Secondly, I missed the first few minutes of Oprah last night. So did he admit it or what?
By the way, after a viewer alerted me to the Lance Armstrong interview countdown clock on OWN I opened a bottle of blended wine and tuned in to watch the seconds tick down:
Nearly three hours later I was purple-teeth wine-drunk and crying, and the Armstrong interview hadn't even started yet. I then watched the interview, and then the re-broadcast of the interview that immediately followed, plus another six hours of OWN programming before finally going to bed sometime around sunrise. Such power and dignity Oprah has! This woman seized control of my heartstrings for like 12 hours and rode my emotions as expertly as a Mongol horseman controls his steed. Sure, I'm no longer a cycling fan, but I am now a proud OWN audience member and "O, The Oprah Magazine" subscriber for life--and I have the ink to prove it:
What's that French expression again? Ah, yes. Shampoo, Oprah Winfrey. Shampoo.
As for Armstrong, we'll have to wait for part two to learn more about his motives, but I'm surprised he didn't try to blame his actions on the "hipster lifestyle:"
Evidently, being a hipster ultimately results in driving your parents' Mercedes into a house:
“The allure of Brooklyn was her boyfriend’s circle of friends and the hipster lifestyle that was going on at that period of time — the drinking, the drugging,” LoTurco added.
The good-girl-turned-loft-dwelling-hipster was drunk when the car in which she was a passenger destroyed the home of a 96-year-old Huntington resident in May.
I was quite surprised to read this in the New York Post. Previously they had led me to believe the pernicious effects of the "hipster lifestyle" involved bicycle riding, and that cyclists were terrorizing the city. Now apparently the problem is that hipsters are driving drunk. The Post had better be careful though, or else someone might get the idea that cars are more dangerous than bikes and that something should be done about it, and we can't have that. It would be as unthinkable as the RadioShack cycling team continuing to operate--which, amazingly, they are. They even picked a new jersey:
Thank goodness for Nashbar discount codes.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a cyclist on a rotating dais.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and happy cheese sculpting.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
("Black Power!")
1) According to Bradley Wiggins, the '90s is:
--"Pretty much a write-off now."
--"A musical wasteland, with the exception of Oasis."
--"A flannel-clad nightmare."
--"A cunt."
2) This car is inspired by:
--A motorcycle
--A fixie
--A velomobile
--A suppository
3) Fact or "Portlandia" plot: A Portland woman recently got stuck between two buildings and had to be rescued with soapy water.
--Fact
--"Portlandia" plot
(Wow, that polar bear sucks!)
4) Fact or "Portlandia" plot: Water freezes in Portland and chaos ensues.
--Fact
--"Portlandia" plot
(Hipster.)
5) "Kindling" is:
--A new energy fuel for cyclists
--A wilderness-inspired Brooklyn restaurant where you cook your own food over a fire
--A quarterly parenting journal for artisanal fathers
--The new mass market bamboo commuter from Specialized
(Big. Tube. Now that's good spondee.)
6) According to author and Brooklyn transplant Martin Amis, not only does his new borough have great spondee, but it's also:
--"So philoprogenitive"
--"Noxiously vituperative"
--"Like residing deep within the recesses of a vast vagina dentata"
--"The balls"
7) Missed Connection fill-in-the-blank:
To the girl eating a bagel I rode past you on my bike yesterday. We saw each other. I was wearing the ________________:
--"Massive beard"
--"Colorfull beanie" [sic]
--"Loepard-skin man-tights" [sic]
--"Imposing penis gourd"
***Special Bonus Sleep-Inducing Smugness Porn Video***
