In The Air Tonight: Weird Cycling and Bike Love

Cycling has a rich and smarmy history of Casanovas. And when love and bikes collide, it can be difficult to tell the butterflies of excitement from the waves of nausea. Just a few of cycling's more amorous characters over the years have included:

Mario Cipollini, the man who proved you can use the same lube for chain, coiffure, and coitus;

Amir, the lovelorn financier, who considering the state of the economy may by now have lost his shirt (much to the delight of female cyclists everywhere);

And of course Floyd Landis.

If you're a female cyclist and you've somehow managed to elude all the suitors above, I must warn you for chastity's sake that you should not allow yourself to grow complacent. Because there's a new low-riding lothario on the scene, and there's a very good chance you won't see him coming until it's too late and he's already beneath you. That's right, he's on the make--and he's riding a recumbent:

If you're unfamiliar with the recumbent, it's similar to the bicycle in that it has two wheels and it's human-powered, but it's also very different in that you kind of lie down on it. Also, it replaces the saddle with a lounge chair and your dignity with a big gaping hole. This particular fellow is looking for one particular lady, but that doesn't mean the rest of you are safe:

Looking for tour de bronx asian girl - m4w - 30
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-20, 8:27PM EDT

This past sunday ( Oct 19 2008 ) I was volunteering at the Tour de Bronx on my strange looking bike. There is a cute chinese girl riding the 40 mile route. Unfortunately I didn't get your contact info.. That's me on the left and the girl on the right is the one I'm looking for.. ;>

I would like to meet you and get together for lunch/dinner sometime soon.

Our would-be wooer did not get this woman's number, but he did manage to take a photograph of her and post it on Craigslist, which I regard as both putting the recumbent before the horse and just plain creepy. Even creepier is the vantage point of the photo, which is taken from below and suggests that he may have shot her while he was actually riding the recumbent. (Or in flagrante recumbo, as they say in 'bent circles.) I'm sure as he rolled by he assumed a seductive pose and perhaps even reclined imperially:

She's smiling in the photo though, so he must have captured her milliseconds before the look of abject horror crossed her face. Then again, she may have actually been charmed by his recumbence. After all, my own Ironic Orange Julius Bike is a plain old upright, and people only regard me with thinly-veiled disgust. (Though that may be due to my new handlebar accessory.) Perhaps I could curry a bit more favor on a rolling La-Z-Boy.

Clearly, though, freaky and perverse cycling is in the zeitgeist right now. A reader has just informed me that the 2008 Indoor Cycling World Championships is set to begin on Friday in Dornbirn, Austria. As you can see from the official site, "artistic cycling" is just one of the disciplines you can find there. There's also Radball, which is to bike polo what artistic cycling is to fixed-gear freestyling, and which should not be confused with either Madballs, Madball, or my new handlebar accessory. Best of all, it looks like there will also be live music of some kind:

I don't know who these guys are, but they're probably the Austrian Madball. In any case, it's exciting. And with the UCI overseeing things, you can be sure that the drug restrictions will be even tighter than the unitards.

But when it comes to the zeitgeist, the only scent heavier than that of freaky and perverse cycling is that of Obama-themed fixed-gears. Just a week after the last one comes another:

Fashion-based fixed-gears aren't always the best transportation vehicles, but they make excellent marketing vehicles. And among fans of fixed-gear fashion the Obama brand is almost as hot as Nitto and Sugino. (Thanks at least in part to his "youth marketing agency.") I was especially moved to see that the designer, Tristan Eaton, is a "vinyl toy designing auteur," because if there's two things toy designers know it's bicycles and politics. This should catapult Obama right into the White House and the rider right into an oncoming car.

In the interest of fairness though I'd love to see Eaton design another bike for McCain. Then he could really use those toy-designing chops. He could even incorporate a few Madballs.

Worst of Craigslist: Diaphanous, Intoxicated, Self-Promoting Bike Love

The sitcom of life has not paused once for a commercial over the past few days. Instead, zany madcap scenario after zany madcap scenario has played itself out on our city's streets. And, tragically, all too often a bicycle was involved. Here are just a few that would prick up the ear of Norman Lear:

sidewalk sale on metropolitan, saturday - w4m - 24 (williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/658887209.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-27, 11:47PM EDT


i was walking my bike and looked briefly at some fabric you had out on the sidewalk. you yelled out that i should take them now for 25 cents. i said i'd be back and you yelled that again.

you were sitting with a girl and maybe she wasn't your girlfriend? cuz, i think you're cute.


Despite the fact that fixed-gears are ostensibly all about simplicity, people are putting anything they can find onto them. (Except for brakes and derailleurs, of course.) Popular accoutrements include reading material, leather tourniquets, pipe insulation, foam blocks, and of course bits of knotted cloth. (The latter example also sports a tennis ball in the spokes for impromptu tennis games, a saddle/security system with a combined weight of 14lbs, and a stem that looks like a phallus during a routine medical checkup or after a cold swim.)

I like to think that this particular cyclist was browsing fabric sales in search of diaphanous schmatas with which to adorn her bicycle so that it might attain that Stephen Tyler’s Mic Stand/Stevie Nicks look that’s currently in vogue. It’s about time bike fashion went beyond simple top tube pads and bandanas to full-blown haute couture. Who knows? This poster may be a pioneer of Pista Pret-a-Porter.

I lost my keys last night b/c I can't ride my bike when I'm drunk (park slope/prospect heights) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/658131871.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-27, 11:51AM EDT


Please take pity on me: I thought I would ride my bike home last night from the bar, but since I grossly overestimated my biking-while-drunk skills, I paid the price. Not only did I fall over on my bike practically as soon as I got on (meaning I have very painful limbs and joints this morning and will soon have some awesome bruises), I somehow LOST my keys and beloved keychain. Obviously it would be incredibly convenient to get my keys back, but what pains me the most - even more than my knee, which is a lot - is the loss of the keychain I got as a gift years ago. It's a little metal soccer player man, and it says "BEB" on one side and "Brazil" on his hat. If you find it, PLEASE contact me to return it. I will be eternally grateful.

Thanks!!

Firstly, I’d like to state unequivocally for the record that I’m against cycling while intoxicated. If you must ride a bicycle to a bar, make sure it is a tandem and that you’ve got a designated captain who will remain sober for the evening. Obviously this person is lucky to have only lost his keys. That said, I did also find the following posting in the Craigslist “Lost and Found” section and can’t help thinking they’re related:

"Hi. This is a bit embarrassing, but I woke up Sunday morning with some abdominal discomfort after a bout of heavy drinking, and it turns out that somehow a Brazilian novelty soccer keychain must have made its way into my body cavity during the course of the night. (The last thing I remember is chants of “Forza Brazil!” and a lot of metallic jingling.) If for some reason you still want it back, please let me know. I’d also appreciate your reimbursing me for the medical expenses I’ve incurred."

Of course, it’s also possible that they’re the car keys with which bike blogger, Aerospoke enthusiast, and fixed-gear flim-flam victim Michael Green was duped. In any case, it’s an intriguing but potentially disgusting mystery.

You were riding a bicycle - m4w - 20 (Midtown) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/654111052.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-24, 12:12AM EDT


So, I saw you riding your bicycle in Central Park up around the 70th or 80th Street Area on the West Side... you had blonde hair, and bluish eyes from what I could tell. I don't remember what you were wearing... but I was wearing deep navy blue dress pants, a light blue colored shirt, and a plum colored tie. I was carrying around my black handbag on my left shoulder which says "NYSE" on it. You passed me by on the bike while smiling around 4 PM something... and then looked back at me after you passed. Then, around 5 PM something, after I walked from the middle of Central Park to Central Park South, I saw you pass by me again on the bike path. Again, I recognized you as soon as I saw you, and then I turned my head to see you... you were already about 100 feet off or so, and then you looked back at me, I'm *certain* it was because you had remembered me from before. I'd be absolutely AMAZED if we met again. Perhaps I will go for a walk in the park tomorrow as well and see if I see you again, same place, same time. I've included pictures below so perhaps you will recognize me.

It’s all too rare that a Missed Connections suitor actually includes a picture. Usually they limit their postings to a description like “I was the guy on the sidewalk wearing the shirt and the hat. If you see this hit me up.” In this case, though, we get full disclosure. In fact, the poster barely knows what his dream girl looks like. She had “blonde hair, and bluish eyes from what I could tell,” and he doesn’t even remember what she was wearing. But he sure remembers what he was wearing! He even makes sure to mention the NYSE bag so we know he’s somehow affiliated with the stock exchange. Amir seems to be casting a wide net intended to ensare any fair-haired female cyclist in Central Park looking to date an aspiring young stockbroker or financier. Let’s take a look at his photos:






Ah, the old "hold the camera away from you" self-portrait. An endearing classic.








The "camera-phone-in-the-mirror infinity shot." Mind bending, and an indicator that perhaps the soul of an artist lies beneath the eggplant-colored shirt and conservative exterior.








Wow, a professional headshot! With credits! This may be the world's most expensive Craigslist posting.






Another professional headshot. The first one was for professional networking use, but this one's strictly for the ladies. It's meant to highlight his sex appeal and dashing good looks rather than his business acumen. It's also useful for when Hollywood comes calling. With this shot it's entirely possible that Amir's Craigslist posting budget has officially exceeded the $1,000 mark. That's a lot of money--you can almost buy two well-used Pistas on Craigslist for that kinda scratch! I only hope it pays off for him. I have a feeling this kid is going places.

Worst of Craigslist: Disparate, Desperate, Borderline Criminal Bike Love

Yesterday New York City was fairly oozing with Springy goodness like an overstuffed vernal jelly donut, and if you live here and own a bike you were out on it yesterday after work. Every conceivable type of bicycle and rider was on display, and it was a glorious sight to behold. In fact, I even got to see that rarest of flowers: the rider wearing a sleeveless jersey and armwarmers. There is no surer sign of fair weather than this, and I simultaneously wanted to rejoice and vomit. (In the end I did a little bit of both.)

Given the warm weather and the robust Pistadex of 550, it would stand to reason that there would be an uptick in bike-related Missed Connections, and a brief visit to that section of Craiglist proved that this was indeed the case. Here are just a few of the more disturbing ones:

looking for the one! - w4m (Greenwich Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637889623.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-11, 12:19AM EDT

I'm a bit of a workaholic, but I truly enjoy my profession. My spare time is spent at the Cards' or Blues' games, on my mountain bike, working on my house, reading and doing crossword puzzles, spending quality time with friends or my small zoo of pets. I love to volunteer for a few special causes. As far as entertainment goes, I primarily like comedies and I love a good stand-up performer. My TV must haves are Rescue Me and Weeds. I love the fiction of Carl Hiaasen, Lawrence Shames and Tim Dorsey although I am currently on a nonfiction kick. I am a huge fan of red wines, especially zinfandels and pinot noirs, and I love going out to new restaurants. I'm sarcastic as a rule, self-depricating, goofy, and sometimes too honest for my own good. My only requirements are someone with a good sense of humor and must love animals. Beyond that, I all depends on chemistry. Still interested, drop me a line.

The reiteration of the animal caveat here is disturbing. I get a sense that many a relationship has ended prematurely due to the menagerie in which this woman apparently lives. In fact, it's obvious to me that this ad was written by "Being John Malkovich" Cameron Diaz. So if you're considering answering this ad, it's a tough call. On one hand, it's Cameron Diaz, and even with the frumpy hair and wardrobe you could do a lot worse. (Kind of like getting a good deal on a nice frame because it's got a mediocre component group.) On the other hand, well, there's having to change monkey diapers. So I leave it up to you to decide.

Well done!! An exceptional showing..ladies girls and women of NYC (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637657211.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-10, 5:07PM EDT

This is a personal Thank You to all of the exceptional ladies who graced this warm and lovely day with their warm and lovely persons..All of you should really take a bow.

I took the day to make my first serious bike ride through the city..and I wished I had a camera every moment.
The beauty with the dark hair who was just starting to feel the sun..her black curls and lovely tan skin gracing our somber air space on 13th street.(okay..i flirted shamelessly I admit it)
The beautiful women..with their teenage daughters..showing the younger generation what it takes to be ...just simply sexy!
The blondes who were having a field day with the sunshine...
The asian girl at the entrance of central park...her bare legs under her skirt recovering from the morning goose bumps..

such a day..from my observations, 10% of you just put your heads down and let the warm weather clothes be your guide from the moment you went out...just braving the morning chill(freezing your asses off)
The other 90% found the clothes of winter peeling away...

All of you finding a place to grace the sunshine..making it shine the brighter.

A truly lovely day.....from a devoutly appreciative man..

There are times I feel nothing but sympathy and compassion for the women of New York City, and this is one of those times. I can imagine nothing worse than being pursued by some leering, slavering, cat-calling letch on a bicyle, his hormones raging like buttermilk in a churn due to the weather and the sight of a little skin. This guy is definitely a Post headline in the making: "Pedal Perv Pants at Skirts." So if you happen to see a portly bug-eyed middle-aged man on a department store Magna drooling, call the authorities or simply immobilize and restrain him if you have the equipment. I realize this describes most Magna riders, but for the sake of our city's women we can't be too careful.

looking for a girl with amazing Bright red hair - m4w - 33 (Greenwich Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/637223397.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-10, 11:36AM EDT

Was riding my bike yesterday up 6th ave when I stopped at the red light and watched you and your amazing hair cross the street at W 4th around 3pm. We exchanged glances. I was the crazy looking guy on my old green schwinn with shaggy hair, ray bans, and a flourescent orange camo trucker hat, khaki scarf.
You were dressed in greys and blacks with a beret like hat, your day glow red hair peaking out. fair skin and an elegant nose.
Biggest mistake of an otherwise perfect day was not stopping you to ask if you'd had lunch yet when we exchanged glances. speachless.
Don't know who reads these things but if you know this girl help me find her.
thanks

It's interesting that he specifies "you and your amazing hair" were crossing the street. Was the hair not on her? Was she carrying a wig across the street on one of those syrofoam heads? Was she being trailed by a little red merkin with legs? Personally, I'd like to see these two get together since they sound like they'd make a visually stunning couple. So if you know any wig-toting women with elegant noses (and possibly pet merkins) drop this guy a line.

The girl in black on 14th st. around 2:00pm - m4w - 23 (Union Square) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/636703029.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-09, 8:59PM EDT

you: tall girl, wearing all black. standing on the corner of E. 14th st. and Union Square E. waiting for the signal to change while looking arrestingly beautiful. if the sartorialist was around, he definitely would have been photographing you.

me: long hair, in a grey hoodie, blue jeans - walking up to the corner with my bike. i turned down broadway and thought about you all the way to brooklyn.

i was running late, or i would have asked you to have a cup of coffee with me. maybe another time?

if you get this, email me and tell me what color my bike was.

"Is 'Pista' a color?"

Worst of NYC Craigslist: Full-Blown Bike Love

Ah yes, Craigslist Missed Connections--a soap opera wrapped in a reality show cultivated in a Petri dish.  Personally, I'm simultaneously fascinated and disgusted by the role bicycles so often play in human courtship.  If you've ever seen the goofy, awkward mating dances certain birds perform you've got some idea of what's going on out there on our city's streets.  Here are a few mating dances that appear to have been choreographed by a highly intoxicated Cupid:

I see you around everywhere - w4m - 23 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/623666182.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-03-30, 12:51AM EDT

There hasn't been a good time to say hi yet. I often see you at work. You are tall and lanky. I saw you today walking your bike in Williamsburg.

Oh, yeah, that narrows it down. Williamsburg is an entire neighborhood of lanky bike-walkers. Bicycles are to Bedford Avenue as poodles are to Park Avenue, and their owners parade them up and down the sidewalks, the cranks of their fixed drivetrains idly churning like a bemused dog's tail. Of course, Williamsburg's gotten expensive now, and some of the residents without parental support have actually been forced to go and get jobs. Consequently, a cottage industry of bicycle walkers has arisen so that owners can make sure their bicycles are still paraded around the neighborhood during the day while they're off toiling. I'm pretty sure what's happening here is that our poster has become enamored with a professional bike walker.

FOODSWINGS SUNDAY - YOU, GLASSES AND RED TRACK BIKE - m4w - 23 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/627139351.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-04-01, 10:53PM EDT

Uh, well, I walked into foodswings during their anniversary on sunday, you had a black hoodie, dark hair, black backpack (with a red light on it) and glasses. you were with a friend of mine named alex. i was the guy who walked in with a friend, wearing the grey raincoat, black hoodie, hat and crusty black pants with a yellow messenger bag. we made eye contact that seemed pretty intense.

later on havemeyer you were on your bike, we were across the street from each other, but made eyes for a majority of the time we were crossing paths.

youve been on my mind since, who are you?

I had to employ a popular internet search engine to learn that Foodswings is a "vegan fast food" establishment, and not some kind of actual swing where you grab an onion ring with your mouth at the apex of your arc. It's located in Brooklyn's ever-growing Ironic District, next to the tax return service for unemployed people and the nail place that does "anti-cures" (which involves distressing the fingertips of people who graduated from schools like Oberlin and Bard so it looks like they perform manual labor and they can tell people they've restored their Lambrettas themselves).

At any rate, why doesn't the poster just ask his friend Alex who this woman is?  And why would he advertise that his pants are crusty?  That to me is an indication of a very nasty sexually-transmitted disease.  And what's with the raincoat?  Maybe he's a serial public masturbator.

bike messenger with big glasses - w4m (Downtown) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/627351747.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-04-02, 7:03AM EDT

you're the most handsom thing on two wheels in new york. The kind of baffling beauty that surpasses itself perpetually. And when you gust passed me, I felt you in the tips of my toes.

Wow, the most "handsom" thing on two wheels?!? I thought this was the most hansom thing on two wheels!  Maybe our fetching messenger is indeed delivering missives in the manner of a Louis XIV-era courier, dashing about town in a hansom cab and a powdered wig and unfurling lengthy pieces of parchment from which he reads aloud.  Indeed, perhaps this is the hot new trend in messenger services.  "Hear Ye, Hear Ye!  The Elite Modeling Agency wishes it to be known that they have the perfect model for your ad campaign, and I come bearing etchings of her in her frilly underthings.  Now, I shall require room and board for the night as well as a stable for my horses.  I shall embark upon my return to 23rd Street first thing tomorrow morn."  It would certainly make alleycats more interesting.

RE bike messenger with big glasses - w4m [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/627362468.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-04-02, 7:35AM EDT

"felt me in the tip of your toes" huh? that is so sweet and nice. Thanks. Get at me, and I'll let you feel me in the back of your throat as well.

Uh, OK, maybe I was wrong about the whole courtly messenger thing.

Worst of Craigslist: Hot, Vernal, Allergy-Inducing Bike Love

Stopping in at the Fixedgeargallery recently, I saw something which chilled me quicker and more deeply than a Sub-Zero wine cooler chills some whiny Upper East Sider's Chardonnay:

According to the photographer, "Spring is trying to get unsprung so I took a ride up the trail today only to spot two cool fixies locked up on the Loughborough Mill sign . The Red one is a De Bernardi Track Bike with Deep V rims and rise bars, the black a Spicer with an aero wheel and flat bars. On the other side of the bench is my Raleigh fixie, which took me 26 miles r/t on the trail today instead of doing a conference call . What could the hipsters who own these be doing in the woods on a Tuesday afternoon?"

Yes, what could they be doing indeed? There are a number of possibilities, and each is more disturbing than the next. Here are just a few of the most obvious scenarios:

--They're taking a fixed-gear spirit journey in which they light a fire, speak incantations, and try to divine what the next pant style will be from the way the smoke whisps curl. (My money is on surgical scrubs fastened at the waist by a length of garden hose.);

--They're filming an independent movie called "The Blair Fixed Project" that will be the toast of YouTube;

--They're mating and will eventually reproduce;

--They're abandoning their fixed-gear lifestyle wholesale and embarking directly on the newest trend, organic farming. (Representative quote from the article: "Having a cool cheese in your fridge has taken the place of knowing what the cool band is, or even of playing in that band," she said. "Our rock stars are ricotta makers." Obviously this article annoyed me tremendously, though I confess I would kind of like to see someone smash or melt a giant cheese onstage.);

--They want to become fixed-gear mountain bikers so they're doing recon on foot. (Why must some people apply fixed-gears to every style of riding, regardless of how ill-suited it is? People have to try everything with a fixed-gear the same way teenagers have to try everything stoned. "Dude, but have you ever clipped your toenails high?!?")

--They're part of some kind of "Young Goodman Brown"-esque cabal that meets in the woods with designs to hasten the coming of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse and the Apocalyptic Alpaca.

(image by erik k)

Well, whichever way you slice it, it's olive loaf, and it's disgusting. Figuring that Spring is at least partially to blame for this behavior, I nipped over to the Craigslist Missed Connections to see what kind of bike-related depravity the seasonal change was wreaking. I wasn't disappointed. Sickened, yes, but not disappointed:

Bike Shop, Lafayette Street - m4w - 39 (SoHo) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/609301809.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-17, 3:40PM EDT

I walked in last Friday March 14th at 10.10 am in the morning, You with track bike, talking to the store person about leaving for San Francisco. Bike chain on waist (I think) - you did not hang long, looked a little rushed, brown hair wavy, medium build, I'm guessing 5'7" tall. I'm guessing arts-related lifestyle. We briefly locked eyes and I thought what a cool energy you have. I had an old school Trek road Bike. When you return from San Francisco I would love to get to know you.


Firstly, the only thing worse than referring to your old crappy bike as "vintage" is referring to it as "old school." The phrase "old school" needs to finally be consigned to the slang incinerator, where it should be placed atop the ashes of "bling" and immolated immediately. It's getting to the point where people are going to start re-using condoms and saying, "Hey, baby, check out my old school rubber!" And that's not going to be good for anybody.

Secondly, it's "10:10 am," or "10:10 in the morning," not "10:10 am in the morning!" It's also not an ATM machine, nor is it 54° degrees. I really can't stress this enough without meeting you in person and strangling you until your face is blue in color.

Finally, your shrewd appraisal of her and your conclusion that she leads an "arts-related lifestyle" does not bode well for your compatibility. Should you finally meet, I don't think she'll respond well to questions like, "Do you like rock music?," I doubt she'll like that you call a person who works in retail a "store person," and I don't think she'll think the fact that you collect comic books qualifies you as artsy. I'm also guessing she was in a hurry because she sensed you were itching to use that "old school" condom.


Brown Acura MDX on I-95 "Swim Run Bike" - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/mis/611833997.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-19, 6:32PM EDT

Were you driving the above today on I-95? Drop me a line if so ... please.


This is interesting. At first it seems like a romantic entreaty, but on second read it could just as easily be something else altogether. Since the driver is a triathlete, if she drives like she rides it's possible she ran over this guy's dog or something and he's trying to track her down. The ellipses before "please" also imply desperation or resignation. It could be a sensual sigh...or a despondent one. (Perhaps resident ellipses enthusiast Bikesgonewild can provide us with some insight here.)

Triathletes with cars love to advertise their perverse inclinations on their vehicles, and the "Swim Run Bike" sticker is one of the more popular ways they do it. I suspect I must have some form of dyslexia though, because all I see is "Dork Dork Dork." Generally though it's unnecessary for them to display their proclivities in bumper sticker form since it's pretty obvious when a vehicle belongs to a triathlete. It's usually some kind of "sporty" dork-tastic SUV, and it's usually got either a trunk rack or one of those roof racks that clamp the bike on the downtube because they don't know how to take their front wheels off. Or if they're hardcore they're driving an Isuzu IronMan, the car that looks like it might burrow itself somewhere in your unmentionables:

In any case, I'd advise this guy to avoid her at all costs. Let's be honest--triathletes are creepy. There's just something wishy-washy about the way they flirt awkwardly with three disciplines. They're like David Bowie's sexuality, or like people who grew up in multiple countries and who can speak three languages, yet they speak each one poorly and with an untraceable accent. "Swim Bike Run?" "Avoid Avoid Avoid."

HOT Bearded Boy on Bicycle - w4m – 25 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/611902659.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-19, 7:33PM EDT

I see you all the time zooming around billyburg on your vintage bike. My bike was stolen by some native polish or puerto rican person. god i cant these losers that know nothing about the arts and on top of that they steal!! anyway youre hot and id love to stop and chat if i see you again. my name is Raine and im from Portland. been in brooklyn for 1 year. hope i see you again soon!!

Raine

I don't condone trolling, but I enjoy reading a good one now and again. I particularly like "Raine" because if she were real she could very well be the person the bike shop guy wanted to use his "old school" condom on. It also looks as though at least one hopeful soul was taken in by her:

re: HOT bearded boy on a bicycle - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/611958984.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-03-19, 8:29PM EDT

"My bike was stolen by some native polish or puerto rican person. god i cant these losers that know nothing about the arts and on top of that they steal!! "

Jeezz girl, I'm sorry but you sound real f- dumb... no thank you, but I am not interested in stopping for a chat about "the arts" with someone who has her head up her ass. Please do us all a favor and go back to Portland. leave Brooklyn for the more intelligence inclined folk. ciao.

Ah yes, "leave Brooklyn for the more intelligence inclined folk" indeed.

Worst of NYC Craigslist: More Stomach-Churning Bike Love

With Levi Leipheimer gathering signatures like a bucket of maple syrup gathers flies, people all over the country apparently moving by bike, and the "Save the Messengers" campaign in full swing, I figured I'd continue to revel in the spirit of togetherness by giving some additional exposure to the bike-related Craigslist "missed connections." Who knows? Perhaps some of the parties concerned will see this, make contact, and go on to find the misery they deserve:

Monday: You were riding your bike and stopped me to say "Hi" - w4m (East Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/589379303.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-02-27, 10:30PM EST

at the corner of 2nd Ave & 7th St. You asked me about my day. I was a little spaced out. Maybe we could talk some more sometime?

Sorry, life does not offer second chances. Unless your name is Mario Cipollini. But even then they rarely work out. It’s kind of like wrapping bar tape: you get one shot at perfection, and every time you unwind and re-wrap things just get messier and messier. Considering that this guy rides around town trying to pick up strangers, chances are he’s probably gone and wrapped his sticky underside around someone else by now. Let him go and look for a new roll.

Garrett Popcorn Shop - m4w - 33 (Midtown) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/589073120.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-02-27, 5:36PM EST

Last week, you were in front of me in line at the popcorn shop. You had a bike helmet in your hand and were wearing leg warmers, curly hair, you ran out of the store because you seemed like you were running out of time. You were the most beautiful thing I've even seen. We chatted, post back if you remember what we chatted about.

Did the chat go something like this? Because I think I was behind you guys in line.

M: Hey, do you ride a bike?

W: Yeah.

M: Wow, you’re really brave to ride in the city. I’m afraid of the taxis. I used to have a bike when I lived in Sardinia though. Have you ever been to Sardinia?

W: No.

M: Oh, it’s beautiful. Sheep country, you know. They have delicious sheep’s milk cheese there. Fiore Sardo, Pecorina Sardo, Pecorino Romano... Gosh, my mouth waters just thinking about it. You really can’t get cheese like that here in the States.

W: I’m lactose intolerant.

M: Wow, you’re really missing out. I’ll tell you what is delicious, though. This popcorn. Did you know that Halle Berry eats it?

W: No.

M: Well she does. So what are you getting?

W: I don’t know.

M: Well, I know what I’m getting. I’m getting a two gallon drum of the Macadamia CaramelCrisp. Then, when I get home, I’m going to melt a big hunk of casu marzu all over it. Casu marzu is especially delicious because it contains insect larvae. In Sardinia they call it maggot cheese.

W: Um, I have to go.

M: Hey, wait! Let me give you my number! We’ll have cheese!

Crashing Into You, Ludlow & Rivington - 32 (Lower East Side) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/586785087.html]
Reply to: [deleted]Date: 2008-02-25, 8:05PM EST

Totally my fault, a little lesson in humility...

Hope you're doing okay, I feel bad about smashing my bike into you.

Bloody nose and a fat lip was what I got and most certainly deserved.

All apologies, again.

Thanks for being such a good sport about it all.

While this person doesn’t include details of the collision, I’m just going to assume he was riding a brakeless fixed-gear bicycle which he was unable to stop. Brakeless fixed-gear related injuries are to the early 21st century what LSD freakouts were to the 60s, flared trouser-related slip-and-falls were to the 70s, Walkman-related tinnitus was to the 80s, and mosh pit-related tooth loss was to the 90s. If “When Harry Met Sally” were made today, Billy Crystal definitely would have flattened Meg Ryan at an intersection while trying to stop his IRO.

Sheriff of Nottingham's Daughter - m4w (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/585761901.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-02-24, 11:53PM EST

I was walking West on 23rd Saturday night with my weary Portuguese friend with an empty propane tank on the front rack of my Swedish military bike.

You were charming and on a hopeless search for wine with your friend.

Anyway, I realized we rudely neglected to invite you both to the BBQ when it gets warmer.

“If you couldn’t tell from reading my post, every single aspect of my life is contrived and pretentious. In addition to having a weary Portuguese friend and a Swedish military bike, I prepare my coffee in a French press, relieve myself in a Turkish toilet, wear a West Papuan penis gourd in warm weather, and have an unpronounceable sexually transmitted disease with an indeterminate country of origin. Because having a Portuguese friend is not as charming and whimsical as having a weary Portuguese friend, I make sure he stays weary by arranging inconveniently early dim sum breakfasts, challenging him to regular squash games, and placing phone calls to him in the middle of the night. I do hope you will attend our BBQ this summer, which promises to be well-attended by weary people of various nationalities, all wearing penis gourds, sipping mojitos, and discussing the arts, exotic locales, and vital issues of the day.”

Worst of Craigslist: Weird Weather Bike Love

Here in New York we're finally coming off a stretch of unusually warm winter weather. All over town this past week, fair-weather cyclists liberated their bicycles from basements and storage units, inflated their tires at gas stations, and took to the streets. And because their hormones were duped into thinking it was spring, these riders also awkwardly tried and failed to mate with each-other. As usual, the gristly evidence of these attempts is on Craigslist "Missed Connections," without so much as some police tape to warn you of the carnage. Here's what happens when mild people and mild weather collide:

bburg bridge, blonde boy on bike took pictures of me blowing bubbles - w4m - 21 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/534275056.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-10, 1:31AM EST

it was may and i was the platinum girl blowing bubbles with a friend. you got off of your bike and took a bunch of pictures of us. we were talking about it today and wanted to see them. could you send them my way?



So evocative was the warm weather that people suddenly remembered encounters they had in May. And so cartoonishly stupid is Williamsburg that the bridge that leads to it is actually lined with human bubble machines, like a portal to an alternative dimension of idiocy. If you've never been to Williamsburg, just imagine a real-world Myspace with a Fixedgeargallery overlay. When you cross the Williamsburg Bridge with its graffiti and flyers you get the same feeling you do when you enter a teenager's bedroom. I can only imagine the impromptu photo shoot that ensued when this guy got off his fixed-gear and started snapping away like David Hemmings in Blow-Up. It was surely an orgy of vanity. I don't think this particular bubble blower should hold out much hope, though. May was a long time ago, and he probably realized almost immediately that actual bubble machines have more personality and less predilection for getting embarrassingly drunk at dive bars.

Helped with your bicycle - m4w - 37 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/mis/535220496.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-10, 10:10PM EST

Hey there, I helped get your bike loaded on the bicycle rack. I was the guy from San Francisco who stopped and helped set up the rack.
I hope it stayed on. If you would like to get together for coffee or tea, send me an email. Cheers


New York can be irritating enough without well-meaning San Franciscans wandering around trying to help people like sprout-nibbling, peanut milk-sipping superheroes. There is nothing more annoying than unsolicited assistance, and I'm sure this woman was doing just fine before this guy, buzzing from an organic lunch, fair-trade coffee, and his own smugness, butted in, removed his fleece vest, rolled up his sleeves, and insisted on helping so as to establish this shoddy pretext for an introduction. "Hi! Having trouble with your bike rack? I can help you. I'm from San Francisco. We know racks because we love bikes and we especially love hauling them on our environmentally-friendly hybrid automobiles!" And to top it all off, he closes his post with "Cheers." Americans who say "Cheers" really need to know how stupid they sound. They need to be locked in a room with people who yell, "On your left!," people who say, "At this point in time," and Midwesterners who use Yiddish expressions, and made to listen to themselves. That should be enough to get them all to stop.


beautiful mountian man.... - w4m - 24 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/536947673.html]
Reply to: [deleted)
Date: 2008-01-12, 3:25PM EST

dear burly scarf clad mountain man,

i saw you riding your bike through the treacherous streets of brooklyn and i gasped at your beauty and manly grace as you weaved through the ice and cars. you made my heart go pitter patter. i was astonished by your choice in maroon sweaters with elbow patches since this too is my favorite color. maybe we can share a bike ride and hot cup of co-co by the fire on my bear skin rug. CALL ME.

your bashful brunette

Semi-fictional frontiersman Jeremiah Johnson?

Or bearded comedian Zach Galifianakis?



Walk your dogs down 12th - w4m - 23 (East Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/537473554.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-13, 3:08AM EST

i always see you walking your dogs late at night down 12th street. you asked me for a cigarette. you have a cool bike and cool dogs.

Ah yes--two moronic ships of cool passing in the night. Perhaps one day you will meet and discover all the mutual cool things you have in common: cool sneakers; cool bars; cool friends. Maybe he'll even teach you to ride a fixie. You'll revel in each-other's coolness for awhile, and then things will get uncool when you come home one night, his cool bike is in the hallway, and he's in bed with your roommate.

saw you stopping on your bike and taking a photograph of the sky. - m4w - 25 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/538006543.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-13, 5:32PM EST

You were biking through prospect park. You stopped and took a photograph of the sky. I was walking by and we both smiled at each other. I think we were both a little shy and awkward and didn't know what to say, so we just kept going our ways.

if you see this email me, i wanted to talk...

Riding in Prospect Park can be sketchy enough without people suddenly stopping and taking photographs of the goddamn sky. I'd also advise this guy to avoid this woman, lest he want to consign himself to a lifetime of neck-craning and picking out clouds that look like animals. In fact, he already got a reply:

re: saw you stopping on your bike and taking a photograph of the sky. - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/538224711.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-13, 9:30PM EST

maybe this is who you saw, but i think you are looking for a girl and this is a guy: davidhorvitz.com/2008_sky.html

sorry, maybe he knows?

Intrigued, I followed the link, and found it led to the page of someone who promises the following:

"I WILL SEND YOU A PHOTOGRAPH OF THE SKY FOR EVERYDAY IN 2008."

Now that sounds like a great service. In fact, he should offer a deluxe version, where he also includes a photo of his breakfast, and every three weeks or so he mails you an envelope full of his toenail clippings. Now that would be useful!

Worst of NYC Craigslist: Self-Loathing Bike Love

The typical bike-related missed connection usually involves either somebody using a bicycle as a pretense to get someone else's attention, or else somebody who has noticed a bicycle which has been used as a pretense to get their attention. Essentially, the bike is serving the same purpose as a haircut, a pair of shoes, a tattoo, or even a book--it's some tuft of brightly-colored feathers which is displayed in order to attract a mate. In this case, however, something much more insidious is going on. I hope this is one of those fake posts because the reality is too much to bear:

To the woman who opened her cab door into my bike - I love you! - m4w - 24 (Midtown East) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/484174599.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2007-11-19, 10:13PM EST

It was on 57th st. last week in the AM. You were probably getting fed up with the gridlock and opened your cab door right into my moving bicycle. You put a taxi-yellow dent in my handlebars and a huge purple bruise on my arm. A vulgar expletive exploded from my lips and a UPS driver unloading packages from the van in front of us started to laugh at me. As I was checking my arm for fractures and straightening out the wheel which you had knocked out of place, I began to well with anger...that is, until I saw you get out of the cab.

You had that hurried look of tension in your body that comes from a busy professional woman who is unaware of her own striking beauty. Your hips moved wildly from side-to-side as you stepped toward me to apologize hurriedly before walking off in your high-heels, your briefcase swinging gaily with the youthfully relaxed movement of your arm. I wanted to be angry, to yell, but I could only mumble something like "It happens" or "everything is great." All I saw as you walked away was the line of your legs and the curve of your shoulder. You looked like a carefully crafted precision instrument. Your skin reminded me more of the hard shine of steel than the delicate flesh of a woman.

You could have shot me in the guts with a gun right there, and I would only pray that I could taste your lips just once before the last beat of my heart.

You may or may not be aware that there is such a thing as a "self-hating cyclist." Curcumstances have somehow conspired to convince these people that their passion for cycling is not only less important than other aspects of their lives, but that it is something dirty and wrong. Consequently, like compulsive masturbators, they practice their loathsome habit furtively and only during stolen moments--often in the wee hours of the morning, long before their friends, families, and loved ones have arisen. Many are even forced to hide their bicycles and bike-related purchases like a teenager hides a dirty magazine under a mattress. Popular hiding places for bicycles include basements, poorly-secured bike rooms in apartment buildings, overpriced storage units, and--most depraved of all--outside.

What we have here is a self-hating cyclist. (And this is not only apparent from the fact that he's got an FSA carbon stem and a pair of wing bars on a 13 year-old Cannondale.) After being doored, he was indignant--and rightfully so. However, as soon as he saw that the doorer was an attractive woman his resolve melted like Pastali on a mountainous descent. Why? Because he is insecure. And insecurity breeds self-loathing. And self-loathing makes you stammer like a kid caught pilfering from the liquor cabinet after you're doored by some woman who's rushing to get to her Cyclists Suck meeting.

In a sense, dooring is the most insulting thing you can do to a cyclist. I'd rather be actively chased by an enraged motorist "Death Race 2000"-style than doored. At least the deranged motorist acknowledges that I exist. The doorer on the other hand is completely self-absorbed and oblivious. Cyclists do not exist in his or her reality. And there's no greater form of disrespect than non-acknowledgement.

If you're a non-cycling motorist and you happen to be reading this, here is the proper procedure for exiting your car into traffic in an urban environment:

--Pull all the way to the curb;
--Check your rear-view mirror;
--Check your side mirror;
--Open door a sliver, stick something reflective outside, and check again like they do for guards in prison movies;
--Close door;
--Open it again and peek out like an adulterer hiding in a closet;
--Close door;
--Slide over console into other seat;
--Exit onto the sidewalk.

Oh, yeah, and if you're in the middle of the street in traffic, STAY IN THE CAR!

This rider should not have let her get away with this, and the fact that he did means he's got a bigger case of Stockholm Syndrome than Patty Hearst. And even if her beauty was so great as to give him pause, he should not have then posted this entreaty once he had time to come to his senses. I mean, if he wants to degrade himself, that's one thing, but at least consider the rest of us. Plus, however attractive she may be on the outside, the fact that she is a doorer has opened the door to the ugliness of her soul.

Worst of NYC Craigslist SPECIAL EDITION: L'Amour du Velo

Williamsburg, Brooklyn*. Bikes are important here. If you live in a large city chances are you have a neighborhood like it in your town. It is a place where young men and women dressed in the height of fashion walk their bicycles (also dressed in the height of fashion) up and down the sidewalks like Afghan hounds. A college town without a college, it is a land where the new residents while away the increasingly large number of years between childhood and adulthood by desperately seeking things to have in common with one-another. It is also the place where I saw the only Specialized city-edition Langster I’ve ever seen outside a bike shop. (It was a Seattle edition, by the way.) Depending on your disposition or your demographic, it is either heaven or hell. Regardless, as a person interested in the increasingly important role bicycles play in this segment of society, I like to check into Craigslist Missed Connections every so often and search out the bike-related posts. It’s like seeing bike trends with bat sonar, and I’m surprised bike companies aren’t doing the same.


*[now incorporating Greenpoint and Bushwick]

bike accident on corner of nassau/mannhattan [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/415226820.html]

Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-09-06, 6:00AM EDT


When i was hit by that car last night. You came to my aid! I cannot say thank-you enough to the guy who called the police and who picked me up off the ground, to the lady who gave me water, to the little crazy man who drank that water (and offered me beer) and even to the motorist who stayed behind, who was cordial, even though his freind proclaimed me as drunk and without brakes.
It was an adventure, and after several hours in the hosptial to luckly have no broken bones, all I can say, is thank-you to those who stopped thier day to help out a stranger.
cheers brooklyn!
and if that was you e-mail me so I can buy you a beer!

Location: williamsburg/greenpoint

There’s nothing funny about a car/bike collision, but this one proves a suspicion many of us have had for some time now, which is that all these new brakeless riders must be hitting something. When coupled with actual statistical evidence (as linked to in the comments section of this site some time ago by an astute reader), the evidence is nigh incontrovertible. Alas, who will save our nation’s young? Who will affix a simple caliper to the front (yes I said front) of their fixies? Who will convince them that added stopping power is more important than the ability to do bar-spins unfettered? (And who will convince them bar-spins are stupid anyway?) And who will remind them that they’re no longer covered under Mom and Dad’s insurance policy, and that one day their parents will refuse to pay for both their rent and their medical bills while they wait for their bands to become famous?


saw you with a cute track bike.... - m4w – 35 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/415085357.html]

Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-09-05, 11:25PM EDT

This was a few months ago, but I remember you. My friend and I were walking back to his house when we stopped to get beer. I waited outside and I saw you with this cute little Bianchi track bike. I commented on needing a good lock and you said that your ex took it from you when you broke up. If that was an "I'm available" then I don't know what is. Anyhow, I think you're really cute and would love to take you out for dinner or something. I might be too old for you but I will leave that up to you.

Location: willie b

Ah, yes, the aged interloper. Upon getting dumped by his wife he immediately thinks back to the hot girl with the studded belt and the track bike he saw in Williamsburg six months ago and posts this gambit. If that was an “I’m available” then why didn’t you say something? When she said she didn’t have a lock, why didn’t you reply with, “Why don’t I lock your bike to a pole for you with my manhood?” She’d doubtless have replied, “Why, your manhood would have to be tremendous in order to do that!” You then could have confirmed, “Indeed.” Instead, here you are months later, writing a lame message, putting it in a bottle, and throwing it into the sea of desperation. I have a bad feeling the next step will be buying a Pista and riding it slowly through the ‘Burg, trolling for young fixie chicks like a dorkier Gordon’s fisherman.


so what color bike did you wind up getting..? [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/410819190.html]

Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-08-31, 3:02PM EDT


me - apple guy from bushwick with the beard getting my handlebars looked at (in the name of safety)..
you - cute redhead wearing glasses, said that you worked at cafe grumpy, getting ready to buy a new bike...
we had some really nice small-talk about riding single speeds, coasting, commuting to work in the city, and your friend who is a chef-turned-messenger (and loving it).

i'm kicking myself for not introducing myself.

drop a line, if you wanna pick up where we left off.

Location: williamsburg/greenpoint

Flopping-and-chopping your bars is one thing. Screwing up, going to a bike shop, and asking them if they’re OK to ride is quite another. This post does prove one thing, though: coasting is the new fixed.

Worst of NYC Craiglist: More Smarmy Bike Love

Every so often, instead of wading through the congealing muck of the Craigslist bicycles section, I like to go to “Missed Connections” and do a search for “bike.” The cynical side of me is amused at the notion of people riding around on vanity bikes, desperately hoping to be noticed. The cyclist in me enjoys seeing bikes in an unexpected context. (Like when you’re watching random TV show or movie and something bike-related comes up.) And, yes, the tiny poppy seed of sentimentality lodged deep inside my irascible, charred, and toxic soul does hope that somewhere out there two people on bikes will find each-other and find some measure of fulfillment. (At least until their nascent love matures into mutual disgust.)

But mostly I stumbled upon this awhile back and figured “Missed Connections” would be a good place to laugh at people. (And no, I would never place a fake ad on Craigslist. I am a curmudgeon, but I'm not a troll.)

Hott Bushwick Bike Commute - m4w - 25
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-08-09, 10:39PM EDT

Me: Hot cyclist on custom track bike that I hand built, wearing short shorts, bright colors, and lightly covered in sweat. Monday through Friday, 8:10-8:30am.

You: Every single babe that I see heading down the street or up the Williamsburg Bridge with a nice ass, chiseled calves, and tight clothes. Cyclists preferred.

Feel free to give me the updown, followed by your choice in cat calls. Don't worry, I wont bite. I just want to know who is worth stopping for. MEOW!

Cycling has long needed its own Leon Phelps, and we may have finally found him. The veracity of this post is questionable, since if he were for real I’d think he’d be more specific about his route. But for any ladies out there in the ‘Wick hoping he is, keep your eyes open for Richard Simmons on a track bike.

Messenger boy and girl in the window - w4m - 21 (East Village)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-08-08, 9:17PM EDT

Looking for the bike messenger who chained his bike to the fence in front of my window. Showed up twice this evening [since 8pm] and you are super cute. You had a red shirt on. Please see this.

8pm? That is not a messenger, that is a marijuana delivery person.

pink bike celeste handle bar - m4w
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-08-08, 3:03AM EDT

it seemed like i was seeing a lot of you for a while. we were riding in the same direction towards greenpoint on kent several times. i said good morning to you once as i was passing by. then we both had to wait on the polaski bridge one afternoon a couple of weeks ago while a boat was passing through. we mostly talked about you bike. i didn't ask for your number because i was sure i'd see you again soon. where have you been?

Sounds like a passionate conversation. Your insights into her bike must have really captivated her. Savor your memories of the Pulaski bridge and the garbage scow plying the unctuous waters of Newtown creek. Unfortunately, you probably won’t ever see her again because she’s changed her route to avoid you. That scow has sailed. (You could always try contacting the girl looking for the weed delivery service guy, though. Who knows?)