BSNYC Awww Yeah It's Friday Time To Cut Loose and Knit Something Uncharacteristically Colorful!

I don't believe in bicycle registration, or bicycle licensing, or bicycle inspections, or any of that gub'mint red tape. In fact, if'n I see any suit-wearing city-slicker politicians come onto my property to fiddle with my fixies I'll run 'em right off again with my blunderbuss. By the way, the gummint might call it moonshine, but I calls it "sustainably distilled artisanal liqueur," so unless you're either buying or working on a fawning New York Times "Style" section article about the ultra-hip Brooklyn "fakenbilly" phenomenon of which I am a part then I don't want no truck with you.

Nevertheless, there are certain situations in which I do think people's bicycles should be impounded. For example, this very morning, I was traveling in the bike lane (on my bike, not in my artisanal mule cart with a payload of turnips from the community garden) when a salmon turned the corner and started coming right at me. As he drew closer, I realized he was part of that strange breed of rider I call the "smoking roadie," in that he was wearing Lycra and riding a high-end bicycle while a lit cigarette dangled insouciantly from his lips. He was also listening to headphones. Frankly, I am of the opinion that if people are going to act like fixed-gear riders they should be treated accordingly, and therefore his road bike should be taken from him and he should be forced to make do with an overpriced brakeless MacaMashSF x Cinelli x [your lame brand here] "collabo" crapcycle until he learns his lesson.

I also think your bicycle should be confiscated if you raise a bunch of money on the "Kicking Starter" for a ride and then don't even finish it. For example, yesterday I mentioned NiCole "COLE" Robbins, who raised $775 in order to "investigate the question: what are the physical and psychological connections and processes between the daily activity of creating art while navigating uneven terrain north along the west coast on a bicycle" by riding from California to Alaska. Well, after all that she didn't even finish, and instead invoked the old "Sorry dear, I have a headache" excuse:

On July 1 - after arriving in Bellingham, WA, after 560 miles of riding in 11 days - my body decided it had had enough and I came down with one of the worst migraines I have ever experienced and hope never occurs again. It lasted 14 days and I learned in Alaska that my ride had ended in Bellingham. I spent several hours in urgent care and in the Emergency Room in Anchorage, Alaska. The diagnosis was a severe tension headache as a result of the tension in my right shoulder and side of the neck and dehydration.

Naturally I hate to see anybody come to harm, but at the same time this is exactly what comes of the "epic" binge-and-purge mindset so typical of American cycling. Instead of building up to these sorts of adventures and then undertaking them privately on our own dimes, we prefer to seek out sponsors, promote the ride online like a Hollywood blockbuster, and then document the crap out of it. Hence the eternal "zen" question: if a cyclist rides through the forest, and the ride is not videotaped, photographed, or uploaded to Strava, did it really happen?

As far as most of us are concerned, it did not.

Speaking of the Kicking Starter, this weekend the "cycling crossing" is coming to Staten Island, which means you still have a few hours to start a fundraising campaign to get yourself out to the "forgotten isle:"

It also means that if you're one of the many New Yorkers who have been like totally dying to try racing your fashionable new cyclocross bike, you'd better come up with some excuses and fast. Here are just a few:

--"My tubulars won't be dry in time."

--"My ironic singlespeeding costume got lost at the dry cleaners."

--"It's my Bard class reunion on Sunday, we're all supposed to bring an original lute composition, and I'm still working out the bridge."

--"My sustainably distilled artisanal liqueur facility was just raided by the NYPD."

--"I have major beef with the Wu Tang Clan and if I show my face on Staten Island I'm liable to get shot."

You're welcome.

And now, it's time for a quiz. As always:

STUDY the item;

THINK really hard and stuff;

CLICK on your answer;

DUCK if you value your life.

If you're right you'll be motivated to knit something uncharacteristically colorful, and if you're wrong you'll see how messengers unwind.