Well, I know I've only just returned from a moving-induced absence, but tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and Friday is the day after Thanksgiving, and that means after today I won't be posting again until Monday, November 26th. If you're American, chances are you don't care that I won't be bloggering because you'll be off doing Thanksgiving stuff too. If you're not American, don't blame me for the fact that you live in the wrong country. Also, keep in mind that the day before Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day in the country, and I have to get to the airport in three hours to catch a plane from LaGuardia to JFK. Most importantly, you should be tolerant of my culture, because Thanksgiving is a very important holiday here. It commemorates the day that Christopher Columbus landed on the island of Hispaniola, where the Native American tribes fêted him with turkey and then ritualistically circumcised him, in return for which he gave them the gift of smallpox. That's why on this day we make gratuitous lists of things that we are thankful for, and here is mine:
Things For Which I Am Thankful For
by Wildcat Rock Machine
--The delicate balance of nitrogen, oxygen, and other crap that makes the planet Earth habitable
--Most cheeses
--The urethra, because without it what a mess making "number one" would be! Like the "mist" setting on a spray bottle!
--Vowels, because a world of only consonants would be a living trdczwmnmnmnthrhrhr. (And sometimes "y.")
However, if you're a nudist and you live in San Francisco, you're certainly not thankful for the fact that the city has officially banned public nudity:
The nudity situation in the Castro has become extreme,” Mr. Wiener told his colleagues.
Ohmygod he hates nudity and his name is Wiener. That's the most mellifluous sentence I've read in a very long time. If I ever reach a point where I no longer find something like that funny then just bury me alive.
Ironically, while San Francisco's public nudity enthusiasts may enjoy unobstructed views of each-other's human genitalia, they have no tolerance for the Wiener:
“Recall Wiener! Wiener is a Republican!” shouted Gerhart Clarke, 55, who stood up along with half a dozen others and stripped down to the buff.
“Shame on you!” another woman yelled, pulling off her shirt. “What are you afraid of?”
"Enough of your flip-flopping, Wiener!," I might have added while waving an athletic supporter had I been there.
Anyway, San Franciscans are now on notice that they have until February 1st to thoroughly gross out their fellow citizens:
The law will not go into effect until after Feb. 1, which will allow enough time for a federal judge to consider a lawsuit brought against the city by a group of nudists who claim that the ordinance infringes on their constitutional right to free speech.
The idealist in me wants to live in a world where we're all are comfortable with the human form, yet the pragmatist in me just wants to tell these people to put on some pants and shut up. Of course, the real problem is that in practice some human forms cause more discomfort than others, so perhaps the best solution would be to institute some sort of permit system by which you'd have to apply for a public nudity license. In that scenario, I'd deny roughly half of these applicants:
By the way, I enjoyed this picture of the San Francisco pro-nudity demonstration:
Not only is it good to see Tony Bennett letting it all hang out, but it's tremendously entertaining to see fully-clothed interlopers hoping for a glance at some nip:
Evidently he doesn't have the Internet at home.
Meanwhile, in Scotland, Graeme "The Flying Scotsman" Obree is preparing for his assault on the human-powered land speed record, which he will attempt on a homemade machine called the "Beastie:"
That looks remarkably like a Swatch I once had in middle school. Apparently the condom-like fairing has been impairing Obree's visibility somewhat, but he's still optimistic:
Due to issues with visibility, Obree decided to test the usability of the bike with the fairing at a more moderate speed. The tests proved very successful and he remains upbeat despite the weather.
Another reason for his optimism is that, while the bike offers limited visibility for the rider, it also makes it difficult to see inside. This means Obree will be able to operate it naked without running afoul of Weiner's draconian anti-nudity statutes. When you're going for the land speed record every fraction of a second counts, and it helps if Obree can keep "The Little Scotsman" unfettered.
Moving on from little Scotsmen to gigantic Canadians, the set of bike-hating siamese quintuplets who call themselves the Robs Fords have had an accident while miming the act of playing football, and Canadian-flavored commenter CommieCanuck has forwarded me this riveting video of the incident:
He totally crashed himself like a Cat 5 in a field sprint.
Or, if you prefer the salient moment repeated ad nauseum you can watch this, which was forwarded by another reader:
Fords can rest easy knowing that once his political career is over he's a sure thing for the lead in the Chris Farley biopic.
And in product news, a reader has informed me of the "Helmet Hoodie," which promises to provide you with "cranium candlepower:"
Unfortunately the "Helmet Hoodie" people are missing out on huge cycling markets like Amsterdam and Copenhagen where everybody rides bikes but nobody wears helments. The obvious solution is to rebrand it in those cities as the "Psychedelic Yarmulke" and just tell them to wear it without the helment. They could even do an underpants version, which should be a big seller in San Francisco come February.
Happy Thanksgiving, ride safe, and try to avoid those Black Friday human stampedes at Walmart. See you on November 26th.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
