Fixedgeargallery...of top tube trends.

As 2007 draws mercifully to a close, I find myself looking back and rembering all the noteworthy things that have happened this past year. Soporific former Vice President Al Gore left his giant carbon footprint in history by winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Floyd Landis left his carbon-soled footprint in history by losing the Tour de France a year after he won it. Ted Nugent released "Love Grenade." And a man in Vermont found a condom in his Burger King sandwich.

With mere days to go until 2008, it's possible that this year may be remembered for something else as well--the year the top tube pad went out of style.

Now, I'm no optimist, and I'm certainly not one to raise false hopes. However, while they certainly won't disappear overnight, I have been seeing indications that the heyday of the top tube pad may in fact be behind us. As of today, 120 bicycles have been posted on Fixedgeargallery.com since December 1st. And of those, only four--or roughly 3.3%--have what I would call bona-fide top tube pads. Let's take a look:

Pad #1

I struggled over whether or not to count this one. Firstly, it's a polo bike, and bike polo has less in common with actual cycling than it does with pastimes like golf, ultimate frisbee, hacky-sack, and playing croquet ironically. Secondly, the owner calls it a "cum polo bike" in the description, which is just disgusting. But in the end, like the rim of an undertensioned wheel, I gave in.

Pad #2

There's no denying that the top tube pad on this bike wants to burst forth from its velcro and nylon shroud, stand up, and be counted. Certainly though its presence can be attributed to the zeal of convert--this is somebody's first fixed-gear and he can't buy enough stuff for it. But when the dust settles, the excitement wears off, and the Aerospoke has shattered, I have a feeling he will join the denizens of the naked.

Pad #3

Speaking of cheesy pads, here's someone who actually lives in one. "How can I show off my bicycle, my flat-screen TV, my audio system, my kitchy lizard toy and my sleek, modern furniture all at the same time? I know! I'll post the whole lot on fixedgeargallery!" Oh, right, sorry--the bike is for his girlfriend. That's probably the same thing he tells the cashier when he goes to Sephora and buys $75 worth of skin care products for himself. If he's waiting to upgrade the bike as she "learns to ride better," why didn't he put a brake on it? Have we broken through to a new dimension of irony where you now must master brakeless fixed-gear riding before putting a brake on your bike? In any event, while it doesn't have a brake, it does have a top tube pad. So at least when she crashes the bike won't get scratched.

Pad #4

This bike has a custom silk-screened top tube pad. So he's going to use that thing whether they're in style or not. Speaking of style, he seems to be lagging a bit behind. Hed tri-spokes are the new Aerospoke, and vintage Italian saddles are the new Brooks.

The Also-Rans

Of course, while I'd suggest anybody looking to get into the crotch-and-bike protection racket should wait and see where things are going before they jump in head-first, clearly putting padding on your top tube isn't entirely dead. In addition to the bikes above, there were others that had various kinds of wadded-up crap on their top tubes as well. However, for various reasons, I chose not to count them. Here they are:

Also-Ran #1

I couldn't tell whether this was an actual top tube pad or just a tourniquet meant to stanch the hemorrhage of ugliness. So I didn't count it.

Also-Ran #2

I did not count this one either, since it's not on a road or track frame. Rather, it's on a bike I can only think of as "Gigantitron Lite."

Also-Ran #3

I did not count this one because it's from Latvia. Just as much of the starlight we see at night is actually from long-dead suns, people in Latvia are only now adopting trends that have long since passed here. Plus, arguably it's short enough to be considered a top tube protector and not a top tube pad. Strictly speaking a protective layer should cover at least 50% of the top tube to be considered a top tube pad.

Also-Ran #4

I don't know if he's protecting his top tube from impact or from STDs, but either way rubber doesn't count.

So there you have it. Like spotting a fish in the Gowanus, it would appear that perhaps there's hope for this polluted waterway of bike culture yet. Unless parrots become the new top tube pad. This one may have been trained by Grant Petersen himself:

"Always keep your bars higher than your saddle. Skwaaawk!"

Velo Darwinism: The Evolution of the Top Tube Pad

Yesterday's post prompted a number of comments about top tube pads. Along with the front Aerospoke, the top tube pad has come to symbolize the more vain aspects of the fixed-gear trend. So much so, in fact, that there is now a backlash, as evidenced by this listserv post which was forwarded to me by a reader recently:


Someone put a cigarette butt out on my frame pad.


Last night at BAR. I hope for the sake of New Haven's burgeoning and welcoming "cycling community",that this wasn't an act performed by someone I know. Because I have to look down at that whenever I'm riding now, and know that someone in this world is a selfish dick who isn't down with OPP. However, when you see people fucking with other people's shit as a joke, and then your shit gets fucked with, the pranksters are the easiest and first to blame.


While such a backlash is inevitable, acts of top tube pad violence are totally inexcusable. Before hating, I think it's important we try to understand the origins of the top tube pad, as well as its functions. Based on feedback from readers over the past few months, it would seem the main purposes behind the top tube pad are as follows:


--Protects the frame when locking bicycle to a pole
--Protects the top tube from getting dinged by handlebars (in the same manner as, though distinct from, a top tube protector)
--Protects the groin and inner thigh when skidding
--Protects the frame when resting mallet on it during bike polo matches
--Is aesthetically pleasing to certain people


Okay. But where did top tube pads start, and how did they go from being functional add-ons to being accessories? Admittedly, I still have a lot to learn, but here's what I've uncovered so far. Any feedback is welcome and appreciated.



The obvious common ancestor of the top tube pad as we know it and hate it is the BMX pad. Rules required that top tubes, stems, and handlebars had to be padded during races, presumably so that young racers would one day grow up and be able to reproduce. In this prescient photo, however, only the top tube is padded.




The top tube pad proved to be quite adaptable, and was able to evolve to accommodate a number of unorthodox frame designs. It is most likely this adaptability which made its longevity as a species possible, and which is why it is still so common today.




But what about the crucial leap from BMXs to adult bikes, and particularly fixed-gears? It has been suggested that today's top tube pad has its origins in the messenger community. Messengers have always wrapped their frames in inner-tubes or tape to both protect them and disguise their manufacturers. But was it a messenger who first made this leap from wrapping to padding?


This amazing photo, which I uncovered while Googling in a pith helmet, could very well be the missing link between BMX top tube pads and adult top tube pads. The neon knickers and jacket, mullet, and aero water bottle indicate that this man lived sometime during the late 1980s or early 1990s. And if you'll look closely, you'll see that the top tube is either wrapped or padded, though it is difficult to tell exactly which. The downtube, however, remains bare.

It should be noted though that there are also some things about this photo which indicate it may be a hoax. For example, why would a messenger choose road shoes and pedals? And aren't the Campy components a bit lavish for a work bike? Scholars will no doubt debate the validity of this photo for years to come. Some day, maybe we'll know for sure whether this is in fact Lucy, or Piltdown Man.




Regardless, at some point somebody made the decision to use a top tube pad on an adult bike. But was it a messenger? This photo indicates it was. The pad is clearly a BMX top tube pad (as evidenced by its length) that has been retrofitted to an adult bike. And the Wings of Hermes would imply that this bicycle belongs to a messenger. However, there is the question of the date. While the Rolls is an older saddle, the "One More Bike" sticker is an evolution of the "One Less Car" sticker, indicating the vintage of the bike may be more recent. Still, the value of the photograph is indisputable--somewhere, at some point, a messenger decided to use a BMX pad on his or her bike.

But when did people start manufacturing and selling top tube pads for adult use? A commenter yesterday claims that "the first TTp i ever saw was fashioned by Cory Bennion of DANK bags in Seattle....i am gonna say it was at least in 2000." She further elaborated that the top tube pad not only protects the bike, but is useful in cyclocross as well to protect the shoulder. This is interesting. Did the first purpose-built adult top tube pad originate in the Pacific Northwest? Was cyclocross somehow involved? And does it relate in any way to these weird cyclocross shoulder slings I always see on eBay, though I've never actually seen one being used in cyclocross? Or is the shoulder sling simply a mutant, an evolutionary eddy that leads nowhere? Like so many questions concerning top tube pads, we may never have an answer.

But one thing is certain. Top tube pads became fashionable. The famous Cyndi Lauper bike gives every indication that the owner chose the top tube pad as much for aesthetic reasons as for practical purposes. And its reasonable to surmise that this fashion came from the messenger community, as the popularity of messenger bags, fixed-gears, and front Aerospokes owes much to them. Therefore it stands to reason the top tube pad would come to be similarly embraced--and embellished--as well.

And evidence remains that they continue to be employed by messengers. The STI lever shape and outboard bearing crank place this messenger squarely in our present day.

(At least, I think it's a messenger. So hard to tell these days...)

And what of tomorrow? Well, this new offering from Felt, as seen at Interbike, should help provide an answer. (Thanks to the reader who forwarded this.) Like the BMX pads of yesteryear, they will now be sold as integral parts of the bike. We have come, for better or for worse, full circle.

Make It Stop! Cycling In A World Gone Mad

Let’s face it, we live in frightening times. Toys are covered in Chinese death paint. (Word to the wise: don’t lick your bike.) Children, distraught over the end of the Harry Potter series, are killing each-other for iPhones. Jam bands are roaming the countryside, wantonly performing without hindrance. And honey bees are disappearing, yet every 2.4 minutes American Apparel opens another retail store.

As a cyclist, I do my best to ignore these ugly truths. However, the noxious paint fumes of reality seem to have permeated my little bubble—even cycling seems to have gone all “Thunderdome” these days. It seems everywhere I turn I see something that makes me think the future of cycling will resemble Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road,” but without all the sidesplitting humor. Here are just a few recent harbingers:

This Video On Makezine

The crack-addled MacGyvers at makezine.com put together this video on how to build a single-speed bike. (Or a “hipster bike,” as they so pithily call them.) Non-cycling publications and websites should keep their hands out of our pockets, and the fact that they’re not is disturbing. Factually speaking, this thing has more holes than a tandem hub. If it were a drag performer, it would call itself “Miss Information.” If I want a smug attitude and bad advice, I’ll just go to a bike shop, thanks very much. These guys are almost as bad as the Fixed Gear Death Woman.

Rampant Top Tube Pad Theft

This morning, I stumbled upon this Craigslist posting:

Stolen black/grey top tube pad in williamsburg
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2007-08-21, 12:22AM EDT

To the perosn who stole my black (outside) and grey (inside) UTW top tube pad on Bedford and North 7 on Sunday. Can you please return it to me. I'm sure it probably doesn't even fit your bike as I had it custom made for a thick 13mm top tube. I just got it and it cost me a bit of money. No questions asked. Just drop it off at KCDC skateshop on North 11 between berry and wythe for a Sel (me). I don't work there.

It'd be great if you returned it instead of throwing it out cuz it doesn't fit.

Please help me restore my faith in humanity.

Thanks. s.

Now, I’ve made no secret of my disdain for top tube pads. But the only thing worse than buying a top tube pad (a custom made one, no less) is stealing a top tube pad. That’s like walking down the street, seeing a dachschund in a sweater tied up outside, and stealing the sweater. I don’t want to bring children into a world where roving hordes of idiots are stealing top tube pads, seatpost cozies, Barbie valve caps, or any of the other crap people are putting on their bikes. If you’re one of these people and are reading this, give this poor guy his custom top tube pad back. (And if you’re the top tube pad guy, if you want to protect your frame when you’re locking it up just buy some foam pipe insulation instead.)

Eric Clapton Not Using Bar Tape

I was reading the excellent Dave Moulton blog recently when I came upon this post, which I read with interest. I then followed the link to Eric Clapton’s own blog, where I was shocked to find that his track bike doesn’t have bar tape. This is disturbing. Could he be planning to flop-and-chop those bars next? Is a custom Cream top tube pad on order? Is his inch-pitch drivetrain the next hot fixed-gear trend? Rest assured, I’ll be checking up on Eric’s blog. If I see a pair of Ourys on those bar tops, “Slowhand” Clapton’s going to become “No hand” Clapton.

Pop Culture Ooze Bubbling Up From Our Subconscious And Into Our Bicycles

Our skies are filled with greenhouse gases, our food (while admittedly delicious) is full of hormones, and our brains are full of crap. And like oil bubbling up from beneath the ground of a placid meadow, this crap in our brains is beginning to infuse our bicycles. Take this one, built by a guy who’s seen “The Nightmare Before Christmas” one too many times:

Brother Turning Against Brother

Here’s another Craigslist post that filled me with dismay for the future:

from a native NY’er to all the hipsters... (Midtown West)
Reply to: see below

Date: 2007-08-20, 5:59PM EDT

whats so cool about the fixies? please someone explain the need for everyone to ride the same bike! there are reasons for riding these types of bikes and i dont believe that most of you that ride them know what those are...they are not that cool but might get a you a ticket into williamsburg


thanks


I wish I could tell this guy to go back to where he came from, but apparently that’s here. Take it from me, being born in New York is not in and of itself an accomplishment. I know because I did it and I didn’t have a hand in it, trust me. Look, obviously most of us can relate to this guy’s frustration, but this post is the equivalent of standing in front of a brick wall and scratching the seat of your pants with a puzzled expression. Actually, this guy’s probably the Top Tube Pad Thief.

At the same time, when reading this we’re also forced to confront the fact that bicycles are now making people angry. (And yes, I know I help fuel that fire.) Hopefully one day the John Lennon of cycling will arrive on the scene and reunite us all with corny ballads and ersatz spirituality. I'm imagining a Freegan who drives a pedicab for a living and is really into composting, and after work rides a recumbent with SPD sandals which he uses to haul his garbage home from his friends' houses.

Let us all pray for that.