Maglia Rosa (or Pink Jersey): Overall Race Leader
Maglia Verde (or Green Jersey): King of the Mountains Leader
Maglia Ciclamino (no translation--this color is visible only to Italians): Best Gesticulation Indicating Derision
Maglia Clam Sauce: Sloppiest Eater the Previous Evening
Maglia Pescare la Rete (Fishnet Jersey): Leader of the Smarmiest Rider Competition
Over the course of three weeks this race moves like a self-propelled meatball over the red checkered tablecloth that is the Italian peninsula. If you're one of the people currently following this meatball, fear not--you will find no spoilers here. Instead, I'm focussing my attention on another, more important event. I'm talking of course about the Five Boro Bike Tour.
Attentive readers are no doubt aware that not only is the Five Boro Bike Tour not even a race, but also that it already took place on May 4th. What's more, I even conducted an interview with the winner, Lawrence Orbach. Since then, however, I've received a photograph taken at the finish which calls into question the very outcome of this monument of non-competitive bike tours:
I assure you that this photo was sent to me by the ride organizers and that it is indeed 100% authentic. You can clearly tell that the rider on the left is not Mr. Orbach because he is not riding Mr. Orbach's Aerobespoked monstrosity. Instead, he appears to be some sort of maniac in a full-face helmet riding what looks like a Bianchi Pista. Furthermore, none of the riders behind this maniac seem to be Mr. Orbach either. Thus we can draw two conclusions: 1) Lawrence Orbach did not "win" the Five Boro Bike Tour; and 2) Lawrence Orbach did not even finish in the lead group at the Five Boro Bike Tour.
Of course, it's unlikely that Mr. Orbach will lose his title. Not only has the protest period expired, but it actually never even existed in the first place (this not being a race and all). Furthermore, the "winner" depicted in this photo is not even wearing the blue bib of a registered Five Boro Bike Tour participant, which would indicate that he is a renegade rider. (As does the fact that he shows no signs of slowing, despite the fact that he's well past the finish line.) Indeed, if you look closely at the other riders you'll note their looks of confusion and consternation. Frankly, I'm as outraged as they are, but I have it on good authority that the people at Bike New York intend to take disciplinary action. (This action may or may not involve the confiscation of any free snacks that were taken by this rider and that remain uneaten.)
How this scandal will impact the future of the Five Boro remains to be seen, as does its potential effect on the PistaDex. On one hand, current Pista owners may wish to distance themselves from this rider's behavior by selling their bikes cheaply and quickly. On the other hand, his rogue status may imbue the Pista with a sort of countercultural mystique, driving their price on the used market even higher. Full-face helmets may also become in demand as millions of riders across the country attempt to emulate this masked man who not only beat a bunch of people who weren't racing, but also couldn't even be bothered to register in the first place.
Thanks to the good people at Bike New York for sharing this photo with me. Mr. Orbach was not available for comment.
