BSNYC Tuesday Fun Quiz: Special NYC Craigslist Edition

If you're still flush with holiday cash, I can think of no better way to flush it down the toilet than by buying bike stuff on Craigslist. Following are pictures of some items currently available on the NYC bikes for sale list. Simply study the item (if you can bear it), consider the question, and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll see the listing. If you're wrong, you'll see an image so horrifying your visual cortex will be branded for eternity. Thanks--and good luck!*

*Disclaimer: since Craigslist listings are time-sensitive, I can't guarantee the listing will still be up when you take the quiz. At the very least, though, you'll still know if you got the right answer.

How much will it cost you to "start the new year off in style?"

--$35

--$45

--$55

--$65

Bikesdirect.com sells this Motobecane Messenger for $349.95. What does the seller want for it?

--$200 or an iPod

--$225 or a Zune

--$250 or some DJ equipment

--$290 or an Xbox

$250 will buy you this set of NJS hubs, as well as the following celebrity endorsement:

--"buttery-smooth" -- Brad from Trackstar

--"retro and totally rad" -- Gina Marie from King Kog

--"superb attention to detail" -- Sheldon Brown from Harris Cyclery

--"no longer available" -- John Dacey from Business Cycles

This helmet is being sold alongside a:

--Vintage Free Agent BMX

--Kona Stinky

--Specialized Langster

--Kawasaki KLR650

No longer made, GT's entry-level track bike, the GTB, has become something of a cult item. How much does this seller want for his?

--$600

--$700

--$800

--$900

In the Craigslist universe, this bar/stem combo is considered:

--"MTB stuff"

--"trick stuff"

--"road stuff"

--"track stuff"

The seller is selling due to:

--impending move

--injury

--the need to pay rent

--disillusionment with the fixed-gear scene

Worst of NYC Craigslist: Self-Loathing Bike Love

The typical bike-related missed connection usually involves either somebody using a bicycle as a pretense to get someone else's attention, or else somebody who has noticed a bicycle which has been used as a pretense to get their attention. Essentially, the bike is serving the same purpose as a haircut, a pair of shoes, a tattoo, or even a book--it's some tuft of brightly-colored feathers which is displayed in order to attract a mate. In this case, however, something much more insidious is going on. I hope this is one of those fake posts because the reality is too much to bear:

To the woman who opened her cab door into my bike - I love you! - m4w - 24 (Midtown East) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/484174599.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2007-11-19, 10:13PM EST

It was on 57th st. last week in the AM. You were probably getting fed up with the gridlock and opened your cab door right into my moving bicycle. You put a taxi-yellow dent in my handlebars and a huge purple bruise on my arm. A vulgar expletive exploded from my lips and a UPS driver unloading packages from the van in front of us started to laugh at me. As I was checking my arm for fractures and straightening out the wheel which you had knocked out of place, I began to well with anger...that is, until I saw you get out of the cab.

You had that hurried look of tension in your body that comes from a busy professional woman who is unaware of her own striking beauty. Your hips moved wildly from side-to-side as you stepped toward me to apologize hurriedly before walking off in your high-heels, your briefcase swinging gaily with the youthfully relaxed movement of your arm. I wanted to be angry, to yell, but I could only mumble something like "It happens" or "everything is great." All I saw as you walked away was the line of your legs and the curve of your shoulder. You looked like a carefully crafted precision instrument. Your skin reminded me more of the hard shine of steel than the delicate flesh of a woman.

You could have shot me in the guts with a gun right there, and I would only pray that I could taste your lips just once before the last beat of my heart.

You may or may not be aware that there is such a thing as a "self-hating cyclist." Curcumstances have somehow conspired to convince these people that their passion for cycling is not only less important than other aspects of their lives, but that it is something dirty and wrong. Consequently, like compulsive masturbators, they practice their loathsome habit furtively and only during stolen moments--often in the wee hours of the morning, long before their friends, families, and loved ones have arisen. Many are even forced to hide their bicycles and bike-related purchases like a teenager hides a dirty magazine under a mattress. Popular hiding places for bicycles include basements, poorly-secured bike rooms in apartment buildings, overpriced storage units, and--most depraved of all--outside.

What we have here is a self-hating cyclist. (And this is not only apparent from the fact that he's got an FSA carbon stem and a pair of wing bars on a 13 year-old Cannondale.) After being doored, he was indignant--and rightfully so. However, as soon as he saw that the doorer was an attractive woman his resolve melted like Pastali on a mountainous descent. Why? Because he is insecure. And insecurity breeds self-loathing. And self-loathing makes you stammer like a kid caught pilfering from the liquor cabinet after you're doored by some woman who's rushing to get to her Cyclists Suck meeting.

In a sense, dooring is the most insulting thing you can do to a cyclist. I'd rather be actively chased by an enraged motorist "Death Race 2000"-style than doored. At least the deranged motorist acknowledges that I exist. The doorer on the other hand is completely self-absorbed and oblivious. Cyclists do not exist in his or her reality. And there's no greater form of disrespect than non-acknowledgement.

If you're a non-cycling motorist and you happen to be reading this, here is the proper procedure for exiting your car into traffic in an urban environment:

--Pull all the way to the curb;
--Check your rear-view mirror;
--Check your side mirror;
--Open door a sliver, stick something reflective outside, and check again like they do for guards in prison movies;
--Close door;
--Open it again and peek out like an adulterer hiding in a closet;
--Close door;
--Slide over console into other seat;
--Exit onto the sidewalk.

Oh, yeah, and if you're in the middle of the street in traffic, STAY IN THE CAR!

This rider should not have let her get away with this, and the fact that he did means he's got a bigger case of Stockholm Syndrome than Patty Hearst. And even if her beauty was so great as to give him pause, he should not have then posted this entreaty once he had time to come to his senses. I mean, if he wants to degrade himself, that's one thing, but at least consider the rest of us. Plus, however attractive she may be on the outside, the fact that she is a doorer has opened the door to the ugliness of her soul.

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads SPECIAL EDITION: Craigslist Dream Bike!

Every cyclist knows that moment when you suddenly realize you have enough spare parts to think about building another bike. Of course, everybody's Spare Part/New Bike Rationale Threshold is different. For some, it means having absolutely everything but the frame. For others, that sweet threadless headset top cap is just screaming to have a bike built around it. Well, I'm proud to announce that I've reached my own personal SPNBRT. I've got a pink 1/8" track chain, that 1" threaded-to 1/8" threadless stem adapter I never sent to the Kludgie guy, and a "One Day at a Time" top tube pad embroidered with randy superintendent Dwayne F. Schneider's mustachioed countenance and the phrase, "How ya doin' there, Ms. Romano?" It's fixie time!

But rather than just satisfy my own material cravings, I thought I would also use this opportunity to edify my readers. The $950 Mission fixed-gear last week led to a lot of discussion about how much bike you could build on your own for the same money. So I decided I'd (virtually) build a fixed-gear worthy of the BSNYC Seal Of Disapproval and source every single part (apart from what I've already got) from what's available right now in the New York City Craigslist bikes for sale section. So come shopping with me, and let's see what we wind up with and how much it costs:



single speed / 13ish lbs\not fixed/ 5'11" plus $1150
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-05, 11:54PM EST

54cm luciano frameset($1200)/intergrated carbon fork/carbon seatstays/carbon chainstay,carbon stem,intergrated crane creek hs,easton 70 sp, selle slk saddle,dura ace 175mm crank/spline 6500bb/3 to 1 ratio,46cm bontrager race/deep bar,ultegra brakes,mavic 1500gram wheelset/dura ace hubs/19c/alloy skewers,aero levers,chrome chain/ da cables,and speedplay peddles/new cleats. >>excellent condtion<<>

Okay, obviously the project is to build a custom bike, but when you come across something like this it's difficult to maintain your resolve. Only $1,150 and one of the sweetest dog erection bar taping jobs I've ever seen. No, must resist and press on!



will trade lmtd edirion green IRO frame with chris king H/S for ipod - $350
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-04, 12:40AM EDT

I will trade my frame fork and headset on my barely used hunter green limited edirion IRO track frame for a new or lightly used 80gb ipod......whose in?

heres pictures of it built up....ONLY FRAME FORK AND HEADSET

needs to be done by monday at the latest


Wow, frame, fork, and King headset! Tempting, veeery tempting. Of course, the size isn't listed, but I really don't care if the bike fits. This baby's only gotta get me to the bar and back. I'd probably bite on this one if I actually had an iPod to trade him. Unfortunately I've only got a slightly used Zune and a $25 gift card for the Zune Marketplace, but I'm guessing he's not going to take those.

New track/fixed gear Pake frameset - $295
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-01, 10:30PM EDT

New track/fixed gear (fixie) built Pake frameset with the following -

- Track/fixed gear Pake frame, 53cm(c-c), 31" standover height, horizontal dropouts, glossy black, removable Pake stickers

- Tange chrome 1 inch threaded fork

- Tange headset

- Shimano bottom bracket

It's all brand new, never even built beyond this.

Now we're talkin'. Like butter? Well, it's not butter, it's Pake. Still, considering this comes with the bottom bracket, fork, and headset, I think I've found my chassis.

Subtotal: $295.00

Track wheels wanted (Downtown)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-05, 6:44PM EST

Looking for a mid to high end track wheelset. Not looking for formulas,iro ect. Looking for surley,dura ace,suzie,miche ect. Hit me up w what you got.

Next up is the wheels, and judging from the above post I'm clearly entering a competitive marketplace. Fortunately, I don't need high-end hubs from companies like "Surley" and "Suzie." (They must be high end--I've never even heard of them!) I'm strictly a bottom-feeder. This is more like it:

NEW Vuelta Team Track Fixed Gear Wheel Wheel Sets SS - $130
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-03, 10:09PM EDT

Vuelta TEAM XRP TRACK / FIXED GEAR BIKE WHEELSET ~~ NEW IN THE BOX
SUPER DURABLE
THESE WHEELS ARE HAND-BUILT THEN STRESSED & TRUED 3 TIMES; JUST LIKE ALL PRO-LEVEL WHEELS. THE QUALITY OF THESE VUELTA XRP WHEELS EXCEEDS ANY MACHINE-BUILT TRACK WHEELSET SOLD. FOR TOP PERFORMANE AND DURABILITY; NOTHING BEATS HAND-BUILT WHEELS!

THESE WHEELS ARE SOLD WORLDWIDE IN BICYCLE SHOPS FOR $250 TO $350 A PAIR. {PLUS TAX} asking $130 FIRM.......[deleted]

I have no doubt whatsoever that these wheels are hand-built and stress relieved. In fact, I bet the stress relieving is done by uber-curmudgeon and serial retrogrouch Jobst Brandt himself. Plus, I'm a one-stop shopper, and these seem to come with a cog. Granted, the cog looks like it may have been cut from a Pepsi can with a pair of tin snips, but again, I don't plan to do much actual riding. Sold.

Subtotal: $425.00

Sugino "Messenger" Crankset - $80
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-03, 4:38PM EDT

Sugino track cranks plus crank bolts.

165mm length.
44t chainring.
130BCD.
uses 103-107 BB spindle.

very lightly used, excellent condition.
(new price: $95 + shipping).

Crank, chainring, and crankbolts. Done, done, and done.

Subtotal: $505.00

Bontrager 27.2 diamater 15" inch black seatpost - $10
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-05, 6:56PM EST

Bontrager 27.2 diamater 15" inch black seatpost hardly any use. call or email [deleted].

Okay, time to start watching the budget. We've already broken the $500 mark and are venturing into new Pista territory. Of course we're nowhere close to what a used one would go for on Craigslist, but still, we need to be careful. This post shouldn't break the bank. I'm just hoping its clamp allows me to really angle that saddle nose down. I want to feel like I'm on a see-saw with Queen Latifah.

Subtotal: $515.00

saddle seat
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-01, 3:59PM EDT

I have a saddle seat (7"Wx9.5"L), ideal seat to be fitted for your road bike but i suppose you can install it on your mountain bike. seatpost *not* included, just selling the seat. retails $45 new, selling for just $20. cash pick up only in the city. drop me a line if you can use it.

This, quite frankly, is a godsend. I couldn't decide whether I wanted a saddle or a seat and amazingly this is both. I didn't even realize they made those! Of course, what I really wanted was a Brooks, but we're going for Hawaiian Punch on a Kool-Aid budget. Plus, the seller graciously provides the measurements and they happen to match my crotchal dimensions exactly. (Anything else you choose to infer from that is your own business.) I'll take it--let's throw it in the cart.

Subtotal: $535.00

Deda aluminum track drops--oversize clamp - $50
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-04, 9:08PM EST

These are the stock bars on the Pista Concept. Very light. These are in good condition and I've got a nice ITM 120mm forged stem available to go with them, for a few bucks extra.

Wow, track bars and a stem! These are a little expensive, but I think I'll splurge. It's important to have genuine track bars on your fixed-gear, especially when you plan to flop-and-chop them like I intend to do. No need to worry about tape, either. I've always wanted to die like Elliott Smith, who stabbed himself in the heart. I figure one day I'll ride my slippery, tapeless, and jagged-ended flop-and-chops onto a cobbled street on a rainy day. When my hands slip forward hopefully I'll slice my wrists open on the ends of the bars and bleed to death on my fixed-gear. Sweet, sweet poetry.

Plus, I get to use my Kludgie!

Subtotal (assuming he wants an extra double-sawbuck for the stem): $605.00

MKS sylvan track pedals w/MKS clips (njs) - $50
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-04, 9:05PM EST

Clips are size M. These pedals have been used only for a short test ride. Included are leather Christophe straps. Perfect condition.

A fixed-gear without MKS pedals is like a musician without a cold sore. Sold.

Subtotal: $655.00

Bicycle Acessories - $2
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-11-02, 9:04AM EDT

TIRES:
2 x Specialized All Condition Bicycle Tire (700x28c) - $4 each
1 x Bontrager Sport Bicycle Tire (700x23c) - $4
1 x Michelin Bicycle Tire (700x23c) - $4
1 x Hutchinson Top Speed Bicycle Tire (700x23)(foldable) - $4

INNER TUBES:
1 x Pyramid Bicycle Tube (700x23/28c) - $2
1 x Bontrager Bicycle Tube (700x18/25c) - $2
4 x Continental Bicycle Tube (700x18/25c) (new in box) - $4 each

SHOES:
1 x Brand New Adidas Adistar Road TT Carbon with Carbon look Shoes. Size: 9 1/2 (US). Compatible with any Look fitting cleat or SPD-R - $30

HANDLEBAR:
1 x Specialized Aluminum Handlebar. Made in Japan. Size - Ø25.4mm. Wight - 22". Weight - 200g w/o grips; 250g with grips. Grips - O’Neal Azonic - $5

1 x 3T Aluminum Handlebar. Designed in Italy. Size: Ø25.8mm. 44cm (center to center). 145mm drop - $5

STEM:
1 x 3T Aluminum Stem. Designed in Italy. Size: 110mm. Degree: 15. Accept 25.4-26mm Handlebars. 2 bolts - $2

SEATPOST BAG:
1 x Cannondale with reflecting line - $2

BRAKE PADS:
2 x SHIMANO (R55C) (with the box) - $4 pair
2 x SHIMANO (R55C) (no box) - $2 pair

BOTTLE CAGE:
1 x Bottle Cage Black - $1

Thank you for looking.

Now to finish this baby off. For tires, I'm going for one Michelin and one Hutchinson. You can call this bike the French Tickler, because it'll be rolling on French rubbers. For tubes I'll grab three of those Contis (one spare, of course). While I'm at it, I'll also grab that saddlebag. As for brake pads, no thanks, won't be needing those. It looks like I'm done!

GRAND TOTAL: $677.00!

So what do you think? A single trip to Craiglist and I've joined the fixed-gear revolution for under $700. Not too shabby. See you at the bars! I can't wait to start upgrading...

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads #19

There are few qualities less attractive than desperation. This is especially true when it comes to Craigslist ads and bicycles. An ad that might not have bothered you so much the first time becomes increasingly objectionable with every same-day re-post and $20 price drop. This is one such ad. It seems like every time I visit Craigslist it's up there in some new iteration, and it's becoming like sitting next to some pervert on the subway who keeps putting his hand in your lap.

Fetish track/FIXED GEAR bike...less than 100 miles! 50cm - $850 (Inwood / Wash Hts)

[original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/412694325.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2007-09-03, 10:38AM EDT

Fetish Cycles Position track bike. $850/obo (extra goodies included at $850...see below) This is a custom build, and has been ridden for less than 100 miles. Bike weighs about 16 lbs!! Light and very fast. I am a bike mechanic and take very good care of my bikes. I am willing to provide service to the buyer.

OK, admittedly I'm a little uptight, but when I see "fetish," "position," and "I am willing to provide service to the buyer" in the same paragraph, my first instinct is to move on. You sure you didn't mean to put this in "Erotic Services?"

feel free to send me other offers.

In light of the above...eew.

Specs:

-frame: Fetish Cycles Position aluminum track frame, size: 50cm (decals are removable stickers!!)

Oooh, removable! That means I can replace them with stickers from companies like Fortynine Sixteen and Zoo York, as well as hilarious phrases like "My Nuts are Titanium," "One Less Car," and "This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb!" Tell me more!

-fork: carbon bladed fork (beautiful fork! check detail pic of cutout!!)

I would, but the photo looks like it was taken from space. It's more obscured than a pair of breasts on network television. From what I can see, though, I will say I've seen nicer forks on paper placemats.

-headset: Cane Creek IS sealed bearing headset

Okay.

-wheelset: Alex Crostini rims laced to Formula track hubs (these are the wheels that come on the Fuji Track Pro)

Yawn.

-Bontrager Race Lite Hard Case tires, front and rear (great grip and excellent puncture resistance)

Best tire ever.

-crank: FSA Vigorelli crankset w/48t chainring

Ugly and ISIS--my two favorite qualities in a crank.

-WTB Shadow V Progel saddle attached to Bontrager Sport seatpost

Wow, it's already attached. You are a mechanic, aren't you?

-NOTE: bar setup option: ITM Mantis 120mm road stem w/Ritchey Pro road drop bar ---OR--- Ritchey WCS 105mm road stem w/Ritchey Pro aerobase (bullhorn) bar. see pics for different setups.

In other words, you can set this up as a really ugly race bike, or as a really ugly posing bike. Sweet!

NOTE:

If you buy the bike for $850, you will also receive these extra goodies:

-both bar setups listed above (so you can change according to your mood!)

Do you have a bar setup for "irritated?" Because that's what I'm feeling now.

-Xpedo Ti SPD clipless pedals (these pedals retail for over $200!!!) email me for pic.

Yes, please email me a crappy satellite photo of your overpriced Wellgo pedals. The ones in the Nashbar catalog aren't clear enough.

-four (4) track cogs (14, 16, 17, 18), one (1) track lockring, one (1) freewheel lockring (for the flip side of the hub), and one (1) Hogan lockring wrench (cogs and rings shown in pics)

This is one (1) ugly bike. You've posted it about fifty (50) times already and it hasn't sold. Perhaps now is the time (x) to take it to eBay (eBay). By the way, unless the Hulk's making bike tools now, that's a Hozan wrench you're including.

email me with any questions, or for larger pics, or call/text [deleted]. Thanks!

Yes, please send a 5' by 10' print of this one so I can put it in my living room. I have a fetish for ugly bikes and poor photography. And I particularly like this one, because the bike looks like some hideous farm animal, and the cogs look like its droppings:

Make It Stop! Cycling In A World Gone Mad

Let’s face it, we live in frightening times. Toys are covered in Chinese death paint. (Word to the wise: don’t lick your bike.) Children, distraught over the end of the Harry Potter series, are killing each-other for iPhones. Jam bands are roaming the countryside, wantonly performing without hindrance. And honey bees are disappearing, yet every 2.4 minutes American Apparel opens another retail store.

As a cyclist, I do my best to ignore these ugly truths. However, the noxious paint fumes of reality seem to have permeated my little bubble—even cycling seems to have gone all “Thunderdome” these days. It seems everywhere I turn I see something that makes me think the future of cycling will resemble Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road,” but without all the sidesplitting humor. Here are just a few recent harbingers:

This Video On Makezine

The crack-addled MacGyvers at makezine.com put together this video on how to build a single-speed bike. (Or a “hipster bike,” as they so pithily call them.) Non-cycling publications and websites should keep their hands out of our pockets, and the fact that they’re not is disturbing. Factually speaking, this thing has more holes than a tandem hub. If it were a drag performer, it would call itself “Miss Information.” If I want a smug attitude and bad advice, I’ll just go to a bike shop, thanks very much. These guys are almost as bad as the Fixed Gear Death Woman.

Rampant Top Tube Pad Theft

This morning, I stumbled upon this Craigslist posting:

Stolen black/grey top tube pad in williamsburg
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2007-08-21, 12:22AM EDT

To the perosn who stole my black (outside) and grey (inside) UTW top tube pad on Bedford and North 7 on Sunday. Can you please return it to me. I'm sure it probably doesn't even fit your bike as I had it custom made for a thick 13mm top tube. I just got it and it cost me a bit of money. No questions asked. Just drop it off at KCDC skateshop on North 11 between berry and wythe for a Sel (me). I don't work there.

It'd be great if you returned it instead of throwing it out cuz it doesn't fit.

Please help me restore my faith in humanity.

Thanks. s.

Now, I’ve made no secret of my disdain for top tube pads. But the only thing worse than buying a top tube pad (a custom made one, no less) is stealing a top tube pad. That’s like walking down the street, seeing a dachschund in a sweater tied up outside, and stealing the sweater. I don’t want to bring children into a world where roving hordes of idiots are stealing top tube pads, seatpost cozies, Barbie valve caps, or any of the other crap people are putting on their bikes. If you’re one of these people and are reading this, give this poor guy his custom top tube pad back. (And if you’re the top tube pad guy, if you want to protect your frame when you’re locking it up just buy some foam pipe insulation instead.)

Eric Clapton Not Using Bar Tape

I was reading the excellent Dave Moulton blog recently when I came upon this post, which I read with interest. I then followed the link to Eric Clapton’s own blog, where I was shocked to find that his track bike doesn’t have bar tape. This is disturbing. Could he be planning to flop-and-chop those bars next? Is a custom Cream top tube pad on order? Is his inch-pitch drivetrain the next hot fixed-gear trend? Rest assured, I’ll be checking up on Eric’s blog. If I see a pair of Ourys on those bar tops, “Slowhand” Clapton’s going to become “No hand” Clapton.

Pop Culture Ooze Bubbling Up From Our Subconscious And Into Our Bicycles

Our skies are filled with greenhouse gases, our food (while admittedly delicious) is full of hormones, and our brains are full of crap. And like oil bubbling up from beneath the ground of a placid meadow, this crap in our brains is beginning to infuse our bicycles. Take this one, built by a guy who’s seen “The Nightmare Before Christmas” one too many times:

Brother Turning Against Brother

Here’s another Craigslist post that filled me with dismay for the future:

from a native NY’er to all the hipsters... (Midtown West)
Reply to: see below

Date: 2007-08-20, 5:59PM EDT

whats so cool about the fixies? please someone explain the need for everyone to ride the same bike! there are reasons for riding these types of bikes and i dont believe that most of you that ride them know what those are...they are not that cool but might get a you a ticket into williamsburg


thanks


I wish I could tell this guy to go back to where he came from, but apparently that’s here. Take it from me, being born in New York is not in and of itself an accomplishment. I know because I did it and I didn’t have a hand in it, trust me. Look, obviously most of us can relate to this guy’s frustration, but this post is the equivalent of standing in front of a brick wall and scratching the seat of your pants with a puzzled expression. Actually, this guy’s probably the Top Tube Pad Thief.

At the same time, when reading this we’re also forced to confront the fact that bicycles are now making people angry. (And yes, I know I help fuel that fire.) Hopefully one day the John Lennon of cycling will arrive on the scene and reunite us all with corny ballads and ersatz spirituality. I'm imagining a Freegan who drives a pedicab for a living and is really into composting, and after work rides a recumbent with SPD sandals which he uses to haul his garbage home from his friends' houses.

Let us all pray for that.

The BSNYC Used Bicycle Buyer's Guide

Admittedly I’ve been quite critical of the Craigslist bikes for sale section here. And yes, if Craigslist were a stream it would be filled with PCBs, syringes, and used car tires, and there would be a Native American on a horse next to it crying his eyes out. Nonetheless, if you know how to fish safely from this stream you can occasionally catch a good deal—especially if you’re shopping for a bike but you can’t afford something new from a shop. If this is you, here is a handy guide which should help you hook a real trophy fish:

Materials

Bicycles can be made from any number of materials, but the most common are steel, aluminum, titanium, and carbon fiber. If you’re looking for your first real bike you should know a little bit about each of them before hitting the classifieds. Here are the pros and cons of each material:

Steel

Pros: Cyclists and builders have long sung the praises of steel, citing its strength, reparability, and magical ride quality akin to being carried across a land of mattresses while on ecstasy by a phalanx of fairies wearing running shoes. Common sayings include, “Steel is Real,” “If it’s ferrous, others will be jerrous,” and “Aluminum sucks, but chromium and vanadium will get you laidium.”

Cons: Rusts, goes soft, is noodly and heavy, can give you tetanus, and eventually will turn on you and try to kill you in your sleep.

Aluminum

Pros: Lightweight, inexpensive, stiff, and strong. Larger-diameter tube size allows larger manufacturer logos and more places to display clever stickers celebrating your political beliefs, sense of humor, and favorite equipment companies.

Cons: Rides harsh. Will fail catastrophically and without warning. Seven out of ten aluminum-bike owners do not live to regret their choice of material, let alone long enough to own another bicycle.

Titanium

Pros: Incredibly strong and lightweight. Riding ti is like being carried across a land of down duvets while on opium by herd of Jell-o horses all riding lugged steel bikes with Clement tubulars.

Cons: The vast majority of titanium bikes are built of tubing purchased from breakaway republics that were once part of the former Soviet Union. These republics subsidize themselves by dismantling their nuclear weapons facilities and selling the space-aged materials of which they are comprised to the West. The result is that most titanium bikes emit unacceptable levels of radiation. Owners of titanium bikes are transforming their DNA on every ride and are unwittingly spawning an army of mutants even as you read this. In an already uncertain time, this is, quite frankly, horrifying.

Carbon Fiber

Pros: Incredibly strong and lightweight. Used in space. Space! Riding carbon fiber is like a Caribbean vacation without hurricanes, getting sand in your bathing suit, or having to look at or interact with the locals. And for chrissakes, they use this stuff in space. I cannot stress that enough.

Cons: Carbon fiber delaminates in the sun, fails catastrophically, contracts and cracks in sub-zero temperatures, is water soluble and emits a sulfur-like odor if ridden in the rain, and because of the infinite shapes into which it can be molded allows bicycle manufacturers to build and market the ugliest bicycles the world has ever seen.

Bike Fit

Once you’ve decided on a material, the next consideration is making sure the bicycle fits you. While bike shops employ a knowledgeable staff trained to convince you to buy a bicycle in a size they’ve got in stock, in the used marketplace the burden is on you to make sure a bicycle is the correct size. Here is a quick test you should perform before agreeing to purchase any bike:

First, straddle the top tube of the bicycle. If you feel a blinding pain in your genitals that was not there beforehand, or that is different from the genital pain you normally experience, then your frame is too large. In some cases, you may be able to compensate for excessive frame size by adjusting saddle height, switching to a smaller wheelset, or by employing platform cycling shoes compatible with your preferred pedal system.

If you are able to straddle the bicycle without pain, next stand straight up, grab the top tube with both hands, and lift the bicycle as hard and as fast as you can. Stop as soon as you experience severe and blinding genital pain. Then, lower the bicycle again until the wheels contact the ground. If you cannot lower the bicycle so that the wheels contact the ground without having to bend over, then the frame is too small.

Once you’ve determined the frame is the appropriate size, begin riding the bicycle. While riding, can you hold the bars, sit on the saddle, and pedal the bicycle simultaneously? Yes? Congratulations, Cinderella! You’ve found your glass slipper!

Test Ride

Okay, so the bicycle fits. But there’s more to a bicycle than that. It must also handle well and function correctly. Here are some things to look for on a test ride:

Balance

If you are comfortable riding no-handed, make sure to do so before buying the bike. A bicycle that pulls left or right could have any number of problems, including an indexed headset, an out-of-alignment frame, or an evil mind of its own. If you are not comfortable riding no-handed, then pedal the bike to a good rate of speed and leap off. If the bike continues to roll upright for more than 20 yards before veering into oncoming traffic, a parked car, or an irate pedestrian, consider that a passing grade. (You may also be able to negotiate a lower price due to the damage sustained to the bike.)

Components

While riding, make sure to go through all the gears, trying every conceivable gear combination. If the bicycle does not shift properly, it is possible that it is a single-speed or fixed-gear. If it is a single-speed, it will have no derailleurs, a lot of stickers, and possibly a bell on it, and the seller will smell of marijuana. To determine whether it is a fixed-gear, find a hill and ride down it as fast as you can. About halfway down, stop pedaling. If you wake up in an ambulance or hospital (or not at all) then the bike was most likely a fixed-gear. If neither of these applies, the bicycle is simply a geared bike that does not shift properly. Make sure the seller fixes the problem or adjusts the price accordingly.

Yourself

As you ride, look at your reflection in store windows and bus shelters as often as possible. Make sure you like the way you look on the bike. If you see someone walking by that you find cool or attractive, stop them and ask, “What do you think of my bike?” If the response is favorable, be sure to purchase the bike.

Settling On A Price

Another difference between bike shops and private sellers is that, with the latter, there’s more room for negotiation. Negotiating is the last step in buying a used bike. Negotiation is also an important skill, and one that not everybody possesses. If you’re not a good negotiator, here are some quick tips to help bolster your ability:

Always Lowball

Regardless of what the asking price is or whether or not you’re willing to pay it, start by offering a tiny fraction of it. A good guideline is to remove all figures from the seller’s asking price except for the first one, and use that as a dollar figure. For example, if someone is asking $3,500 for their Seven road bike, offer him $3. This will show the seller you are a knowledgeable buyer and he will take you more seriously.

Watch “Glengarry Glen Ross” The Night Before

The film adaptation of David Mamet’s play, starring Alec Baldwin, is a perfect blueprint for negotiation. It will also get you pumped up. Speaking to the seller in a loud, booming voice, belittling him, and making unreasonable demands is a great way to strengthen your negotiating position. Quoting the film directly is a good idea, too. Useful lines to work into the conversation include: “A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing;” “First prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired;” and “What the hell are you? You're a fuckin' secretary. Fuck you.”

Offer Pay In Change

Laundromats, vending machines, parking meters, phone booths—we live in a society where Coin is King. The fact is, you just can’t have enough loose change these days. So offer to pay the seller entirely in small-denomination coins. The higher the price, the more likely the seller will be to accept your offer.

Pretend You Don’t Even Want It

Just like dating, people want you more when you appear not to want them. Tell the seller you think the bike is ugly and that you’re not really sure you want it. Tell him you don’t even know how to ride a bike and that you’re actually shopping for a lawnmower. And make sure to say that someone down the street is selling the same bike with better components for half the price. You’ll whip the seller into a frenzy—he won’t be able to sell you the bike cheap enough!

Hope this helps. If you follow the all of the above you should be able to find yourself a real honey of a deal. You might even make a new riding buddy in the process!

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads #17: "Flattened On Delancey"

I have a number of ambitions, among them: to finish a bike race with a double-digit placing; to develop a signal-jamming device for Shimano and Campagnolo's electronic groups; and to design a revolutionary self-cleaning chamois so I can amass a huge fortune and build a mansion that will be forever known as "the house that crotch built." Becoming some kind of cycling Ralph Nader is not one of my ambitions.

However, some time ago I wrote about a fixed-gear meth lab in Brooklyn, and this Craigslist post from a dissatisfied customer perfectly illustrates what happens when a slipshod mechanic and an ignorant fashion victim collide without airbags:

RE: "Once You Ride Track You Never Go Back" DO NOT BUY! - $1 [Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/398741324.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-08-16, 5:23PM EDT

If you're thinking of buying a fixie and want to get one cheap, you may have noticed the seller posting "Once You Ride Track You Never Go Back." She sells converted road bikes out of her apartment in Brooklyn, and while her prices seem reasonable - when a good track bike / fixed gear runs around $500+ - there's a reason for the bargain: she sells absolute shit and knows it! Let me explain why buying from this person is a bad idea; hopefully to save the next poor newbie from losing a couple hundred bucks:

Firstly, let me explain that I, myself, bought a $200 converted road bike from her one evening after falling in love with it: my first tour around the block on a fixed gear blinded my investigation of the bike. Knowing what the going rate for a fixie was, I thought it was best to pick up this steal of a deal. Bike felt pretty fine when I got it, and I used to ride BMX, so I figured any bike mechanic duties I'd have to handle would be simple - as she told me, the bike will need routine maintenance like any, but it was 100% ready to go. Cool!

So, now for the downward spiral of bullshit. A week later, I'm coming up on Delancy Street at a good rate of speed, begin to slow down a bit by putting resistance on my pedal rotation, and "crack!" -- off shoots a pedal. Apparently, the shitty aluminum crank arm the bike came with was stripped pretty good, and my brisk riding ate the last thread off the arm. Thankfully I wasn't flattened on Delancy that night, but daaaamn was I pissed. So, I call her -- no call back. I call again from a different number a couple days later, she picks up. "Ohh, bring it by and I'll take a look at it." Ok, no. Not coming back to you're dungeon of an apartment for some more shitty parts - that's where i thought I'd cut my losses. I started doing research on bikes, rode more, did more research, rode more, etc. I replaced my crank arms, swapped out my bars, painted it, etc. I did, however, keep the wheels she gave me -- I wanted to get a new set, but funds were tight, etc. Anyhow, I'm out last weekend and pull an easy skid and feel my cog slip -- kind of a typical issue; assumed I needed to tighten my lockring. Well, turns out my lockring was perfectly tight, but not only that - it won't move at all. And I'm a pretty strong dude - the lockring feels like it's welded or something!! Well, surprise: It is! This moron know-nothing welded the lockring to the hub, as well as the track cog. Apparently, the weld job she did on the cog came undone and slid on the hub, stripping the threading on the hub behind a welded lockring. Can't get in there to fully investigate because, like I said, the damn lockring is welded on! Buy new wheels? Maybe. But a new wheelset will probably run me over $200, and I don't have the cash for that right now because I need to replace...oh right, the OTHER PROBLEM...

If the wheel issue wasn't enough, the headset on the bike is missing bearings and the main threading for the headset is mildly stripped as well, so it gets the shimmies every now and then when it loosens up. Such a bad look. I need to replace that too...

But...I wont. I'm cutting my own losses and deciding to save the rest of you from such an terrible CL'er. I'm in the process of building my own Cannondale the way I want, and doing it the right way. Hell, if I took any mechanic cues from the broad I bought my bike from, I'd be eating pavement by now for sure.

If I remember correctly, she lives somewhere off of Taafe -- if you show up to a loft with a big steel door and no AC, be sure to turn your ass around and run. If not only because she's sweaty and has a shitty tattoo, run because she'll waste your time trying to rip you off while chain-smoking American Spirits. You're better off on foot than on one of her bikes. Remember, folks: a monkey wrench is not a bike tool.

Do some research, ride a friend's bike, know what fixed gears are, and be something of an able mechanic if you plan on getting into the whole track bike thing. I love them, but not without a sad history of 1000 frustrations. DO NOT BUY A FIXED GEAR FROM THIS GIRL!! SHE LIVES OFF TAAFE: STAY AWAY!

This is one exciting narrative! If anybody out there works in the film industry I suggest buying the rights to this guy's story, since "Flattened On Delancey" sounds like the action/adventure/comedy "Rush Hour" type film we cyclists have been waiting for. (I'm thinking Johnny Knoxville as the hapless cyclist whose crank arm falls off on his way to the Williamsburg Bridge, causing him to lowside and skid 40 feet under a truck in a shower of sparks with a cheap Sakae crank arm still strapped to his Chuck Taylor.) Not to be too harsh on the victim here, but come on--this guy's "pulling skids" without ever having even once looked at his cog, which he only discovers was welded on after it starts slipping. (Yes, the mechanic is certainly a "moron know-nothing," but the rider's not exactly Peter Chisholm of Vecchio's either.) There's just something pathetic about riding around town on a ripoff conversion that's gradually falling apart like the Wagon Queen Family Truckster in "National Lampoon's Vacation."

But I suppose that's the consequence of something becoming this trendy; people who haven't been on a bike since they were 12 are now trying to gain entree into the exciting, color-coordinated, and fun-to-accessorize world of urban fixed-gear riding as cheaply as possible and without doing due diligence. Certainly the mechanic's a big part of the problem, but the rider is just as much to blame--at this point the fad has spread so far that even kids in trailer parks have learned enough about fixed gears to keep their own bikes from falling apart.

Don't get me wrong--I'm not saying fixed gear riding should be the exclusive domain of seasoned cyclists. Far from it. It drives me crazy when people talk about the special skills you need to ride a fixed gear. (Uh, it's the same as riding a regular bike except your feet keep moving.) At the same time, though, there is more to riding a fixed gear (or any bike) than following what seem to be the Three Commandments of Fixed Gear Riding: 1) Thou Shalt Have Thine Keys Exposed At All Times; 2) Thou Shalt Not Tape Thine Bars; and 3) A Helmet's Okay, But A Brake Is Gay.