Bikes: There Goes the Neighborhood

Futher to yesterday's post, a number of readers pointed out that I may have incorrectly identified the nationway of the Mankini Castaway's flag:

To wit:

Anonymous said...


Rookie error by BikeSnob NYC there, confusing the Aussie Flag with what is actually the New Zealand flag...its a New Zealand flag, ergo, the guy on the roof was a sheep rooter/defiler....


our Kiwi cousins often pretend to be Aussies because they are so ashamed of their minnow status in everything...


July 30, 2012 9:48 PM

I'm not even sure it's possible to positively identify the flag given the extremely poor quality of the picture, which I took with professional quality photo equipment from the cockpit of a helicopter, and not with a Cheetos dust-smudged smartphone from my couch.  In fact, I'm not even sure it's possible to positively identify that flag if you're standing right in front of it, since the Australian flag looks like this:

And the New Zealand flag looks like this:

Or maybe the Australian flag looks like this:

And the New Zealand flag looks like this:

Honestly I have no idea.  All I know is that if these two so-called "countries" want people to be able to tell them apart they should at least have different flags.  It can also be difficult to differentiate Canadians from actual Americans, but you can't say our flags aren't distinctive.  Here's Canada's:

(That's a maple leaf, and not a silhouette of two turkeys humping.)

And here's America's:

(America: Guns, Trucks, and Money)

Betsy Ross sewed the first American flag back in 1492 (that's "sewed" in the American sense, meaning that she drew it on paper and then had it made in China), and you can see why we don't stitch that onto our backpacks like the Canadians do.  Instead, we just stitch Canadian flags on there so people will be nice to us and not take us hostage.

(By the way, if you ever want to be sure the person you're dealing with is an actual Canadian, just ask him or her to name the US Secretary of State.  If he answers correctly, then he's a Canadian.)

Meanwhile, here in Brooklyn, bike thefts in Williamsburg have apparently quadrupled:

I'm no criminalologist, but there are three (17) likely explanations for this:

1) More people are cycling in Williamsburg;
2) Criminals have realized that more people are cycling in Williamsburg and have decided to start taking their bicycles from them;
5) Given the constant influx of transplants from other parts of the United States, the typical Williamsburger is now roughly four times more likely to be utterly clueless, which makes taking bikes from them extremely easy;
D) A fine dessert cheese can complement any meal.

I told you I wasn't a criminalologist.

So what can you do to protect your bike?  Well, obviously you should put a lock on it, and it also helps if your city bike is an easily replaceable piece of crap and not a $5,000 rolling artisanal handjob:

Hey, it's a very nice bike, but this is Brooklyn and not Portland.  Sure, it's almost impossible to tell the two places apart now, but the resemblance is still largely superficial.

Also, according to a bike messenger quoted in the above article, you should also personalize your bike and have lots of friends:

Ciminera, 29, said she didn't go to the police when her bike was stolen months ago, but that other members of the bike messenger community spotted it 15 minutes after she sent a mass text message to make people watch out for the personalized two-wheeler, whose stickers and decorations made it recognizable.


"They went on a high-speed chase and got it back," recalled Ciminera. "It's good to personalize your bike, not just to ride around a factory Schwinn."

I drive more people away from me every year so the friend thing is not an option, but the personalization tip is a particularly good one, so I took her advice by putting distinctive $2,000 crabon racing wheels on my Scattante and then hanging a bunch of $600 electronic rear derailleurs from the top tube.  Sure, all that cost me more than a Beloved, but if the bike gets stolen while I'm in a bar getting drunk with a bunch of Portland transplants it will be instantly recognizable.

Ironically though, while everyone seems to want to steal bikes in Brooklyn, nobody in Brooklyn seems to want bikes around.  Consider the $40 million velodrome a wealthy benefactor wants to gift to the city, and which the neighborhood residents don't want:

So what could possibly be so bad about putting a velodrome on the Brooklyn waterfront?  Well, here's the mind-bendingly paradoxical reasoning behind the opposition:


Leaders of the major community groups in the neighborhoods abutting the park, including Brooklyn Heights and Dumbo, have questions about the track. They say they worry about the building’s size (with a footprint of up to 70,000 square feet, it is larger than a football field) and the traffic it might draw to the cobbled streets of Brooklyn Heights, while pointing out the relatively obscure nature of track cycling, in which riders on fixed-gear bicycles without brakes travel at terrific speeds around curves banked at 45-degree angles.

In other words, they say that arena will draw too much traffic, yet at the same time track cycling is "obscure," which means nobody is going to come see it.  I suppose the project is also too big yet too small, and too cheap yet too expensive, and too crazy yet too sane, and up is down, and 2+2+5.


On top of all this, I wonder if it ever occurred to any of the brilliant amateur urban planners who comprise these "community groups" that a lot of these bike racing fans might actually ride their fucking bikes to the velodrome, and that you could fit about a hundred bikes in the space two of these "community group" members take up with their cars.

I was also intrigued by the article's description of track racing:

"...riders on fixed-gear bicycles without brakes travel at terrific speeds around curves banked at 45-degree angles."

Is it even necessary to explain the concept of bikes racing around an indoor track?  I remember when journalists used to explain the fixed-gear trend by saying they're like the bikes track racers use.  Now they explain track racing by saying they're like the bikes fixed-gear riders use.  It makes track racing sound like some kind of newfangled indoor alleycat, and as though track racing followed the fixed-gear trend and not the other way around.

But the most convincing anti-velodrome argument was this completely irrelevant zebra metaphor:

“You can paint stripes on a horse, but that doesn’t make it a zebra,” said Peter Flemming, co-chairman of the independent Brooklyn Bridge Park Community Council and a resident of Brooklyn Heights. “Nor can calling this a ‘field house’ make it anything other than an Olympic-class track-cyling velodrome.”

You can call a velodrome cockblocker the co-chairman of the independent Brooklyn Bridge Park Community Council, but that doesn't make him not a velodrome cockblocker.

Oh, also, someone named Candace is afraid velodrome-bound cars could "overwhelm the neighborhood:"

Candace Lombardi, a Brooklyn Heights resident of 17 years, said she worried that the cars that would most likely descend on the velodrome could overwhelm the neighborhood. (There is no parking in the plan.) “This is a little 19th-century street with cobblestones,” she said, pointing to the foot of Joralemon Street, which is near the proposed site. “I’m just thinking about all the spectators and the traffic this will bring.”

Between this and the complaints about bike share stations, people in Brooklyn Heights must have the most bloated sense of entitlement on this side of the Willamette.  Brooklyn Heights is right on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge, and adjacent to downtown Brooklyn, which is full of courthouses and municipal buildings and colleges and office buildings--yet somehow the velodrome is going to be the thing that "overwhelms the neighborhood."  I'd suggest to Candace Lombardi that if she's looking for tranquility she made a bad choice by moving to Brooklyn Heights, and if she wants a peaceful upscale enclave dripping with charm and cachet and within reasonable commuting distance to Manhattan she may want to look into a picturesque little neighborhood called Connecticut.

As for the pro-velodrome people, they've found themselves a handy scapegoat in the form of beach volleyball players:

As for critics who have dismissed track cycling as elitist, obscure or simply weird, Mr. Reiners countered that Brooklyn Bridge Park recently opened three regulation-size sand volleyball courts on Pier 6. “If that’s the criteria for building facilities in this park, that it has to be very well known and popular, then that seems like a facetious argument,” he said. “Beach volleyball is fairly obscure itself.”

Actually, the solution is obvious, and I think the perfect compromise would be to use the space not as a velodrome but as an indoor cyclocross park where the riders compete in bikinis.  This should please everybody.  Plus, everybody knows cyclocross is the new track racing anyway.  Buying an expensive track bike, saying you're going to take it to the velodrome, and never actually doing it is so five years ago.  Now it's all about buying an expensive cyclocross bike, saying you're going to race cyclocross, never actually doing it, but justifying the bike by riding it on a short gravel path every once in awhile and taking lots of photos of it.

As for the people who actually do race track bikes, the "simply weird" criticism isn't entirely unwarranted.  Consider this article which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Are you wondering what the Olympic athletes are doing to pass the time before they compete in competitions they've trained their entire lives for?


If you're part of the German men's cycling team, then you pass the time by pulling down your pants and having a good old fashioned "quad off."

As well as the accompanying Tweet:

Actually, there's nothing weird about that, it's just Hans and Franz hanging out with in the Olympic Village's Castro district with no pants on.

Between the beach volleyball and the "quad-offs" the Brooklyn waterfront is going to be the new Muscle Beach.

Hungry for Justice: Meating Your Fate

(Erik K)

Subsequent to the "dropping" of the controversial Alberto Contador "meatgate" verdict on Monday, reactions from the sporting world have been many and varied. Some pundits say Contador's punishment is draconian, others say that disqualification is too good for him, and still others (at least in America) say, "Alberto who? You mean people get paid to ride bikes?" But one man in particular isn't taking this verdict (metaphorically) lying down. Instead, he's (metaphorically) standing tall by (literally) lying down and not eating anything--for justice!

That's right, Professor Einstein here is apparently "goin' hungry" and refusing to feast until his favorite "fingerbanger" is free. Of course, Contador's claimed ingestion of a tainted steak is what got him in this whole mess in the first place, so I'm not sure if the irony of this protest is accidental or intentional. Either way though, it's clear that Contador's inimitable riding style is like Prozac for the peckish professor:

“He brought me out of the depression I was suffering with, I could only get over it when I used to watch him racing in the afternoons on the TV. I was very ill, but in my house they knew that each afternoon they had to put me in front of the television and let me watch Contador, and that that helped me to move forwards,” he said.

Now, I understand how distressing this must be for the professor, but I'd hate to see any harm come to him and so I'd ask that he at least consider the potential healing power of 2011 Tour de France champion Cadel Evans:

(Evans mimes the act of eating to encourage the professor)

The consummate patron of the peloton, Evans is already en route to the professor's house in Spain, where he will solemnly promise to win the queen stage for him while wearing an Alberto Contador mask.

Speaking of being robbed (which the professor maintains Conatador was), yesterday I mentioned bike theft, which prompted one reader to leave the following comment:

Anonymous said...

Isn't putting some of the blame of the victim of a bike theft for poor lock quality or too expensive a bike kind of like blaming a rape victim for dressing too sexily? Seriously, bike thieves are scum and they have no excuse for stealing others property regardless of how enticing it might be. You seem to be saying that we all have to ride shit bikes to work and carry 7 different locks or it's our own fault is someone takes our bike. someone's been hitting the wednesday weed a little early.

February 7, 2012 2:11 PM

I think there's only one instance in which it would be appropriate to compare bike theft with the utterly despicable crime of rape, and that's if someone were to actually rape you while taking your bike. Otherwise, equating the two crimes is borderline cringeworthy. If anything, saying people in the city should take due care when locking their bikes is more like saying people in the country should make sure to secure their garbage can lids in order to discourage raccoons, since in both cases you're dealing with crafty animals motivated only by basic survival instincts. And yes, I do think Americans need to come to terms with the fact that we should be riding shitty bikes to work, for the same reason most of us realize we shouldn't paint the house while wearing our best suit. (This is my best suit.) Most importantly, anything designed to be portable--whether it's a bicycle, a laptop, or a "smart phone"--is going to be easily stolen, and failing to take the proper steps to protect it is to grossly misunderstand the workings of both physics and human nature.

Given all this, probably the most theft-resistant bicycle would be a really crappy recumbent.

This is certainly not to defend the actions of bike thieves, nor to excuse the theft of even a completely unsecured bicycle. However, the difference between your bicycle being there and being gone when you emerge from your manicure or your boil-lancing appointment is often maddeningly thin. For example, consider this bicycle, spotted in Portland by a reader:

Oh, come on now:

Then again, this is Portland, so maybe the owner thinks the thief will be sufficiently deterred by the unsightly nature of a non-integrated fork crown mated to an integrated head tube.

Meanwhile, the above bicycle is positively theft-proof compared to this Langster:

Which employs the cunning "lock making contact with the pedal" technique:

Though I shouldn't judge, for I too have completely missed the frame while locking on at least one occasion:

Of course, that bicycle was the Base Urban belt drive disco freakout bike--which still ranks among the worst non-department store bikes I've ever ridden--and it's entirely possible that subconsciously I wanted it to get stolen.

Sure, in an ideal society we would not be plagued by bike theft, but obviously any society that produces atrocities like serial murderers or the TV show "Glee" is anything but ideal. Given this, the onus to protect our bikes lies mainly with us--even though the law is technically on our side. The same thing goes for car doors--technically and legally it's the drivers and passengers who should be paying attention, but in practice avoiding them is up to us. And moronic ideas like this one (forwarded by another reader) are certainly not helping:

Here's the inspiring story of how the world's biggest idiot came up with the world's dumbest idea because he was too stupid to simply turn his own watermelon-shaped head:

It has likely happened to all of us: we're casually opening the door of a car when another car or bike comes whizzing past, nearly hitting the door because they didn't see it opening. Instructables user milesfromnelhu recognized the problem and decided to fix it by spray painting a warning strip on the inside of the door.

By this point in the article I've already formed a pretty clear picture of Instructables user milesfromnelhu, and that is of a slow-witted lummox who goes around spraypainting anything that confuses him. I'm reasonably sure he's also fallen into his own toilet at least a few times because he's forgotten to put the seat down, and that he's since spraypainted the rim of the bowl in a sad attempt to obviate the problem. And equally if not more stupid is the author of the article itself, who also offers this by way of explanation:

As the above picture shows, milesfromnelhu suggests painting the inside of the door that oncoming traffic is going to see first so they're warned of the door opening. It's true you should be looking in your side mirror before popping open the door, but it doesn't always happen.

Amazingly, there are people who are actually so dumb that the simple act of checking a mirror isn't even voluntary--rather, it's just something that either happens or doesn't happen depending on whatever impulses happen to be passing through their primitive nervous systems at the moment. For these human jellyfish, existence is merely a series of involuntary reflexes--a lifelong procession of jerks and spasms. Most horrifically, pretty much all of these people also have drivers' licenses, and they operate their vehicles in an infrastructure that has been purpose-built to protect them from any legal ramifications. Consequently, we're forced to do all their thinking for them, and to do the work of actually avoiding them while they're pointlessly spraypainting the doors of their crappy cars.

Of course, you could always install a custom cockpit that will serve as sort of a frontal "crumple zone," such as this one which was forwarded by yet another reader:

(The aerobars buckle and rotate upward on impact)

Or, maybe the bike salmon aren't so foolish after all, since their angle of approach at least means the car door will probably close on impact, hopefully trapping the driver's limbs in the process. This could be why the New York Times has literally used a bike salmon as the very picture of personal health (as forwarded by still yet another reader):

Just spraypaint yourself orange and salmon away.

Undeterred: Powered by Ego, Repelled by Disgust

Sometimes when a professional cyclist leaves the sport for awhile the time spent out of competition can re-charge both his competitive spirit and his ego. There is one Astana rider in particular who has recently made a much-publicized comeback, and whose ego has swelled up like a saddle sore in the intervening years. I am talking of course about Alexander Vinokourov, seen here wearing a jersey in the "Alexander Vinokourov" egoway:

Like any sport, professional cycling involves a bit of showmanship, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. Over the years, we've come to expect a bit of attention-grabbing "flambullience," whether it's Mario Cipollini's smarmy insouciance, Vladimir Karpets's heroic mullet and facial hair configuration, or Mark Cavendish's cat-cleaning-its-ear victory salute. Furthermore, it stands to reason that sponsors also like to get into the act, providing their more popular riders with things like custom-painted bikes and idiotic glasses. However, when Vinokourov put on a jersey bearing his own photorealistic likeness, he arguably went further than any rider before him ever has by promoting himself with a picture of himself on himself, thus essentially breaking the "fourth wall" of self-promotion.

I suppose we shouldn't be surprised to see this level of audacity from Vinokourov, who has long pushed the boundaries of acceptable behavior. For example, his insistence on waxing his eyebrows has long vexed the professional peloton. In cycling, opponents will often study each-other's faces for signs of weakness, but Vinokourov's hairless brow belies his suffering. Take this photo for instance:

Is Vinokourov fiercely determined, or is he in a world of pain? It's almost impossible to tell. If he had eyebrows though we'd know at a glance:

Obviously, the Vinokourov on the left is fiercely determined, and the Vinokourov on the right is in a world of pain. And now that he's back, between his lack of eyebrows and his Vinokourov jersey he may well be unstoppable.

However, not all cyclists return to the sport as egotistical juggernauts. One rider who's had a much harder time is Tyler Hamilton, who came back to the sport by joining Michael Ball's ectoplasmic armada only to be humped by the black dog of depression:

Stevil Kinevil forwarded me this particular photo, and Hamilton's unruly mop of hair and angry countenance is in stark contrast to Vinokourov's impenetrably hairless visage. While I certainly do not want to mock Tyler Hamilton's battle with depression (who among us has not seen the black dog's "lipstick" every now and again?), it is worth noting he's beginning to look distressingly like the Opinionated Cyclist:

Of course, one way to stave off depression is to keep yourself busy. This is especially important for professional athletes, who often retire with well more than half their lives ahead of them. Yes, time can be daunting, and it can be difficult to figure out how to fill all those years. Sadly some athletes attempt to spackle the chasm of time with drink and drugs, while others, like Chris Boardman, go around promoting the "bike of the future:"

A number of readers brought this to my attention, and one pointed out its resemblance to the Trek Y-Foil, a design which was clearly ahead of its time (by which I mean it was preemptively ugly). Boardman may well be as depressed as Hamilton, since he clearly envisions a dystopian future in which theft still exists and we are so lazy that we need electrically assisted bicycles to get around. However, there is hope, since the motor will be powered by solar panels, which means that at least we'll still have the sun. While they haven't actually gotten around to building the "bike of the future" yet, Boardman assures us that they can--it's just that nobody feels like it:

Just because "all the technologies are already there" doesn't mean you should build something. All the technologies are are also there to build an army of robotic killer clowns, and while such a thing would admittedly be marginally more practical than this bike they probably shouldn't build that either.

I will admit though that I was intrigued by the "fingerprint recognition" locking device, though I'm sure thieves would eventually figure out how to "fingerbang" them open. Still, I wonder if people will still use Brooks saddles in the future. While an old-fashioned saddle like the Brooks would look even more anachronistic on tomorrow's Nü-Y-Foils than it does on today's Aerospoked fixies, at least it could be secured to the bike using fingerprint recognition technology instead of u-locks. In the meantime, one of the few alternatives to cumbersome locks is one of the oldest theft-deterrent techniques in the world: camouflage. For example, you could cover your Brooks with a "Flash Panty" seat cover, to which I was alerted by a friend:

I'm not sure what a "Flash Panty Chemical Reaction" is, though it sounds like something you'd get after riding too long in a soiled chamois. In any case, it should not only disguise your saddle but also serve as a strong deterrent. And for maximum effect, after you've covered your Brooks (or similarly overpriced saddle) with a Flash Panty, rest a Neil Diamond CD on top of it:


Incidentally, Neil Diamond himself is also available in a "metal" colorway:


Of course, it shouldn't surprise you to learn that Brooks are not only aware of the fact that their saddles are coveted by thieves, but also that the market for Brooks theft prevention is potentially very lucrative. This is why they're developing their own line of synthetic saddle theft-deterrents:


Simply place a Brooks Theft-Deterrent Device on top of your saddle and walk away with confidence that nobody will want to touch it. Designs range from the highly realistic "moldy bagel" for low crime areas all the way up to the security and peace of mind that only a soiled prophylactic can offer.

Still, not everybody wants to prevent bicycle component theft. Some people actually invite it since it serves as inspiration for a romantic reverie:




In which I assume that only beautiful young ladies steal bicycle parts - m4w - 22 (Union Square)
Date: 2009-08-11, 12:39AM EDT

You: Young and attractive with a refined sense of style and quick with an Allen wrench.
Me: Avid bicyclist with apparently the same refined sense of style.

As I sat on a mind-numbing LIRR train car, and sat through an exhausting band practice, you were examining all of the bicycles near 14th Street. I can only imagine the tingle in your heart as you saw the perfect curvature of my stock 1980s Raleigh Technium drop handlebars. The black grip tape impeccably wrapped around the even arc of this exquisite example of functional elegance undoubtedly mirrored your own subtle beauty. Never one to miss a lucky chance to snatch up something both practical and stylish, you decided that my handlebars would be better suited in your possession than in mine. Perhaps you believe they will make a fantastic addition to the "found art" theme of your studio apartment. Maybe you appreciated the clean, simple lines of my fixed-gear conversion, and wanted to help me achieve an even more "stripped-down" look.

While I am not one to argue with a lady who has made up her mind, I am now slightly disappointed that I now do not have functional transportation. While I must admit that I enjoyed the walk from Union Square back to my apartment in the far East Village (especially the looks I got as I wheeled a handlebar-less frame crosstown), it was not exactly how I was planning on concluding my evening.

So if you read this, please consider emailing me back. I really like my little bike and would like to continue riding it. I would consider buying you a nice dinner (or a drink, or ice cream) in exchange for my handlebars and a (small) apology.

If he'd used a Brooks Theft-Deterrent Device on his bars, he might still have them. "Exquisite examples of functional elegance" are a lot less elegant when they're covered in fake puke.

Take a Seat: The Problem of Saddle Theft

In the past 24-ish hours, I've received a tremendous number of emails alerting me to the "dropping" of a new cycling-themed music video. It's already been posted on a number of blogs and websites, and seems to have gone what they call "virile" in Web parlance. The video is called "Performance" and features "MC SpandX," and just in case you haven't seen it yet I'm "embuttering" (that's Web parlance for "putting") it below:



Unlike that awful "Hugo and Treats" video this appears to be entirely satirical, and it's full of winking commentary. For example, while MC SpandX boasts about his superior fitness and expensive road bike and adopts the swagger of the "serious" roadie, he is in fact "palping" a triple crank and those pedals that are flat on one side and clipless on the other:

Moreover, they're bolted to a Tirreno frame which appears to still have the warning sticker affixed to the left chainstay:

And in perhaps his most knowing nod to "Classic Fred-dom," he's "curated" an ensemble which includes both half-shorts and the jersey of the Australian National Champion:

These are all clever touches (to say nothing of the fixed-gear rider's ultra-narrow bars and visible posterior crack) and I'd like very much to laugh at this video along with everyone else. However, as I watched I couldn't help thinking something was amiss. First of all, the inexpensive Tirreno road bike is used interchangeably with a Dura Ace-equipped Cannondale in the same greenish colourway:

Moreover, the video is called "Performance," and Tirreno is a Performance Bicycle house brand. It seemed suspicious to me that MC SpandX kept switching between the Tirreno and the Cannondale with Dura Ace, as if he somehow wanted us to subconsciously equate the Tirreno with a more expensive bicycle. Also, pretty much everything else MC SpandX is "rocking" in the video can actually be purchased from Performance too--right down to the Forté crabon fork. And what about MC SpandX himself? Surely a rapper this talented would have "dropped" something before this, but consulting a popular internet search engine revealed no additional information about him--though I did discover an "MC Lycra" who makes a guest appearance along with Priya on Bindha Aujla's "Yaar Kure (Twerk It)." (Hugo and Treats really should think about remixing this one.) It's almost as though his persona is completely fabricated.

At this point I was pretty much convinced that what I was watching wasn't independently produced comedy that references Performance in jest, but is instead an insidious bit of "virile marketing" wrought by Performance itself. After all, this wouldn't be the first time they've done something creepy like this. Finally, I watched the video again in slow motion, and my worst fears were confirmed. This thing's lousy with subliminal messages like a recumbent rider's beard is lousy with donut crumbs. For shame, MC SpandX. Look at this fraction-of-a-second blip touting Performance's end-of-summer blowout:


Or this gratuitous insertion of some Nashbar coupon codes:


Or this bit of mail-order trash talk:

In fact, by the time the video was over I'd received an email confirming that I'd just bought 16 of those distressingly phallic Spin Doctor "chain" cleaners (seen in use here) and a single irregular Pearl Izumi lobster mitten, despite my having no recollection of ever placing the order.

In any case, since this video is already well on its way to phenomenonia, hopefully I've at least managed to break the spell and people can continue to watch and enjoy without also falling victim to Performance's twisted scheme.

Speaking of twisted schemes, there are nefarious people in New York City who endeavor to steal saddles, which means that if yours is the centerpiece of your groupo you may need to go so far as to lock it. Indeed, I recently encountered what very well may be the most securely locked saddle I've ever seen:

When you take more time and effort to lock your saddle than you do the rest of your bike it may be time to re-evaluate your component choice. I'm all for comfort, but not at the expense of efficiency and practicality, and between the heavy saddle and the Kryptonite chain this person is carrying around like 20 pounds just to rest his own ass. But while the bicycle is bloated in the posterior department it is withered and anemic elsewhere. Note the undernourished bars:

Yes, making your bicycle a rolling showcase for your saddle comes at a price, and that price is a saddle/lock combo that weighs as much as a triple-chainring Tirreno. However, you do get pride of place in the saddle hierarchy, and for some people that alone is worth it. Note how these riders have parked in right-to-left ascending seat-cachet order with the stock Pista saddle at the bottom, the vintage Italian saddle in the middle, and the classic leather at the top:


Of course, you don't need to carry around a giant Kryptonite lock solely for your saddle. You can also use two u-locks, as in this photo which was recently forwarded to me by a reader:

Yes, that's way more convenient.

Still, people love Brooks saddles--so much so that Brooks has "collabiated" with a wallpaper artist (because nothing says "cycling" like "wallpaper") to make this thing, which I saw recently on fixed-gear freestyle impresario and collabophile Prolly's blog:
Apparently the wrinkles are supposed to represent the topography of Alpe d'Huez, though they really just look like buttsweat-induced creases, and at first I glance I thought this one was pre-distressed from the factory. In fact, I recently stumbled upon this YouTube video of a Brooks saddle-distresser on her way home from work. Unfortunately, it seems certain fetishists have learned that Brooks saddle-distressers tend to possess certain physical attributes, and as such they've taken to loitering outside the factory with video cameras.

Here's some more Brooks love. This photograph from the Brooks site was taken moments before this couple was tragically crushed to death beneath the weight of their own loaded touring bikes:

On a quiet beach at night, nobody can hear you whimper--especially when your chest is compressed by 60lbs of pannier and the nose of your B17 is crushing your thorax.

Still, Brooks saddles certainly make more sense for touring than they do for urban riding. In the city, you're much better off going with something cheaper. However, there is such a thing as too cheap, as you can see from this photograph, also forwarded by a reader:


Sure, you may not need 20 pounds of lock:


But you do need a lot of electrical tape.