Premium Lounge: Can't Try, Don't Want To

The 47% strikes again!  Yes, a reader informs me that some non-taxpaying layabout (probably an illegal from Canada) has stolen a small portion of a crappy bicycle owned by a hard-working semi-wealthy American:

***To the asshole who stole my rear tire (Fuji Odessa MTB Bike)*** - $80 (Penn Quarter Navy Memorial)
Date: 2012-09-20, 9:12AM EDT

This is just a message to the person who decided to take off the back tire from my Fuji Mountain bike parked between the Navy Memorial. It is so pathetic that you had to steal something I paid for so that you could make 20 bucks in order to buy drugs and a few items off the dollar menu. Luckily I make a comfortable 6 figure salary and can easily afford a new one. What makes me laugh is that you are probably receiving benefits from the government which is helping keep shit like you alive. While you were removing my tire over the weekend I was relaxing on the beach in East Hampton, enjoying fresh caught oysters and clams. See we rich people get to enjoy these pleasures in life because we worked hard in college to get good high paying jobs. I have owned that bike for about 10 years and it had sentimental value to me. I purchased it off craigslist from a nice family in Vienna during grad school when I did not have a lot of money. I took it to the Shenandoah mountains and I used it to get groceries. Rather than replacing the parts that you stole I would rather get rid of it as it would be a constant reminder of how bad people in the world exist. Luckily I will be moving to Boulder Colorado where these types of things don't happen. Anyways have a great day mother fucker. I hope you die a tragic tragic death.

To others who are reading this. The bike is in great condition otherwise. Shifters work well, brakes work well. It is a light bike and the frame is in great condition. I would have otherwise kept this bike for the rest of my life. If you would like to purchase it still just remember that you will have to replace the back wheel/cogs.

This is a grave injustice indeed, and the victim deserves a reply:

***To the asshole whose rear "tire" was stolen***

This is just a message to the person to let you know that a tire is the rubber thing filled with air that goes around the round metal spokey thingy, and not the metal spokey thingy itself.  I suppose it's possible that someone removed the rear wheel from your stupid Fuji, dismounted the tire, and then reinstalled the wheel for you, but it's highly unlikely--and if he did then he must have needed the tire so badly that it's almost forgivable.  Either way, calling a wheel a tire reveals you to be clueless, like going into a nice restaurant and ordering "vinegar-ette" instead of vinaigrette, which you probably do as well.  By the way, a six-figure salary is nothing these days, and I don't know how you could possibly consider any salary under a million dollars to be "comfortable."  While you may boast about slurping down oysters in East Hampton I can assure you that to me and my fellow billionaire friends it's about as impressive as scarfing a cardboard box full of Nathan's fried clams on the Coney Island boardwalk.  My friends and I prefer our seafood endangered, like when we eat whale sushi on the deck of my yacht off the coast of Martha's Vineyard with the corpses of John-John Kennedy and Carolyn Bessette. (We keep them in the wine fridge.)  Also totally "LOL"-ing over the "sentimental value" thing.  Real rich people don't have sentiments.  Why don't you get a proper douchebag's bike, like a Budnitz?


Willard Mitt Romney

PS: I've been to that grocery store in the Shenandoah mountains and it sucks.

That man really knows how to connect with the people.

By the way, if the oyster-slurper doesn't want to spring for a Budnitz he could always get himself a used Cannondale, as forwarded by another reader:

Cannondale - $899 (New Springville)
Date: 2012-09-18, 9:08AM EDT

3 years old, well kept Cannondale Aluminum crafting and CAAD10 DNA lightest-in-class frame. Maverick wheel set, includes clip tow paddles.

Maverick wheels and the clip tow paddles?  That's what I call a non-brainer!  I'd peel the trigger on this one immediately.  All that's missing is the healment and you're all set!

Meanwhile, the Second Biennial Cock-Off contest (sponsored by Knog, the Crocs of blinky lights) is heating up like fleas on a burning cat.  You may recall that yesterday I mentioned this entry and then speculated as to whether or not it actually qualifies as a cockpit:

Well, I've since consulted the dictionary, and after spending 20 minues looking up all the dirty words and giggling (this one's still my favorite) I then got around to reading the definition of "cockpit " which is as follows:

Clearly, the above entry conforms to at least two (2) of the above, since:

1) It is indeed "a space or compartment" in a "small vehicle" from which it is "steered, piloted, or driven;"


2) You could totally hold a cockfight in there.

Therefore, by the authority vested in me by my magical Mormon underpants and my studded leather yarmulke, I hereby declare the yellow laundry basket cockpit to be eligible for a Cockie.  May it please the Almighty Lobster On High, et cetera, yadayada, blabbityblabbity, and so forth.

(I should also mention at this point that if the contest comes down to a tie then I will determine the winner by means of a cockfight.)

And needless to say, this cockpit is also fully valid:

Here the owner uses tape and cardboard to stunning effect, and while it's difficult to make out the details I'm fairly certain the bicycle is equipped with at least two pairs of handlebars and two pairs of brake levers:

As for the electronic device embedded in the console, I'm not sure what that is, but I suspect it might be a scientific calculator.

Then there's "A Cockwork Orange:"

Here's the backstory:

The photo was taken yesterday, in Auckland, New Zealand.

Down here, we don't have a bicycle cycling culture providing the necessary creative backdrop for truly transcendent cockpit artistry.

But what we lack in imagination and technical wizardry we make up for with practical, single minded focus.

Perhaps this submission could be considered in a safety-themed competition subcategory.

Sadly, I was unable to capture a picture of the rider, who was dressed head-to-toe orange, including orange spray painted shoes.

Subcategory?  No, I'd go so far as to say this is potential best in show material, which is warranted on the wiring alone

Not to mention the sheer candlepower:

Just imagine a New Zealander in spraypainted clown shoes coming at you like some crazed Ronald McDonald, his cockpit blindingly aglow with sheer cockpitular brilliance.

Too ostentations?  Well then perhaps you'd prefer something more subtle, like this entry from Matt of Bikehacks:

GoPro, SchmoPro.  The true auteur prefers a full-sized camera with a tiny bike attached.

Speaking of cameras, still another reader tells me that former Digital Photography Enthusiast cover model the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret has landed a sweet new spokesmodel gig:

It's no surprise to learn that WD-40 are spending big bucks for the best in the business, since recently they've been courting the cycling market aggressively and are even sponsoring everybody's new favorite pastime, cyclocross (the Jens Voigt of cycling disciplines):

You've probably heard the Chris Rock routine about Robitussin.  Well, traditionally WD-40 has been the Robitussin of bike lubes in that it's something clueless people just spray all over everything until the bike gets quiet.  Now though it seems they're trying to go more "upmarket" with the product, though everybody knows you're only supposed to use bike-specific boutique lubes that cost more per volume than designer fragrances even though they're really just motor oil mixed with kerosene.

In any case, it's only a matter of time before the Vice Grip people get in on the act, since locking pliers are the preferred (and indeed only) tool in the inept mechanic's arsenal:

Incidentally, I came across the above picture just before I opened the Cock-Off submission from the Bikehacks guy, which is the sort of coincidence that is clear proof of the existence of God and that endless bloody wars should be forever fought in His name.


Anyway, I look forward the day when cyclocross gets to the point where pit mechanics will just spray the crap out of the bikes with WD-40 and then work them over ham-handedly with the Vice Grips.

Lastly, from still yet another reader comes this article which confirms something everybody already knew:

Which is that people in Portland "don't want to try:"

"I'm pretty content being able to support myself on a minimum-wage job," said Deanna Horton, 22, who graduated in May from Lewis & Clark college in Portland and is now working the front desk at a science museum. Horton doesn't have a driver's license, but she said the only time she's ever felt she needed one was when she moved across town.

A transplant from Syosset, N.Y., on Long Island, Horton said she'd love to have a more challenging and fulfilling job — but not enough to give up on a city that supports things like a neighborhood tool library, which gives residents free access to a wide variety of tools for carpentry, home improvement and gardening.

"I feel like my job prospects in other places would be really good," she said, looking over the top of her Apple computer at the popular Stumptown Coffee. "But I don't want to try."

It's good to see that people are now just simply "dropping out" without wasting a bunch of energy on the "turning on" and "tuning in" parts.

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