Palpitation: Who's Using What How?

(Geese in a row.)

Last week, I mentioned that the new protected (or sheltered, or whatever they are) bike lanes they're building now in New York City may be a curse instead of a blessing. Well, after almost Hasselbecking a woman with a stroller who stepped off the curb and into the bike lane without looking, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that they are the former. Fortunately, I was able to avert tragedy thanks to a potent combination of meh-riffic bike-handling skills, a natural aversion to injuring small children, and a set of superfluous, pro-establishment, completely un-Zen brakes.

But while I employ bike-handling mostly to avoid flattening pedestrians and to keep from getting lapped more than once in cyclocross races, other riders have raised bike-handling to an artform. A number of people have forwarded me this impressive video, in which Danny MacAskill avoids innumerable invisible pregnant women and strollers with mind-boggling agility:




Holy crap.

I wanted to read more about Danny MacAskill, so I went to his sponsor's website, where I learned that he wears Calvin Klein underwear:

I'm guessing what happened here is that one of his teammates gave him a wedgie, and being the accomplished trickster that he is he's trying to extract the underpants from his posterior by using the rotation of the rear wheel instead of simply reaching in there with his hands. I believe in the world of trials riding this is what's known as a "taint grinder."

At this point, you may find yourself asking the same question I did, which is: "If Danny MacAskill can do things like ride on top of wrought-iron fences and pull his Calvin Kleins out of his ass in mid-air using only his rear wheel, what are the fixed-gear freestylers up to?" In order to find out, I first visited the "tricktrack" forums. However, they seemed to be doing pretty much the same thing I was, which was being all agog over the Danny MacAskill video. Then I went to fixed-gear freestyle impresario Prolly's blog, but he was all wrapped up in restoring a headset. This complacency worried me. Personally, if I were a fixed-gear freestyler, I wouldn't be rooting around in my parts bin; I'd be on the nearest tennis court with my Scattante trying to figure out how to completely remove my underpants like Hansel did in the "walk-off" scene in "Zoolander."

Finally, I went to Trackosaurusrex (where both fixed-gears and the exclamation point reign supreme), where I found this:



Death Pedal X FRSH promo by Kareem Shehab from Killa Kareem on Vimeo.

The video included a Bad Brains song that didn't go with the video, an appropriated Dead Kennedys logo, and some clumsy examples of what can best be called "artistic schluffing," but that was about it. It was also paired with another video, which was similarly anticlimactic:



ABCity Spring Edit from hfwido on Vimeo.

While I'll be the first to admit that the fixed-gear freestyle scene consists of some good bike-handlers who have taken the arts of downloading music and hopping curbs to new heights, I can't help feeling that in some ways it's still the cycling equivalent of this:

I'd like to thank the reader who forwarded me that video, but that's sort of like thanking someone who's just given you a wedgie.

At any rate, while I'm still not impressed by fixed-gear freestyling, I'll stop short of saying they should try bikes with smaller wheels that coast. If people want to do tricks on fixed-gears with 700c wheels, they should do tricks on fixed-gears with 700c wheels. If people want to do tricks on Dutch city bikes, they should do tricks on Dutch city bikes. (I'm working on a move where I remove a bra while doing a tail whip on a Dutch city bike.) You're perfectly free to use whatever equipment you want, provided that you are willing to accept the compromises. I may think that fixed-gear freestyling is like eating a pizza bagel, and that if you want pizza you might as well just eat an actual slice, but hey--some people like pizza bagels. Anyway, the same thing can be said of bike locks, and can also be applied to this photo, forwarded to me by a reader:


As you can see, the rider has a relatively robust u-lock, but instead of using it to secure the bike, he's instead simply using it to join what is either a really flimsy steel cable or a couple feet of clothesline. Basically, this is like wearing your socks over your shoes.

In the meantime, here in New York City we have more pressing concerns than which bikes people are using for tricks. Not only are our new bike lanes actually more dangerous, but we've got a bike parking crunch too. It's so bad that color coordination has fallen by the wayside, and pink bikes and red bikes are now forced to share poles:

That's a truly nauseating "colorway," though I bet I could do some rad tricks on that pink bike. Once I remove the rear rack and fender I can even palp "taint grinders."

Of course, to address the parking crunch, the city is installing those giant fan boats. Really, though, they should probably think about getting rid of some of the dead bikes first. As much as I love the Dura Ace chopper, it's been in the same spot for years:

As you can see here, it's decayed quite a bit since I last photographed it in January 2008. I admit it does serve as a testament to the effectiveness of a good bike-locking job, but I think even the most optimistic person has to admit that its rider is never going to return. I don't know who the owner of the Dura Ace chopper is, though I have a feeling that he moved to California sometime in the late 90s, grew a magnificent beard, and now rides a recumbent.

The problem of dead bikes extends to actual bike racks too. Here's a perfect example of a rack that should be pruned:

At first glance you might think that there are three bikes here, but if you look closer you'll see a pile of rust on the sidewalk which could easily be the decayed remains of a fourth. A forensic examination would probably reveal that it's a Magna from the mid-1980s:


I'd think it would be easier and less expensive to clean up some of these old bike racks than it would be to install new ones, but then again I also think it would be easier to do tricks on bikes that coast. And that's clearly old-fashioned thinking.

Contests and Con-Tests: Men Behind Curtains

I awoke this morning from dreams of dancing Modolo Morphos shifters and fauns playing delightful tunes in the Swiss alps on flutes made from BMC carbon nanotubes only to make a horrible discovery. It appears that the website Fyxomatosis has placed some kind of fatwa on me. (Or, since it is a fixed-gear website, I guess it's more like a fixtwa.)

Alas, I should have known it would come to this. I must say I was disappointed that all they're offering is a chainring and a t-shirt, though. Not that I think I'm worth more than a chainring or a t-shirt, but it would be nice if the chainring was at least ramped and pinned. At the same time, though, I'll also admit to being a bit flattered. I haven't had a Bounty on my head since middle school, when I committed the faux-pas of arriving at Brett Lipschultz's Bar Mitzvah sans yarmulke and had to improvise with a piece of paper towel.

Anyway, I suppose this means I should "defend" myself somehow. And as any road racer knows, you should always answer an attack with a counter-attack. Granted, I usually just sit at the back and yell "Close that gap!," but not this time. If you've ever visited Fyxomatosis, you know that it features highly stylized, sometimes tongue-in-cheek, and often quasi-sexual photographs of bikes, as evidenced by this Colnago crotch shot:

Well, I'm prepared to offer a pie plate to the reader who submits the best Fyxomatosis parody photograph. It should be an actual photograph (not a photoshop) and it should be in the Fyxomatosis style, which is basically high-class bike porn. Special consideration will be given to submissions that include human models. Here's the pie plate, so you know I'm not lying:

As you can see, I'm too disgusted by the pie plate to even touch it, so I'm handling it with my Rapha silk cravat. (My Rapha silk cravat has come in very handy for handling things I don't want to touch.) By the way, here's the chainring Fyxomatosis is offering:


Chainring or pie plate? You decide. (By the way, if you win, I'll even include a smock with the pie plate if you want one.)

Speaking of bike porn, a reader has sent me this disturbing video, which includes perhaps the most boring example of fixed-gear freestyling I've ever seen:

The reader surmised that the rider was attempting to copulate with his bike, but to me it simply evokes a baby chimp clinging lovingly to its mother. This video was apparently taken at the Milan premiere of something called the "Council of Doom," which turns out to be another one of these fixed-gear movies, like MASH and Macaframa. (At first I confused them with the "Minyan of Disorder," which was the name of the Jewish hair metal band that played at Brett Lipschultz's Bar Mitzvah.) Intrigued, I checked out the trailer for the film, which contains lots of dandily-dressed fellows doing those elephant trunk skids in picturesque settings. Like this one:

And this one:


And this one:



But it's not all teabags on riser bars when the Council gets together. These guys also ride hard, as you can tell by this guy, who has ridden hard enough to incur a hurtie owie boo-boo on his footsie-tootsy:

I only hope the guy in the pink shirt who looks like Zach Galifianakis gave it a big kiss.

I've long struggled to figure out what drives this compulsion to film the act of bike-riding and make it look more dangerous than it really is, and I think I've finally figured it out: it's music. Specifically, it's the advent of portable music players. See, it used to be inconvenient to listen to music on a bicycle. First, you had to carry a bulky portable cassette player. Then came portable CD players, but those were even bigger, and they skipped like crazy. But now that you've got devices like the Zune (and its Apple knockoff, the "iPod"), riding around with a soundtrack is easier than ever.

But this is dangerous--and not for the reasons you'd think. Sure, listening to loud music is risky because you can't hear traffic, but if you keep the volume low enough it is possible to both hear the music and the outside world. No, listening to music while riding in traffic is dangerous because it can make you delusional. When people add a soundtrack to their rides they can get a little too carried away with the fantasy and start riding outside their ability. First you're just riding along on your Pista, then some adrenaline-spiked song comes on your iPod, and next thing you know you're jumping in with a pack of strong roadies or something. But of course you can't hang, and soon you're slipping off the back of the pack like a koala trying to mount the greased hindquarters of a rhinoceros. And that's to say nothing of trying to beat that bus through the intersection.

The makers of these videos rely on the same effect--you'll notice these videos are always accompanied by aggressive music. This makes the riding seem outsized. However, the riding is generally a lot tamer than the music, and once you're aware of the smoke-and-mirrors effect a soundtrack can have often the effect is dispelled and you realize the only thing outsized are the egos. To that end, I've developed a litmus test that you can apply to any video in order to determine whether you're watching cutting-edge riding or just some guys parading the latest streetwear:

The BSNYC/RTMS Fixed-Gear Video Test

Step 1: Open the video to be tested in a new browser window. (In this case the "Council of Doom" trailer.)

Step 2: Pause the video and turn the volume on the video player all the way down.

Step 3: Open a second browser window and go here. Turn the volume on the player all the way up, play the video, and minimize the window.

Step 4: Return to the first window containing your test video, click play, and watch it with the new soundtrack.

I performed this test on the "Council of Doom" trailer myself, and was surprised to find not only that the riding looked a lot tamer but also that the new music actually fit better than the original soundtrack. It also worked great with the Macaframa stuff. However, I must confess that the Empire Begins trailer did pass my Fixed-Gear Video Test in that the new soundtrack didn't work as well as the original, though I suspected this was not due to the riding and was instead because of the New York City backdrop and its lack of palm trees and cleanliness. So I subjected it to further testing, substituting the music in Step 3 with this. Sure enough, the new soundtrack fit like a Knog love/hate glove. Just to be doubly certain, I also tried it with this, which also worked uncannily well.

Indeed, I have seen the man behind the curtain, and that man is Nell Carter.

Curlicues: The End of Straight-Ahead Cycling?

Firstly, you may recall I recently mentioned 3T's carbon fiber Funda road fork, mostly because I couldn't figure out what the name meant and it provided me with an opportunity to make a juvenile pun. Well, I was pleasantly surprised to receive a friendly email from 3T Chairman and CEO Rene Wiertz, who not only touted the reasonable price, racing pedigree, and ride quality of his product like a proud parent, but also informed me that "Funda" actually means "slingshot," as in David and Goliath. I was especially grateful for that bit of information, since in that context it's quite a sensible name for a fork, and I only wish more CEOs would email me and clue me in on their nomenclature. Maybe next Ernesto Colnago can tell me why the CX-1 is a road bike and not a cyclocross bike.

Secondly, after yesterday's post, I was also pleased to hear from none other than fixed-gear freestyle impresario Prolly, who made a couple of noteworthy points. One of these is that he feels a fixed-gear drivetrain is a "driver for tricks" that he says would not be possible on a BMX. Another is that he likes the fact that he can use a single bike for tricks, commuting, alleycat racing, and riding to the store to purchase new flat-brim caps (I made that last one up), whereas a small-wheeled trick bike is pretty much only suited to being a trick bike.

Though I'm generally a proponent of the "right tool for the right job" philosophy, I must admit his second point about simplification is a good one. Why have a whole bunch of bikes with highly specific uses when you can have all different types of fun on just one? In fact, I was so inspired I decided to attempt some tricks on one of my own non-trick bikes yesterday. I thought about using my fixed-gear, but I ride a Tokyo edition Langster and I was afraid to scratch it. So I surveyed my vast stable and narrowed it down to my two Trek Madones, ultimately choosing my Madone 6.9 over my Madone 6.9 Pro because the regular 6.9 has the "performance fit," and I figured the taller headtube would be better for stunting. Confident I'd made a wise choice, I suited up in my vintage Linda McCartney kit and headed to Prospect Park for some "sessioning."

I decided to warm up by doing something easy. Of course, when it comes to tricks my play book is pretty old, so I locked up my front SRAM Red brake (awesome stopping power and modulation, by the way), popped a little endo, then rocked onto the back wheel where I planned to stand on my rear pegs and just kind of hop around giddily for awhile. Unfortunately, I forgot that while my Madone 6.9 is equipped with an OCLV carbon frame, a SRAM Red 10-speed component group, and a pair of Bontrager XXX Lite carbon fiber wheels, it is not equipped with rear pegs. Instead, my right foot found my SRAM Red rear derailleur, and my left foot found my quick release lever, and neither was able to support my weight. Consequently, I simultaneously opened my quick release and sent my rear derailleur right into my paired spokes. For the first time in my life, I wished I had had a pie plate. However, in retrospect it may be a good thing I didn't since the derailleur was the only thing that kept the rear wheel from ejecting completely. At any rate, it was pretty sick, and even though I didn't land the trick I plan to post a video as soon as I pick the right Obituary song and figure out how to use Vimeo.

I can only speculate as to whether I'd have been more successful on a fixed-gear, or if my trick would have been any more impressive. But in response to my remark yesterday that I have yet to see a fixed-gear trick that truly impressed me, a reader forwarded me the following video which he feels is impressive regardless of what kind of bike it's performed on:

He also points out that this video dates all the way back to 2006, and that the rider is conservatively attired and not surrounded by a bunch of hip spectators, which he feels makes the trick all the more endearing in that it's somewhat outside the context of the current fixed-gear freestyle trend. I see his point, and I'm sure by now with skills like this the rider has left the urban fixed-gear world behind and has since joined the heady world of "artistic cycling." My guess is he's moved to Europe where he's being mentored by some heavyset, chainsmoking, eastern European coach and that he's become a member of the fabled "sequined peloton." Either that, or he's touring the world with a one-man stage show, like this guy:

In a sense Serge Huercio is the ultimate expression of the "fixster" in that his clothes and his tricks are an ultra-refined version of "fixter" culture.  Kind of like what "Hair" was to dirty hippies, or what "Rent" was to grunge or Gen-Xers or proto-hipsters or whatever the hell they were.  When a fixed-gear freestyle musical finally comes to Broadway, I think we know who will star.  In the spirit of one-word titles, I hope it's called "Pants."

Of course, fans of small-wheeled stunting bicycles may take offense to Prolly's assertion that they are not useful as transportation.  Another reader informs me that someone is currently riding backwards across the United States in order to raise awareness of homelessness, HIV/AIDS, and medical marijuana.  And as you can see, he appears to be doing it on a BMX:

Between fixed-gear freestyling and this, it just goes to show that simply riding straight ahead in a forward fashion is totally over.  Moreover, it also proves that when you have a just cause, a BMX bike, and some potent medical marijuana you can accomplish anything.  

Happy Wednesday.