Holiday Shopping: Don't Spondee It All In One Place

Do you ever wake up so freaking happy you want to steal a streetsweeper and go joyriding on the Long Island Expressway?  If you do, does that mean you should cut down on coffee?  And let's just say you've already cut out coffee and replaced it with vodka but you're still deliriously, irrepressibly, and even violently happy every morning?  Should you go see a doctor, or should you just "run with it" because it means your life is finally working out?

Just asking for a friend whose name is me.  Also, what exit for Roosevelt Field Mall?  I have some holiday shopping to do and figured I'd knock it out while I've still got some time left on this giant Zipcar:

Speaking of cleaning up, it looks like they're going to take away Lance Armstrong's Olympic bronze, or they're not, or what's the difference anyway?

Lately I've been fed up with professional cycling, but I'm beginning to realize that the problem lies with me, because I've been viewing it as a sport and not as what it really is, which is essentially long periods of clerical work interspersed by pointless bursts of bike riding.  They might as well just get rid of the bikes at this point and turn the whole thing over to the lawyers and acronymous organizations.  Hopefully by next year the Tour de France will just be a bunch of people sitting around a conference table for three weeks--at least that way it's less likely someone will fall into a barbed wire fence:

(The suits "hammer it out" during the Queen Stage of the 2013 Tour de France.)

And with any luck, justice will be served and Armstrong will lose that medal, because he's a disgrace to the clean athletes with whom he shared that podium:

Then they can give the bronze to the fourth place finisher, Abraham Olano:

(ONCE's team slogan was actually "We are drugs.")

Abraham Olano was the "courtesy vehicle" Spain gave its cycling fans after Miguel Indurain broke down.

Also, it's worth noting that I recently received an email containing this documentary trailer:

The Last Kilometer / L'Ultimo Chilometro / movie trailer from Stuffilm on Vimeo.

And apparently an olympic doping scandal is now something you want to have on your palmarès, right up there with your Classics victories:

So there you go.

In any event, if you're wondering how Armstrong is dealing with all this ignominy, it looks like he's doing what any bike dork would do, which is drowning his sorrows in crabon and titanium:

Sure he's lost seven Tourses de Frances and millions of dollars in sponsorships, but after years of having to ride Treks he can finally buy a Moots and become the gigantic Fred he's always wanted to be.  I'm sure those Exquisite Welds™ make it all seem worth it.

Anyway, so, like, remember when I mentioned the holidays?  Well it's the holidays:

Whoops, wrong holiday!  I meant the Judeo-Christian Consumer Pillage-A-Thon:

I could watch that all day.  Actually, someone really needs to make a holiday-themed adventure movie about Black Friday.  Santa would drive a tank and kill everyone on the "naughty" list, and his Semitic doppelganger would burn enemy shoppers alive with his flame-throwing Menorah of Death.

Needless to say, if you haven't started your holiday shopping yet you need to GET OUT THERE NOW OR EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE GONE!  And tops on my list for stuff to get for my cycling buddies that don't exist is a pair of Chari & Co. Genghis Khan Winter Gloves:

Yes, for only $95 you too can ride around looking like you're giving Bugs Bunny a prostate exam.  Best of all, these gloves are vegan.  That doesn't mean that they aren't made out of real animals, it just means that the rabbits subsisted on vegan diets before they were humanely (and anally) electrocuted

Or, if you prefer, you can always give the gift of charity by making a donation in somebody's name.  So what's the hot new cause this year?  AIDS?  No, Bono cured that years ago.  Sandy relief?  Nah, I'm sure they fixed everything by now.  Rabbit rescue?  Nonsense, if the bunnies didn't want to be gloves they wouldn't be so warm and adorable.

No, this year the true holiday season philanthropist will make a donation in your name to a worthy Kickstarter campaign.  Here's one that's surely worthwhile:

Sure, anybody can make Rivendell-esque bikes, but it takes a true entrepreneur to make Rivendell-esque bikes and also come up with a name for the company that isn't Rivendell.  See, that's where the $70,000 dollars comes in:

Help them help you buy a bike that is available already from any number of existing manufacturers--though this one's made in Portland:

Which, to be honest, is no longer a selling point for me.  Frankly, I think it's time to boycott Portland, completely out of spite.  Instead, let's all buy stuff from Cleveland for awhile.  Granted, I have no idea if people in Cleveland actually make anything, or if they do whether it's even any good, but either way let's inflate their artisanal economy until it becomes a self-parody and someone makes a show called "Clevelandia," at which point we can abandon them too and pick some other city, or else go back to Portland if they've regained a sufficient degree of humility, which is pretty doubtful.

Speaking of gratuitous bike brands, no bike company is more gratuitous than Budnitz, and if you're thinking of Budnitzing that special someone this holiday season then you should bypass the regular Budnitz in favor of a special limited edition "collabo" Budnitz (or "collabnitz") as forwarded to me by a reader:

Clearly seconds, if not actual minutes, went in to the "curation" of this very special bicycle:

In addition to the meticulous handmade frame and custom titanium components of all Budnitz bikes (which normally start at around $2,600), this limited edition model sports an Uncrate matte orange paint job and is geared-up with a waterproof  Turtleshell bluetooth boombox by Outdoor Technology, a custom 6-pack carrier hand-sewn in Colorado by Topo Designs (which just so happens to perfectly match our Topo x Uncrate Backpack), Brooks all-black grips and seat, and a titanium Budnitz Beer Wrench.

Boombox?  Six-pack carrier?  In other words, it's a designer version of the department store bike your neighborhood wino rides.  Hopefully they left in the trademark creaking from which the Budnitz derives all its character.

Or, if you're just in the market for a stocking stuffer, why not get your all your friends some clipless pedals?

See?  They're way more efficient.

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