Bicycle Pathos: Things That Make Me Sad

Among the many crosses I bear is the unavoidable impulse to invest bicycles with human or animal characteristics. This is most apparent when I'm browsing the various internet bicycle galleries. For some people, these pictures are simply bike porn. For me, it's like going to an animal shelter and being stared at by abandoned puppies, or like going to the zoo and seeing a polar bear forced to live in a habitat the size of a suburban backyard. The following bikes are just a few that, while all different, managed to pluck the twisted spokes of my heart:

These two poor babies are tethered together in the "front brakes are lame" cluster on Velospace. The clusterer goes on to explain that this cluster is for "people who appreciate the true ascetic of a fixed gear." Does he mean that riding a fixed gear is an act of asceticism, and that using a brake is somehow a worldly indulgence? (Though apparently wedging a rubber frog between your seatstays is not.) Or does he mean to use the word "aesthetic," meaning that a brake spoils the pure appearance of the bicycle? (Though apparently wrapping your top tube in a star-spangled crotch protector does not.) In either case, these two bikes look like wide-eyed war orphans who have been abducted and forced to join the circus. It is my heartfelt desire that they should be liberated, stripped of their frogs and top tubes and spoke cards and thrift-store baubles, and allowed to ride free as the bicycles they were born to be.

Before a poignantly non-working fireplace sits this near-naked non-working 3Rensho. Its Dickensian owner points out that it has "been awhile but thanks to my generous family and friends its getting there." What poor bicycle must be forced to subsist on handouts and crumbs proffered by others? Why bring a bicycle into the world if you cannot afford to provide for it? Put perhaps worst of all, why photograph this poor thing in its indignity and post a picture of it online? Please, do the human thing here: skip the NJS, finish building the thing, and ride it!

Awhile back I included the so-called "gorilla bike" in a post. In all honesty, when I first saw this I balked. But after the owner himself commented on this site I grew strangely fond of this peculiar beast and the oddly-built owner willing to torture his own groin just to give it a home and make it feel loved. However, I recently noticed that the Velospace entry has been updated. Sadly, the gorilla bike is now for sale! This makes me sad. To what wretched fate will the owner consign gorilla bike? Like Kong himself, will this become a freak show attraction to be gawked at, never to know love again? Shame on you, owner of gorilla bike!

You know what's sad? Taking a Shitamori behind a Japanese screen and then posting a photo of it.

But you know what's even sadder? Stealing Gumby's bike.

Fixedgeargallery...Keirin Katastrophe

Ah, yes. There's nothing like the attention to detail a proud owner of a new Keirin frame pays to his or her build. Each part is painstakingly hand-picked, and proudly bears that all-important NJS stamp.

This bike is a perfect example. The owner has gone with "as much NJS as possible," making only a few concessions, such as the de rigeur Brooks saddle and the untaped flop-and-chop bars. (Apparently this particular owner insists on posterior comfort but isn't particularly concerned about being able to grip the bars. I mean, to me bars without grips or tape is like having a bathroom with no toilet paper in it. But what do I know? I'm not a Keirin racer like this guy.)

The attention to detail continues with the yellow highlights meant to bring out the frame decals. There is even the whimsical touch of the Livestrong bracelets around the hubs. Isn't that cute?!? Perhaps the owner has some yellow streamers on order too.

Given all this attention to detail, you certainly wouldn't want to spoil the effect by putting on an unsightly brake. (The track-specific fork certainly wouldn't accommodate one anyway, right?) But that's OK. I mean, you can stop as quickly as you need to with your legs. And chains never break, nor do hub threads ever strip.

But you know what does happen? Sometimes you get so carried away hand-picking NJS vanity components that you forget to install all the chainring bolts!

Should be fun in a panic stop. That's when "NJS" stands for "Nice job. Sayonara."

Another well thought-out build. Keep looking--you'll find a fifth NJS chainring bolt somewhere.

Fixedgeargallery: NJS Nightmare

With the fixed gear explosion has come a proliferation of "vanity bikes" I find maddening. The weekend warrior on his USPS Lance Armstrong replica sporting a helmet mirror and posing at the coffee shop was one thing; the all-NJS keirin bike spending its life being ridden around Brooklyn (or SF or Vancouver or Portland or wherever) at 13mph is quite another.

This entry on Fixedgeargallery is exactly what I mean:

The owner brags that it's "all NJS except Velocitys, Campy BB spindle Phils and saddle." Well, good thing, because I'm sure this guy will be throwing down at the velodrome. That Brooks saddle (at a jaunty 45 degree angle, I might add) screams pure speed.

Perhaps the seat angle is to compliment the angle of the stem--the steep drop certainly does suggest aggressive riding. However, this is completely countered by the fact that he's running grips on the bar tops (uh, pretty sure riding the bar tops is not allowed in a keirin) and has the hooks completely bare. Of course, it's not necessary to tape the drops when you don't ride fast enough to use them, and in a vain attempt to gain style points you've set them too low to even reach them.

The whole ride is tied together by the now-ubiquitous powdercoated Deep-Vs. Yes, quite an original statement. We're all so impressed that you have a powdercoated braking surface which screams to the world that you don't use a brake. I suppose you wouldn't want to complicate the simplicity, light weight, and aesthetic virtue of a track bike with a brake. (Yet you would want to put on a three pound saddle comprised of a Rube Goldberg-esque series of rails, taut leather, and springs.) Then again, I'll cut the guy some slack, since something tells me this bike rarely travels fast enough to require a brake anyway.