Public Service Harassment: Help Us Help You Get Run Over

In the world of competitive cycling, there is obviously glory in being at the front of the pack, and there's also a certain dignity in being the lanterne rouge (mostly because you get to be smug about not doping).  The middle of the pack is where all the indignity lies.  In fact, the only indignity worse than being in the middle of the pack is being in the middle of the pack and then getting attacked by bees:

Stage 1 of the Bridge Cape Pioneer Trek international mountain bike stage in the Oudtshoorn region of South Africa was hit by a unexpected surprise when a group of mid-pack riders was met by a swarm of bees approximately 60km in the 103km stage from Oudtshoorn to Calitzdorp on Monday.

A total of 30 riders were badly stung and treated at the scene and nine were rushed to hospital for treatment at the Medi Clinic in Oudtshoorn.


That's gotta suck.  Fortunately, most of the riders are are okay, which is why I feel comfortable joking about it:

Carel Herholdt, of the event organisers Dryland, confirmed that the majority of the hospitalised riders were released on Monday evening and would be able to continue in the race.

And while we're on the subject, here's an encore screening of one of the most thrilling cycling films ever made, "MAN GETTING ATTACKED BY BEES:"



As Homer Simpson once said, "They're defending themselves somehow!"  In any case, this is surely the "Grizzly Man" of cycle touring movies.

Meanwhile, in other competitive cycling news, Michael Barry thinks the sport is too hard:

The environment remains precarious on every level. Cyclists are required to sacrifice most other aspects of their lives to reach the top. Virtually year-round, we lead ascetic lives, where each movement on and off our bikes is calculated so we will perform to the best of our abilities. The demands are high.

His solution to this problem seems to be that the riders should race less and get more money.  This is a charmingly Canadian way of looking at things, though I'm unconvinced.  In fact, I think the only way to rid the sport of doping is to remove any and all forms of compensation whatsoever.

Sure, these guys work really hard, but when you think about it all they're doing is riding bikes as fast as they can, and riding a bike as fast as you can contributes about as much to society as the act of masturbating.  In fact, both acts are remarkably similar in that they can be lots of fun, they're not really hurting anybody, but they're not exactly helping either.  (Though I suppose both help your partner in that they leave you too exhausted to bother them.)  Therefore, like masturbating, riding bikes fast should be something people do entirely in their spare time--even at the highest level of the sport.  Stop enabling these people!  If a typical Cat 4 is willing to completely demean himself for a "pro deal" on a Cannondale what do you think a professional is going to do when an actual living is on the line?  Of course they're cheating!  The only solution is to give these people less, not more, and to treat riding bicycles fast like the act of onanism that it is.  (Sure, there are people who get paid to masturbate, but I'm sure they're using performance-enhancing drugs too.)

Of course, there's still the danger that riders may cheat so that they can capitalize on their victories in other ways (like writing books or opening fast food restaurant chains), but if we all do our part and completely and totally ignore all forms of bicycle racing then maybe they'll all just go away.

By the way, did you know that Dr. Michele Ferrari has a website and you can still hire him to coach you?

Though if you're wondering what it will cost you, that depends on your "exigencies:"

Due to the exclusive nature of the relationship with the athlete, your training solution will be personally priced in accordance with your exigencies, objectives specificity and possibilities as well as duration of the membership.

Feel free to discuss and plan together with us the best training solution to achieve your goals Ð send us an email to admin@53x12.com 

Quality and efficiency are the very basis of our training. 
Flexibility and exclusivity are the foundation of our service.

Which is why I've just sent him an email with the subject line "Cat 6 racer willing to do anything to make it."  Hopefully he'll understand what I mean by "anything" (that's street slang for TAKING DRUGS), though he does assert elsewhere on his site that he does not provide doping services:

As clearly demonstrated in Exibit A by Jack Robertson, this collaboration consisted exclusively of advice on training, saddle height adjustments, aerodynamic positioning, locations for training programs and competitions: NOTHING to do with doping. 

I understand completely.  So, like, how many ampoules of "saddle height" do I need to be the fastest guy over the Williamsburg Bridge?

Alas, the truth is that in cycling the only real heroes are the commuters.  The regular people.  The rank-and-file.  The ones who don't take the bus, even when it rains. (I lifted those last four sentences verbatim from yesterday's post, which is how we bike bloggers dope.  It's called a "homogeneous word transfusion.")  Unfortunately, as far as most of America is concerned, these real heroes can go fuck themselves, which is why in Boston they're posting ads like this:

(Wait, his head looks fine.  So if he had been wearing a helment he wouldn't have cut his chin?)

In other words, anything that happens to you when you don't have a piece of foam strapped to your head is your own damn fault as far as they're concerned.  Actually, anything that happens to you when you do have a piece of foam strapped to your head is also your own damn fault as far as they're concerned.  The helment is just your tacit acknowledgement that they can continue to drive recklessly.  Really, it's mostly just a threat thinly disguised as a PSA.

Also, it's worth pointing out that, at least in New York City, the dumbest riders you'll see are usually wearing helments.  (That doesn't mean that you shouldn't wear one.  It just means that congratulating yourself for wearing a helment is like congratulating yourself for masturbating.)  In particular, there is a direct relationship between doing completely idiotic things on a bicycle and wearing a slightly crooked Nutcase helment.  The streets are now teeming with riders on "vintage" ten speeds and My-First-Fixies in freewheel mode (front brake only, of course), salmoning and riding through red lights with that stupid "draftee in a foxhole" look of fear on their faces, as though some inexorable force is pulling them through the traffic signal or against traffic.  (I guess in their case a bicycle is technically an "inexorable force" since they have no idea how to control it.)  Of course, it's all perfectly fine because they're wearing their helments.  Their poorly-adjusted, off-kilter, "Hey, I've got a watermelon on my head!" helments.

(I guess people really want to look like watermelons.)

Furthermore, many of these riders are also using the new "serval" bicycle saddles, forwarded to me by a reader:

Though nobody's going to accuse Russell Crowe of not wearing proper safety gear when he rides in New York City, as in this photograph which was forwarded to me by another reader:

Not only is he wearing a protective helment and a protective beard, but he's also sporting serval more layers of clothing than I'd think necessary given that it's been like 60 degrees here.  (60 degrees Fahrenheit is approximately [mumblemumblemumble] degrees Celsius.)

Then again, Crowe probably dresses himself according to the Charity Ride Fred temperature scale, which calls for full Windstopper tights as soon as the temperature dips below 65.

Next time he's in down hopefully he'll opt for a "buddy bike," as forwarded by yet another reader:

Tandem buddy bike - $800 (shingletown)
Date: 2012-10-15, 6:35PM PDT
Reply to: [deleted}

I have a rare tandem buddy bike. This is not a home made bike. Its called a buddy bicycle. I think it was made in the 70s. Rides great. just installed new (chain-cables-break pads-tires-tubs). The left side is the side you steer from. Be the only one in the north state to have one. Asking $800.00 or best cash offer. Thanks Jim 530-474-[deleted]

What happens when one of the riders gets off?

Pod People: Infiltrating the World of the Cars

In yesterday's post, I complained about how difficult it can be to tell Australia from New Zealand.  Fortunately though, a commenter--this commenter, to be precise:

--was kind enough to provide an image that underscores the fundamental difference between the two countries:

I think I understand it now, though I still can't tell their flags apart.

Also in yesterday's post, I mentioned bicycle theft and "personalizing" your bike to make it more recognizable in the event that it should go on permanent loan.  Well, even more "proactive" than personalization is "uglification," the idea being that if you make your bike unattractive enough that nobody will bother taking it in the first place.  Now, I'm not sure how effective uglification actually is, but if you're considering it here's a video I recently received from a reader that documents the process:



There's a fine line between cunning and idiocy, and this person appears to have passed it about five cans of spraypaint ago.  What is the point of buying a brand-new bike, spending an additional hundred dollars on paints and sundries (not to mention foodstuffs), and then ruining the bike, when you can just go to Craigslist and buy an ugly piece of crap that costs less than your "uglification kit?"  Sure, I suppose there's the knowledge that underneath all that lacquer and chocolate there's a pristine bicycle, but this raises a philosophical question: Is there really a difference between something that looks like it's rusty and something that's actually rusty?  And it's probably not even worth pointing out that his bike is aluminum, which means it wouldn't rust like this in the first place:

In any case, despite putting in all that work he's only succeeded in making the bike more appealing, since to the "doucherati" it now has what they like to call a "patina."  Patina lends precious objects an air of authenticity.  That's why you'll see intentionally tarnished custom bicycles at NAHBS, or full sleeve tattoos with nautical motifs on recent liberal arts college graduates in Brooklyn.

Anyway, that bike looks delicious, and I guess if it gets stolen you can always follow the trail of ants--though I still have yet to see a theft deterrent more effective than this:


Even the most desperate thief wouldn't go anywhere near this bike, and if your religious beliefs preclude your using a prophylactic then I'd imagine a tidy pile of feces on the saddle would work just as well.

Of course, another problem with uglifying your bike is that if you're not thorough enough a single rain shower could be enough to clean the whole thing up.  Then again, as the saying goes, "If it rains take the bus."  Or, if you want to stay dry but you don't want to take the bus because you're afraid you might find an unfurled prophylactic on the seat, you can always take the velomobile, as in this video that was forwarded to me by another reader:



"When I take this out in the morning rush hour, this amazing phenomenon occurs where people think of me as one of them.  I'm a little car!," explains the suppository driver exuberantly.  This exuberance disturbed me, since it implies that the loftiest goal an American can have is to be accepted as an automobile.  Then he goes on to explain, "I'm kind of a car because they don't know I'm pedaling underneath." For years, I've struggled to understand why so many drivers seem to hate cyclists.  Is it our smugness?  Are they jealous of us?  Do they secretly envy our freakish quads?  Finally, I have the answer--it's the simple act of pedaling that so enrages them!  Hide that and you're finally One Of Them.  (This innate aversion to pedaling could also explain why contraptions like the ElliptiGO are so popular.)

Nevertheless, I gradually found myself warming to Captain Suppository, and I especially enjoyed when he went into full "turtle mode:"

(He's just a pair of disembodied sunglasses at this point.)

Scoff if you will, but this is what will come of mandatory helment laws.  First they force you to wear regular ones, then they force you to wear full-face ones, then they force you to ride inside of a gigantic full-body one, and before you know it America's cyclists all look like great big rolling time trial helments:

(In a few years this will be you.)

So is this how the bicycle will finally infiltrate the American suburbs?  I don't know, but I do know that the velomobile does reveal a great deal about human nature as well as our national character.  For example, consider this video, in which a Canadian pessary pilot is pulled over by the police:



The officer's reaction to this unfamiliar contraption that looks like it either comes from outer space or is a leftover prop from Woody Allen's "The Sleeper" takes the following path:

1) Confusion
2) Curiosity
3) Acceptance

Incidentally, I particularly enjoyed the part when the human clam tells the officer ,"They're very common in Europe," because I've been to Europe and they're totally not.  This form of justification is of course called the "European Carryall" defense.  ("It's not a suppository, it's European!")

Anyway, here's how the exact same scenario plays out down here in Canada's suppository:



In this case, the rent-a-cop's reaction is as follows:

1) Confusion
2) Hate
3) Banishment

Note in particular how quickly the real-life Paul Blart goes from having no idea what in the world he's looking at to stating with absolute certainty that it's not allowed.  This encapsulates the typical American reaction to everything from bikes to religion to sexual orientation.  "What the hell is that?  You can't do that!!!"  And I certainly don't exclude myself from this sort of reptilian-brained behavior, because that's exactly the way I feel when I see a Segway.

But what if you don't want a velomobile, yet you pine for some sort of hard shell in which to "portage" your "European" accessories?  Well look no further, because still another reader has alerted me to the "bicycle trunk:"

(I have no idea what it costs, but I'm guessing this is an "If you have to ask..." scenario.)

Here's the idea behind the "bicycle trunk:"

To remember the forgotten and old tradition of trunks, Moynat, the famous trunk and leather goods firm, has created a bicycle trunk, which expresses the meticulous detail that is part of the history of the brand.

Some might argue that the old tradition of trunks was forgotten for a reason, but if you're the sort of person who wears a Victorian anti-masturbation device so you won't get too carried away by photographs of Brooke Astor then this could be the accessory for you--especially if you're an aristocrat whose busy lifestyle requires you to have five-course picnics on the go:

Plates and cutlery are strapped to the top, custom compartments holds two aluminum thermoses and porcelain goblets, and a drawer to keep sandwiches. The front cantilevers into a small table.

Retro-Foppery like this makes the Tweed Ride look like a Gran Fondo.

What's My Motivation? Pick a Cause, Any Cause

Why do you ride a bike?  Is it for fun?  Is it for fitness?  Is it to get to work or school?  Is it because you like the way the saddle rubs up against your private parts?  Or is it because "bi-keen" is good for the environment and you think you're singlehandedly staving off climate change?  Well, I was visiting Streetsblog recently, where I saw a preview for a show that will no doubt appeal to those cyclists in that last category:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I don't want bad stuff to happen to the environment--at least until they make the Moon habitable, because I would totally live there.  Unfortunately, with the Space Shuttle program suspended, it could be years before lunar gentrification finally occurs, and it's doubtful that amenities like fair trade coffee houses and restaurants that serve organic cuisine will be established there during our lifetimes.  Therefore, in the meantime, I'm in complete agreement with the notion that the Earth should remain able to sustain human life.  (But obviously, once the Moon turns into a great big Portland in the sky, then fuck it.)

At the same time, while I've mounted a bicycle for fun, and for fitness, and for transportation (and obviously for crotchal stimulation, because I mean like really, who doesn't?), I don't think I've ever thought to myself, "I really should ride my bike today because of this whole climate change thing."  You can criticize me all you want, but I'm just being honest.  In fact, it would be far easier for me to lie and say I'm doing my part for the environment, because I'm going to ride no matter what.  Therefore, retroactively ascribing lofty motives to my actions is merely a matter of convenience--like accidentally catching a baby thrown from a burning building and then saying, "I meant to do that."

But ask yourself this: what if it were the other way around?  What if cycling were demonstrably bad for the environment--worse even than driving a car?  Would you drive instead?  Or, what if you knew that every year a baby seal would be clubbed in your name because you rode a bicycle?  You'd never actually have to see it, but you would get a certificate in the mail.  Would you give up riding, or would you manage to rationalize it or ignore it?

Suck on that one, seal-killer.

As it is, I'm not all that convinced that cycling is so environmentally friendly anyway--at least as it's practiced by Americans.  The constant eBaying, the incessant upgrades, the frenzied redemption of Nashbar discount codes...  All of this stuff is flown and trucked to and from your door.  It's not like it falls from a tree and then gets carted to the local greenmarket in a bakfiets.  And who consumes more avidly than American cyclists?  Show me an American cyclist who has not taken delivery of some sort of bike bauble or custom bag or technical garment or eBay find in the last two weeks and I will call you on your fraud and expose that cyclist for the Dutchman he is.  Anyway, the guy with the MSNBC show better be careful, because the NYPD is going to knock the smugness out of him for all that sidewalk riding:

Dooring a cyclist to death is no bid deal, but riding a bike on the sidewalk can land you in criminal court.

Ultimately though, more even than buying stuff, Cycling American Style is about the pursuit of glory, whether that glory is the glory of unassailable smugness, or it is the glory of defeating your fellow cyclists in the rigors of competition. Of course, sometimes it can be hard to find a fellow cyclist to defeat, which is why we now have Strava.  As it happens, Strava is now being sued, and while I'm personally not a fan of Strava I do think this lawsuit is utterly ridiculous:

Here's what happened:

Flint was apparently going for a new record on South Park Drive in the hills east of Berkeley, California when he slammed into a car, and speculation began almost immediately that Strava might share part of the blame.

Again, I think it's inappropriate to blame Strava for this cyclist's death in the same way that it's inappropriate to blame the porn industry for death by auto-erotic strangulation, though at the same time I was kind of stunned by the following reader comment on the article:

I'm not so sure the lawsuit is frivolous.. I was recently a Strava KOM on a descent.. when my record was broken I received a direct email that notified me and expressed I needed to get back out there and 'show them who was boss'. Strava isn't taking into account that I was already blowing the posted speed limit by 20+ mph on State property. As harmless as Strava can be it's has a strange was of playing to the ego.. Sort of the Drink, Drink, Drink... College days.

Wow.  So basically, if I have this right, Freds are cresting climbs with their eyes glued to their smartphones, and if they don't "win" they immediately get an email telling them that they need to do it all over again.  I certainly don't think this is tantamount to killing somebody, but I do think it's incredibly pathetic and dorky.

This comment was even more stunning:

The only thing that Strava posts up if you are fastest, is an image of a Burger King hat....and if you upgrade you can filter the list by age and weight classifications so you don't have to compare yourself to some Pro or 27yr old Cat 1 racer......so this lawsuit is complete B$ by an opportunist.

As I understand it, the more you "upgrade" the more you can slice and dice your "competition" into a smaller group, thus making "winning" even easier.  Presumably you can keep "upgrading" to the point at which victory is all but assured, and I wonder how much you have to pay to be the KOM of 50-50 1/2 year old Sagittarius dentists who ride Serottas and wear red socks.

Of course, you don't need Strava to engage in competition with your fellow riders, since you can always just "Cat 6" them instead--just try not to crash into the side of a bridge while you're doing it:

Vanderbilt Ave on our bikes - m4w - 25 (Manhattan Bridge to Vanderbilt Ave)
Date: 2012-06-19, 12:20AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]


You passed me on the Manhattan Bridge. Then you passed some other dude, too. I thought you guys knew each other cause he tried to keep pace with you, and was like totally smiling at you like it was a game. But then he almost killed both of us when he lost control and crashed into the side of the bridge. I thought he was a jerk. Also his button-down shirt was open like a tool. What a jerk.


Anyway, I think you thought I was trying to pass you on Vanderbilt because I was on the other side of the street and you said that I could go in front of you. But I was just over there cause I was turning left on Gates. I'm not like that other guy. I wouldn't pass you just to flirt. I'd much rather write a thing on the internet.


Your bike was squeaky and you are pretty.


Let me buy you a beverage, please?


PS. If you DO know that guy, I'm sorry I called him a jerk and a tool. But he is.

I'm not sure who you sue in the event of a non-Strava related "Cat 6" mishap, though I suppose I'd either start with the Department of Transportation, or, in the event the pursuit was inspired by alluring "coin slot" exposure, the manufacturer of the female cyclist's pants.

Or, in lieu of legal action, just hurl your u-lock at the offending party:

Cyclist who hurled bike lock at cab - w4m - 31 (Lower East Side)
Date: 2012-06-17, 12:26AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]


Just wanted you to know... you were in the right, that cab driver was nuts. He ran a red light shortly after he nearly killed you. I took down his information and reported him to the taxi commission. That said, I'm glad your bike lock didn't break the rear window as it was aimed at my not-so-hard-head.

It's good to know the passenger was on the cyclist's side.

And if instead of throwing a u-lock at a taxi cab you'd rather throw money somebody, here's your chance for I recently received the following [edited] email:


I know you take great pleasure in admiring Portland's ridiculous 'culture' and are a huge fan of the smug that we are known for.  I want to give you the opportunity to help us continue arguably the best cycling community on the planet.  Then you can make fun of us for it.


My best friend, riding partner and team mate had an unfortunate accident during a single speed short track race last week leaving him paralyzed from the chest down.  He is a tremendous and successful racer and the nicest guy in town.  ...  We all love him to death and are doing all we can to make things easier for him.  A donation site has been established for his recovery fund (www.bartonpdx.com).  He has a wife and amazing family, as well as tons of friends who are all by his side - but this is bigger than us.  Once the bartonpdx.com site was launched with a $50,000 goal we were half way there in just over a day.  Folks are donating for raffles, selling mountain bike frames, printing t-shirts... That is community!  Dare I say that is the cycling community... in Portland.


So - you have free reign to make fun of short track, single speed mountain bikes, Portland, organic hops, etc... I just ask that you link to www.bartonpdx.com to help us get the word out and raise money for his recovery.

Wow, an opportunity to make fun of Portland in the context of a horrible accident?!?  Thanks for nothing.  Nevertheless, I'm happy to honor the request (though I'll withhold the ridicule), and if you'd like more information you can find it here.

Or, if you prefer to give even more irreverently, there's always this:

Dear Bike Snob NYC,


In July I will be raising money for scholarships at my university, Imperial College London, by cycling a life-sized skeleton on a tandem the entire length of the United Kingdom. I’d really appreciate if you could help spread the word in any way possible – I’ve included more information about the cycle below, and I've attached a photo of how ridiculous a guy on a tandem with a skeleton looks. Thanks for your time.


Best,
Kadhim

Here's more on his endeavor:

Including the disclosure that he's not ready:

My body is not ready…


With less than two weeks to go it’s quickly dawning on me that this is going to be a pretty difficult challenge to complete. I barely cycled across London today, probably two hours cycling in total, and my legs are feeling pretty tired.

Good to see he's thinking this through, though if he had opted for a living human in a skeleton suit he'd have a much easier time of it.  Or, if he doesn't mind some musculature along with his skeleton, there's always Mario Cipollini:

I'm sure he'd be willing to do it as long as there's access to university girls, and I can't think of a better way to raise scholarship funds than with a video series called "Mario Cipollini's British College Girls Gone Wild."

Unfit for Life: All Aboard the Pain Train, Next Stop Delusion

Yesterday was a lovely day in Brooklyn, New York.  As usual, I woke up to the sounds of the roosters cockledoodydooing in my chicken coop.  Next, I pulled on my overalls, slopped the cows, milked the pigs, and collected the platypus eggs to bring to the greenmarket.  Then, my chores finished, I decided that I was going to enjoy a ride on a bicycle with those crazy clip-in-style pedals and the curved-type handlebars with the shifters built into the brake levers, because those kinds of bikes can be fun to ride.

There was once a time when, in order to mount such a bicycle, I would have taken great pains to make sure my special stretchy clothes all matched.  Believe it or not, I even "trained" back then--or at least deluded myself into thinking I was riding in such a way that I would eventually get faster.  Now, those days are over, and I've forsaken almost all of the "weird style diktats" to which I once so rigorously adhered.  If I were to name my current on-the-bike style I'd probably go with something like "Mismatched And Hairy," and in fact I'm currently flirting with the idea of opening a cycling café of the same name.  In physics or whatever that kind of science is called (I never made it past Earth Science), they say something like, "All things tend towards chaos."  Similarly, in cycling (at least as I practice it), all things tend towards schlubbiness.

Anyway, there I was, happily pedaling rhombuses through David G. Greenfield's district with one eye open for good places to pee, when I was overtaken by some well-groomed, well-heeled, and matchy-matching riders as well as a gentleman on a Vespa.  It should go without saying that the well-groomed riders did not talk to me, but the Vespa rider did, and at the next light we exchanged pleasantries.  He then invited me to come to Floyd Bennett Field for some motorpacing.  Now, I understand there are people who go in for that sort of thing, but if I wanted to ride around sucking down exhaust on a beautiful Sunday I'd just spend the day "taking the lane" up and down Coney Island Avenue.  Politely I declined, and then he told me I should avail myself of his coaching services, at which point he handed me his card:

It was at this point I realized how profoundly I'd changed, and that I'd now become the sort of sad rider coaches try to solicit--the cycling equivalent of the lonely salesman in the hotel bar being seduced by the local call girl.  Whereas once I looked the part of the racer, now I was clearly an aging and unfit Fred on a vanity bike and teetering on the brink of Lone Wolfitude.

Of course, the truth is that I like it that way, and I'd sooner pay someone to tell me when and how to go to the bathroom than I would to tell me when and how to ride my bike.  Therefore, I tried to explain that he was meowing up the wrong tree, and that my "training" days were long behind me.  Nevertheless, he insisted I could somehow benefit from his services, and when I got home I checked out his website:

(In my case, the answer to every one of these questions is "Fuck no!".)

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I certainly begrudge no honest person his or her livelihood, and certainly if a coach is providing a service that people appreciate and are willing to pay for then I wish him or her nothing but success.  At the same time, it is my personal belief that if you are "frustrated" with cycling because you because you "do not see the results you had hoped to achieve" that you should quit.  Yes, quit!  Quit like the wind!  This is because the correct answer to the question "Are you maximizing your potential as a cyclist?" is that you have no potential as a cyclist--apart from the potential to disappoint and alienate everybody around you as you fritter away your life in the pursuit of a delusion.

Sure, I was never a very good racer.  In fact, I'm like a call on an iPhone, in that I get dropped pretty much every time.  Nevertheless, I have been riding bikes for awhile, and there's one thing I've learned over the years, which is this:

If you're not getting results, it's because you suck.  And when you suck, you suck.

How you deal with that sucking is up to you, but trust me: you suck.  There's no coach, no wheelset, no plastic frame, and no electronic shifter that's going to change that.  I know this because I sucked when I started, and I still suck now.  Moreover, the same people who sucked when I started still suck too, and many of them employ coaches and use equipment that would make a pro team blush.  I'm not sure why bike racers are so delusional; maybe it's just human nature, or maybe it's uniquely American, since we're raised to believe in that whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" thing.  But while someone from a humble background may be able to parlay lots of hard work into a lucrative career, there's really no cycling equivalent.  You can't pull yourself up by your Sidis.  If you suck, you suck, and that's that.  You can suck expensively with coaches and equipment and entry fees, or you can suck frugally by just racing under your own terms and having fun, or you can stop sucking altogether, quite the whole sucky rat race, and just ride your bike.

Anyway, it's for this reason that I've long abandoned the notion of on-the-bike accomplishment.  But that's not to say I don't still like to get out there and suck in a race once in awhile, or that I don't apply the concept to other areas of my life in which I suck.  For example, as a book author I like to think I'm the equivalent of a mid-pack Cat 4, which is why my idea of literary accomplishment is this, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

See that?  I'm right next to the deodorant!

Yes, travel bag placement doesn't get much more auspicious than the mesh compartment, even if you're almost certainly going to be joined by the dirty underwear on the return trip.  Anyway, it's no West Elm catalogue, but I'll take it, and I'm fully reconciled to--nay, proud of!--the fact that have produced a (barely) prop-worthy book, and that as a competitive cyclist I barely rate as a pity case for enterprising coaches trolling the backstreets of Brooklyn on Vespas.

Speaking of delusion, perhaps the grandest of all cycling delusions--grander even than the "athlete" delusion--is the one that you can somehow revolutionize the commuting bicycle.  Here's a vision for the future of commuting that appeared in the New York Times and was forwarded to me by another reader:

All of these concepts fall under the seems-like-a-great-idea-until-you-think-about-it-for-two-seconds-and-realize-it's-pointless category.  For example, consider this:

Anti-theft handlebars


Here’s an old idea whose time has come again. The bearing system that allows the bike to turn can be locked so that a thief can’t steer his stolen bike. The lock is internal, meaning that he’d have to destroy the bike to ride it away.

Sure, motorcycles have this, so why not bicycles?  Well, because thieves don't care whether or not they can ride the bike away, and they're perfectly happy to destroy it.  If they don't feel like "schlepping" it they'll just take their favorite part of it and leave you to deal with the rest, as I'm all too familiar with:


Anyway, go ahead and leave your bike with its locking steering column sitting outside in a big city for more than 30 seconds and see what happens.  I assure you you're not going to come back to a frustrated thief riding around and around in circles.

Then of course there's the eternal pursuit of the greaseless drivetrain.  Some marketers seem to think if they can create a clean alternative to the chain than the last impediment to cycling will be lifted and the entire population of the United States will abandon their cars and flock to bicycles in clean-legged, chainring tattoo-free droves.  For awhile the pet drivetrain of such marketers was the belt drive, but now apparently it's the shaft drive:

No more greasy chains


An updated shaft drive — which replaces the chain with a rod and internal gear system — would be perfect for urban riders. They’re popular in China right now, but new versions will be lighter and have more sophisticated gearing.

Like the belt drive, the shaft drive concept fails to take into account that you can accomplish all of this with a simple chain guard or chain case.  If it helps to think of it in motor vehicle terms, consider that no motorist cares about all the oily and grimy components in their motor, and that's because they have this thing called a "hood."  This allows them to not see stuff and not touch stuff and to simply bring it to a garage when something goes wrong--which is exactly what the sort of person who's afraid of a little chain grease is going to do with a bicycle with a fully-enclosed chain anyway.

But what about frame materials?  Surely we can do better there:

One-piece plastic and carbon-fiber frames


Plastic frames were tried back in the ’90s, but they were too heavy. The materials and technology have improved. Thermoplastics are cheap and practically impervious to the elements.

Now this makes sense for commuting, since any cyclist knows that crabon fiber frames are exceedingly cheap:

($3,000 doesn't include the coach you'll need to hire to maintain your delusions.)

Whereas everybody knows the metal frames most people commute on now are grossly expensive, incredibly delicate, and melt in the rain.

I'm looking forward to America's ideal commuting future in which we all ride one-piece thermoplastic bicycles with shaft drives in cities with mandatory helmet and airbag laws:



Ah, fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai.

"Right," Said Fred: Footloose and Jersey-Free

In yesterday's post, I suggested one should not wear the "mayo jaune" of the Tour of France race leader  unless one is in fact the Tour of France race leader.  I would now like to retract that statement.  The fact is that wearing any jersey--even one reserved exclusively for the most bestest cyclists in the world--is vastly preferable to wearing no jersey at all:

In the world of roadie fashion, there's Fred and then there's Right Said Fred, and this particular look is distinctly the latter.

There is one exception to the "any jersey is better than no jersey" rule though, and that is of course classic Primal Wear:

The above jersey was of course a part of Primal's wildly popular "Lophiiformes" series, because nothing goes together quite as well as cycling and ichthyology.

Speaking of Freds, it's well known among physicists that Fred "Woo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo!" speed is 46mph:


Sadly, Freds Down Under (or "Frumundas" for short) might never know the joys of this magical velocity, for a Melbourne City Councillor wants to impose a bicycle speed limit of 20 so-called "kilometers" per hour:

Why?  Because he was almost hit by a cyclist who ran a red light:

Cr Ong said he was almost struck by a cyclist moving at speed recently. ''The other day when I walked out from town hall I nearly got run over from a cyclist who shot through a red light as I was crossing Little Collins Street right in front of town hall.''

Maybe I'm missing something here, but isn't the problem that the cyclist ran the red light?  If so, I'm assuming that's already illegal in Melbourne, which means that no additional legislation is necessary. Really, imposing a speed limit because someone ran a red light is like raising the sales tax to combat shoplifting.

I suspect what may really be going on is that Australia is determined to usurp the United States from its position as the most "cycling-challenged" nation in the world.  However, they're going to have to get up pretty early in the morning if they want to do that--even earlier than they do now, which is like a day before us, since I think it's already Friday there.  Sure, Australia may have mandatory helmet laws and politicians proposing speed limits and newscasters who think cyclists "door" themselves on purpose, but here in Canada's chamois we just suspend students when they try to ride their bikes to school:

Yes, even the support of the police and the mayor wasn't enough to absolve these kids from the mortal American sin of slowing down motor vehicle traffic in an uptight suburb of a place that barely qualifies as a city:

"It was causing a problem, they were taking up a lane of traffic,' said Pennington. So it was an inconvenience for parents, teachers, but it was also a safety risk," said Pennington.


The students notified Walker Police and had an officer and Walker Mayor Rob VerHeulen escort them. But but Kenowa Hills High School principal, Katie Pennington says she was not informed. She says the bike ride caused a traffic back-up and created a safety hazard.

Also enraged was the Reverend Shaw Moore from that similarly uptight town in "Footloose," who had this to say:

"Even if this was not a law, which it is, I'm afraid I would have a lot of difficulty endorsing an enterprise which is as fraught with genuine peril as I believe this one to be."

Fortunately, wherever teenagers' rights to ride bicycles and/or dance is threatened, there's always one person ready to come to the rescue:

Incidentally, I'm surprised self-conscious and brake-dependent Nü-Freds haven't adopted Kevin Bacon's subtle behind-the-fork caliper positioning.  

Meanwhile, in Washington, DC, a Tweeterer informs me that someone is using the Capital Bikeshare to steal iPhones:

Here's how it happened:


A man rode up, hit her in the face and pedaled away with the device — all without hitting the brakes.


“She said she was on the phone and was trying to be aware and was holding the phone pretty tight,” said a man who talked to the woman immediately after the robbery but did not see it. “He hit her in the face. He didn’t even stop.”

He didn't even stop?!?  How rude!  If only there were a bicycle speed limit in place then this crime would never have happened.  Hopefully a local politician will get right on that, because speeding cyclists are far more dangerous than people who watch TV while they drive:

I encountered this person while riding through Brooklyn yesterday, and while the reflections from the window make it difficult to see, the driver's eyes were glued to a TV screen placed discreetly by the gearshift:

I guess this is what the police mean when they say "no criminality."  After all, he'd never kill someone on purpose.  He'd just do it because he was watching TV.

By the way, on that same ride, someone almost let his dogs go pee-pee on my Scattante:

Sure, I don't have proof that he would have allowed it, but he did seem to be nudging the larger dog towards my wheel with one of his flip-flops, and I'm reasonably sure that if I had arrived a second later I would have caught it in flagrante urino.  Indeed, people let their dogs urinate on bikes all the time, which is why you should never leave yours parked with a baguette on it:

The above was forwarded to me by a reader, and it is easily one of the dumbest "portaging" systems I have ever seen:

Though I would enjoy it if Nü-Freds abandoned the messenger bag in favor of self-mummification.

I Wanna Be A-Doored: Getting it Backwards Down Under

If you're reading this in an English-speaking country, it's probably Monday.  Of course, the exception to this is Australia, where due to the time difference it's been Monday for like three days now.  The Australian media has been using this time difference to great effect too, for they've gotten a great big head start on the rest of the world's Anglophones at being complete and utter morons as far as cycling is concerned.

Now, from time to time I get emails from people in Australia.  Usually, it's safe to ignore them, since they're generally just unsolicited outbursts of Australian jingoism along the lines of "I love kangaroos and Paul Hogan;" "The guy from the Fyxomatussin website took another picture of a bike;" or "Cadel Evans has won the Tour de France."  (Seriously, Cadel Evans winning the Tour de France?!?  Not in this lifetime!)  However, once in awhile more than one Australian will email me on the same subject, and that's when I know I should actually pay attention.  That's what happened this morning (or three days from now if you're in Australia) when a number of people (two, I think) alerted me to this morning show segment that was broadcast on ABC:

ABC is apparently the Australian national broadcaster, though judging from this segment it's what would happen if the BBC and Rupert Murdoch were to get drunk and conceive a child out of wedlock.  The story is about a campaign to increase the fines on motorists who "door" cyclists in Melbourne, and in it a reporter interviews Gary Brennan of the Bicycle Network Victoria;

At one point during the interview, the reporter asks:

"Are you worried that by increasing penalties that might be sending a message that it's always the motorist's fault?"

To which Mr. Brennan replies:

"Well it is always the motorist's fault.  The law makes no allowances for drivers in this case.  If you open a door into the path of a rider it's always your fault."

Simple enough.  You fling a car door open without looking and somebody hits it, it's your fault.  Sounds right to me.  However, shortly after that they cut back to the studio, and that's when these idiots once again prove that the movie "Anchorman" was indeed a documentary and that TV talking heads are vapid numbskulls who should never, ever be allowed to say anything that isn't written down for them beforehand:

"Just to even the ledger up a tiny, weensy bit," says the Bruce on the left while making a crushing-your-head motion, "Did I hear him say it's always the motorist's fault or is my hearing failing?"

"No, we both heard that," replies the Bruce on the right smugly.

"It's not the case," declares Bruce on the left.

"I would say that you probably need to take that comment with a little bit of caution," ejaculates the Bruce on the right moronically.

"A sackload of salt, not just a grain," quips left Bruce, and then goes on about how "...we've all seen our fair share of reckless cyclists as well so I think it's very unfair to purely blame motorists 100% of the time."

"More education and more awareness on both sides is what's needed," quips the Bruce on the right, making it clear that she has no firsthand experience with either.

Right, we've all seen our fair share of reckless cyclists who ride into opening car doors on purpose.  If anything, it's probably the reckless cyclists who don't get doored, since when you're salmoning the door angle works in your favor.  Actually, as a cyclist and as a driver, it's very difficult for me to envision a situation in which a cyclist could possibly be at fault in the event of a dooring.  I suppose if a cyclist were actually riding in your private driveway you might have a case, but other than that it's on you.

Of course, because some cyclists are too stupid to fasten a quick release skewer properly, the law punishes the rest of us by requiring our fork dropouts to have safety tabs.  Given this, and given the fact that so many motorists are obviously too stupid to open their car doors properly, shouldn't there at least be some sort of "door safety tab" that requires a step beyond simply pulling the door handle?  Like, maybe you could pull the handle, the door would only open an inch, and then you'd have to pull it again.  Or, maybe all cars need to be outfitted with sliding minivan-style doors.  Sure, people would still exit their cars without looking, but in that case at least we'd hit them instead.  Not only are people softer than doors, but also maybe that way they'd finally start getting the message.

Sadly, I don't see any of this happening any time soon, and in Australia and elsewhere I'm sure moronic motorists will keep flinging their doors open heedlessly and treating doorings as an irritating natural inevitability, like "bird strikes" on airplanes.  They'll also maintain that the real problem is that cyclists are reckless, and that the solution to all cycling-related problems is to make cyclists wear helmets.

Speaking of helmets, a reader recently forwarded me the following apology published by Bicycle Indiana:


We apologize for our error


Please accept our apology for the picture displayed at the close of the May 2012 E-News. This image was a stock photo of a family bicycling.  The use of this image in Bicycle Indiana's e-news was the wrong choice because none of the riders are wearing bicycle helmets. We understand that our members expect Bicycle Indiana to lead by example. Bicycle Indiana recommends and encourages helmet use for all bicyclists and the image displayed provided the incorrect perception that we endorse riding a bicycle without a helmet. We will be more judicious in our choices in the future. 


Oh no!  A family enjoying their bicycles while not wearing helmets?!?  They're all going to die!!!

Fortunately though, Bicycle Indiana addressed the problem via the judicious application of Photoshop:

In the smug world of bike advocacy, a helmetless rider is the equivalent of a "nip slip" on the Disney Channel.  Yet in the world of triathlon, it's perfectly acceptable to ride around while steeping in your own urine, as in this "how to" that was forwarded to me by another reader:

Here's why, if you're a triathlete, you'e supposed to go pee-pee all over yourself while riding:

He always made a point that this “natural process” is as important as quick transitions in a race, since if you have to go and CAN’T, you are either going to be miserable, or have to stop. If you stop, you’ll want to stop at an approved place as you may be penalized and have minutes added to your time if you don’t. I don’t care if you are FOP, MOP or BOP – minutes are minutes, and minutes are the enemy!

The first problem with this is that, if you're participating in a triathlon, you're going to be miserable anyway, so really, what's the difference?  Also, if triathletes urinate as smoothly as they transition then it must be a staccato affair indeed:

Really, the urinary equivalent of a triathlon transition would be this.

Anyway, if you're a triathlete looking to shave a handful of seconds off of the five minutes you lost trying to figure out how your clipless pedals work, here's how you do it:

The key to letting it all go is a downhill slope, relaxation, and a carefree attitude.

Unfortunately, if you're a triathlete, there's no way you could possibly have a relaxed and carefree attitude, so you may have to hold it in after all.  Also, triathletes apparently urinate in packs just like they ride in packs--heedlessly, unpredictably, and inconsiderately:

Also, don’t worry about other people behind you. Once they realize what is happening, they will get out of the way very quickly.

Then, afterwards, they start bragging about their "personal bests:"

Let me also say that after doing it once, it becomes so much easier to do it again. At Wildflower, I peed at miles 40 and 45! At IMLP, I simply lost count.

To him that might be a personal best, but I believe the clinical term for that is "incontinence."

Of course, by this point you may be wondering why they just don't pee in the water during the swimming part, but applying logic to an event as absurd as a triathlon is like trying to apply a sticker to an oily surface.

Lastly, speaking of maximizing performance, you may recall Tyler Hamilton's allegations regarding "lunch bags" and the US Postal Service cycling team:

The best cyclists received white lunch bags filled with the blood-booster EPO, human growth hormone and testosterone from team doctors who handed them out casually, as if those bags contained sandwiches and juice boxes. 

Well, regardless of what you think of Hamilton's claims it's clear that the Postal Services recognizes the demand for easy substance "portaging," because now you can purchase this smart insulated lunch cooler instead:

Forget those boring, brown paper bags. Take your lunch to go in a new, reusable postal lunch cooler. Simply add an ice pack to prevent spoilage. This lunch bag protects against leaks with a 100% waterproof lining. These reusable coolers also feature a zipper closure and a Royal blue design with a horizontal white Postal logo. Ships USPS. 

Just be sure to ask for the "soigneur's discount."