversation, as some of these people have been cycling for as many as six months.  I do think it's a bit unfair to judge people's sexual proclivities from their style of bicycle, though.  I suppose by that logic triathletes do it in three positions equally poorly, randonneurs do it really slowly for a really long time, and recumbent riders do it on their backs with their feet flailing around in the air.  This is totally inaccurate.  I often leap onto my back and kick at the sky at the slightest mention of sex (which is why it takes me so long to get through an NC-17 movie), though I have never, ever ridden a recumbent.

At this point, having examined so many sordid subjects with the potential to offend, I can't blame you if you need a palate cleanser.  As such, I offer this bewildering picture of noted triathlete Matthew McConaughey getting caught doing something with a hose:

Which was strangely reminiscent of either Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" or the scene in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" when Randy Quaid emptied the chemical toilet into the storm drain:

And if you're still disgusted, simply stare into the eyes of the Nonplussed Journalist.  He has the power to make you forget everything, including your own name:

 

(BKJimmy)

Totally funda.