Take a Seat: The Problem of Saddle Theft

In the past 24-ish hours, I've received a tremendous number of emails alerting me to the "dropping" of a new cycling-themed music video. It's already been posted on a number of blogs and websites, and seems to have gone what they call "virile" in Web parlance. The video is called "Performance" and features "MC SpandX," and just in case you haven't seen it yet I'm "embuttering" (that's Web parlance for "putting") it below:



Unlike that awful "Hugo and Treats" video this appears to be entirely satirical, and it's full of winking commentary. For example, while MC SpandX boasts about his superior fitness and expensive road bike and adopts the swagger of the "serious" roadie, he is in fact "palping" a triple crank and those pedals that are flat on one side and clipless on the other:

Moreover, they're bolted to a Tirreno frame which appears to still have the warning sticker affixed to the left chainstay:

And in perhaps his most knowing nod to "Classic Fred-dom," he's "curated" an ensemble which includes both half-shorts and the jersey of the Australian National Champion:

These are all clever touches (to say nothing of the fixed-gear rider's ultra-narrow bars and visible posterior crack) and I'd like very much to laugh at this video along with everyone else. However, as I watched I couldn't help thinking something was amiss. First of all, the inexpensive Tirreno road bike is used interchangeably with a Dura Ace-equipped Cannondale in the same greenish colourway:

Moreover, the video is called "Performance," and Tirreno is a Performance Bicycle house brand. It seemed suspicious to me that MC SpandX kept switching between the Tirreno and the Cannondale with Dura Ace, as if he somehow wanted us to subconsciously equate the Tirreno with a more expensive bicycle. Also, pretty much everything else MC SpandX is "rocking" in the video can actually be purchased from Performance too--right down to the Forté crabon fork. And what about MC SpandX himself? Surely a rapper this talented would have "dropped" something before this, but consulting a popular internet search engine revealed no additional information about him--though I did discover an "MC Lycra" who makes a guest appearance along with Priya on Bindha Aujla's "Yaar Kure (Twerk It)." (Hugo and Treats really should think about remixing this one.) It's almost as though his persona is completely fabricated.

At this point I was pretty much convinced that what I was watching wasn't independently produced comedy that references Performance in jest, but is instead an insidious bit of "virile marketing" wrought by Performance itself. After all, this wouldn't be the first time they've done something creepy like this. Finally, I watched the video again in slow motion, and my worst fears were confirmed. This thing's lousy with subliminal messages like a recumbent rider's beard is lousy with donut crumbs. For shame, MC SpandX. Look at this fraction-of-a-second blip touting Performance's end-of-summer blowout:


Or this gratuitous insertion of some Nashbar coupon codes:


Or this bit of mail-order trash talk:

In fact, by the time the video was over I'd received an email confirming that I'd just bought 16 of those distressingly phallic Spin Doctor "chain" cleaners (seen in use here) and a single irregular Pearl Izumi lobster mitten, despite my having no recollection of ever placing the order.

In any case, since this video is already well on its way to phenomenonia, hopefully I've at least managed to break the spell and people can continue to watch and enjoy without also falling victim to Performance's twisted scheme.

Speaking of twisted schemes, there are nefarious people in New York City who endeavor to steal saddles, which means that if yours is the centerpiece of your groupo you may need to go so far as to lock it. Indeed, I recently encountered what very well may be the most securely locked saddle I've ever seen:

When you take more time and effort to lock your saddle than you do the rest of your bike it may be time to re-evaluate your component choice. I'm all for comfort, but not at the expense of efficiency and practicality, and between the heavy saddle and the Kryptonite chain this person is carrying around like 20 pounds just to rest his own ass. But while the bicycle is bloated in the posterior department it is withered and anemic elsewhere. Note the undernourished bars:

Yes, making your bicycle a rolling showcase for your saddle comes at a price, and that price is a saddle/lock combo that weighs as much as a triple-chainring Tirreno. However, you do get pride of place in the saddle hierarchy, and for some people that alone is worth it. Note how these riders have parked in right-to-left ascending seat-cachet order with the stock Pista saddle at the bottom, the vintage Italian saddle in the middle, and the classic leather at the top:


Of course, you don't need to carry around a giant Kryptonite lock solely for your saddle. You can also use two u-locks, as in this photo which was recently forwarded to me by a reader:

Yes, that's way more convenient.

Still, people love Brooks saddles--so much so that Brooks has "collabiated" with a wallpaper artist (because nothing says "cycling" like "wallpaper") to make this thing, which I saw recently on fixed-gear freestyle impresario and collabophile Prolly's blog:
Apparently the wrinkles are supposed to represent the topography of Alpe d'Huez, though they really just look like buttsweat-induced creases, and at first I glance I thought this one was pre-distressed from the factory. In fact, I recently stumbled upon this YouTube video of a Brooks saddle-distresser on her way home from work. Unfortunately, it seems certain fetishists have learned that Brooks saddle-distressers tend to possess certain physical attributes, and as such they've taken to loitering outside the factory with video cameras.

Here's some more Brooks love. This photograph from the Brooks site was taken moments before this couple was tragically crushed to death beneath the weight of their own loaded touring bikes:

On a quiet beach at night, nobody can hear you whimper--especially when your chest is compressed by 60lbs of pannier and the nose of your B17 is crushing your thorax.

Still, Brooks saddles certainly make more sense for touring than they do for urban riding. In the city, you're much better off going with something cheaper. However, there is such a thing as too cheap, as you can see from this photograph, also forwarded by a reader:


Sure, you may not need 20 pounds of lock:


But you do need a lot of electrical tape.

Public Servitude: Making the Streets Safe for Absurdity

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Trendcycles: Evolution or Reiteration?

Further to yesterday's post, in which I addressed the condom grip trend, an astute commenter by the name of "Fierce Panties" challenged me. "To say trend would imply that you have seen the [condom grips] more than once. Please clarify." Well, I admit that I was liberal in my use of the word "trend," and while I have seen a condom stuffed inside the hollow axle of a SRAM crank, I have not seen the condom grip apart from that one time. But rest assured, condom grips are a trend. In fact, it's an international trend. Another commenter from Barcelona (that's in Spain) points out that a company indeed markets handlebar condoms to protect riders who use their apparently filthy bike-sharing program:

Now, I don't understand Spanish (I took Creole in high school) so I ran the text through an online translator and learned the following:

That is Cyclean®? It is a disposable, sanitary, and protective case, that avoids the direct contact of our hands with the handles. Its use is recommended in bicycles or machines that are being utilized for many people. Why is necessary? One of the most important elements in our relation with the bicycle are the handles, where we support us, we catch, we touch, with our own hands. A so usual action, that is to be caught and to touch, itself should not become something that damage us. Cyclean® is an element that avoids the direct contact with the handle. That protects us? It avoids that the hands have direct contact with the possible filth. It avoids the contact with the humidity, sweat, etc. Barrier of prevention to possible contagions as: pinkeye, gastroenteritis, colds, etc. Cyclean® has been designed to provide hygiene and comfort.

I agree wholeheartedly that to be caught and to touch should not be something that damage us. I also eschew direct contact with the possible filth, and I live in constant fear of bicycle-borne pinkeye. Pinkeye is a dreaded affliction that breaks out wherever bicycles are shared. Cyclocross pits, velodromes, and the aptly-named "dirt demo" at Interbike are all hotbeds for pinkeye. The only reason you don't see it in the pro road peloton is that the mechanics change riders' bar tape on an almost daily basis. Otherwise pinkeye breakouts would be a common occurrence, and the uninformed observer would think the riders had been doing bong hits in the team bus.

Another international trend is fork-only locking and using filth to deter thieves (the third advantage of the condom grip). A reader in Gothenburg, Sweden has forwarded me this photo, which displays a bike that is not only locked by its fork, but also has a rear rack containing what appears to be used toilet paper and plastic bags:

Apparently, this bike has remained untouched for some time, despite the fact that it would be easy to steal. According to the photographer, it is also "right next to the city museum, where great Swedish inventions are on display." Coincidentally, we have a museum in Brooklyn where great Swedish inventions are on display, too. It's called "Ikea," and it's absolutely amazing. They even have tables that fold! I often park my Empire State Courier there, pile medical waste on it, and browse for hours. It's truly inspirational.

Meanwhile, back in the USA you'll find this bicycle, which was forwarded to me by a reader who offers a compelling analysis:



This cell-photo was taken in front of the Santa Clara County Hall of Justice and has been there for three days untouched. The bicycle owner must have lost whatever court case they had ridden to the court case for and must now be imprisoned. I'll bet his second biggest worry right now is the safety of his huffy (the first being how to get the soap off of the floor).

Or perhaps this bicycle securing job the work of a genius or just some human-spider spawn that casts a web over their beloved huffy but lacks the dexterity of fingers and opposable thumbs to tie knots?

I can't make a judgement as to the percentage of genius or arachnid of the owner as I haven't seen them. But it's worth it to note that the sort of sharp objects required to cut small diameter rope are not allowed in the courthouse so most people who pass by this bike won't be carrying them. This means that stealing this bike would require at least 35 seconds to unwrap all of the rope, make a small loop at one end and push the other end of the rope through that end before you could ride down Hedding street past the county jail on your stolen huffy with a lasso twirling above your head yelling "YEE-HAWWW!!!" loud enough to drown out the squealing drive train.

I agree that this bike's owner must be come kind of spider genius. In a sense, he's also using the "filth deterrent" method, since the word "Huffy" is nearly as repulsive as a used condom.

And speaking of international trends, the hottest one going at the moment is the pie plate. None other than Jack Thurston of London's The Bike Show informs me that Dawes is now offering a single speed/fixed gear that comes with a stock pie plate:

I'm guessing that the rear wheel has a flip-flop hub, though it's difficult to see whether the fixed side also has a pie plate. A flip-flop hub with dual pie plates would truly be an abomination. Meanwhile, also from England, comes this bike, which has a user-installed, fixed-gear pie plate:




Hi there Dennis Love the site. Thought it about time I sent in pictures of my cool whip. Started out as a £45 bargain Raleigh. Stripped off the gears, sprockets taken off by my LBS, and fitted a 14 toother. Like the breaks although back currently broken. Better learn to skip stop fast!! I'm rocking 42:16. This bike really is the cheese - fierce and fast. I've left the protector on - had my fair share of chain off moments and I want to look after those spokes. I'm around Birmingham, England. Hit me up if you see me. Cheers then.

Unfortunately, I'm having trouble believing that this is a naturally-occurring FGPP. My suspicion is that this particular "Cool Whip" is a plant. I agree that it's "the cheese" (which is what Cool Whip becomes if you leave it out in the sun), but the use of "breaks," "rocking," and "fierce" in the same submission just seems too unlikely to be sincere. Actually, it sounds almost exactly like Perscattante's catalog copy for their Courier Series. But maybe I'm just in denial. For years I dreamed of seeing an actual FGPP, and now when I do I refuse to believe in it. It's sad--I should be ecstatic, but instead I find myself experiencing a "chain off moment" of the soul. Perhaps I need some kind of spiritual pie plate.

And really, if the pie plate is a symbol of anything, it's a symbol of mainstream acceptance. For a bike to come stock with a pie plate means it was probably mass-produced either by or for a large company. Yet even though we're only now beginning to see pie plates appear on road-going singlespeed/fixed gear bikes, their metaphorical "pie plate moment" really came long ago.

But the fixed-gear trend has since begat the fixed-gear freestyle trend. Will that too see its "pie plate moment?" I don't know, but I do know that this is a watershed moment in the FGF world, since Milwaukee Bicycle Co. in conjunction with streetwear enthusiast and fixed-gear freestyle apologist Prolly is about to "drop" this:


In many ways, fixed-gear freestyling has been retracing the same steps BMX took 20 years ago, so it's hardly surprising to see the Potts Modification. Yet even for a staunch advocate of brakes like me, this bike raises a question: if fixed-gear freestyling is about being able to pull off tricks with a fixed drivetrain and no brakes, what happens when you add brakes to the equation? Doesn't the fixed drivetrain go from being the element that defines the bike to simply being a contrived handicap? If you want to do tricks and you've already got brakes, why not just go all the way and use a freewheel too? And doesn't that bike exist already anyway?


It seems to me that a fixed-gear optimized for tricks would look a lot different. Actually, that exists already too. It looks like this:


But those are both specialized bikes, and I know and appreciate that Prolly's motivation is a bicycle that one can use to participate in all the various facets of trendy urban cycling: fixed-gear freestyling; alleycats; bike polo; and even commuting. This would make it sort of a hipster Swiss Army Knife. But does that make it truly versatile, or just something with a small blade, a lousy scissor, and a magnifying glass you never use? Bikes seem to be at their best when they're somewhat specialized.

In any case, it will be interesting to see if the new Milwaukee becomes the basis for an entirely new bicycle segment or simply the flat brim fitted cap-wearer's equivalent of a hybrid. One thing, is for sure, though. With this bicycle the fixed-gear freestyler has finally divorced itself entirely from the track bike. Even the Brooklyn Machine Works Gangsta Track now looks quainly "tracky" in comparison. Will it be relegated to the bike rack of history, along with the hybrid and the mixte?



Whatever happens, things tend to work themselves out. Not too long ago, the forces of gentrification seized upon track bikes and started accessorizing them with candy colors and riding around on them while dressed like teenage girls. Finally, this fashion has actually found its way to the appropriate demographic, as you can see in this photo shoot from Teen Vogue, forwarded by a reader:


Now that makes sense.