Wednesday Is A Day Just Like Any Other, Except I'm Wearing a Chicken Suit

Oh, hi, I didn't hear you come in.  I can assure you there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this pink silk robe, and for why I'm eating Froot Loops out of the toilet.  Please, have a seat.  Make yourself comfortable.  Take off your flip-flops and your keffiyeh.  I've got some "Ellen" reruns on the DVR.  Would you like to watch?  And would you care for some Froot Loops?  I haven't flushed yet.

Also, if you don't have any plans this weekend, why not come to sunny Philadelphia for the 2012 Philadelphia Bike Expo, sponsored by Rabobank:

(Breaking news, Rabobank just pulled out like a Catholic during ovulation.)

In particular, on Saturday the 27th at 11:00am, why not hear me talk for like 45 minutes?

I promise I'll have you out in plenty of time to catch "Yoga for Cyclists."  However, I don't promise not to use the 45 minutes to read from a Shimano Hollowtech II instruction manual in all six languages.  Look, I'm not going to insult you by saying my talk will be the greatest thing you'll ever hear, but I also won't accept any excuses that you have something better to do, since obviously if you're in Philadelphia that's an out-and-out-lie.  At best it should be just like a cyclocross race for me, in that I'll be doing a bunch of driving just to get jeered at and humiliated for three-quarters of an hour.

Hope to see you there, though I suspect the feeling isn't mutual on your end.

Speaking of liars, some people in France have just announced the official route for The 100th Annual Running of the Cheats:

Despite the recent shitstorm, optimism is running high in the cycling press that we have entered into a new age of honesty and cleanliness in cyclesport, and journalists are already calling this the "Tour of Renewal."  Oh wait, no they're not--that was the 1999 Tour de France after the Festina scandal.  By the way, if you're wondering who won the 1999 Tour de France, the latest answer is "nobody:"

The 1999 Tour de France was the 86th Tour de France, taking place from July 3 to July 25, 1999. Having been stripped of the win owing to his use of banned substances, Lance Armstrong's 1999 win, his first of 7 consecutive wins and the most in Tour history, no longer applies; therefore there was no official winner of the 1999 Tour De France.

Well that makes sense.  After all, it's only been 13 years.  No reason they can't pick a winner out of this scrupulous cast of characters:

(I always wanted to trust Zülle because of his glasses.)

It seems fairly obvious to me what needs to happen now, which is that they need to go back and award the overall win for every Tour ever to that year's lanterne rouge.  Sure, even he was probably doping, but it's not like you can accuse him of having an unfair advantage over anybody.  At this point, failure is the only thing we can trust.  

Frankly though, I'm not sure it's worth it.  Maybe they need to stick a spork in the Tour de France already, call it overcooked, and just feed it to the dog.  Do we even need it anymore?  I mean, what's the likelihood that this rolling debacle is going to attract any new fans?  Even before Shitstorm 2012 it was incredibly annoying to turn your friends and family on to it.  First, you have to explain to them why cycling is a team sport, even though they don't pass a ball back and forth.  Then, you have to explain why the guy who won the stage isn't winning the entire race.  Then, you have to explain the various points classifications.  And if all that wasn't bad enough, now you also have to explain that we don't really know who actually won any Tour de France since like 1990.  The payoff is supposed to be finding out who gets the yellow jersey, but ultimately nobody even gets a yellow jersey, and all the cycling fan gets is a pair of blue balls.  Basically, you'd have to be an idiot to want follow a sporting event like that--which is saying a lot given the general level of idiocy among sports fans.

Then again, fans are only as smart as the riders:

“Even now I believe in his innocence. He has always respected all the regulations … He has won all the cases he’s had,” said Indurain, who won the Tour de France five times consecutively, from 1991 to 1995.

Indurain then went on to accuse Joe Pesci of sleeping with his wife:

Meanwhile, remember the carousel Kickstarter I mentioned yesterday?  Yes?  No?  Maybe?  Eff me?  Well that wasn't very nice.  Anyway, the "curator" of that Kickstarter has apparently added a new pledge level in my honor:

I'm honored, though at the same time I'm disappointed.  Who cares about a painting of the tape?  What she really needs to paint is a triptych depicting how the tape wound up where it did.

Also entering into a new era of honesty is Budnitz Bicycles.  Previously The Budnitz used to make outrageous claims about how you need to spend well over $5,000 to get a decent city bike, but in this video that was forwarded to me by a reader it appears he's finally ready to tell the truth about his product:

Budnitz: Le Grand Tour from Budnitz Bicycles on Vimeo.

First, we meet a typical Budnitz owner, as played by forgotten electronic musician and noted vegan Moby:

Who really nails the character by wearing short pants and no socks:

Every man in Gentrified Brooklyn currently sports the highwater pants/no socks look.  I'm not sure where it came from, but I suspect there are two main sources, which are: 1) a deep-rooted desire to look like Audrey Hepburn; and 2) the fact that the trendy neighborhoods of Brooklyn are mostly located in flood zones.  Also, the look seems to have spread all over the country, and it's entertaining to consider that people everywere are walking around like this mostly because Gowanus has become fashionable.

Anyway, like a typical Budnitz owner, Moby neglects to lock up his bike when he steps into the café for his douchespresso, at which point a flat-brim doofus who's mad because Moby priced him out of the trendiest neighborhood and into the adjacent second-trendiest neighborhood takes his revenge by stealing the Budnitz:

He then rides around on sidewalk:

Where he does a bunch of half-assed tricks:

But then he notices that maddening, Edgar Allan Poe-ian creaking:

He tries another stupid whip-skid, thinking that will cure it:

And then he tries some more sidewalk riding:

He even tries to pinpoint where the creaking is coming from by isolating each wheel as he rides:

But still, creaks, creaks, creaks--in the clamor and the clangor of the Budnitz!

Even the frantic accordion music can't drown it out.

So finally he's like, "Fuck it," and he just gives the bike back to Moby:

Who is none the wiser:

Because he's none the wiser about anything.  He has no idea his bike is overpriced.  He has no idea it's just a 29er without the frame clearance.  He doesn't know a bike is not supposed to creak constantly.  He doesn't know he's paying a Budnitz a month to live in a one-bedroom apartment on top of an oil spill.  He's just a sockless interloper, doing his part to make the city unlivable by moving the decimal point on every price tag one place to the right.

Speaking of bike thieves, watch out for James (forwarded by another reader):

Don't buy a road bike or abound from James - $1 (central austin)
Date: 2012-10-23, 6:27PM CDT]

James stools me a 1967 Schwinn, and it was n jot only stolen but was not a67. Dint waste your time buy new or from someone trusted on Ebay,idk just don't but from him, he will tell you he's in law , and is not from Austin, all lies. Be aware craiglisters!!! 

Guy seems pretty sharp, I can't believe James managed to fool him.

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