BSNYC Frideay Fun Quiz Long Weekend See You Tuesday Bye!

Firstly, this blog will be CLOSED FOR BUSINESS on Monday, January 21st, because I am going to be busy as fuck honoring the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. by sculpting him in cheddar cheese.  Well, actually the blog will be open for business in that you will be able to read it, it's just that I won't be typing any new words into it until Tuesday, January 22nd.  So I'll see you then, and if you have a problem with that then you're a racist.

Secondly, I missed the first few minutes of Oprah last night.  So did he admit it or what?

By the way, after a viewer alerted me to the Lance Armstrong interview countdown clock on OWN I opened a bottle of blended wine and tuned in to watch the seconds tick down:

Nearly three hours later I was purple-teeth wine-drunk and crying, and the Armstrong interview hadn't even started yet.  I then watched the interview, and then the re-broadcast of the interview that immediately followed, plus another six hours of OWN programming before finally going to bed sometime around sunrise.  Such power and dignity Oprah has!  This woman seized control of my heartstrings for like 12 hours and rode my emotions as expertly as a Mongol horseman controls his steed.  Sure, I'm no longer a cycling fan, but I am now a proud OWN audience member and "O, The Oprah Magazine" subscriber for life--and I have the ink to prove it:

What's that French expression again?  Ah, yes.  Shampoo, Oprah Winfrey.  Shampoo.

As for Armstrong, we'll have to wait for part two to learn more about his motives, but I'm surprised he didn't try to blame his actions on the "hipster lifestyle:"

Evidently, being a hipster ultimately results in driving your parents' Mercedes into a house:

“The allure of Brooklyn was her boyfriend’s circle of friends and the hipster lifestyle that was going on at that period of time — the drinking, the drugging,” LoTurco added.

The good-girl-turned-loft-dwelling-hipster was drunk when the car in which she was a passenger destroyed the home of a 96-year-old Huntington resident in May.

I was quite surprised to read this in the New York Post.  Previously they had led me to believe the pernicious effects of the "hipster lifestyle" involved bicycle riding, and that cyclists were terrorizing the city.  Now apparently the problem is that hipsters are driving drunk.  The Post had better be careful though, or else someone might get the idea that cars are more dangerous than bikes and that something should be done about it, and we can't have that.  It would be as unthinkable as the RadioShack cycling team continuing to operate--which, amazingly, they are.  They even picked a new jersey:

Thank goodness for Nashbar discount codes.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a cyclist on a rotating dais.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and happy cheese sculpting.



--Wildcat Rock Machine

("Black Power!")

1) According to Bradley Wiggins, the '90s is:

--"Pretty much a write-off now."
--"A musical wasteland, with the exception of Oasis."
--"A flannel-clad nightmare."
--"A cunt."

2) This car is inspired by:

--A motorcycle
--A fixie
--A velomobile
--A suppository

("Help!  I'm trapped in a metaphor!")

3) Fact or "Portlandia" plot: A Portland woman recently got stuck between two buildings and had to be rescued with soapy water.

--Fact
--"Portlandia" plot

(Wow, that polar bear sucks!)

4) Fact or "Portlandia" plot: Water freezes in Portland and chaos ensues.

--Fact
--"Portlandia" plot

(Hipster.)

5) "Kindling" is:

--A new energy fuel for cyclists
--A wilderness-inspired Brooklyn restaurant where you cook your own food over a fire
--A quarterly parenting journal for artisanal fathers
--The new mass market bamboo commuter from Specialized

(Big.  Tube.  Now that's good spondee.)

6) According to author and Brooklyn transplant Martin Amis, not only does his new borough have great spondee, but it's also:

--"So philoprogenitive"
--"Noxiously vituperative"
--"Like residing deep within the recesses of a vast vagina dentata"
--"The balls"

7) Missed Connection fill-in-the-blank:

To the girl eating a bagel I rode past you on my bike yesterday. We saw each other. I was wearing the ________________:

--"Massive beard"
--"Colorfull beanie" [sic]
--"Loepard-skin man-tights" [sic]
--"Imposing penis gourd"

***Special Bonus Sleep-Inducing Smugness Porn Video***

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

I used to live in a place called Brooklyn, and I still enjoy keeping abreast of the local affairs there because it makes me feel really happy that I moved.  For example, some people in Bay Ridge are apparently very upset about the opening of a "hipster bar" in their neighborhood:

I can certainly understand their concern, though upon closer inspection it turns out that these humble, simple-minded folk are mostly just confused victims of "hipster hysteria:"

“This idea of bringing a young crowd from Williamsburg and Park Slope, it’s unacceptable,” said Elizabeth Pabian, whose backyard borders the Fifth Avenue space between 92nd and 93rd streets where skinny-jean-and-flannel-clad customers will soon sip craft beers from the Midwest. “My whole life will change.”

Firstly, no self-respecting hipster would travel all the way from Williamsburg to Bay Ridge to drink beer.  That's like owning a custom bicycle but traveling all the way across town to borrow your friend's Magna.  Secondly, even if they did, they wouldn't "sip craft beers from the Midwest."  They'd be Midwesterners sipping craft beers, since that's where most people in the trendy parts of Brooklyn come from now.  By the way, here's a photo of the Pabian family:

Fear garden: The Pabian family is petitioning to stop the planned and so-called “hipster beer garden,” The Lockyard, from coming to Bay Ridge — worried that patrons from Northern Brooklyn will bring a tidal wave of noise and property damage.

The Pabians should get their own house in order first, because their son is obviously a closeted hipster.  They needn't worry about any "property damage" though.  Hipsters are typically too frail to break anything, which is why they're the only cyclists in the world still able to ride Spinergys:

(It's like riding on eggshells.)

Of course, the owner of the bar is equally to blame, since everyone knows you never tell anybody you're opening a "hipster bar."  You're supposed to lull the community into a false sense of security by telling them you're opening a sports bar where Thursday will be "homophobia night."  That way, by the time you open and the neighbors see the "bike pile" out front, it will be too late for them to do anything.  Now that's a cunning scheme--almost as cunning as a newspaper taking a boring story about some people in a boring neighborhood who are understandably worried about noise in their neighborhood and trolling for clicks by gratuitously inserting the word "hipster" into every paragraph.

Honestly, I'd expect better from a paper owned by Rupert Murdoch.

Meanwhile, in bike racing news, the Tour of the Battenkill is replacing its pro race with a Gran Fondo:

Unsurprisingly, no sensible company wants to waste its money on pro cyclists anymore:

In November Drake said that things were tough for American races. “The situation right now is impossible. I have had sponsors tell me flat out that we are not going to do any sponsorship in cycling, at least for the foreseeable future. Continental teams in the US have had similar discussions with their own sponsors too; its very hard.”

Which is why Freds are the new pros:

“We needed to make room for the Gran Fondo event which is in pretty high demand,” he told VeloNation today. “There are also fewer and fewer good reasons to be involved in professional cycling these days so it had to go, unfortunately. Many of our sponsors are much more interested interest in Gran Fondo style events and we hope to expand on this format going forward while keeping the traditional age group and category races that are very popular as well.”

Sure, Freds dope just as much as the pros do, but at least they pay for stuff themselves.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll emit a shrill giggle, and if you're wrong you'll see flatulence.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride flatulent.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

1) Which band filmed a video in Portland featuring scores of naked white people and a hairy vagina ball?

--The Flaming Lips
--Grizzly Bear
--The Grizzly Lips
--Slayer

(Like "Frenzy," only smellier.)

2) A Portland man allegedly attempted to strangle his girlfriend with his:

--Dreadlocks
--Penis
--Wallet chain
--Noxiously smug aura of self-satisfaction

(Since filming "Premium Rush," Gordon-Levitt has continued to ride fixed-gear and singlespeed bicycles.)

3) Joseph Gordon-Levitt garnered a top 20 finish in the singlespeed race at the Cyclocross National Championships in Madison, Wisconsin.

--True
--False

(A scene from the movie "I Am Not A Hipster" where you can see a butt.)

4) The film "I am Not A Hipster" has been described as:

--"A stunningly assured debut feature.  Think 'Five Easy Pieces' with indie-rock instead of piano."
--"'The Graduate' for millennials."
--"A stunningly assured debut feature.  Think 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind' with hipsters instead of aliens."
--"The most unfortunate film since Ang Lee and Spike Lee collaborated on the universally panned 'Mo' Better Brokeback.'"

5) The New York City Department of Transportation will transform 12,000 obsolete parking meters into:

--Bike racks
--Bike share docking stations
--Electric car charging stations
--Canoe mooring stations in anticipation of rising sea levels caused by climate change

(Sometimes a little reading material can help get things moving.)

6) The New York Times recently reported that three out of five New Yorkers admit to relieving themselves inside a phone booth at least once during the past four weeks.

--True
--False

("Is my scranus supposed to hurt like this?")

7) New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says bike share is:

--The "wave of the future"
--"Pie in the sky"
--"Smugness incarnate"
--"Now delayed until at least 2016"

***Special Oprah-Themed Bonus Question***

(One of these Oprahs is actually Phil Liggett.  Can you guess which?)

In a scandal that just keeps getting weirder, it's been revealed that Lance Armstrong was planning to fake his Oprah interview, and had actually arranged to sit down with Phil Liggett in a fatsuit.

--True
--False

BSYNCY Friday Fun Quiz!

Yesterday I mentioned that someone who was offended by one of my lame Twitter jokes has ironically kicked off a boycott against me by selling his copy of my first book.  (The one before Rick Rubin got a hold of me and totally ruined my sound.)  Well, at the time the bidding was at $.06, but as of this morning it's rocketed all the way up to $15.50:

I realize I haven't ever written anything worth more than like a quarter (an American quarter, not one of those Canadian ones that the soda machines always spit back out at you), and that once you factor in the shipping it's already up to more than the actual cover price of the book.  However, keep in mind that if you win it I'll not only devalue it further by signing it but I'll also write a poem and draw a picture in it.  Plus, you'll know that the money you're spending is going to a good cause, since this guy is pretty irritated with me for teasing the poor maligned NRA, and this way he can use the proceeds to buy some ammo and squeeze off a few rounds at the gun range, which hopefully will make him feel better.  And if he needs a target, I'd suggest the following:

(The rings are all wonky because it's artisanal.  Please feel free to download, print, and shoot at with your weapon of choice.)

By the way, please be assured I have no intention of sparking some sort of gun debate, and that I'm merely exercising my constitutional right to make jokes about the fact that someone doesn't like me.

Also yesterday, I mentioned my reluctance to renew my USA Cycling license, and a reader forwarded me the following article:

Basically, the article explores whether USA Cycling is indeed hindering the sort of grassroots amateur bike racing that is relevant to 99% of us regular schmucks, and it uses OBRA as an example of an organization that's flourishing without them:

Since breaking away from the federation in the late 1990s, OBRA has grown its membership to more than 5,000, and this year sanctioned more than 330 races. OBRA’s marquee event, the Portland-based Cross Crusade series, is the largest amateur cyclocross series in the world, averaging 1,100 racers at each of its eight events last season.

Pretty hard to argue with that, especially if you've been to a Cross Crusade race--though USA Cycling tries anyway:

"You need to step back and look at the importance of international heroes and role models. They add value and cache to the sport. We honestly believe that the overall benefit far outweighs any incremental increase in cost. Right now anyone in Oregon is outside the system with regard with those progressive opportunities that people tend to find value in.”

Wow.  He didn't just say "heroes and role models," did he?  Yeah, they've added "value and cache[t] to the sport" like a low-fiber diet adds volume to your stool.

Meanwhile, in news more relevant to everyday cyclists, a reader forwarded me this somewhat old yet still noteworthy article about cycling and vulvas:

Whether it's numb penises or aching vulvas, the media continues to be amazed that riding an ill-fitting bicycle can hurt your crotch.  Somehow most people manage to understand you need to wear shoes that are the right size or else your feet will hurt, but when it comes to bicycles we need laboratory research to tell us that riding the wrong bike will punish our pee-pees and woo-woos:

"The women took their personal bikes and saddles into the lab. The researchers mounted the bikes on a stationary machine, and had the riders position their seats and handlebars according to their preference. As the women pedaled, they reported whether they felt soreness, numbness or tingling as a result of sitting on the bike seat, and a device was used to measure sensation in the pelvic floor."

By the way, the device that measures sensation in the pelvic floor is actually Mario Cipollini's face:

(A perfectly calibrated vulvular pressure device.)

Anyway, the shocking revelation here is that if your crotch hurts you should raise your bars:

In cases where the women's' handlebars were positioned lower than the seat, more numbing and tingling were "observed" in their perineums (that all important area of the anatomy that women seldom think of unless pregnant and about to give birth, or if it is saddle sore). In fact, the study's authors conclude that handlebar heights lower than saddle heights "significantly impact" genital sensation in women.

Which is why I'm launching a new pub[l]ic awareness campaign:

And I'm pleased to report that at least one rider has already gotten the message:

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see the the guy from Barenaked Ladies work as a London bike messenger.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and listen to your vulva.


--Wildcat Rock Machine

(Photorealism.)

1) Bradley Wiggins was recently knighted.

--True
--False

2) David Millar wasn't knighted, but he was recently mistaken for David Byrne.

--True
--False

(Why is it all pointy?)

3) Which is not an optional donation when you renew your USA Cycling license?

--USA Cycling Development Foundation
--Edmund R. Burke Fund for Cycling Development
--John Stenner Collegiate Scholarship Fund
--The Tyler Farrar Pro Cyclist Hairstyle De-Eurofication Grant

("Don't let the ladies come between you and the belt.")

4) Is a belt drive faster than a chain drive?

--Yes
--No
--Maybe
--ZZZZZZzzzzzz...

("I totally would have cleaned that on my [insert wheel size here].")

5) Which is better: 650b or 29er?

--650b
--29er
--Belt drive
--ZZZZZZzzzzzz...

6) Why can't he just look at his phone?

--Because he's groggy from reading tedious Internet belt drive and wheel size analyses until 4:30am
--Because he's hung over and afraid to turn around and see who he took home from the bar last night
--Because his left hand is possessed and it won't let him turn his head
--Because he's an idiot

7) "I think when they get Orp in their hands they're going to be really _______." 

--Happy
--Excited
--Confused
--Grossed out and sticky

***Special Bike Porn-Themed Bonus Question***

(Remember naked roller fixie porn?)

Handmade bike show photography porn is out; __________ is in.

--Recumbent porn
--Unicycle porn
--Artisanal dropout porn
--Retrofit porn

BSNYC Friday I Can't Even Pretend To Care Anymore.

Hey.

You know how I used to kinda care enuf to spell rite and use OK grammer and put those dot things at the end of sentences and also use commas?  Well sorry, those days'r over cuz I dont give a fuck anymore about anything.  I'm ofically becoming a nihilist--and an illitarate one at that!  Here's why:

I saw this on Twitter and I was like, "What the fuck?!?  So I went to school and I watch my credit and I pay my taxes and do all the other crap you're supposed to do and all this shit is a simulation?  What a fucking ripoff!"  I don't know about you, but I was operating under the assumption that there was a point to all of this, and that if I did my best over many lifetimes I'd eventually get upcycled into an enlightened Buddha-like being with a shitload of money and an awesome house and a sports car where the doors open up instead of sideways.

Apparently not.

Not only that, but you know who's looking into this theory now?  Some people at Cornell University, which is like the MicroSHIFT of Ivy League schools:


In 2003, University of Oxford philosophy professor Nick Bostrom published a paper, "The Simulation Argument," which argued that, "we are almost certainly living in a computer simulation." Now, a team at Cornell University says it has come up with a viable method for testing whether we're all just a series of numbers in some ancient civilization's computer game.

Researchers at the University of Washington agree with the testing method, saying it can be done. A similar proposal was put forth by German physicists in November.


Glad the University of Washington concurs, and I'm sure it couldn't have anything to do with the easy access to legal marijuana they have out there.  No doubt this brain trust of slackers and stoners will quickly get to the bottom of this universal conundrum.

And if you're wondering how they're going to do it, here's your answer:

"Using the historical development of lattice gauge theory technology as a guide, we assume that our universe is an early numerical simulation with unimproved Wilson fermion discretization and investigate potentially-observable consequences."

Yeah, no duh.

Then, once they confirm this is all a great big computer model, they're going to try to talk to the people who made it:

Interestingly, one of Savage's students takes the hypothesis further: If we stumble upon the nature of our existence, would we then look for ways to communicate with the civilization who created us?

I'm pretty sure that line of communication exists already, and it's called "LSD."  A huge stoner like Savage should know this.  Also, what's this nonsense about "communicating" with them?  This is America!  Let's find out who these bastards are and NUKE THEM for fuck's sake!

So how do you feel knowing that you're probably just a useless part of a fake universe created by some kid who was dicking around on a free computer in an intergalactic Apple store while waiting for some free porn to download?  (Actually, maybe we are the porn.)  And how do you feel knowing that that kid's universe is probably also a simulation, and that existence is merely an infinite circle-jerk of simulations within simulations within simulations within simulations and so forth?  Are you just going to shrug it off and keep "foffing off" to your Strava?  Or are you going to find out which highly evolved consciousness is ultimately responsible for this and make them pay dearly for wasting your time?

I mean, whoever's behind this must be pretty loaded.  Maybe we can sue.

Anyway, speaking of collossal wastes of time, the Tour de France is going to Yorkshire:

You may know Yorkshire because of the eponymous pudding:

Although I only eat the kind of pudding that comes in pop form:

You may also know Yorkshire because of the stupid little dogs:

Which I mean, come on.  What's the point of a stupider cat you have to take for walks?

But did you also know this?

"Yorkshire is a region of outstanding beauty, with breathtaking landscapes whose terrains offer both sprinters and attackers the opportunity to express themselves. We have encountered a phenomenal desire from the Yorkshire team to welcome the Tour de France and have no doubt that passion and support will be particularly evident for the Grand Départ of the Tour de France 2014.”

Yes, I love when sprinters express themselves:

(Sprinter Mark Cavendish expresses his nipple.)

As for the "outstanding beauty" claim, I conducted an image search using a popular search engine, and it's not too bad:

But who really cares, because it's all just a simulation anyway.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right you'll know, and if you're not you'll see a short documentary about bicycles.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and give up on life like I have and spend the weekend drinking and crying.

--Wildcat WhateverwhocaresIcan'tbebothered....

(Doing what they do best.)

1) Nobody beats triathletes when it comes to:

--Swimming
--Biking
--Running
--Falling Downing

(Mavic's Mektronic derailleur doubled as an analog cellphone so you could call for help when it failed mid-ride.)

2) 12 speed?  Electronic???  A remote control?!?  Yes, thanks to:

--Shimano
--Campagnolo
--SRAM
--Tiso

(In the heyday of the fixie craze if you didn't have friends you could buy them.)

3) The bicycle was invented in Korea.

--True
--False

("This is going to be so cool in like 95 years.")

4) SRAM recently merged cyclocross with which tired pop culture phenomenon?

--"Gangnam Style"
--Autotune vocals
--"2 Girls, 1 Cup"
--That "race music" which captivates reefer addicts, suffragettes, and other undesirables with its throbbing jungle rhythms

(Bad Will Driving: Just one of the many ne'er-do-wells to be apprehended by Portland's finest over the years.)

5) Portland police have finally apprehended the:

--"Hipster bandit"
--"Tall bike buccanneer"
--"Rhinestone cowboy"
--Guy who made that SRAM video

6) What is this?

--A bike sauna
--A steampunk recumbent
--A human-powered meat smoker you can invest in via Kickstarter
--A trike that runs on flatulence

7) This is a steampunk sex doll vagina.

--True
--False

***Special Holiday-Themed Bonus Video Because Dogs!***