New Bike Tech: Lo-Fi vs. Hi-Fi

In the world of bicycles, some innovations trickle down from the pros and from the big bike companies, and others bubble up from independent fabricators. Sometimes these innovations are so good that they become widely adopted and eventually become standards. Other times they fail to catch on. Here are two, one from above and one from below, that I feel meet somewhere in the middle and make mud:

BB30 Threadless Bottom Bracket

I don’t know about you, but every time I blow out my birthday candles, put a penny in a fountain, or wind up on the business end of a wishbone, I wish fervently for a new bottom bracket standard. Thankfully, FSA was listening, because here comes the BB30. And not only does it require a dedicated crank, but it also requires a dedicated frame. That means I get to go shopping! The BB30 is based around Cannondale’s 30mm spindle diameter, which they’ve been using awhile and have “made available to the industry for free.” This is less an act of generosity than it is the kind of “If I get everyone else to do it too, I won’t feel so dumb” mentality that makes you buy your friends that fifth round of drinks at 11:30 on a weeknight. Of course, every dumb idea needs an excuse, and the one behind the BB30 is reduced Q-factor, as though up until now straddling a bike was too much like going to the gynecologist. "The biggest concern is from rider physique, related to the crankarm curvature," [Matt Van Enkevort, FSA general manager] said. "Heel hit was a complaint, from CSC riders especially.” Van Enkevort went on to not disclose the fact that FSA don’t like the way their cranks look in pictures with heel rub marks on them, nor to admit that various sponsorship obligations prevent CSC riders from trying more simple things like wearing different shoes or dialing the excessive slop (or “float” if you consider slop a feature) out of their Speedplay pedals. Yes, heel rub is a great reason to redesign both the bottom bracket and the frame, and if the past is any indication, the BB30 system will be a resounding success. Just look at Klein and Merlin, both of whom once offered proprietary press-fit bottom brackets, and both of whom were subsequently subsumed by larger companies.

Wooden Handlebars

Some time ago a reader alerted me to the fact that someone is making and selling wooden handlebars. While my request for an interview with the maker went unanswered, I’ve since seen them here and there on sites like Fixedgeargallery and Velospace, so presumably they’re out there. And while there are safer ways to achieve that flammable look on your bicycle, these bars give you two things a roll of wood-grain contact paper cannot—susceptibility to termites, and that thrilling feeling that your bars might splinter at any moment. Together with a brakeless bike, wooden bars will transport you to that next level of sublime uncertainty, and simply arriving at your destination with all your teeth will feel like a Tour de France stage win. I’m not sure what sort of special care these bars require, but I’m guessing that you treat them like Mogwai: avoid bright light; never get them wet; and never, ever ride them after midnight. I’m also not sure if they come with a warranty, but maybe the builder will make you a nice set of wooden dentures in the event of a catastrophic failure. And if you still want to buy them, I'd suggest getting two, as the second set might be helpful in defending against beavers.

It's All in the Details: Lessons from the "Real World"

The twin evils of marketing and fads mean that more cyclists than ever are falling victim to extremely poor bicycle, component, and clothing choice. And to be fair, when a technology is marketed very aggressively, or a trend becomes pervasive, it’s hard to separate what actually works from what the marketing department and the fashion victims are telling you works.

Sometimes the simplest way to cut to the heart of the matter is to draw analogies between what you’re doing to your bike and the world outside of cycling. Doing so can sometimes help alert you to a potential mistake. Here are just a few examples of bad cycling choices and their non-cycling counterparts:

Mistake: Carbon-Wrapped Components

The cycling world is in the throes of carbon madness. Carbon is a wonderful material, and it certainly has its place, but wrapping an aluminum part in carbon is like making a pair of jeans out of fur. It’s pointless, it’s more expensive, it provides no performance benefit, and it comes with a weight penalty.

Non-Cycling Counterpart: Gold-Plated Jewelry

Mistake: Putting Too Much Useless Crap On Your Bike

People are using a lot of accessories on their bicycles these days, particularly in the fixed-gear scene. Despite the fact that fixed-gear bikes are ostensibly simple machines, people sure keep finding new ways to tart them up. And while some of these accessories have some sort of basis in performance enhancement, most of them have just become excuses to prolong the superficial joy of buying a bike by putting more things on the bike. Which is fine—until it goes too far, and you're just spraypainting, Aerospoking, stickering, spoke-carding, and top-tube padding your way to a ridiculous ride.

Non-Cycling Counterpart: “The Hoopty”

Mistake: Inappropriate Attire

Style is of course a personal choice. While there are certain customary ways of dressing for various types of cycling, if deviating from that makes you feel more comfortable with yourself, then by all means do so. But just make sure you’re not completely disregarding function and practicality for vanity. Some clothing choices just don’t work. Lycra and chamois exist for a reason.

Non-Cycling Counterpart: Riding a 150hp crotch rocket in your underpants.

Mistake: Losing Sight of What a Bicycle Actually Is

All right, I’m going to come right out and say that bicycles should be upright. Road bikes, downhill bikes, track bikes, BMX bikes, pizza delivery bikes, and even those completely stupid tall bikes all fall under the “bicycle” auspices. If you are a cyclist, you should be able to get comfortable on one of these machines. And you should at least make a very concerted effort to do so before resorting to a recumbent. (Please understand that this in no way applies to the physically challenged or those who, due to an extenuating physical circumstance of some kind, must use alternative machines.)

Non-Cycling Counterpart: Trikes (Uh, you’re one more wheel and a few more cubic feet of trunk space from having a convertible. Perhaps motorcycling is not for you.)

Mistake: Buying the Most Expensive Bike You Possibly Can and Hitting the Sunday Group Ride

Yes, most of the big bike companies make some kind of exotic, limited edition bicycle every now and then. And yes, it’s really expensive, and if you get it you’ll probably have a more expensive bike than anyone else you come across. But here’s the thing. They’re PR stunts. You’re not supposed to actually buy those.

Non-Cycling Counterpart: Being These Guys at the Party

Five Grounds for Immediate Equipment Reappropriation

Unlike drugs, motor vehicles, and firearms (well, in some states) anybody anywhere can walk into any bike shop and buy whatever they want—provided they’ve got the money. And while I’m all for shops making a profit, I just don’t think that’s right. Yes, I’ll come right out and say it—not everybody deserves to have whatever they want. I think there should be a strict set of criteria that a customer should meet before he or she is allowed to buy something. (Which is why no investors ever seem interested in my business plan for "Fascist Cycles.")

I also don’t think that this equipment regulation should stop at the retail level. I think it should also be enforced out in the world, well after the bikes and components have left the store. I envision a network of officers and informants who would report violations of these rules, upon which bicycles would be confiscated. Here are just a few circumstances in which you should be forced to forfeit your bike or components:

You Don't Glue Your Own Tubulars

The mind-numbingly boring tubular-versus-clincher debate continues to rage, as it undoubtedly will for all eternity. And as far as which one you prefer, I couldn’t care less. What I cannot stand, however, are riders who use tubulars but cannot glue them by themselves. Instead, they have a shop do it. (This may not be common everywhere, but it sure is here in NYC, where everyone seems to have more money than time.) And while I suppose I’d rather ride behind a guy whose tires were glued by a shop than by some idiot who stuck them on with some Elmer’s glue and a popsicle stick, I still think that if you don’t install your own tires you should have your wheels taken from you. Tubular gluing is an old, ritualistic cycling practice, and riding the tires without putting them on yourself is like sending someone else to your local house of worship to do your praying for you.

You Don't Tape Your Own Bars

Yes, it’s true, a lot of riders can’t and don’t tape their own bars. This is like being 40 and swinging by your parents’ house on the way to work to have them knot your tie for you. If you’ve owned a drop-bar bike for more than six months, either learn how to wrap ‘em or fork that sucker over.

You're Wealthy and You Don't Transport Your Bike Properly

I’m not a communist and I’m not Amish. Some people have money and they want nice cars. Fine. And sometimes you need to transport your bike someplace, like a race or a far-off group ride. Okay. But what I cannot stand is when I see a brand-new Mercedes or BMW pull up at the start, and the driver proceeds to wrestle his $7,000 Colnago out from the back seat. I mean come on! You’ve got the money, get a goddamn rack! The only explanation I can possibly come up with for this behavior is that there’s a spouse at home who does not want the statusmobile marred by unsightly load bars and fairings. Well, you know what? If you’ve reached a point in your life where you’re successful enough to afford all this stuff, yet you can’t put your foot down and give cycling the pride-of-place in your life that it deserves, then hand over that shiny piece of Euro-plastic. Or at least get one of those stupid removable trunk racks. Is a leather seat riddled with chainring holes somehow preferable to a Thule?

And don’t tell me you keep the bike in the car to save gas. If you cared you’d have bought a Civic.

You Don't Meet the "Dollar-a-Mile" Qualification

We’ve all seen the “too much bike” phenomenon in action. You know, the guy who buys the absurdly expensive team replica bike and rides it around the park a few times a summer in sneakers. Sorry, this is not acceptable. I think a very fair and accommodating rule is that you must meet the “Dollar-a-Mile” qualification in order to keep possession of your bike. Example: let’s say you paid $5,000 for your bike. You should then be able to prove that you ride at least 5,000 miles a year—which isn’t all that much given the fact that $5,000 buys a pretty serious bike. 5,000 miles a year is less than 100 miles a week. I think that gives plenty of latitude. And you can buy as many other bikes as you want, without additional mileage requirements. The only requirement is that you must ride annually at least the number of miles appropriate for your most expensive bicycle. Simple! And if you don’t? Repo time.

You Are a Serial Upgrader

Everybody wants nice stuff. Fine. But if you are not a professional bike racer and you own components made by companies such as AX Lightness, Lightweight, or Schmolke, or if you train on carbon wheels, or if your credit card starts vibrating when you hear words like “integrated,” “proprietary,” or “stiff yet compliant,” you have a problem. If this is you, your bicycle should be taken from you for no less than six months. At the end of that time you will then be permitted to buy a bicycle at a retail price of no more than $1,000, which you must then ride for no less than one full year without changing any components whatsoever. At the end of that year we’ll see where you are, and we’ll take it from there.