Also, the submission deadline for the Half-Assed Biomega Folding Bike Giveaway Contest came and went this morning at 12:01AM, so if you're one of the people who continue to send me submissions I implore you to STOP IMMEDIATELY. At this point my plan is to announce a winner on Monday, and that winner will probably be chosen arbitrarily by me and with no input from you, the readers. All I know right now is, whatever happens, by next week someone's going to win a bike with a cable for a downtube, and the world will be a better place for it.
Moreover, the Biomega Whatever Contest will dovetail into a cockpit contest, which will be the second one ever and the first one since 2010, a year which saw the running of the history-making First Annual BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award. I'll announce this second "Cock-Off" officially next week, but you can consider this bit of advance notice to be what they call in the restaurant industry a "soft opening." Basically, people will submit pictures of wacky cockpits and the best ones will win lighting solutions from Australian bikey stuff purveyor Knog. And the world will be a better place for it.
Moving on, a reader sent me the following photo of the front page of something called The Washington Examiner:
(I guess they're trying to get bought out by News Corp.)
The juxtaposition of the provocative headline with the riot photo implies that Washington, DC is on the verge of chaos and bloodshed, though the actual article is more or less even-handed (for a tabloid) and also dull enough to be sleep-inducing.
Meanwhile, the New York Times seems to have dropped their long-overdue murderous driver coverage in favor of stories about aging motorcyclists who ride trikes:
Unsurprisingly, indulging baby boomers and their insatiable desire for luxurious rebellion has proven to be a profitable enterprise:
Industry experts say the sale of tens of thousands of trikes, whose sticker prices can rival an upscale sedan’s — a new three-wheeled Harley starts at $30,999 — has helped buoy a slumping industry and kept a generation of born-to-run riders on the roads.
“The baby boomers are getting older, man,” said Steve Stirewalt, a lifelong rider and motorcycle dealer known as Fat Daddy by his friends. “People riding all their lives don’t want to stop just because of bad knees, or bad eyes, or diabetes or something. They want to keep rocking.”
I wonder if "Fat Daddy" also sprang for the integrated glucose meter, man.
In any case, I'm not sure why riding around on a trike is any different than driving a convertible (apart from the fact that you can't put up the roof when it rains) but I guess the latter doesn't allow people to join clubs and give themselves nicknames. It also prevents them from "stiffening up:"
Alex Ross, a k a Iceman, chief executive of the nonprofit trike group Brothers of the Third Wheel, said three-wheelers offered all sorts of advantages, including the comfort and padding to allow drivers to go longer distances without stiffening up.
“My wife goes to sleep as soon as we start traveling,” he said.
Yet ironically they do have to take a blue pill in order to "stiffen up" again once they get to the motel. By the way, I have a feeling that travel isn't the only thing that puts Iceman's wife to sleep these days, and after decades of marriage she probably nods off as soon as he starts pretty much anything, including sex, conversation, and their nightly viewing of the movie "Wild Hogs." Still, I don't begrudge these good people their enjoyment, and there's certainly nothing more American than retirees with names like Fat Daddy and Iceman farting around the country on $30,000 motorized tricycles.
In fact, reading that article made me realize that if people are willing to buy three-wheeled motorcycles that they'd probably also buy two-wheeled unicycles, but then a reader informed me I've been beaten to it:
Though that's not nearly as bad as this, which was forwarded to me by another reader:
If he were a true unicyclist he'd be pushing a stroller with only one wheel.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's fantastic, and if you're wrong you'll see what America is all about.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and wave to unicycles and trikes.
--Wildcat Rock Machine (President of the Coral Gables chapter of the Hell's Tricyclists)
(Alberto Contador, the David Copperfield of unsettling finger gestures.)
1) Alberto Contador has now won seven Grand Tours:
--In his mind
--In a span of three years
--Without winning a single stage
--All while wearing the same unwashed pair of lucky bib shorts
--True
--False
(Spine-tingling.)
3) DNA evidence reveals that Neanderthals had "horny papillae," or penis spines.
--True
--False
(Fucking fascist.)
4) In Portland, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a symbol of:
--Childhood
--Thrifty deliciousness
--Wholesome nourishment
--"White privilege"
(Noseless saddle on a folding bike: the ultimate in both theft-deterrence and date-deterrence.)
5) According to the "Lifehacker" website, to prevent your saddle from getting stolen you should:
--Install a theft-proof binder bolt
--Secure the saddle rails to the bicycle frame with a piece of drive chain
--Take the saddle along with you when you park the bike
--Put a piece of tape on it
6) The blind man hit by a cyclist in Central Park is:
--Pushing for mandatory bicycle licensing, registration, and insurance
--Calling for a statewide ban on fixed-gear bicycles
--Suing New York City for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act by not ticketing enough cyclists
--Facing criminal charges for not wearing a helment while walking
(Plaid. Shorts. That's a good spondee.)
7) Gentrification and pretense collided yesterday afternoon when musician and cycling advocate David Byrne hit novelist Martin Amis while riding his bicycle to a reading at an independent bookstore in Brooklyn.
--True
--False
***Special Child Bicycle Safety-Themed Bonus Question***
According to retailer REI, children should wear a "helment" while riding in a bicycle seat. Where can you purchase one of these "helments?"
--Nashbar
--Performance
--Toys "R" US
--REI, of course
