Put Up Or Be Quiet: Would You Still Ride?

On a recent commute, I was waiting at a red light (I do occasionally stop for them) and was joined by three other commuters. As the light changed we passed somebody who, upon seeing four bikes together (my word!), asked loudly in an irritated tone: “What is there, a marathon today?”

Such moments hurt my brain so badly that it’s almost enough to make me stop riding. (Well, not really.)

But I do think that each and every one of us has our own personal breaking point at which we’d give up cycling. I’m not talking about injuries or anything like that. I’m talking about having to put up with something so inconvenient, awkward, or embarrassing that it would be enough to drive you to something else. And I think this breaking point is different for each of us.

While we all like to think we're above caring about how we look or what we ride, we're also conveniently never required to put ourselves to the test. Following are some scenarios to contemplate. Read each one, suspend your disbelief, and ask yourself, “Would I still ride?” Be honest with yourself—nobody else has to know. Some of these scenarios aren’t so bad (in fact, many may already be riding this way), and some are, objectively speaking, awful. So read on and discover your limit.

Would you still ride if:

You can only ride on pavement.

You can only ride offroad.

You can only ride in USA Cycling-sanctioned races. That’s it: no commuting, no training (indoor or outdoor), no recreational rides of any kind.

You can only ride in charity rides. (Shortest route only where distance is optional.)

You cannot change any item on your bicycle (including inner tubes, though they may be patched) for two years.

You only have three choices of jersey (all XXL): a maillot jaune, a Mapei jersey, or this jersey from Primal Wear:

You can only ride tubulars. (Yes, even on your mountain bike. 650s and Dugasts allowed.)

You can only ride a full downhill rig with 25mm slicks (regardless of terrain).

You can only ride one of those trials bikes with no seat.

You can only ride a beach cruiser with speedplays and full CSC team kit.

You can never wear a helmet.

You must always wear a helmet, but it has to be a replica of the one Greg LeMond wore in the Champs-Elysees time trial in the ’89 Tour de France, and it has to be the wrong size.

You can only ride in flip-flops on flat pedals with no foot retention system of any kind.

You can only ride a fixed-gear bicycle with no brake and a 14x50 gear.

You can only ride the above with flat pedals, pennyloafers, and no foot retention system of any kind.

You can only ride a keirin bike that has been modified to run disc brakes and a singlespeed freewheel. Otherwise the bike must be entirely NJS.

You can only ride against traffic (including criteriums, road- or off-road races, or in velodromes)

You can only ride one of Sheldon Brown’s wacky bikes

You can only ride a tandem.

You can only pilot a tandem with Sheldon Brown as your stoker.

You can only pilot a tandem with Sheldon Brown as your stoker and reading aloud from seminal works of science fiction through a megaphone.

You must ride a different bike each day. That bicycle will be the first bike that randomly comes up when you log on to velospace each morning. (Right now it happens to be, unbelievably, a dual-suspension Schwinn Homegrown)

The same as above, but instead you must ride the first complete bike that comes up on eBay when you search for “road bike” and select “ending soonest.” (Right now it happens to be a 58cm carbon Felt road bike with Dura Ace. But tomorrow’s another day.)

You can only ride a Rivendell with a 3’x5’ billboard affixed to it that bears a photo of Grant Peterson and the words, “Your handlebars should be higher than your saddle!”

You can ride any bicycle you want, provided it is equipped with a dynamo hub powering a phonograph that plays old Edith Piaf records. (This should be particularly amusing in a cyclocross race.)

And the ultimate test for those of you still standing: you must ride a recumbent.

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads #5 and #6

While preparing to embark upon my weekend I checked in with Craigslist one last time and immediately came across two fine examples of just how abysmal the NYC board can be. I leave you with these so that at least those of you who live elsewhere can spend the weekend savoring your good fortune:

RALEIGH 48CM SINGLE SPEED FIXED/TRACK BIKE! - $500 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/363224026.html]

(You read right: $500, and presumably in US funds.)

Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-06-29, 5:03PM EDT This is a orange RALEIGH RECORD 48cm SINGLE SPEED ROAD BIKE. It's a great courier/messenger bike. I just need to downsize my bikes a bit. And this one's gotta go. It's my baby and I'll miss it.

If this is your baby, I pray I never see the rest of your stable. Unless you literally mean "baby" because of the diminutive size. But I'm sure you'll sell it. Lots of people are looking for 48cm Raleigh Records, the bike Sheldon Brown (!) calls "the bottom of Raleigh's drop-bar line." (And I hope I'm misquoting so he comes by and corrects me.)

This is a "used" lugged road bike, all the gears have been removed, back wheel has been dished over to accommodate a single wheel cog. Bike has new chain, bar tape, and cog. Here's the info:

Why is "used" in quotes? Is it quasi-used but not really? And I'm sorry I scoffed at the price. I didn't realize it had so much new stuff on it. Is the bar tape gold leaf?

FRAME AND FORK: RALEIGH RECORD, LUGGED, MADE IN ENGLAND. FRAME HAS SMALL CHIPS AND SCRATCHES, BUT NO FRAME DAMAGE, NO CRACKS. Measurements: FRAME SIZE: 48cm. TOP TUBE C-C: 53cm. STAYS: 44cm. REAR SPACING: 122mm. STANDOVER HEIGHT: 30 1/4"

Finally! I've been looking all over for a bike with 122mm spacing so I can use my slightly out-of-spec 120mm hub.

GEAR RATIO: 40T (CHAINWHEEL) X 16T (COG) X 165mm. (CRANK ARMS) CRANKS: NERVAR 165mm.

Sweet looking cranks. Welcome back, cottered.

HANDLEBARS & STEM: ALUMINUM

Those bars make your bike look like Ronnie James Dio throwing the metal horns.

FRONT BRAKE: DIA-COMPE
WHEELS: ARAYA 27" X 1 1/4" ALUMINUM
HUBS: SUZUE

I'll be showing the bike next week. Just wanted to line up people to take a look at it. Please email me. I will be reposting this next week.

"Wait. Is that the line for the new iPhone?" "No, some guy's selling a 48cm Raleigh fixie conversion for $500." "Oh, really? I was just on the way to the shop to buy a brand-new Bianchi Pista, but that sounds like a much better deal. I think I'll queue up!"

$500 cash or best offer. Must pick up. Thanks for looking, James

See you soon, James. I'll be the one camping out in the pup tent.

bike messenger gear for sale - $325 (Greenwich Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/363109168.html]

OK, not much to say about this one. This is another one of those ads that is clearly a guy hoping that some chick is going to read this and fall for his cutesy delivery. The reality, though, is that people are looking for bikes, reading this, and getting really angry. I present it to you uninterrupted so you can share in the fury. If you're a working messenger prepare to put your fist through a wall:

Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-06-29, 2:33PM EDT
Here's the deal, guys. I recently moved to New York City and worked as a bike messenger for a few weeks until my other job kicked into full force. So now I'm selling this stuff because it takes up too much space in my apartment and I really just don't need it. The bicycle is quality. A Specialized Hard Rock Comp edition - 17" frame, Shimano Alivio components. It's yellow. It's fast and quiet, and I've kept it finely oiled ever since I got it last year from a friend who bought it to commute while his license was temporarily suspended. Never a crash; all the components are in perfect condition. About the bag: Bailey Works Inc. - extra large, fully waterproof. I bought it only two weeks ago. It's one of the best high-end bags available today. It's sleek. It's black. So fashionable and so so durable! Bond, James Bond has already made an offer on this bag but I figured I'd hold out a little longer to see if you guys wanted it because Bond, James Bond already has so much cool stuff anyway. It has tastefully minimal and yet effective reflective strips on it. It's extremely spacious, and there are all sorts of extra compartments in it to keep your things organized. It even has velcro! I've held gigantic parcels in this bag and felt zero discomfort across the shoulder strap because the shoulder strap is so well padded. Here's also some stuff I'll throw in for free, if you buy the above mentioned gear:

One (1) matte gray-blue Giro bike helmet, only worn by my frequently shampooed head for two weeks.
Two (2) mountain bike inner tubes, in case you pop two (2) flat tires.
One (1) Roland Juno keyboard... fully functional as a midi controller; semi-functional as a stand-alone keyboard... just figured I'd throw that in there, you know?

Really, guys, I'm just trying to make good on my initial investment and pay my rent on time, so prices are negotiable.

Ask for William: [deleted]

Take it to the personals, Bill. Or to "erotic services." Have you seen "Midnight Cowboy?" It's tough to make it in this town and Sunday is the 1st of the month. But judging from the photo of you with the keyboard I think you've already reconciled yourself with what you'll need to do.

Veloquence

As cyclists, there are many things we do or say that mark us as part of the bike culture. Obsession with body weight, leg shaving, and occasional hormone consumption are all things in which cyclists (and the transgendered) engage.

And like any hobby, sport, profession, subculture, lifestyle or obsession, cycling has its own set of words unique to itself. Knowing and understanding these words gives many of us that comfortable feeling of belonging to a larger whole.

Granted, I have a delicate ear, but some of these words have just never sat well with me. Here are a few bits of cycling jargon I could stand never to hear again.

Brifter

I’m a huge Sheldon Brown fan, but I hate this word. I don’t know if he coined it or simply propagated it, but in either case it makes me wince. It makes me think of SPD sandals, really long quill stems, and hairy legs. (Did I mention I’m a huge Sheldon Brown fan?) And at the same time it is dangerously close to another conjoined word I hate: “brunch.” I’d rather say STI, or Ergo, or even "integrated brake/shift lever." And it’s not like we even have to anymore. It’s 2007—I think we all know what a “lever” refers to on a bike. But I shouldn’t complain. “Brifter” is better than “shrake lever.”

Peloton

This word is used way too freely, especially by people who have just learned it. When you’re watching the Tour de France, or Liege-Bastogne-Liege, say “peloton.” When you’re talking about the local training series, just say “pack,” or “field,” or “group.” I've never heard of anybody being called “peloton fill.”

Failure Mode

This one is bandied about on rec.bicycles.tech quite often. I know there are a lot of cyclist engineers out there, but this is a dire, overblown expression that is far too severe for most bicycle parts. Generally someone will post something like, “What’s the failure mode for a latex inner tube?” Come on, tone it down a little. To me, “failure mode” evokes going down in flames. Say “failure mode” when you’re talking about the tiles on the Space Shuttle. When you’re talking about a bike part, just ask, “How does it usually break?”

Front/Rear Mech (UK only)

I am thankful I do not live in the UK, because I don’t think I could stand to hear these words used regularly. I love Britain and her people, but their cutesy little words sometimes irritate me for reasons I don’t quite understand. Call me a francophile, call me a squanderer of syllables, or call me a pedant, but what the hell is wrong with the word “derailleur?” (And forget about seatpin. A pin goes in a cushion—or if you say “seatpin” around me, in you.)

[blank]set*
(as in “wheelset,” “frameset,” “crankset,” etc.)

This is a tricky one because it’s so deeply engrained in cycling parlance—adding “set” to the end of everything. Even I use “[blank]set” regularly, despite the fact that as I’m saying or typing it I immediately regret it. I understand why it exists: for example, a “frameset” ideally distinguishes a frame and fork from just the frame. But now the expression is so common people really don’t even observe the distinction anymore. Hence it loses its meaning. And why do we need to say “wheelset” anyway? They’re just wheels! What would a “wheelset” include that wheels would not? Bags? Tires? OK, maybe skewers. But why don’t we just go all the way, and start saying “saddleset” (includes rails), “seatpostset” (includes clamp), “pedalset” (includes cleats), “tireset” (front and rear, maybe with tubes), and “bar tapeset” (cork and adhesive—now there’s a concept).

*(The one 100% acceptable and appropriate usage is, of course, headset!)

Bidon

If you’re an anglophone, it’s a bottle.