Sarah C. at Fullerton and Milwaukee, Chicago, IL

Sarah rides a Cannondale road bike.

*** Check out the trailer for Sarah's Documentary Grow http://growmovie.wordpress.com

Where are you going? Heading home after some thrift shopping

What are you wearing? vintage white beret, vintage legwarmers

Why ride? more exercise, puts you more in touch with the space you're going through
Favorite ride? LSD, While riding I listen to music and try to breathe deeply to get the fresh air in my lungs  

How can Chicago improve bike infrastructure or make Chicago more bike friendly?

Make it more clear to drivers that bikers have a right to the road and that drivers can get fined or in charged if they do not share the road properly with bicyclists.

Kristie, Smith Park, Chicago, IL

Kristie rides a 1986 Cannondale ST400, purchased from Working Bikes.  She loves it's red color!

Cycling Tip from Kristie:  Make sure you have lights on your bike for riding at night, especially now that the daylight hours are so short.

Color Me Nauseous: Cycling's Worst Paint Jobs

As internet galleries prove, there's simply no limit to how ugly you can make a bike. All it takes is some patience, a few cans of spraypaint, and a sense of childhood neglect that has festered into adulthood and sublimated itself into a tendency to make desperate bids for attention. Fortunately, though, over the years various manufacturers have made our jobs much easier by providing "pre-uglified" bikes direct from the factory or workshop. Of course, the cosmos of bicycle ugliness is simply too vast and gag-inducingly majestic to capture here. But here are just a few manufacturers who had the temerity to don a blindfold, pick up the ugly stick, and swing at the pinata of good taste with reckless abandon:

Klein

Before Klein was subsumed by the Great Trek Bicycle Making Corporation, they were responsible for some of the most magnificently hideous paint jobs the cycling world had ever seen. This pre-Trek beauty is a stunning example. It literally brings tears to my eyes, though I don't know if that's because of the bright colors, nostalgia for times gone by, or the fact that the thing may still be exuding paint fumes to this day that are strong enough to be smelled through a computer monitor. In any case, the last time I saw something like this I bought it from a truck and it melted all down my arm. Magnifique, Gary, magnifique.

Landshark

Klein may have been a giant in the world of ugly bikes, but Landshark is ugly bikes. John Slawta's paint jobs articulate an ugliness that other bikes can only allude to. Spraypainting wet cardboard in a damp room only begins to convey the types of designs we're talking about here. Dropping the rotting corpse of Jerry Garcia from a skyscraper and then photographing the results comes a bit closer. The above photo is a typical, but by no means exceptional, example. I believe the color scheme is called "Motion Sickness."

Oh, yeah, they're not just for dentists and lawyers either. They look great as fixed-gears too:

Colnago

Ah, yes, the maestro of mutilation: Colnago. Every other maker of ugly bikes owes this storied marque a debt of gratitude. Colnago's paint schemes are the very embodiment of professional cycling, in that both are essentially big knots of revolting colors competing with each-other for your attention. And certainly no instrument--no paintbrush, chisel, nor hunk of charcoal--has been responsible for more works of fine art than the airbrush, which Colnago wields with stunning effect. In fact, in the art world the very word "airbrush" is synonymous with exquisite taste. If the technology had existed at the time, Michelangelo would almost certainly have painted the Sistine Chapel with one. Finally, each frame's top tube is graced with that delightfully whimsical image of a cyclist as seen from above. Bent over his handlebars, his shoulders hunched with effort, it kind of looks like he's vomiting.

Trek

The Great Trek Bicycle Making Corporation knows everything, and one of the things they know is that ugly is not for everyone. That's why they introduced "Project One." I don't know whether or not this still exists, but in any case it allowed customers to express their individuality by choosing from a limited number of ghastly designs, including flames and lightning bolts. Essentially it catered to the same dubious tastes that drive 50 year-old suburban accountants to buy custom Harleys and wear leather vests and skull-and-crossbone bandanas. Project One lacks the ebullient ugliness of those early Kleins, the organic ugliness of the Landsharks, and the rococo ugliness of the Colnagos. Instead, it's robotic, mass-produced ugliness--which in a soul-crushing way makes it the ugliest of all.

Cannondale

For a mainstream bicycle manufacturer, Cannondale's paint schemes tend to be relatively sedate. Until they get in bed with an Italian superstar. That's when the hair comes down, the gloves come off, and the bikes get disgusting. An Italian, an airbrush, and a few bottles of vino is a recipe for il disastro col formaggio. In all fairness, you were only able to actually buy one of these bikes below, but highlights over the years include:

The Fabio Sacchi Tiger Freak Bike;

The Gilberto Simoni Spider-dork Bike;

and of course the Limited Edition Tricolore Dork-tacular. (As ridden by Damiano Cunego and...Gilberto Simoni.)

Orbea

Lastly, I'd like to give Orbea honorable mention. While lower-key than some, this Basque collective is nonetheless an inspiring example of teamwork in the service of ugliness. They may lack the audacity of some of the other manufacturers I mentioned, but they make up for it by blending their euro-flash paint schemes with bulging, swollen, and distended tubing. The result is a kind of three-dimensional ugliness you don't really get with the other manufacturers--the vileness really pops. In fact, in some way I think Orbea represent the ugliness of the future. And like the best ugly bikes, they will stand the ugly test of time by only growing more offensive and dated as time goes on.

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads #14 and #15

Well, the riders in the Tour aren't the only ones on drugs. There's clearly some serious substance abuse among the local riders selling their bikes on Craigslist as well. If you're looking to open a bicycle freakshow out in Coney Island before it's redeveloped, here's a brace of audaciously-priced bicycles that will round out your Stable of Horrors:

Cannondale Road Bike [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brx/bik/381118601.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2007-07-24, 1:29PM EDT

Cannondale Road Bike, Color white, New Tires, Brakes, Grips, Chain, etc. The bike just had a tune up 2 weeks ago. Runs in excellent condition/ very fast. Selling the bike w/ the stand, bike mini carrying pouches, speed o meter and Air pump.

For Sale $1500 negotiable.

Interested Call: [deleted]

Open to Serious Buyers

OK, this asking price is stunning, though it's negotiable of course. You have to love that boneheaded negotiating tactic--start with an absurdly high asking price in hopes of negotiating down to a ridiculously high selling price. He must be a NYC realtor. Then again he may be on to something--anyone dumb enough to even consider this bike at that price probably can't read the word "negotiable." Another hallmark of the Craigslist scrap-metal purveyor is mentioning the name of the color and then further explaining that that's in fact the color of the bike, as in: "blue in color," or "red in color." Here he says it's "color white." Thanks, just "white" would have been enough. People like this generally go on to say something about how the bike "runs," and this one's no exception. Bikes don't run! Cars run. Motorcycles run. People who have bought crappy Cannondales on Craigslist run after their bike falls apart and they have no other way to exercise. Then again, this bike does come with what appears to be an ammonia bottle on the downtube, in addition to a pair of simply mind-boggling handlebars. These bars were either built by Shiva the Destroyer or a very sentimental Irishman. If you buy this, just be careful not to get your head stuck in there.

--dabikejack--Vintage Peugeot Road Conversion - $350 (East Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/381111244.html]
Reply to: see below

Date: 2007-07-24, 1:19PM EDT

White, vintage Peugot Road conversion. Fixed or free wheel (flip-flop hub). 22 inches/48cm. Bull horn handlebars, leather saddle, black rims, yellow tires. Very good condition. For pickup, but will ship or deliver at additional cost.

Call Shane: [deleted]

$350? Come on. This is the most pathetic thing from France I've seen since Christophe Moreau. And who the hell is actually going to want this thing shipped to them? If this showed up at my house I'd move.

New Fixed-Gear Bicycle Owner's Manual

For the most part I like off-the-rack track bikes. More inexpensive entry-level anything is a good thing. It's what a lot of people are doing with these bikes that's infuriating. And manufacturers have followed suit by blithely dismissing brakes on their websites, festooning their bikes with graffiti, and naming models after trendy neighborhoods. Look to find something like this hanging off the bars at your LBS soon:

New Fixed-Gear Bicycle Owner's Manual

Contratulations on the purchase of your Bianchi Pista/Specialized Langster/Cannondale Capo/Jamis Sputnik or similar. Your new bicycle should give you many days of enjoyment until you tire of it for aesthetic reasons and list it on Craigslist for the full retail price in order to help fund the purchase of an NJS-certified keirin bike, a vintage Fender Telecaster, or your move to another, trendier city.

Until that moment arrives, here are some things you need to know in order to get the most enjoyment out of your new toy:

A Note on the Fixed Gear Drivetrain

Your bicycle is equipped with a fixed gear drivetrain. For this reason you may want to alter your riding style accordingly. Firstly, ride slowly. Very slowly. This is the best way to avoid obstacles. When riding with friends on city streets, in bike lanes, or in parks, it is acceptable to disregard the flow of car or bicycle traffic and ride in whichever direction you choose. Slowly. If you find yourself traveling in the same direction as traffic and encounter an intersection with a red light or turning vehicle and are unable to stop, simply turn right. Riding around the block will eventually put you back on course and save you embarrassment and injury. In fact, did you know it's possible to get to any point on an urban street grid using only right turns? Well, it is. And it's safe and fun! Remember this acronym: AAL (Always Avoid Lefts).

Furthermore, your drivetrain enables you to enjoy your bicycle without having to actually ride it more than a few feet at a time. Fun things to try include: skidding, skip-stopping, trackstanding, and putting stickers and colorful parts on it.

Upgrading

It is important to begin the process of upgrading your bicycle’s appearance immediately. This can occasionally have the side-effect of improving your bicycle’s performance as well. Fortunately there are increasing numbers of track bicycle boutique shops. These shops dispense with the selection, service, and expertise of old-fashioned bike shops and instead focus on catering to your every candy-colored whim. They can also offer you sound and practical advice. Best of all, they carry lots of cool t-shirts.

Proper Usage

Though the model name or advertising copy for your bicycle may include words like “pista,” “track,” or “entry-level racing,” in no circumstances should you attempt to use your bicycle on or for any of the above. Doing so shall void your warranty.

“Proper Usage” includes: riding slowly to the bike boutique to purchase accessories and clothing; photographing your bike for submission to on-line galleries; participation in ad-hoc skidding contests; and doing track stands for hours outside of the residence of a person you would like to impress.

Handlebars

Your handlebars are wrapped in tape made of synthetic cork. Please note that the purpose of this tape is to protect your bars during shipping. This tape should be removed immediately.

You should be aware that once the tape is removed the bars may be slippery and difficult to grip. If this is the case, remove bars from stem, invert, and re-install. Then, using a hacksaw, cut in the middle of the curved portion until the excess length is removed. Your hands will now be slightly less likely to slip from the bars due to the limited hand position. This is called “flop n’ chop,” and your bicycle is now a gelding.

Brakes

Depending on make and model, your bicycle may have been shipped with a brake or a pair of brakes pre-installed. These brakes should only be used in emergencies. Once you are comfortable bringing the bicycle to a safe and complete stop without using the brakes, they should be removed and discarded.

The term “safe and complete stop” means bringing the bicycle from 5mph to 0mph in a distance of no more than 50 feet.

Safety

Whenever operating your bicycle, safety should be your primary concern. Be sure to have a qualified mechanic install a top-tube pad immediately.

Thanks very much for your purchase, and welcome to the exciting world of track cycling!