Indeed, I recently learned that a certain Tour de France champion has been separated from his fixed-gear bicycle. Here is his story in his own words:
I'm in shock. Someone just stole my track bike and I let them do it. After winning the Tour de France three times (and then virtually winning it like five more times, which makes eight Tour wins total, which is the best ever) I fell victim to a scam. I rode my bike to an upscale cheese shop which gives you a 25% discount on Gouda if you ride a bike when I was approached by a caucasian man of about 5'10" wearing a yellow Nike shirt, a pair of cutoff jean-shorts, and a giant foam novelty cowboy hat. He was fit. He asked me where he could get a bike like mine and wanted to lift it to see how heavy it was. He said he was a runner but that he wanted to try cycling. I knew I should SAY NO! but for some dumb ass reason I let him try it. He got on the bike and rode around the block three times and on the third pass he popped a wheelie and waved that giant foam novelty cowboy hat in the air and shouted "Yeee-haw!!!" real loud and rode away. He was a fast bike rider for a runner. WHY WHY WHY did I let down my guard.
Here is a picture of my bike. It has my name on the downtube and the seat tube and everything. I feel like a total schmuck. Please help me get it back. Any information will help.
Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking he brought this on himself. You're also probably thinking the bike must be long gone by now, and that it's almost certainly been resprayed and changed around. Well, it's definitely been resprayed, but I think I've got a bead on it. Look what I just saw on Fixedgeargallery:Yo Dennis,
Peep my bitchin' new fixie. It's a TREK. More matte black than a Black guy named Matt. Moustache bars so moustachey I got Sam Elliott clockin' my sh*t. Look out for me tearing it up on the streets of Austin. She runs a brake right now but I plan to lose that like GL lost the Tour in '91.
Peace,
Mellow Johnny
(Picture from Bikeradar)
Now I don't know who this guy is, but judging by his sobriquet and his penchant for street vernacular I'm pretty sure he's some kind of weed dealer. I'm also pretty sure that's our victim's frame under that new finish. Though if it is it looks like "Johnny" may have at least ground off the braze-ons.
If you'll allow me to get personal for a moment, I'd just like to share that while I may have a reputation for being bitter and cantankerous, I'm actually a very compassionate person. So after Michael Green's bike was stolen I passed many a sleepless night. (By "sleepless" I mean I was only able to sleep eight hours as opposed to my usual ten and half.) Indeed, I often found myself tossing and turning for minutes on end, haunted by the image of that green Aerospoke cowering in the corner of some thieves' den as it longed for its daddy, like Mel Gibson's son in the movie "Ransom." To my knowledge, Michael never did get his bike back, and I'm tortured by that fact to this very day.
But now I have a chance for redemption. This time, there are leads. And while I can't promise our theft victim his bike back, I can promise him one thing. I'll look into it when I get around to it. Maybe.
By the way, please note that there will be no post tomorrow (Friday) as I will be engaged in matters of import, but I will report back duly on Monday, May 12th.
