I Wanna Be A-Doored: Getting it Backwards Down Under

If you're reading this in an English-speaking country, it's probably Monday.  Of course, the exception to this is Australia, where due to the time difference it's been Monday for like three days now.  The Australian media has been using this time difference to great effect too, for they've gotten a great big head start on the rest of the world's Anglophones at being complete and utter morons as far as cycling is concerned.

Now, from time to time I get emails from people in Australia.  Usually, it's safe to ignore them, since they're generally just unsolicited outbursts of Australian jingoism along the lines of "I love kangaroos and Paul Hogan;" "The guy from the Fyxomatussin website took another picture of a bike;" or "Cadel Evans has won the Tour de France."  (Seriously, Cadel Evans winning the Tour de France?!?  Not in this lifetime!)  However, once in awhile more than one Australian will email me on the same subject, and that's when I know I should actually pay attention.  That's what happened this morning (or three days from now if you're in Australia) when a number of people (two, I think) alerted me to this morning show segment that was broadcast on ABC:

ABC is apparently the Australian national broadcaster, though judging from this segment it's what would happen if the BBC and Rupert Murdoch were to get drunk and conceive a child out of wedlock.  The story is about a campaign to increase the fines on motorists who "door" cyclists in Melbourne, and in it a reporter interviews Gary Brennan of the Bicycle Network Victoria;

At one point during the interview, the reporter asks:

"Are you worried that by increasing penalties that might be sending a message that it's always the motorist's fault?"

To which Mr. Brennan replies:

"Well it is always the motorist's fault.  The law makes no allowances for drivers in this case.  If you open a door into the path of a rider it's always your fault."

Simple enough.  You fling a car door open without looking and somebody hits it, it's your fault.  Sounds right to me.  However, shortly after that they cut back to the studio, and that's when these idiots once again prove that the movie "Anchorman" was indeed a documentary and that TV talking heads are vapid numbskulls who should never, ever be allowed to say anything that isn't written down for them beforehand:

"Just to even the ledger up a tiny, weensy bit," says the Bruce on the left while making a crushing-your-head motion, "Did I hear him say it's always the motorist's fault or is my hearing failing?"

"No, we both heard that," replies the Bruce on the right smugly.

"It's not the case," declares Bruce on the left.

"I would say that you probably need to take that comment with a little bit of caution," ejaculates the Bruce on the right moronically.

"A sackload of salt, not just a grain," quips left Bruce, and then goes on about how "...we've all seen our fair share of reckless cyclists as well so I think it's very unfair to purely blame motorists 100% of the time."

"More education and more awareness on both sides is what's needed," quips the Bruce on the right, making it clear that she has no firsthand experience with either.

Right, we've all seen our fair share of reckless cyclists who ride into opening car doors on purpose.  If anything, it's probably the reckless cyclists who don't get doored, since when you're salmoning the door angle works in your favor.  Actually, as a cyclist and as a driver, it's very difficult for me to envision a situation in which a cyclist could possibly be at fault in the event of a dooring.  I suppose if a cyclist were actually riding in your private driveway you might have a case, but other than that it's on you.

Of course, because some cyclists are too stupid to fasten a quick release skewer properly, the law punishes the rest of us by requiring our fork dropouts to have safety tabs.  Given this, and given the fact that so many motorists are obviously too stupid to open their car doors properly, shouldn't there at least be some sort of "door safety tab" that requires a step beyond simply pulling the door handle?  Like, maybe you could pull the handle, the door would only open an inch, and then you'd have to pull it again.  Or, maybe all cars need to be outfitted with sliding minivan-style doors.  Sure, people would still exit their cars without looking, but in that case at least we'd hit them instead.  Not only are people softer than doors, but also maybe that way they'd finally start getting the message.

Sadly, I don't see any of this happening any time soon, and in Australia and elsewhere I'm sure moronic motorists will keep flinging their doors open heedlessly and treating doorings as an irritating natural inevitability, like "bird strikes" on airplanes.  They'll also maintain that the real problem is that cyclists are reckless, and that the solution to all cycling-related problems is to make cyclists wear helmets.

Speaking of helmets, a reader recently forwarded me the following apology published by Bicycle Indiana:


We apologize for our error


Please accept our apology for the picture displayed at the close of the May 2012 E-News. This image was a stock photo of a family bicycling.  The use of this image in Bicycle Indiana's e-news was the wrong choice because none of the riders are wearing bicycle helmets. We understand that our members expect Bicycle Indiana to lead by example. Bicycle Indiana recommends and encourages helmet use for all bicyclists and the image displayed provided the incorrect perception that we endorse riding a bicycle without a helmet. We will be more judicious in our choices in the future. 


Oh no!  A family enjoying their bicycles while not wearing helmets?!?  They're all going to die!!!

Fortunately though, Bicycle Indiana addressed the problem via the judicious application of Photoshop:

In the smug world of bike advocacy, a helmetless rider is the equivalent of a "nip slip" on the Disney Channel.  Yet in the world of triathlon, it's perfectly acceptable to ride around while steeping in your own urine, as in this "how to" that was forwarded to me by another reader:

Here's why, if you're a triathlete, you'e supposed to go pee-pee all over yourself while riding:

He always made a point that this “natural process” is as important as quick transitions in a race, since if you have to go and CAN’T, you are either going to be miserable, or have to stop. If you stop, you’ll want to stop at an approved place as you may be penalized and have minutes added to your time if you don’t. I don’t care if you are FOP, MOP or BOP – minutes are minutes, and minutes are the enemy!

The first problem with this is that, if you're participating in a triathlon, you're going to be miserable anyway, so really, what's the difference?  Also, if triathletes urinate as smoothly as they transition then it must be a staccato affair indeed:

Really, the urinary equivalent of a triathlon transition would be this.

Anyway, if you're a triathlete looking to shave a handful of seconds off of the five minutes you lost trying to figure out how your clipless pedals work, here's how you do it:

The key to letting it all go is a downhill slope, relaxation, and a carefree attitude.

Unfortunately, if you're a triathlete, there's no way you could possibly have a relaxed and carefree attitude, so you may have to hold it in after all.  Also, triathletes apparently urinate in packs just like they ride in packs--heedlessly, unpredictably, and inconsiderately:

Also, don’t worry about other people behind you. Once they realize what is happening, they will get out of the way very quickly.

Then, afterwards, they start bragging about their "personal bests:"

Let me also say that after doing it once, it becomes so much easier to do it again. At Wildflower, I peed at miles 40 and 45! At IMLP, I simply lost count.

To him that might be a personal best, but I believe the clinical term for that is "incontinence."

Of course, by this point you may be wondering why they just don't pee in the water during the swimming part, but applying logic to an event as absurd as a triathlon is like trying to apply a sticker to an oily surface.

Lastly, speaking of maximizing performance, you may recall Tyler Hamilton's allegations regarding "lunch bags" and the US Postal Service cycling team:

The best cyclists received white lunch bags filled with the blood-booster EPO, human growth hormone and testosterone from team doctors who handed them out casually, as if those bags contained sandwiches and juice boxes. 

Well, regardless of what you think of Hamilton's claims it's clear that the Postal Services recognizes the demand for easy substance "portaging," because now you can purchase this smart insulated lunch cooler instead:

Forget those boring, brown paper bags. Take your lunch to go in a new, reusable postal lunch cooler. Simply add an ice pack to prevent spoilage. This lunch bag protects against leaks with a 100% waterproof lining. These reusable coolers also feature a zipper closure and a Royal blue design with a horizontal white Postal logo. Ships USPS. 

Just be sure to ask for the "soigneur's discount."

Mating Rituals: Heeding the Call

When you think of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA, Earth, do you think of this?

Or this?

Or, like most people, do you just think of this?



Well, this coming weekend, Philadelphia only means one thing: Bikes, Bikes, Bikes!!! (Okay, technically that's three things.) That's because it's time once again for the Philly Bike Expo, Philadelphia's finest bike show and cream cheese-tasting festival!

There are about a million compelling reasons to go to the Philly Bike Expo this year: because you want to see awesome bikes; because your significant other, spouse, or life partner is a huge bike dork and is making you go; because you live in Philadelphia and there's nothing else to do... But one reason that's not even remotely compelling is that I'll be giving a "seminar" at 2:00pm on Saturday:


This is why the Philly Bike Expo is changing its slogan from "Artisans/Activists/Alternatives" to "Artisans/Activists/Alternatives & A-holes:"

Of course, if you've been to one of my appearances before, you pretty much know what to expect:



However, once I'm finished I promise to wake you up so that I can give away fabulous prizes. These prizes will include:

--The contents of a box of stuff from Knog that I haven't opened yet but that makes the sound of awesome when I shake it;

--"Skincare" from Rapha;

--Coffee from the Just Coffee Cooperative, the cooperative that can beat up any coffee shop in Portland;

And

--50 custom titanium Seven bicycles The remainder of my lunch, provided I'm not able to finish it.

So please show up and get free stuff, if only so I don't have to portage schlep any of it all the way back to New York with me.

With that out of the way, you may recall that yesterday I mentioned Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish's target of choice, Peta Todd:

(Peta Todd attempting to cover her breasts with her hands and missing.)

Well, as you probably noticed, she has the same first name as a popular animal rights group, and I happened to notice in the news today that this popular animal rights group is suing SeaWorld for slavery:

The suit, which PETA says it will file Wednesday in U.S. District Court in San Diego, hinges on the fact that the 13th Amendment, while prohibiting slavery and involuntary servitude, does not specify that only humans can be victims.

While I have my own reservations about zoos and animal theme parks, I also think this lawsuit is absurd, as it's clearly meant to deflect media attention from the fact that PETA itself is being sued by the model for "Kitty Takeover: Cat Week 2011:"

Mittens claims the animal rights organization used his image without his consent and seeks damages to the tune of $8.6 million. He also claims that Peta founders Ingrid Newkirk and Alex Pacheco plied him with catnip before the shoot.

Speaking of cats, and animal rights, and famous sprinters and reproduction (as I was yesterday), in a controversial experiment this cat:


Was exposed to Mario Cipollini for five minutes:

And six hours later, this happened:

The two most shocking things about this experiment were that: 1) All Cipollini did was look at the cat; and 2) The cat is a male. Such is the reproductive power of Mario Cipollini, who is himself part cat:

(What's with the sneakers?)

And all hormones.

Also further to yesterday's post, one reader left the following comment:

Anonymous said...

Extraordinary: a kind of triathlon where ppl actually do have bike handling skills, and better, they can fix a flat !!

October 25, 2011 12:52 PM

And included a link to the following video:



Inasmuch as you're about as likely to find good bike-handling at a triathlon as you are to find pants on Mario Cipollini, I watched the video with interest. Unfortunately, I was unable to find the bike-handling skills to which the reader referred. For example, they weren't here, where someone just rides off the trail for no reason:

Nor were they here:

Or here:



Or even here, on a flattish section of trail with nobody around:

Of course, I realize that these people have just swum a whole lot, so they're already tired. I also realize I've never ridden in Hawaii, so I'm unaware of the unique challenges posed by the terrain. For example, the fallen riders may all have been the victims of invisible lizards. Still, I can't help thinking that the race contains an awful lot of walking for a non-ironic world championship:


And as for the competitors being able to fix a flat, while I did see this, I also saw no evidence that he completed the job successfully:

Without substantiation, I'm just going to have to assume he's still out there.

Of course, I'm more than aware that there's no way I'd be able to complete a grueling athletic endeavor such as the XTERRA World Championships, and I also admit I walk so much while riding offroad that I should probably trade my mountain bike for one of these. Still, I also see nothing in that video to alter my suspicion that, for the vast majority of humanity, bike-handling skills dissolve in water like so much Alka-Seltzer.

And finally, thanks to Craigslist, I think I may finally have discovered the mating call of the "hipster:"

Auburn hair walking on southside of Manhattan Ave - m4w - 30 (WIlliamsburg)
Date: 2011-10-25, 2:15PM EDT
Reply to:

You we're walking on the southside of Manhattan ave behind the school at 2:45 on monday. I was riding my bike. You with your auburn hair, blue jeans and boots. Me riding by in my black hoody. I let out an "ewf". Sorry, you struck me pretty hard. That's all that would come out. Just wanted to let you know. You're a fox.

So if you're ever walking in a trendy neighborhood such as Williamsburg and hear a lilting, "Ewf, ewf, ewf...," just know that you're being courted. It may also be accompanied by some lizard-like head bobbing. Unless it's Mario Cipollini, in which case you'll hear nothing at all until the babies come.

Misinformation: Simple Bikes Can Do Amazing Things

("No Bicycles or Dogs Allowed": even crabon feels anti-veloism's cruel sting.)

As the days when the "fixed-gear culture" was an egalitarian utopia which anybody could join recede further into the past, I find myself growing increasingly nostalgic. That's why I'm very pleased to announce that I've discovered a fixed-gear documentary made during the "Fixed-Gear Golden Age" (which most fixed-gear historians agree occurred sometime last summer) that sums up the entire phenomenon poignantly, elegantly, and succinctly:


This video is stuffed full of facts like a fakenger's Chrome bag is stuffed full of wadded up newspaper. Just a few of these facts include:

--Fixed-gear bicycles have no gears or brakes;
--Fixed-gears have a "direct drive system similar to a tricycle";
--Riders "must lock up their legs and skid their bikes to a stop";
--And, according to an interviewee, "You're in total control...there's no brake levers and anything like that you have to rely on."

And so forth.

If you're the skeptical type, you may have found yourself questioning some of these facts as you watched. For example, if fixed-gear bicycles have "no gears," then why are they called "fixed-gears?" Secondly, if fixed-gear bicycles are defined by their lack of brakes, then how come one with a brake on the front rolled through the shot the moment the narrator said that?

Well, all I can tell you is, if you don't know then you were never really a part of the "scene" and you don't understand the fixed-gear experience. It's a Zen thing. You feel totally connected to the bike. By the way, here's another interesting fact about fixed-gears from the video:

"Simple bikes can do amazing things. Like riding backwards, bouncing on a rear wheel, and even standing motionless. Tricks that would be all but impossible on regular bikes."

So basically, if you're not interested in getting to your destination and prefer to stand still or bounce up and down, or you actually want to get farther away from your destination than you were when you started out, a fixed-gear bicycle is a good choice. And don't try to bounce on your rear wheel or stand motionless on a non-fixed-gear bike. I think you'll find it totally impossible.

By the way, Eugene, OR must have a terrible problem with people not cleaning up after their dogs, because there was shot after shot of riders scraping the bottoms of their shoes on their front wheels:



Anyway, this video should give you a pretty good idea of what you missed. It's like watching documentaries about the 60s and wishing you had been there so you could have partaken in all the free drugs and sex. But now it's all over. "Fixed-gear culture" has had its metaphorical Altamont. (Thanks entirely to this guy, who looks like he's about to pick his nose.) Even people already grandfathered into the "scene" are decamping. Like this guy:




Looking for a road bike for a one way trip
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-14, 1:33AM EDT

Looking to ride out to Chicago this summer. I've been riding fixies and SS bikes for a long time. Have used geared bikes for some competitions but those were borrowed from my friends. Looking for a reliable, geared bike to get me out west. Nothing special or even pretty, looking strictly for reliability. Preferably something a little older, steel framed. Looking to do a tuneup without buying specialized parts.

hit me up kiddies.

Here's somebody who's been a dedicated fixed-gear and singlespeed rider and doesn't even own a geared bike. Now suddenly he wants to ride all the way to Chicago, so he expects people to fall all over themselves to equip him with a geared bike. Frankly, I think the "geared bike culture" should turn on this person the same way the "fixed-gear culture" turned on those "TRAkTION" guys last week. I don't ride around on geared bikes exclusively, backpedaling furiously at red lights in order to rub my ability to coast in fixed-gear riders' faces (backpedaling furiously at red lights is the "geared bike culture" equivalent of trackstanding) and then suddenly demand cycledom provide me with a fixed-gear bike because I've decided I want to do Monstertrack. What ever happened to starting small?

Also, cyclists who undertake ridiculously long bicycle trips seem to think that they're performing a public service and that other cyclists should help them and encourage them. They act like medieval heroes who are going off to slay some dragon, and they expect the village to give them provisions and a big sendoff and celebrate their bravery. I couldn't disagree more. I don't help strangers with their vacations to the Bahamas, so why should I help them with their recreational bike tours? It's like this guy has only snorkeled but now he wants to do a deep dive so he's looking for someone to hook him up with a cheap SCUBA tank.

Even worse than touring cyclists who don't own geared bikes are triathletes who don't own bikes at all:





Triathlon Bike Needed!!!
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-16, 11:27AM EDT

I am entered and I am training for the NYC Triathlon in July 2009. I have been on a tredmill and bike trainer all winter long...Now that it is nice I want to get on a BIKE and get used to it before the race. I have very little extra funds for a BIKE and would like beg, barrow, or deal for one until after the race is over. I am 5'10" and looking for something that would be a good fit. Hopefully someone looking to get rid of a BIKE or let me barrow one can help.

I live in Queens and work in Midtown so I can meet almost anywhere for someone willing to help out...

Why is it that some people feel they need to go from not owning a bicycle at all to competing on one? What's wrong with simply owning and riding a bike for awhile first, and maybe doing a running race in the meantime? By the way, the New York City Triathlon is a huge event--over 3,000 people "compete" in it. I cannot imagine anything more frightening than riding my bike around thousands of anaerobic people wearing Lt. Dangle shorts, some of whom did not even own bikes prior to the event.

Anyway, there are plenty of tri bikes on Craigslist this person can purchase--like this one:



This is a sweet ride and is truly state-of-the-art:

First of all, nothing says "speed" like a disc wheel and aerobars coupled with mountain bike pedals. Secondly, note the saddle with the cutout extending all the way through the nose. This is actually a "clipless saddle system" and it's the very latest in time trial technology, though it's difficult to describe without getting too graphic. Basically, the way it works is that the rider hangs his "pants yabbies" in front of the saddle and then slides back, thus locking the crotchal region securely to the saddle--kind of like a door chain lock. In order to release, the rider simply slides forward again. Obviously, no cleat is required, as the "pants yabbies" are effectively the cleat, though you do need to wear the new crotchless cycling shorts. At the moment clipless tri saddles are only available for men, but I understand a new unisex prototype with a totally new engagement system is currently in the works (though word in tri circles is that it can severely compromise performance during the running portion of the race).

Once you've mounted the bike and you're securely locked to the saddle, you then place your forearms on the forearm pads and slowly insert the hydration tube at the front of your bike down your throat. Coming out of your aero tuck to drink can cost precious seconds, and this way you don't have to move. It may not sound like fun, but there's nothing "fun" about improving your personal best.

Lastly, I've just learned from readers that Cannondale has actually been forced to recall a number of bicycles because they are missing their pie plates:


These are pretty high-end bikes, so you'd think a lack of pie plates would be a desirable feature--kind of like seedless grapes. But no, I guess the law calls for "nerd rotors," since they "prevent the bicycle chain from interfering or suddenly stopping the wheel." Yet Cannondale is completely free to sell these pie-plateless machines.

I guess chains don't interfere with the wheel as long as they're purple.

Hard Times: Valuating the Cultural Currency of Cycling

So the economy is apparently imploding, or exploding, or some other kind of ploding. (I don't know, I'm not an economist.) The used bicycle market is also in turmoil. There are no Bianchi Pistas currently on the market in NYC, and people are doubtless holding on to them to see where all this is going. So while it's impossible to say where the PistaDex stands at this moment, one trader is willing to pay $400. That's pretty low, but the bottom certainly hasn't fallen out yet, and I for one refuse to panic.

Indeed, it is extremely important to remain optimistic in these trying times. Sure, we may start to see Pista prices fall across the board. And yes, we may no longer be able to count on our track bikes actually increasing in value as we own them. But we can always hope that if things do get ugly the government will step in. Perhaps they can offer generous tax deductions to Pista owners for "improvements" such as Aerospokes, Phil Wood bottom brackets, and Chris King headsets. And perhaps they can also offer mileage disincentives, so that these riders are discouraged from riding their Pistas and as such keep them in the "like new, barely ridden" state so cherished by buyers.

Moreover, I maintain that while the PistaDex may dip in the coming weeks overall the cultural currency of cycling will remain strong. In fact, now is a better time than ever to diversify your cycling investments into other areas. Sure, you might want to avoid things like alleycat manifest holders right now, but there are extremely positive indicators in other sectors of the cyclonomy. For example, it hardly warrants mentioning that Lance Armstrong is coming back for another stab at the Dauphiné Libéré, and that's going to result in massive spikes in sales of Dura Ace-equipped Madones, black half-shorts, helmet mirrors, and threadless stem risers. Also, let's not forget that while cycling is expensive to regular people it's actually a bargain for wealthy people, so you can expect more and more of them to pick it up as their fortunes dip slightly and they put more expensive hobbies like dirigible racing on hold. And where you have wealthy people, you have triathlons:

Here we see the guy from "Boys on the Side" getting ready for some tri training in the tailgate of his SUV. Now I realize the caption says he's training for a decathlon, but I'm going to assume that's a mistake since I don't think decathlons have cycling in them. Also, while it may look like McConaughey is removing his mandal in order to put on a cycling shoe, it's actually the other way around, as everybody knows he loves training in thongs (he sports them both on his feet and under his cycling shorts) and only wears his cycling shoes while driving.

Sure, I know I've said some harsh things about triathletes in the past. (Like how they can't handle their bikes, or shift their bikes, or really do much of anything with their bikes except clumbsily nagivate them to the place where they have to go to change their shoes like a bunch of bikini-clad Mr. Rogerses.) But again, in times like these we have to stick together. I'm not going to look at triathlons as a few miles of spazztic cycling sandwiched between the twin evils of swimming and running. Instead, I'm going to look at them as a stealthy method of delivery by which cycling can sneak itself into the cultural bloodstream like a water-borne illness. And maybe if more celebrities get the bug it will also trickle down to the people who mindlessly emulate them.

Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Who the hell is emulating Matthew McConaughey?" Well, if that's not enough celebrity for you, what about Jennifer Lopez?

That's right, Jennifer Lopez is putting the proverbial hammer down for charity. This makes me happy. It even looks like she was able to get her feet into the pedals quicker than her competitors. And perhaps most touching, she had the consideration to wear a loose-fitting garment so as not to drive any nearby Hasidim mad with animal lust.

But it's not all about triathlons, so don't go pitching your Pista quite yet. Fixed-gears still have enough cultural cachet to figure into a Japanese iPhone commercial, as forwarded by a reader:

Sure, I realize many of you live in the United States, but if you do this indicates that there is still an international market for your Pista, which coupled with the weak dollar may very well work to your advantage should you need to liquidate your supply.

And if nothing else, this also underscores the importance of staying up on the trends. It's absolutely crucial to know who wants what and where they are at any given moment if you want to sell your bike at top dollar. And staying up on bike trends is about more than just looking at cycling. It's also important to look at the trends that cross over into cycling. And one of those trends, as we saw recently, is knuckle tattoos.

Well, it would appear that knuckle tattoos are the fixed-gear bicycles of the body art world, in that they've been around a long time and they used to be pretty bold things to have, but suddenly everybody wants one, and when they finally get them they look pretty funny. The very same reader who alterted me to the "Nobr Akes" tattoo has also turned me on to knuckletattoos.com, which is sort of the fixedgeargallery of knuckle tattoos and is my new favorite website. Here are some highlights:

There is no way you'll ever regret having internet slang tattooed on your knuckles. Imagine these hands gently caressing the visage of a lover.



It took me a really long time to figure this one out. I thought it said "Slag Calm," which didn't make sense. Then I thought maybe it was a typo and should have said "Slag Clam," which could refer to the female reproductive organ of a promiscuous woman. Finally, though, I actually read the caption, and learned it said "Stay Calm," and that did indeed relax me.


Ah yes, the under-the-finger reverse knuckle tattoo. It's the left-hand drive crank setup of the knuckle tattoo world.

I thought these were the hands of a dieter and it said "Live Lite," but it actually says "Live Life."

So taken was I with all of these fine knuckle tattoos, and so much did I want to become part of this new fashion phenomenon, that I racked my brain in order to come up with my own eight-letter sentiment. I considered and dismissed such possibilities as "Trek Bike," "Pack Fill," and "Twob Rake." Finally, though, it hit me. The perfect eight-knuckle chuckle was hidden right under my nose:



Of course, I wanted to see how it would look first, so I tested it out on a sepia-toned model. Notice the "NY" and the "C" on the thumbs. Not only is it a sin to waste digits, but it's also important to differentiate myself from all the other Bike Snobs out there. I'm thinking I may go for it. Those hands would look badass wrapped around a pair of Ourys.

The Fall Guys: A Guide to Cyclists in Autumn

In the Northeast United States, the Fall is a beautiful time marked by vibrant colors, crisp temperatures, and people in wool sweaters traveling around in Swedish cars and watching trees change color. Personally, I don't get that excited about the foliage, but I do relish the effect the Fall has on the local cycling population, which changes just as surely as the leaves. If you're ever inclined to take a Fall cyclist foliage tour, here's a brief but helpful guide to some of the things you should look out for:

The Triathlete

At this point in the year The Triathlete has transitioned from short-shorts and half-shirt to full-length tights and loose-fitting long-sleeved runner's jersey (which is an outfit that is a helmet away from a pair of pajamas). However, he (or she, of course) has not yet transitioned from the 53x14 gear, nor from the "tuck" of questionable aerodynamic benefit that is less Pro Tour time trialist than it is pedantic professor resting his elbows on a lectern. Not even the vibrant colors of autumn are enough to distract The Triathlete from his or her mission of beating leisure cyclists over modest inclines, striving to improve on "personal bests," and abstaining from all aspects of cycling except for the going forward with your head down part.

The Alarmist

When the days grow shorter, the mercury dips below 65, and the first leaf turns, The Alarmist bolts upright in bed, throws open the wardrobe doors, and dons every piece of warm-weather cycling apparel therein. Before the clocks have changed, The Alarmist has changed into his balaclava, helmet cover, battery-heated booties, and three-fingered lobster gloves. If Assos makes it, he owns it. If they don't, Craft does, and he owns that too. He lives in mortal fear of illness-inducing chills, goose bumps and nipple erections, and he dreams hot and sultry dreams of cycling vacations to Death Valley, Equatorial Guinea, and the surface of Venus.

The Polar Bear

The Polar Bear is the polar opposite of The Alarmist. This rider is either unaware of or unconcerned with the fact that cycling apparel comes in varying lengths and thicknesses for various atmospheric conditions, and his cycling wardrobe consists of one short sleeve jersey, one long sleeve jersey, and one pair of cycling shorts. He may or may not also own a neon green windbreaker for the really cold days. An opportunistic leisure rider who normally doesn't ride in cold weather but just has to get out of the house occasionally, he can be seen riding on frigid days, his legs pink with cold and his sweatsocks pulled up to the knee as he laboriously turns his triple crank at 35rpm in the big ring. One is tempted to tell him of the existence of such innovations as full-fingered gloves, hats, and leg warmers, but one is also reluctant to break the concentration as evidenced from the determined look on his chapped, frostbitten, and frozen mucus-covered face--a look he will wear for days until it finally thaws.

The Serious Roadie

Even the serious roadie takes some time every year to relax. He's no longer worrying about the season that's just passed, and he's not yet preparing for next season. He's just having fun. As it happens, this period of relaxation was last Thursday, from 12:00 to 4:30, and if you're a roadie worth your embrocations then you're well into training for next year's meaningless park races. At this time of year The Serious Roadie can be seen riding alone, or he can be seen riding with other identically-clad cyclists in tight formations designed to discourage any sort of autonomy or enjoyment. The Serious Roadie has temporarily downgraded from his $2,000 carbon race wheels to his $1,200 aluminum training wheels. He's also got either a Power Tap or an SRM, he's watching his watts more carefully than a security guard at a lightbulb factory, and he is under strict instructions from a highly-paid coach that he is not to ride hard lest he inadvertently compromise his chances for a top-20 finish in a Tuesday night Cat 4 training race, or, worse yet, enjoy himself. And if his spirit is not yet broken completely, or if he doesn't quite trust himself, he might even be riding a pair of Power Cranks, the cycling equivalent of a Victorian anti-masturbation device.

The Undersea Explorer

Picture this: you're in the woods mountain biking on a crisp autumn day. You've stopped at the top of a small incline to take a bite of food, sip some liquid, and enjoy the quiet tranquility of the forest. Suddenly, in the distance, a twig snaps, and you in turn snap to attention like a frightened deer. The snapping sound is followed by the rustle of foliage, and as it grows closer you hear an insidious panting sound. What could it be? A wounded elk? A rabid bear? Some kind of arboreal sex fiend? Suddenly, it emerges--a frogman clad all in black with a hose over its shoulder and a visor on its helmet, sitting bolt upright atop some sort of dual-suspension undersea rover, it bobs and beelines toward you, spinning a great-granny gear whose "inches" can only be measured accurately in microns. It weaves up the incline until it dismounts from the contraption about halfway to the top. Like a deer, you remain stock-still, monitoring it from your peripheral vision until it pushes the stalled vehicle up the remainder of the hill, remounts, passes, and allows you to relax again.

Velo Messianism: Who Will Save Us From Ourselves?

An irate commenter suggested yesterday that bike snobbery and elitism is killing cycling. I think we can all agree that he had a point. And I think we can also all agree that his point was wrong. Nonetheless, awhile ago I speculated in a post that perhaps a “John Lennon of Cycling” would arrive and re-unite us. So in light of yesterday’s discussion, I’ve been thinking more about this. If a Messianic figure were to come and save us, who would he be? What form would he take? And, most importantly, what would he ride? Here are a few possibilities.

David Duchovny on a Tri Bike


Monotonous actor David Duchovny, formerly of the “X-Files” and now star of “Californication,” could be just what we need. His soporific mumbling can tranquilize even the most excitable among us, and the fact that he does triathlons means we can all make fun of him instead of each-other. After all, Messiahs are supposed to suffer for all mankind. And triathlons are like cyclocross without the skill, or like alleycats without the fun. We should be able to revile the hell out of him.


The Rebbe Menachem Schneerson on a Rivendell Rambouillet


The deceased Chabad-Lubavitch rabbi is already considered by many to be the Messiah. Were he to return to Earth astride a Rivendell, I think few of us would disagree. Why the Rivendell? It goes great with the beard. Why Schneerson? Well, his sect is based in Brooklyn, and Brooklyn is second only to Portland in terms of being a cycling community at war with itself and in need of saving.


The God of Cyclocross


I don’t know who this would be exactly. All I know is he or she would be the living embodiment of the spirit of cyclocross. Kind of like how Greek gods were the embodiment various virtues and aspects of life. The God of Cyclocross would be affable to a fault, wear Crocs with wool socks, and drink beer brewed in small batches. He would also wield a pit stick like a sceptre and get on and off his bike more often than Courtney Love gets on and off heroin.


John Kerry and George Bush On A Burley Tandem


I steer clear of political debates the way roadies steer clear of gravel. But whichever way you lean politically there is no more enduring image of the 2004 election than Bush on his Trek mountain bike and Kerry on his Serotta road bike. What beautiful yin-and-yang symmetry! I feel that uniting the two of them atop a Burley tandem would somehow neutralize all hostility in the bike world. It would be like spraying a gigantic can of Static Guard on the cycling community.


Tinker Juarez’s Hair

Tinker Juarez is a legend of the sport. And according to Rastafarianism, dreadlocks are a measure of one’s wisdom and knowledge. (At least according to Wikipedia.) So logically, we can conclude that Tinker Juarez’s hair contains the power of his talent and experience. I’m imagining the hair as a separate entity which roams freely, attaching itself to the heads of those most in need of enlightenment and imbuing them with wisdom and peace. Just imagine Tinker’s hair had leapt onto the head of Congressman Patrick McHenry like an overly amorous starfish while he was making that wacky speech about bicycles being a 19th century solution to the energy crisis. He would have suddenly gotten all bike-lovey and sent an intern to buy him some panniers. It would have been like that scene in “History of the World” where Gregory Hines stops the Romans with marijuana smoke.

BSNYC Marketing Report

I think we're all in agreement on what cycling needs most. More races? Nope. Better roads? Uh-uh. Safe places to park our bikes? Absolutely not. No, what we need are more sponsorship dollars! And as a service to potential advertisers, I've compiled a primer on the three most popular forms of urban cycling to help them decide where to most effectively paste their messages. Hopefully we'll see lots more logos soon!

Road Cyclists

If you’re like most business owners, you’re thinking, “Gee, I’d really like to spend the money to sponsor a local racing team despite the fact that it will offer me no meaningful exposure or return on my investment. But my company’s logo and/or color scheme is just too darn ugly to expect anybody to wear it!”

Wrong on both counts!

Firstly, you don’t need to spend any “money” to sponsor a local road team. You see, for road cyclists, wearing your company’s logo on their kits (whether your company is the Discovery Channel or the local urologist’s office) is in and of itself a status symbol. You don’t have to actually pay the riders to wear the logo. Just offer something—anything—in return so they can justify it to themselves. 10% off on a urinalysis should do it.

Secondly, if you think your logo is too ugly, think again! These people want to look like professionals. Have you ever seen a pro road kit? Those things will make you go cross-eyed. And amateurs will do whatever pros do. Whether it’s spending $2,000 to ride the same wheels as this year’s Giro winner, injecting their own dog’s blood, or wearing a uniform that’s still completely visible after you’ve closed your eyes, these people will do it. (And that includes emblazoning your logo across their asses. Just imagine your urology clinic’s name on an amateur cyclist’s posterior. You’ll be up to your vas deferens in customers!)

(Yikes! They'll wear it though...a urologist's dream team.)

Fixed-Gear Cyclists

The urban fixed-gear scene is growing faster than any segment of the cycling population. As such, it is a potential sponsorship goldmine. Imagine an army of billboards, criss-crossing the trendiest neighborhoods in America at nearly walking speed and parading themselves in front of the most coveted marketing demographic in existence.

“But why would these soldiers on the hemmoraging edge of chic want to wear my stodgy logo?,” you may ask. Well, because they need money. When you’re a freelancer riding a brakeless $2,500 keirin bicycle with no health insurance living in one of America’s most expensive cities, you need cash for bike upgrades.

And as the canvases on which these riders express their uniquely individualistic urge to ride what everyone else is riding, these bicycles are ideally suited to carrying advertisements. Imagine a top-tube pad printed to look like a hero with the logo: “Subway. Eat Fresh!” Or a 40mm Deep-V rim covered with the URLs of soon-to-be released blockbuster films. Or an Aerospoke custom-painted to look like a Pizza Hut stuffed-crust pie.

Given many of these riders’ propensity for doing trackstands and lazy figure-eights in front of trendy clothing boutiques, restaurants, and bars, your sponsorship money will double itself overnight. Not to mention provide many a needy 20-something with gold-anodized handlebars.

(Your logo here! Or here...or here...or here...)

Triathletes

Many advertisers are too quick to dismiss the effectiveness of the “it’s so hideous I can’t look away” ad placement. Now, that’s not to say you should set up a sandwich board at the scene of a grizzly auto accident, or advertise in some repulsive periodical like “Boil Lancing Monthly” or “Bicycling.” But it does mean you should occasionally think outside the bento-box when it comes to marketing.

Which is where triathletes come in. While nobody likes to see a middle-aged investment banker in a crop-top and a pair of shorts he got from an old “Laugh In” go-go dancer riding a time trial bike with a lunchbox on the top tube and a straw sticking out of the handlebars, as humans inexorably drawn to gaping at the horrific we often cannot look away. And while these riders tend towards clothing so immodest that it makes road cyclists look like professional golfers, their pointy aero helmets and disc wheels offer sizeable surfaces on which to plaster your message. If you dare. (Note: PSAs and charity advertisements work best here. Visual horrors tend to put people in a repentant frame of mind.)

(This will scare your ass into making a donation.)

I hope this has helped you to reach a decision. We look forward to cashing your checks.