All Hallow's Eve

Have a "Safe Insane" one.

Jason, Camp Crystal Lake, Happy Halloween!

Hope everyone had a great weekend celebrating Halloween!  I ran in to this character and just had to ask them a few questions:

What are you wearing?  A hockey mask that I took this guy Shelly after slashing his throat, a machete, jeans, and converse.  
Where are you going? I'm headed to Camp Crystal Lake
Why ride? Its faster than walking, and easier to sneak up onto unsuspecting teens mid-coitus 
Favorite ride?   I'm more concerned with the final destination.
While riding you …? Clean the blood off my machete 
How can Chicago improve bike infrastructure or make Chicago more bike friendly? I don't care about Chicago

BSNYC Field Trip: Philly Bike Expo

(Gmail: A disturbing and unwelcome window into the self.)

As you know because you either live in the Northeast, watch news about the Northeast, or know a person who lives in the Northeast who won't shut up about it, we here in the Northeast received something of a freak snowstorm this past Saturday. It just so happens that this past Saturday was also the day I was scheduled to visit the Philadelphia Bike Expo and bore the attendees right out of their "shants." Naturally then, as the forecast grew increasingly dire, I worried that travel to and from the City of Brotherly Love might be difficult.

Sure enough, it was cold and rainy on Saturday morning, and snow was clearly on the way. But was I daunted? I was not. "The people of Philadelphia must be bored!," I announced to Toucan Sam, who was staring at me skeptically from a box of Froot Loops. Finishing my morning repast, I packed my bag, applied embrocation and chamois cream liberally, slipped into my finest Rapha, gave my bike a final going-over...

...and drove to Philly.

Sure, traveling by means of a four-wheeled internal combustion recumbent is not "epic," nor is it "smug," but I was wearing Rapha pants, and I was also using a David Byrne Air Freshener™:

(The David Byrne Air Freshener™: Smells like Smugness.)

Just because he doesn't own a car doesn't mean he doesn't want yours to smell nice. Especially since he probably needs a ride.

Sure, I would have liked to have utilized some sort of bike/train "collabo" to get down there, but I also didn't want to spend the night in Philadelphia should rail travel go awry due to the weather. It's not that I don't enjoy visiting that fair city--in fact I admire it very much. It's just that I'm something of a homebody (or, if you prefer, a "woosie") and every night I spend in a bed other than my own I lose a little piece of my soul.

Of course, the other non-"epic" option is always "If it rains take the bus," but buses in and out of New York tend to flip like pancakes. Also, I have a fear of motorcoaches that dates back to my "teen tour," during which I was trapped on a bus for two whole months with a bunch of children who had had incredibly lavish Bar Mitzvahs. (You don't know the meaning of perdition until you've seen a teenager rapping while wearing a leather Louis Vuitton cap and gold chai medallion.)

And then there was all the free giveaway crap I had to portage schlep, and as I motored along the Turnpike being pummeled by what amounted to a sampling platter of every type of popular frozen precipitation, the trunk of my 1967 Corvette Stingray (converted to run on vegetable oil) full of blinky lights and designer "taint cream," I imagined that, should the state police have to extricate me from the vehicle with the Jaws of Life, in my last moribund act I would produce a "hipster cyst," switch it on, and utter the words, "May this weigh heavily on your souls."

Fortunately, none of this happened, and I made it to and from the Expo smoothly and without any sort of problem whatsoever. I attribute this to the David Byrne Air Freshener™, which doubtless served as a talisman.

Anyway, when I got to the expo, I savored the irony of the fact that, even though I had been invited down there to talk to everybody, I didn't actually have any friends to hang around with since nobody likes me, and so I bided (bidded? bade? bode?) my time by lurking in the rafters like the Phantom of the Opera:


From there I surveyed the proceedings, including the "epicness" that was the Rapha booth:

Speaking of Rapha, they were one of the three concerns generous enough to provide stuff for me to give away, the others being Knog and the Just Coffee Cooperative. I'd like to give them all my sincere thanks. I'd also like to thank Bilenky for inviting me. Most of all, I'd like to thank the people who actually showed up to listen to me for actually showing up and listening to me, and here's picture of them that I found on the Internet:

(They're only smiling because I haven't started yet.)

Thanks very much to all concerned.

Then, after my talk, I stopped by the Brooks booth:

Where I had a disconcerting conversation with one of the freaky hallucinations from the 1990 psychological thriller "Jacob's Ladder" starring Tim Robbins:

This sort of thing happens to me more than you'd think, since it turns out the councelors on my "teen tour" were putting some sort of experimental drug in our frozen yogurt.

By the way, if you want to style yourself as a dashingly cosmopolitan urban cyclist, you can do no better than getting some Rapha jeans, a Brooks jacket, and then riding around on a "smugness flotilla" that's powered by a leafblower:

It's the only look that shouts "class" loud enough to be heard over the flatulent din of a 50cc engine.

In any case, even though my visit to Philadelphia was brief I enjoyed it quite a bit. In fact, it was exactly like racing cyclocross, inasmuch as I drove a car 200 miles round-trip just to make a complete fool of myself for 45 minutes.

Speaking of Brooks, back in January they sent me a sample of their wares:

And I'm pleased to announce it's been sitting atop my Big Dummy since then, where it's been both serviceable and comfortable:

It's also become all tanned, smooth, and shiny, like Mario Cipollini after a two-week vacation in the islands of Greece. (Every morning, he pours three liters of olive oil on himself and then lies in a hammock for 14 hours.) Oddly, this didn't happen gradually. Instead, it seemed to happen all of a sudden after I rode home from the beach one day in soggy salt water pants. I can't explain the reason for this since I'm not a scientist, nor am I versed in the subtleties of having a dead animal's hide bolted to your seatpost, but it looks good and it feels good and so, like most consumers of animal by-products, I'll just switch off my brain, absolve myself from any responsibility, and enjoy it.

In other saddle-related news, I also saw this Fizik display at the expo:

And I'm not sure I've ever seen anything that begged so plaintively for a Richard Gere reference:

(Richard Gere says: "It's gerbil time!")

I'm happy to oblige.

As it happens, I find Fizik saddles comfortable and have for quite a number of years, which is why I have one on my Ritte von Finkelstein:

(I very much enjoy riding my Ritte von Finkelstein roadening bike.)

However, I've been increasingly uncomfortable with their evolving marketing technique, which now involves categorizing people (or, more specifically, their crotches) as "snakes," "chameleons," and "bulls." Evidently, which one you are depends on how your pelvis moves while you ride or something like that, and then you're supposed to choose a saddle accordingly:

This is both creepy and ridiculous, and categorizing people as "snakes," "chameleons," or "bulls" based on the way they wriggle and writhe while they straddle something sounds like the way Mario Cipollini probably categorizes his various sex partners. Can't they just call the saddles "soft," "medium," and "hard?" I guess that sounds sort of dirty, but it's positively chaste in comparison. Still, it's great that Fizik have managed to bring the irritating Starbucks sizing concept to bicycle saddles. Hopefully one day I'll be able to go into a bike shop to buy a cyclocross tire, and when they ask me what size I can say "sawtooth eel."

Lastly, for decades, people have argued about the point at which a pop-cultural trend is officially dead. Some say it's when it's used in advertising campaigns for mass-market products. Others insist it's when the trend is available for purchase in "big-box" stores such as Walmart. I suspect, though, that the true sign a trend is dead is when white people start rapping about it non-ironically, as in this video that was forwarded to me by a reader:



In it, this guy makes contorted hand gestures and says things that rhyme:


And my favorite part is when he says, "Fuck that fixie hipster shit we ride fixed gears" and then gives us the finger:

I realize that, as the father of 17 children who owns a luxury cargo bike and who drives to Philadelphia, I've officially reached the point in my life at which I'm hopelessly pampered and "out of it." Nevertheless, I can't possibly be alone in hearing a line like "Fuck that fixie hipster shit we ride fixed gears" and then wondering, "What could possibly be the difference?" It's like saying, "Fuck that hippie shit we listen to Phish." Evidently though, according to the video, the difference between "fixie hipster shit" and non-"fixie hipster shit" is doing this:

Though somehow now I'm even more confused.

Nathan, Logan Square Circle, Chicago, IL

Nathan rides a custom built 1984 Trek 720

You might recognize Nathan from one of your favorite watering holes or as your friendly mechanic at Boulevard Bikes.  His bike is for sale, so call Boulevard Bikes if you are interested!

Where are you going?  I'm on my way to work at Boulevard Bikes
Tell me about your bike, and where you got it?  This is my second bike, a burgundy custom built 1984 trek 720 that I purchased years ago at working bikes and built up at the bike shop I work at.  I'm actually trying to sell it.

What are you wearing?  I am wearing Red Wing iron rangers, Levi's 501 jeans, Woolrich vest, Pointer Hickory striped jacket and a Hillside chambray scarf.

Why ride?  Why drive? I like to keep my carbon imprint low.
Favorite ride?  My favorite rides ever were touring through Tuscany, or the ride up the inland sea coast of Japan. However, I think the everyday bike rides even to and from work can be enjoyable.  

While riding you …?  While riding I sometimes whistle or sing. I sometimes also play my iPhone in my front pocket. No headphones though! Too risky. 

How can Chicago improve bike infrastructure or make Chicago more bike friendly?  Chicago can make it safer to bike by more pronounced or protected bike lanes, stricter testing for drivers, letting new drivers know that bikes are supposed to be on the road. Bikers should be more cautious as well.

 

Blog of the Month RHS

I read and have many more blogs bookmarked than just those listed in my right column. They are the most visited and therefore it's in dire need of updating.

Any blog with a header like this can't be all bad.

Nicke's Rigid Hips Stockholm is definitely one of the more intriguing blogs I read and should have been added long ago. Nicke is quite the fabricator and builds some cool vintage machinery, so it's always interesting to see what he's up to... but it's the Sorcerer's mystical writings that really take his blog to the next level. This does not comes without a caveat. To fully understand what the Wizard of Two Wheels speaks of, you may need a degree or at minimum a primer in the following subjects: Philosophy, Religion, Mythology, The Occult, Astrology, and Alchemy.

Terry, N Milwaukee Ave & W North Ave, Chicago, IL

Terry rides a Centurion frame built-up to a custom single speed road bike

****  I randomly stopped Terry on the street and it turns out he produces the Chicago Bicycle Film Festival.  Its happening next weekend Friday November 4-6th.  There are lots of cool movies and events so check it out!

Where are you going? I am headed home(logan square) from the loop where I

am finishing my masters at DePaul.

What bike are you riding and where did they get it?  Its a Centurion

touring frame built-up to a  custom single speed road bike, basically.  My bike was built-up by the guys over at Nearly New on Broadway ... upkeep

and modifications by myself and the guys at Boulevard Bikes in Logan

Square.

Favorite ride? That is tough...as crazy as it my sound-- anywhere in the

loop or downtown.  I didn't grow up in a city so flying through tons of

traffic, and huge buildings is still pretty surreal for me-- LOVE IT!

While riding you …?  Sometimes listen to music, sometimes I film rides-

when I'm in no rush.

How can Chicago improve bike infrastructure or make Chicago more bike

friendly?

I think one MAJOR problem is the CTA's rule about no bikes during rush

hours. This is very dangerous since sometimes people get stuck in crazy

weather and are forced to ride in it due to the policy.  Over 90% of bike

accident happen in rain.

Other than that--I think a few HARSH examples need to be made of people

who "door" bikers.  There are so many people that don’t understand how

dangerous it is to not pay attention while parking and will not pay

attention until there is something being threatened.

So tell me more about the Bicycle Film Festival.

I am the producer of Bicycle Film Festival Chicago.  BFF is an

international film festival that is EVERYTHING BIKES!  November 4-6 th, 2011, and

here are a few events that will be taking place over that weekend:

A few AWESOME local Chicago orgs who help us w/ BFF {Active transportation

alliance, the chainlink, west town bikes, working bikes, and Bicycling

Magazine of course)

We encourage all our members to ride safely

Just sing this song (and do the dance) whenever you go out riding:



Via Everything is Terrible.

Joe in Iowa

After the last post, it only seems natural to bookend it with this shot of Joe Hurst on White Bear.

Joe (circa 1973), in Iowa on a cross country trip with Dick Allen. Note the added double sissy bar with auxiliary fuel tank. White Bear is still the ultimate South Bay Chopper in my book.

Perez, Wicker Park, Chicago, IL

Perez rides a Schwinn Corvette cruiser in cherry red.

I ran into Perez hanging out the the Chicago Cruisers.  A pretty cool group of guys with some really nice Vintage schwinns.  Check out the detailing below.

#OccupyBSNYCFridayFunQuiz!

Are you sick of the fact that some people have nice bikes and others have crappy ones? Does the iniquity of the fact that 1% of the cycling population controls the majority of the world's artisanally hand-crafted bicycles while the 99% must make do with mass-produced bikes from Taiwan fill you with rage? Do you like sandwiches? Well, if you answered "Yuh" to at least two out of three of these questions, then join me tomorrow for #OccupyPhillyBikeExpo!

That's right--from 2:00 to 2:45pm tomorrow I'll be #Occupying the Philly Bike Expo, smashing cycling industry greed (except for my own, which doesn't count), and redistributing wealth by showing a bunch of funny pictures and then giving away stuff from Knog, Rapha, and Just Coffee Cooperative, all of whom are giant multinational soul-sucking corporations who are ruining the planet. (Knog make their blinky lights from endangered lizards, Rapha's offshore drilling operations are spilling millions of gallons of chamois cream into the Gulf of Mexico, and Just Coffee Cooperative regularly works with the CIA to install puppet regimes in South America.)

Let it be known that I intend to #OccupyPhillyBikeExpo for as long as it takes for the 99% to prevail--or until 2:46pm, whichever comes first.

And in addition to bringing the finest in lights, embrocations, and coffee, (the gold, frankincense, and myrrh of the cycling world), I'll also be bringing an entire day's worth of crap-tastic weather!

You can thank me afterwards (if you can catch me before 2:46pm), and if it rains feel free to take the bus.

Speaking of #Occupying, you'll be not even remotely surprised to learn that the people #Occupying Portland have built...a bicycle generator:



How anything in this video is any different from pretty much any other given day in Portland is beyond me. In fact, building bicycle generators is Portland's answer to pretty much everything. The 99% is broke and unemployed? Build a bicycle generator! We've been fighting two different wars for the entire 21st century? Build a bicycle generator! Bicycle generator on the fritz? Build a bicycle generator! Building a bicycle generator is Portland's version of "Uh-oh, we'd better stock up on bottled water and duct tape."

In any event, if you're reading this on a bicycle generator-powered computer, you'd better keep pedaling because it's time for a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll #OccupyBeingAwesome, and if you're wrong you'll see...this.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and hopefully I'll see some of you in Philadelphia.

--Wildcat Rock Machine (#Occupied)

1) Most tech pundits believe the "next big thing" in cyclocross will be:

--Suspension forks

--Disc brakes

--650b wheelsets

--A track/cyclocross hybrid bike so that "hipsters" can not race track and 'cross at the same time

(Peta Todd giving good headdress.)

2) Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish's significant other, Peta Todd, is:

--Busty
--Pregnant
--A woman of profound cultural sensitivity
--All of the above





3) In a phenomenon that Pope Benedict XVI has now officially recognized as a miracle, a statue of Mario Cipollini has been dripping oil continuously since 1999.

--True
--False





4) Today marks the end of PETA's:

--Cat Week 2011
--Dog Days of Autumn campaign

--Be Nicer to Slugs Month

--October Pussy-Fest and Cat Spay-A-Thon 2011

5) You can now own Falkor the Luck Dragon in saddle form.

--True
--False

(Japanese flag slippers are not technically acceptable for cargo cycling, and turning to stare at your load is a major faux-pas.)

6) According to weird smugness style diktats, the preferred footwear for cargo cycling is the:

--Sandal

--Boat shoe

--Moccasin

--Scuba flipper

(One of these guys actually said this.)

Cycling convert Gary Kemp, ______________'s guitarist, remembers the first time he clocked the carefully art-directed photography of the Rapha website four and half years ago. 'It was like the time I saw the Sex Pistols at The Screen on the Green and swore I'd never wear flares again. Here was a new tribe and I knew that I had to be part of it. Within minutes I was buying clothes from this supercool English company, and I didn't even have the bike!'

7) Gary Kemp is the guitarist for which band?

--The Pet Shop Boys

--Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark

--Spandau Ballet

--Granny Gear Gary and the Complete Freds

***Special Missed Connections-Themed Bonus Question***

(But does he wear Rapha?)

She blinded me with:

--Science

--Silence

--Safety

--Smugness

Bruce in New York

Bruce Parrish (circa 1972), rode his first chopper from CA to New York twice. While there, a friend made this poster. Bruce said only one poster was made but I could swear I've seen this image on a blog a few years ago. The Paul Newman poster in the window sure seems familiar. It might have been another bike with the same background.

This is one of the last photos from Bruce. Click the Bruce Parrish label below to see all the cool images he's sent... you'll be glad you did!

The Winter of our Discontent: All You Haters Occupy My Malls

When Steve Jobs died, one quote was repeated and re-"Tweeted" incessantly, especially among bikey people. I'm sure you know the one I mean:

("Are mind," huh? At least one YouTube user could use a bigger bicycle.)

While most of us can appreciate the sentiment, I cringed every time I came across it. First of all, the bicycle he was talking about was a recumbent:

(Recumbents: Eeew.)

Secondly, it's highly ironic--and not in the entertaining way, but in the depressing way. I'm sure Steve Jobs didn't mean it that way, but think about it: Americans hate bicycles, but we love computers. Also, consider the iPhone. (Which is essentially a computer, despite the name.) I suppose in an idealistic sense it's a bicycle for our minds, but in practice for most of us it's more of a big electronic clitoris that we're constantly fingering in order to experience instant and fleeting gratification.

None of this is to diminish Steve Jobs's boundless vision, or the computer's profound and transformative effect on humanity. It's just that when it comes to any incredible tool--like the bicycle, or the computer--there are two ways to use it:

The Transformative Way, in which we use the tool to transcend ourselves;

and

The American Way, in which we buy the tool on credit and then use it as a great big erogenous zone until the new version comes out and it's time to "upgrade."

You can use your computer to start a revolution, or you can use it to look at porn. You can use your bicycle to transport yourself efficiently, or you can customize it and admire it underneath you while you do trackstands and go nowhere. The idealistic view of all this technology is that it has brought us all together, and the cynical one is that it has simply enabled us all to spend all day blowing ourselves. We are a nation of visionaries, but we are also a nation of insatiable auto-fellators, and I suppose it's this contradiction that defines our national character.

I also couldn't help feeling cynical recently when I received an email from some PR company announcing that they had been "working on a number of health related initiatives promoting health and wellness for the citizens of NYC," which I take to mean the Department of Public Health has hired them to make a bunch of PSAs. The PSAs are designed to get people to stop drinking swill and becoming obese, and they contain scare tactics like this:

We've reached a frightening phase in our evolution when we're being threatened with the prospect of walking. If we had any sense, we'd take this as an advertisement for Pepsi and not an anti-soda PSA, since enjoying a nice cool soft drink and taking a leisurely stroll across town sounds like a great way to spend a couple of hours. "Great, now I have an excuse to walk!" But that's not the way it is, and I guess this PR company knows that people are actually more frightened of walking than they are of the prospect of losing their feet to diabetes. I guess it's just evolution, since in a few hundred years we're not going to need feet anyway.

But can we blame people for being frightened of walking? "Back in the day" you might be afraid to walk from Central Park to Yankee Stadium because you'd get mugged. Now, you're almost certain to get run down by a motor vehicle, after which the NYPD won't even have the decency to return your family's phone calls. This is because we live in a place where "I didn't see you" is actually a valid excuse for killing somebody. Even in New York, you're not considered "visible" unless you're in a car, and if you're not "visible" you are fair game. So if you want protection from the law, at the bare minimum you'd better visit the Kia dealership, because you literally need to have a "lease on life."

This, then, is why American-style cycling has its own unique character, which is embodied perfectly in this photo taken by a reader in Seattle:

Indeed, I'd say that there are three images that define us as a people. "Washington Crossing the Delaware" embodies our patriotism and bravery:

"American Gothic" captures our steely resolve:


And "Captain America Peeing" expresses the manner in which toys with wheels drive us absolutely insane:

Speaking of insanity, as I've pointed out many times, people are insane for anything "artisanal," and a number of readers have informed me that even distinctly non-artisanal "newspaper" USA Today (the "Captain America Peeing" of newspapers) is onto the phenomenon:

I'd almost be tempted to compliment USA Today on its astute cultural criticism, if only they hadn't published this article just a couple months prior:

Though I suppose the ice cream is legitimately "artisan" since it comes from Portland, whereas the Domino's pizza is emphatically not.

Anyway, with "artisan" atop an increasingly lofty pile of words that have completely lost all meaning, along with others like "curate," "minimalist," and "dignity," at least one commenter believes "occupy" is now on its way to a similar fate:

Anonymous said...

It seems like now we just put the word "occupy" in front of whatever we're upset about. For instance in the image preceded by this comment: "And as for the competitors being able to fix a flat, while I did see this, I also saw no evidence that he completed the job successfully:" This is a great example of "OccupyFlatTire". There is little evidence of a plan for "change" (though his his wheel is off), but more importantly, it doesn't look like he'll be going anywhere soon.

October 27, 2011 12:04 AM

So is this true? Is "occupy" the new "nonplussed?" Have we officially branded and marketed our discontentment? Or is it simply shorthand for the unique brand of petulance we exhibit when our auto-fellating consumerist ways catch up with us? I don't know, but according to the New York Post (the periodical that consigned the word "newspaper" to the pile of meaningless words), in true 21st century fashion, Occupy Wall Street's "artisanal" cuisine has become so popular that there's now basically an "Occupy Occupy Wall Street" consisting of freeloaders:"

Ultimately though, this article really only proves one thing, which is that a newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch will print anything that implies the protesters are hypocrites.

But can you blame us for being consumers and auto-fellators and freeloaders and soda-guzzlers? Modern life is confusing, and sometimes you just need a little retail therapy. And when it comes to cycling, sweet, sweet crabon is the sodee pop of bicycles. But what if you can't afford it? Well, just buy a bike with some moderate damage, like this one which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Scott Speedster 54 CM Carbon Fiber Road Bike - $200 (Medford,NJ)
Date: 2011-10-26, 3:55PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I have a Scott Speedster 54 cm Road Bike that is a carbon fiber Frame and Fork. It has a waterbottle holder on it and the fork is still connected with the bearings and headset. Also comes with the front rim that is a alex rims race 28 pro with a scott hub. The bike was given to me and was ran over by my friends neighbor and has damage in 3 spots. But I know carbon fibre is repairable and this would be a good canidate. Asking $200. If interested please email me or text me at 856 524

Oh yeah, $200 is a bargain for that. Those scratches will buff right out.

It's a bicycle for the modern mind.