Working in Tandem: Love and Cycling

In many parts of the country, February is the bleakest month in terms of weather. However, for this reason it is also a time of hope during which the popular imagination turns to spring. For example, back on February 2nd we celebrated Groundhog Day, though there were conflicting prognostications: Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and declared six more weeks of winter; Staten Island Chuck said there would be an early spring; and Williamsburg Ethan (the "hipster" groundhog) was too hung over to get up at all and anyway he didn't have anywhere to be until like 5:30pm.

Once hairy things start going in and out of holes, it's only a matter of time before people start thinking about love, and on February 14th many couples will reenact Groundhog Day groinally in honor of the holiday known as Valentine's Day. Inevitably though, these expressions of love will be tainted by outside influences as foolhardy people attempt to incorporate their own interests into Valentine's Day instead of temporarily setting them aside and focusing on their partners. Cyclists especially have a tendency to do this, since many of us are unable to focus on anything besides bicycles for more than a few moments. Sometimes though, both members of a couple love cycling as much as they love each other--at least according to this recent post on the New York Times "Spokes" blog:

Here is the story of the happy couple pictured above:

In this case, it would appear that two people can live together in a blissful state of love and perpetual cycling. This makes me very happy, I wish them many joyful years together, and I have absolutely no issue with them. I do, however, have an issue with the Times and its description of the couple as "young, tattooed lovers." I'll take the their word for it that the couple is tattooed, but 30 is not young. I realize that our culture now grades youth on a curve, and that 30 is the new 20 and so forth, and that Williamsburg Ethan's parents do not expect him to "get serious" and pay his own rent until he's gotten that MFA he's been "pursuing" for the last eight years. But in the context of love, young still means young, and even in the 21st century "young love" is "Juno," not "Sideways." On top of that, the couple has been together for six years, so it's not even a young relationship. If mainstream media like the Times keeps pushing the physical definition of "young," before you know it "barely legal" porn will mean pictures of people making withdrawals from their Roth IRAs just a few days after the maturity date, and as "hot" as that may be from a financial standpoint it's not terribly arousing.

Of course, you can't talk about love and cycling without talking about tandems, and the Times also looks at another couple (at age 60, I guess they just missed the "young lovers" cutoff) for whom the tandem is a "mirror onto the relationship:"

This is absolutely true. Relationship warning signs you might encounter on a tandem ride are:

--Your partner pedals too fast;

--Your partner pedals too slow;

--Your partner is giving you "the finger;"

--You are alone on the tandem because your partner is in bed with somebody else;

--Your stoker is a sex doll.

I also agree that you can tell a lot about a couple by the way they share a tandem. For example, this couple both care deeply about the environment and only occasionally have mild disagreements about which items can be composted or who borrowed whose Native American beaded hair tie:

This couple have different feelings regarding recumbent versus upright bicycles, but they made it work:


And this couple is so in love they don't even need a tandem:

Ahh, young love.

Still, not everybody can ride together so successfully, and sometimes you've just got to set the bike aside and pay attention to something else. Even though I taunted "Bicycling" for going skiing yesterday, the truth is sometimes you've got to "switch it up" a little, and the well-rounded person can continue to enjoy life if circumstances make cycling difficult or impossible. For those that can't, though, there's always roller racing. I recently received a newsletter from "Rollapaluza," who were breathlessly excited over a drop-in from Mark Cavendish:

Roller racing is a unique area of cycling in that it seems to appeal to both uptight racers and the shants-and-wool-caps "bike culture" set, though to me watching people race without going anywhere is about as interesting as one of those water balloon games. I guess the reason roller racing works for these two disparate groups is that the only way to get "serious" racers into bars is to hold bike races in them, and the only way to get "bike culture" people to race is to hold the races in bars. ("It's OK to be in a bar as long as there's a race," the roadie tells himself, just like the porn-addicted homophobe tells himself it's OK to watch two penises touching as long as there's a vagina in the shot somewhere.) Marginally less boring than roller racing though certainly more ridiculous is underwater cycling, of which a couple of readers recently informed me:


It's interesting to note that, while people do some pretty dumb stuff on fixed-gears, when it comes to truly idiotic cycling endeavors the low-end mountain bike is almost always the vehicle of choice. In this sense I suppose it is the Rhesus monkey of the bicycle kingdom.

Speaking of the "bike culture," their appetite for overpriced designer u-lock holsters shows no signs of being sated anytime soon, and another reader recently forwarded this item to me:

Unfortunately, if you're in the market for an exotic fanny pack, or a hands-free purse, or the wallet equivalent of a colostomy bag, you're going to have to wait because this isn't available yet. You can, however, purchase this delightful frame bag:
I'm not sure what an "artisanal itch" is, but if you have one I recommend seeing a doctor--or if you're still snowed in, at least apply some Preparation H and resist the urge to scratch.

Simplify: Less is Less

While we're only two stages and a prologue into the Tour de France, it saddens me to announce that I've already fallen way behind on my viewing like Tom Boonen fell back on stage one. With something like five hours of coverage a day on Versus I fail to see how it is possible to actually follow the Tour while still making time for other necessary activities such as working, eating, and even going to the bathroom. Really, you'd have to be unemployed and sitting on the couch wearing an adult diaper to watch it all.

Actually, I can now finally relate to Greg LeMond, who insists that as the EPO era began he was forced to watch lesser cyclists ride away from him. Similarly, I feel that it is now impossible to follow the Tour de France without chemical assistance, and so like Greg LeMond I'm going to make a sweeping accusation that anybody who can either follow or cover the Tour de France thoroughly is doing so with the aid of neuroenhancing drugs such as Adderall. Fithy dopers, all of them! Booze and Wednesday Weed is one thing, but Ritalin is something else. Frankly, I don't recognize the (coverage of the) sport anymore. These people have no conscience.

Still, there's always time for a short article designed to pick at scabs and inflame controversy, which is why I read this ESPN article:

"Particularly, particularly, particularly" monitoring the Tour rider who is arguably least likely to cheat is sort of like Mavic blaming a frame manufacturer for their shattered wheel. Actually, I think focussing excessively on a single rider like this may be a sign of neuroenhancer abuse. Meanwhile, I was interested to note that Armstrong himself is compiling the definitive list of Tour de France riders on Twitter. And since you don't need neuroenhancers to follow 140-character dispatches, I checked out a few of them. So far my favorite Tour de France Tweeter is Skil-Shimano rider Fumy Beppu, who Tweets in no less than three languages:

There really should be some kind of jersey for that, though given the truncated nature of Twitter it would probably be more of a triathlon crop top.

Another reason I find it difficult to follow the Tour de France closely is that there is so much cycling-related news and opinion closer to home. Furthermore, this news and opinion also has a much greater bearing on our lives as cyclists than the Tour de France does. Take for instance this New York Times op-ed, in which the author proposes the notion that Detroit could become "a new bicycle utopia:"

I was intrigued by the notion that Detroit may be making a play for Portland's status as America's cycling paradise. I'm sure many a Portlander will read this op-ed and scoff, but the truth is that it's all too easy to be undone by your own complacency. I would advise Portland to step up the frequency of its famous campy theme rides immediately. A quick glance at the headlines reveals that there's theme ride potential in many recent developments. For example, a Robert S. McNamara ride, an Obama visits Russia ride, or even a Kevin Jonas of the Jonas brothers engagement ride would be sure to bring Portland's cyclists out in droves, though I suppose these rides might conflict with their rigorous vegan Tour de France viewing party schedules.

Another interesting point raised in this op-ed is the idea that the collapse of the American auto industry is creating a void in some areas which the bicycle may be poised to fill. Regardless of how you feel about automobiles, it's hard to ignore the fact that the auto industry both here and abroad has "jumped the wolf" or "urinated on the turtle" in a number of ways. For example, as I was eating my usual breakfast of Korean Froot Loops this morning (I only eat overseas versions of American cereals--it's important to keep your diet rich in both iron and irony), a commercial for the new Mercedes E-Class came on the television. Since I'm not in the market for a German luxury car I wasn't really paying attention--that is until the announcer mentioned some feature which somehow senses when the driver is falling asleep and then wakes them up.

I wasn't sure I'd heard that right, so I went to my favorite source for all things automotive: Gaywheels.com. You can infer from that whatever you'd like, but the fact is that information knows no sexual orientation, and gay or straight you've got to acknowledge the expertise of Gaywheels contributor, Cocoa Efficient:

Actually, I'd never heard of Miss Cocoa Efficient before visiting Gaywheels.com, but I'm guessing she's the Brock Yates for people who prefer "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar" to "The Cannonball Run" when it comes to their road movies.

Anyway, Gaywheels.com indeed confirms that the new Mercedes E-Class wakes you up when you start to nod off:
Yes, the E-Class actually "observes 70 different data points" to figure out if you're falling asleep. I'd love to know what those data points are. "Drooling? Check. Rapid Eye Movement? Check. Semi-erection? Check. Sound the alarm!" Hopefully all 70 datapoints must be satisfied before the alarm goes off, though, since I'm sure the average Mercedes owner will often either drool or exhibit a semi-erection when admiring his reflection in a storefront window while waiting at a red light, and a booming German voice shouting "Achtung!" (with accompanying video, since there's also a "visual" reminder) would be quite embarrassing. Also, it's interesting that the alarm also sounds when you text. I guess that means we've officially reached the point where texting is considered an involuntary activity and we can no longer be held responsible for doing it.

Now, I have nothing against cars. Actually, I like cars. They can be useful and fun. Unfortunately, the problem is that many people who operate cars don't realize they're operating machines, and this is because cars have become so coddling that operating one requires only slightly more effort than watching the Tour de France on your sofa in a state of semi-consciousness while wearing a pair of adult diapers. Yes, the roads are full of bloated vehicles driven by people who need interior microclimates and crow's nest vantage points and nine airbags and DVD players to distract their kids and 70-point monitoring systems to keep them awake. Meanwhile, some people think the answer is more efficient cars or alternative energy sources. I strongly disagree. The answer is legislation requiring that all cars have manual transmissions, no airbags, and carbeurated, air-cooled engines with no more than 1500cc displacement. That way, people would actually need to know how to drive, and they'd also have to pay attention to what they were doing. The ban on automatic transmissions alone would probably take roughly half the drivers in the United States off the road.

Meanwhile, I'm surprised that more automobile manufacturers have not attempted to harness the awesome power of bicycles to market their cars lately. Sure, you see bikes in car ads now and again, but it's nothing like the '90s, when the mountain bike was king and you could buy a Jetta that came with a Trek:


Frankly, I'm surprised we haven't seen this yet in the fixed-gear era. A Mini Cooper that comes with a Langster seems like an obvious sales gimmick.

On the other hand, the world of fashion is all over the cycling trend. A reader recently forwarded this coverage of the Louis Vuitton Spring 2010 collection, which indicates that bike messengers were a major source of inspiration:

Bicycle messengers everywhere are no doubt trying to decide which is more offensive: the implication that they are "over inked meth heads with bad hair," or the idea that they are "gentlemen butterflies." I'd wager that most messengers like to exist somewhere in the middle of this absurd spectrum, and that they prefer to think of themselves the way the media usually portrays them, which is as "outlaws" with fashion sense. In any case, while bike messengers may ostensibly have been the inspiration behind these clothes, it's pretty hard to see that here:

There's really nothing about this outfit that suggests the wearer delivers packages by bicycle. If anything, it looks like something you'd put on to review a convertible for Gaywheels.com.

Equally non-messengery is this look:

Though if I had to imagine him on a bicycle, it would be this hipster touring bike, forwarded by another reader:

To complete the handlebar clutter, he should install this on-board speaker system, forwarded by yet another reader:



Yes, sadly some cyclists like to take the auto industry approach and load their bikes with creature comforts. Thankfully, though, not everybody wants to be coddled, and some people still reject the "more is better approach:"


Well, at least as far as cars are concerned.

(Hopper's ride.)

My Bike, It's Full of Stars! Every Material, Every Color, All the Time

Obviously, many cyclists these days get very excited about crabon fiber. However, there are some riders for whom crabon alone simply isn't enough. After all, when you're out there on your road bike, you want to be confident that yours is the most desirable bike out there. While crabon bikes sure are desirable, what happens if you run into somebody with a titanium bike, or a bike with "exquisite lugwork?" These things too are highly coveted, and the experience can be humbling. Sure, you may also have a titanium bike and an "exquisitely lugged" bike back home in the garage, but without a "My Other Two Road Bikes are Titanium and Exquisitely Lugged Respectively" bumper sticker or jersey how is anybody going to know it? That's why you need one of these:






Independent Fabrication xs, Titanium-Carbon Lugged Frame! - $5000 (Brooklyn)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-31, 12:08AM EDT

This is the real deal folks. A 100% true original work of art. Museum Quality, brand new condition Ultra Custom Independent Fabrication xs. Titanium Laser Cut Lugs, Carbon Fiber tubes, seat stays and fork.
This frame is truly a one of a kind gem. Hand built to ABSOLUTE perfection, by a former employee. Has been in ads for chris king. The paint job is not even available to customers and if it was it would be an up-charge of nearly $1000. Normally the fork and seat stays are not painted only the tubing, but ALL the carbon is painted on this frame with PPG clear coat with added purple iridescent flake, so it sparkles in the sun transitioning from purple to deep blue to silver. Quite a sight. Comes with the original paper work including in house build sheet. A true collectors item, honored and worshipped, given the treatment of the gods so it is in BRAND NEW condition
Now the specs...
This frame is built with compact geometry 48x53, for someone who would normally ride a 52x53
seat tube length 48cm
top tube: 53
head tube:121
Ht angle: 72
St angle: 73
tt angle: 5
wheelbase: 97.3
Standover: 76.4
Trail: 56.9
Chainstay: 410!!!

Here's the deal. NO LOOKILOOS, HAGGLERS, NON SERIOUS BUYERS. The asking price is $5500 or best REASONABLE and this frame in it's rarity alone is worth $7,000. Look at http://ifbikes.com/frames2/xs.shtml for more reference.
Sorry, the pink chris king head set does not come with the frame. You will the envy of all riding this ridiculous beauty around this spring!!

I have more images I can link you to. Good Luck.




Crabon? Not just carbon, but "purple iridescent flake" crabon. Titanium? Oh yeah--in fact, it's "museum quality," and as any frequenter of museums knows, all the great masters worked in crabon and titanium. Exquisitely lugged? Come on, didn't you read the ad? They're cut with lasers! Still, sometimes even a bike that's crabon, titanium, and exquisitely lugged by lasers all at the same time is still not enough. It needs a pedigree as well. Well, this frameset has that too, because it has been in ads for Chris King. Just imagine the thrill of riding around on your museum-quality sci-fi critanium dream bike and having some lesser cyclist on a plain crabon or ti or lugged bike approach you and ask, "Wow, is that the bike from that Chris King ad? I totally foffed off to that bike." Now that's cycling bliss.

But if you're the type of person who is prone to foffing off in the presence of lugwork, this seller wants you to know he's not running some kind of bicycle peep show or shady "lug and tug." As yo can see, he specifies "NO LOOKILOOS, HAGGLERS, NON SERIOUS BUYERS." So even if you're prepared to pay his full asking price but can't resist also asking if he's heard the one about the guy who walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other, don't do it, because he'll boot you right out of there. Also, while "lookiloos" is slang for people who look without buying, the word originally referred to baby jackalopes:

(erik k)

That's probably not what he means, but still, if you have one of these you probably shouldn't bring it along.

And if you are sufficiently wealthy and serious and baby jackalope-free to actually acquire this frameset, the first thing you should to is purchase this saddle for it;


At first glance, the graphic on the saddle might look like flaming eyeballs, but anybody who's been to that nasty "Bodies" exhibition knows that they're actually disembodied testicles. I'm not sure why Troy Lee chose to emblazon a bicycle saddle with flaming disembodied testicles, but I guess it's either a placement guide, or else a veiled warning that this saddle is not comfortable. Or maybe flaming disembodies testicles are just the flaming dice of the new millennium.

Speaking of new trends, I have a very bad feeling that a new one is about to pounce like a rabid lookiloo. I recently received in the mail a catalog from a high-end clothing retailer (don't ask me where these things come from--junk mail is like herpes and I guess I must be promiscuous) and while thumbing through it I happened upon this:


Yes, that is somebody skating in a $1,520 designer helmet.

So why am I concerned? There are no bicycles involved, right? Well, just as I must have bought something somewhere with some credit card at some point and wound up with catalog herpes, fashion trends too are like STDs. This is a guy on a skateboard in a fashion retail catalog that also sells expensive jeans. And we know who draws much of their stylistic inspiration from skating and designers and retailers of overpriced trendy clothing. Yes, that's right--urban cyclists. From skating they've appropriated the sneakers and the cinematographic style, and from the world of fashion they've appropriated things like "lookbooks" and "colorways." So it's only a matter of time before someone else with catalog herpes happens upon this and starts marketing fashion helmets to urban cyclists. Look--here's another one:



And this one's $1,750.

With the world of bags and holsters and sneakers and hats and t-shirts already quite crowded, the helmet is the next logical step for trendification. Obviously, not all urban cyclists wear helmets, but many of them do. Even if they don't, they espouse helmet use when the subject comes up. In the fixed-gear world, brakes aren't cool, but helmets are, and here in New York I see brakeless helmeted riders all the time. Really, selling expensive fashion helmets to urban fixed-gear cyclists would be like shooting lookiloos in a laundry hamper. Anybody who can justify spending money on a cycling-specific utility belt or a $290 messenger bag "collabo" will certainly pay way more than that for a helmet, provided it's cool enough. After all, it's for safety, and you can't put a price on safety. (Unless that safety comes in the form of a brake, in which case you can't give it away.) Given the current trend climate of streetwear mixed with retro-chic, I'd imagine this helmet would be some updated take on the old hairnets. That way, they could also display their fitted caps underneath.

In the meantime, from the neck down, cycling fashion seems to have graduated from "colorways" to "color collisions." A number of readers forwarded me this, which comes from some kind of GQ fashion spread:


I'm glad to see some practicality finally coming to urban cycling fashion. As all cyclists know, it's extremely important to give your flaming pants yabbies plenty of breathing room. I'm assuming when it's time to actually get on the bike he just hikes the waist up to his armpits so the crotch doesn't get hung up on the nose of his saddle.

Here are some more hot looks. Actually, it looks like GQ have bypassed "color collisions" and gone straight to "color clusterfucks:"



Also, I'm assuming this photo shoot comes from Europe, so in this case it looks like the "color clusterfuck" look has bypassed the east coast of the United States and gone straight to Boise, Idaho:



Finally, speaking of trends, a reader has forwarded me this interview, which reveals that people are now actually asking their wheelbuilders to place messages on their rims for them:


Yes, putting words on your wheelset is now as integral to the wheelbuilding process as stress relieving.

AYHSMFDT.

Cape Fear: Cycling Fashion's Reign of Terror Continues

(Helper monkey--the ultimate multi-tool!)

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that this spring is going to be about one thing--an unprecedented abundance of cycling fashions. No sooner did I learn about the controversial "Extra Leg" calf sheath than I discovered the "Urban Gaiter:"



Yesterday I quipped that someday soon we might see an "Extra Leg" with integrated pouches. Well, guess what the "Urban Gaiter" is? No, it's not a rapping cartoon alligator; it's an "Extra Leg" with integrated pouches:






Urban Gaiter $20.00

Black Cordora Fabric with Reflective Schoeller Fabric. Used Around Pant Leg And Has Side Pocket To Hold Cell Phone, Money and Other Items. Perfect For Quick Errands and Protecting Your Pants On Your Commute.

There weren't any photos of somebody actually wearing the "Urban Gaiter," but I'm guessing it looks like a blood pressure monitor, only on your leg. If you're riding in street clothes anyway, I'm not sure why you just can't put your money, keys and phone where you normally would--in your pockets. Why would hopping on your bike to run some "quick errands" suddenly necessitate strapping all these things to your appendages like you're smuggling them through customs? The next step can only be hiding them completely in one of those touristy money belts, or else simply placing them in a condom and swallowing them. (The latter technique works great for tools, too. "You wouldn't happen to have a tire lever on you, would you?" "Well, technically yes, but I won't be able to get to it for 24 hours.") Still, if you own an urban sombrero, I'm sure the "Urban Gaiter" would make a lovely companion piece.

I was curious to learn more about the company that sells the "Urban Gaiter," so I read more about them on their website:




I'm a bicycle commuter, and I can certainly appreciate "durable, versatile, and practical commuting gear." I have a body to keep warm and dry, and I also have personal effects I like to carry and sometimes need to access in less than 24 hours. (There's nothing worse than not being able to take an important call because your phone is still working its way through your digestive tract.) Sure, the "Urban Gaiter" wasn't for me, but certainly something else would be.

Well, apart from a few weird bags and the spoke reflector things pictured next to the "Urban Gaiter," they mostly just had a bunch of t-shirts. I'm not sure how a t-shirt can be considered "durable, versatile, and practical commuting gear," nor how it can help "get you there safely," but I do agree that they use "the highest quality and most durable materials," because some of their shirts are made out of bamboo:


Craig Calfee has been espousing the virtues of bamboo bicycle frames for years, so it's nice to see the material finally coming to cycling attire as well. This shirt may look like an ordinary t-shirt, but it's actually highly protective and incorporates the same technology used by ancient Japanese Samurai, who wore bamboo suits of armor. Also, it's got a picture of a guy riding a bike on it, which makes it cycling-specific. You can be confident that this t-shirt is all you need to protect you from either painful road rash or ninja attacks.

And Cyclelogical is not the only company drawing inspiration from the past. In London, a similarly-named company called Cyclodelic (which I learned about from Trackosaurusrex) is now making a cycling-specific cape:




If you've already got an "Urban Gaiter" and an urban sombrero, you're certainly going to want to complete your wardrobe by wearing a cape like Frank Costanza's lawyer. Just imagine how dramatic you'll look riding around town with a cape fluttering behind you. Apart from the flapping and whipping and lack of protection from cold wind and its potential to get caught on everything from car mirrors to your own bicycle, I really can't see a downside to cycling in the city while wearing a cape. Cyclodelic isn't stopping there, either. They've got a whole line of urban cycling fashions made specifically for the female rider, and you can see the clothes in action here:



In keeping with the magic theme (magicians love capes), Cyclodelic is also apparently making invisible pants. This is the only possible explanation for the fact that the models all have bare legs and pant cuff retainers:


Also, the model on the right must be riding a left-hand drive bike.

Even more exciting than invisible pants (if that's even possible) is the fact that Cyclodelic have also designed what may be the world's first female-specific fixed-gear freestyler, the "Lady Midas:"



If you're a male and you're feeling left out, you shouldn't. Just because this stuff is for women doesn't mean you can't rub it too. After all, urban male cyclists have been wearing women's pants for years, so there's really nothing odd about a guy throwing on a cape, a pair of invisible pants, and a visible pant cuff retainer, and hitting the streets--or even "killing it" on a Lady Midas:

Note that the step-through frame obviates the need for a top tube pad. Note also that the rider is wearing invisible pants without any pant cuff retention. I hope they don't get caught in his chain!

Perhaps most exciting of all, Cyclodelic will be launching their new line complete with an alleycat-esque "Cyclodelic Champagne Bicycle Treasure Hunt" in London:


I am seriously considering heading over there with my Scattante and "throwing down," since I think this is one of the few races in the world I could actually win. Spotting the "dressed up characters" alone should be a cinch, since the streets of London will be crawling with people in capes and invisible pants riding golden bicycles. I wonder if I can fit a bottle of Korbel champagne in my Gigunda cage? I also wonder if Cyclodelic clothing will be available in the New York City Topshop as well, since I've been riding capeless for far too long.

If nothing else, in theory this bumper crop of urban cycling attire should at least serve to make road racing attire seem slightly less absurd. However, in practice, you should never underestimate the roadie's ability to look ridiculous. A reader was kind enough to forward me these photos of the S.S. Capannuccia team, who, as he points out, bear more than a passing resemblance to 80s Christian "metal" band Stryper:





Besides the bumblebee-like color scheme, S.S. Capannuccia and Stryper also share in common the fact that they make you question the existence of God, since no merciful deity would ever allow a group of people to roam the Earth looking like that.

But not all roadies are taking their style cues from Christian rock bands. A reader in China has sent me this photo from a local race, which shows riders whose influences are decidedly more rebellious in nature:


The Rock Racing jersey, cigarette, and Euro-schmata are the Holy Trinity of roadie attitude. When juxtaposed with what may be one of the world's few remaining non-ironically rocked fanny packs, the effect is even more powerful.

I wonder where he keeps his cigarettes? Someone really should make a bag for that.

Accessorize to Live, Live to Accessorize: Stuff, and Where to Put It

Further to last Friday's post, I did indeed swing by New York City's newest fake bike shop, Jack & Jimbo's:



As you may know, Jack & Jimbo's is a "collabo" between man-purse marque Jack Spade and, well, some mechanic named Jimbo. Above is the sign which sits outside of the shop, proving once and for all that fixed-gear conversions are now considered as essential as flat repair and wheel-truing. I didn't take pictures of the interior because the store is very small and it would have been highly conspicuous (they were regarding me suspiciously, possibly because I was smirking), but the picture here should tell you everything you need to know.

Basically, inside you'll find the requisite NAHBS-esque townie bike nobody would ever own (in this case a titanium Independent Fabrications complete with crabon fiber fenders narrower than the actual tires) as well as a bunch of refurbished bikes via Landmark Vintage Bicycles, whom I had heretofore only heard of because they are constantly posting Craigslist ads like this one. You'll also find a few Rapha jerseys and t-shirts, a stack of skinwall tires which may or may not be only for show (it's hard to tell what's real and what's for show in there), and various Jack Spade bags. Besides me, there were two other non-employees in the store--a man who was agonizing over which Jack Spade bag to purchase, and his female companion, who was helping him make this potentially life-altering decision. Both of them were doing their very best to avoid any of the bikes or bike-related items.

To give you the context of the neighborhood in which Jack and Jimbo's is located, it's a great place to trip over small dogs on designer leashes, and the shop itself is right near the Marc Jacobs store. The window display at the Marc Jacobs store is currently a Porsche 944, behind which is a faux-punk banner which reads "Car For Sale Make Best Offer:"



If you're wondering what the design on the hood is, it's knuckle tattoos:




I find it interesting that Jack Spade and Marc Jacobs are now selling fixed-gear conversions and knuckle tattoos respectively. I also find it interesting that the new trend in high-end fashion retail appears to be interactive themed window displays that are actually also for sale. I suppose ITTET this makes sense. Why put just a bike or two in the window when you can dress the whole place up as a bike shop and maybe even fix a few flats and sell a few bikes in the process? Anyway, they don't seem to be hurting anybody, and the mechanic did have lots of tools and was actively repairing a bike--though it's always possible he was just pretending to fix a bike like some actor in Colonial Williamsburg pretending to be a blacksmith. In any case, I suppose in some way there was a need for a shop like this. After all, the male equivalents of the "Beautiful Godzillas" need bike shops boutiques too.

But Jack Spade isn't the only company advancing the cause of fashionable cycling. I recently received an email from someone in Paris, who related the following:

I got tired of facing the dilemma of looking like an idiot riding my bike (pants rolled up, pants in sock, etc,..) to avoid the grease stains on my pants, Or looking like an idiot the rest of the day (one wrinkled leg pants, dirty or ripped pants, etc, ) .

As such, he contacted a maker of high-end denim pants and came up with these:


While "Stroke's Extra Leg" may sound like a euphemism for "foffing off," it is in fact a protective calf-length pant leg you slip over your pant leg, and it may be one of the most pointless clothing accessories I've ever seen. First of all, I don't see how riding a bike with your pant leg rolled up makes you look like an idiot. Walking around town all day with your pants rolled up might look silly, but riding a bike with your pants rolled up just looks like you don't want to get your pants dirty. If this person had to roll up his pants to take a walk on the beach would he feel like an idiot then too, and instead slip on a second pant leg? Secondly, how does this help solve the problem of getting your pants caught in your drivetrain, which is the other reason to roll up or otherwise cinch your pant leg? Thirdly, how is slipping a filthy, greasy piece of denim on and off your leg going to keep you or your pants any cleaner or take any less time than simply rolling your pants up and down as needed? And where do you put your grimy "Extra Leg" once you've taken it off so it doesn't get all your other stuff dirty? Do you then need a carrying case or pouch? Where does it end?!?

Then again, he does have a compelling sales pitch:


He's right, I don't want to be that guy, but that's because he's wearing topsiders, and a denim leg condom is not really going to help that. But if you don't want to be that guy because you find it extremely difficult to roll your pants back down when you get to work (or you think a calf sheath is somehow less dorky than a pant cuff retainer or a chain guard), go ahead and buy an "Extra Leg" today.

Yes, some people just can't resist putting extra crap on themselves. If you're one of those people (or if you just need something in which to carry your soiled "Extra Leg"), you might enjoy one of these, which was forwarded to me by a reader:



Now that the fanny pack is making a return, the "Sex and the Citification" of cycling is nearly complete. The endless assortment of messenger bags, u-lock holders, utility belts, and fanny packs now on the market has finally allowed people to disguise their teenage girl-like obsession with handbags as practicality. And if you don't think people are using all of these things--at the same time, I might add--I am here to assure you that they are. I'm not sure why people need to carry so many items for local trips, but they look like urban survivalists, and between all the carabiners and nylon belts and satchels and clothing with hidden pockets all over it you'd think New York City was a mountain. I'm also not sure why whatever items these people need to carry must be kept separate from one-another. Perhaps this is part of the survivalist technique, and placing different items on different parts of your body is like diversifying your portfolio or like a squirrel burying acorns in different spots so they don't all get stolen at once. Hopefully soon we'll see people wearing "Extra Legs" with integrated pouches, and cycling specific thigh pouches, and utility belts, and messenger bags, and arm pouches all at the same time. And let's not forget the fanny pack's equally dorky cousin, the wrist wallet. Just finish the whole ensemble off with a pair of Kangaroos and there will be no limit to the places you'll be able to carry something.

Just make sure you don't put a rack on your bike. You wouldn't want to spoil those clean lines.