Sticky Fingers and Sticky Issues: Thefts, Failures, Recalls, and Judgments

In yesterday's post I mentioned a stolen orange bike, which prompted commenter Kale to point out, "And, what's with the alarmingly biased ratio of orange bikes getting stolen?" Yes, it does appear that thieves love orange; awhile back I pointed out that "orange is striving to be the new stolen." Kale also did a little investigating on Craigslist, which yielded this:

STOLEN: Orange Crescent Fixed Gear (Bushwick)
Reply to: sale-983771089@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-07, 1:06PM EST

I locked it to scaffolding last night while at bushwick country club. This asshole knew what he was doing. It's a 1970 Swedish "CRESCENT" pepita special frame, orange, with an old mini U-lock attached to it. This bike has about 10,000 miles on it since I first built it up in 04. Dura-ace low flange hubs laced to mint green rims, with scuffed up sugino 75 cranks. Please let me know if you see any of this around. Good luck parting it out, you piece of shit.

Generally, when I mention a bike theft in a post, I try not to get too emotional. However, in this case I simply can't contain myself. Goddamn it, nobody--I mean nobody--steals a Swedish bike in my town! American, Taiwanese, British, Italian, French, that's one thing. But once you've hit Scandinavia you've officially crossed the fjord, and I can't be responsible for any harm that I might administer to you should I find you. I probably shouldn't say this, but I have a small room in the basement of the new Ikea in Red Hook, Brooklyn where I "deal" with Swedish bike thieves. I probably also shouldn't go into much detail about what "dealing" entails, but trust me, you'll think twice about your transgressions when you're bound to a Joakim swivel chair with your feet in a bowl of Ärtsoppa and a car battery wired up to your nipples.

By the way, the victim did not provide a picture, so I've made my own rendering according to his description. Using "technology," I did a fixed-gear conversion on this Crescent from Campyonly:



Eat your heart out, Taliah Lempert.

Here's another stolen orange bike:

Stolen Track Bike_Orange Samson NJS_REWARD - $1
(Lower East Side)
Reply to: sale-982791215@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 4:21PM EST

Bike was taken on Grand at Essex in LES about a month ago. Bright orange-red Samson. Generous reward 646.265.1199

Actually, this one's been missing for awhile. By the way, going forward my new BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance will feature pictures of missing bikes on the packaging.

This one's not orange, but it does have a "unique color pattern":

STOLEN Single Speed Road Bike - Reward! (Park Slope/Crown Heights)
Reply to: sale-982280161@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 10:47AM EST

Hey All, My bike was stolen outside of the Brooklyn Public Library yesterday (1/5/09). It is a single speed Motiv with a unique color pattern of Pink/White/Grey. It has blue handlebars too. If anyone sees it on here and wants to be a good citizen, you will be greatly rewarded! Thanks for your help.

We already know bike thieves have no scruples. (Taken in front of the library? For shame!) More than that, though, this post leads me to believe that bike thieves may also have a unique genetic make-up and may actually see color differently than regular people do. My current theory is that they can only see either orange alone or else every single color at once so long as orange is absent. They can't see any other solid colors by themselves. Perhaps I'll conduct some tests on my subterranean Ikea detainees. It will be a collabo with Kryptonite involving a giant Skinner box and a lot of Skittles.

By the way, if your Univega was stolen this guy has it:

I bought your Stolen Univaga (Williamsburg)
Reply to: sale-977191220@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-02, 9:28AM EST

Describe it to me and Ill get it back to you.


Of course, it's more likely the Univega was simply left behind. Univegas are like cheap umbrellas--if you leave one in a bar or a restaurant you might walk back a half a block for it, but once you turn the corner you just figure, "Screw it." And even if someone is seeking their missing Univega, they've doubtless been thrown by the misspelling in the posting title. "Univaga" sounds like a feminine ointment, and most people would probably be embarrassed to claim that from a stranger.

But while thieves only steal bikes that are orange or everything except orange, they'll take wheels of any type:

Stolen Wheel Reward (Chelsea)
Reply to: sale-982126225@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 7:44AM EST

A front silver hpplusson rim, silver spokes to a silver formula hub was stolen by canal street a few weeks ago. I built the wheel myself, and its laced under,over,under 3 cross. It also has a message to theifs on the inside under the yellow rim tape. Did you buy this wheel from someone? I work on this bike and could really use it back. Reward if found!!
thanks guys!

I wonder what the message to the thief was. I also hope it was written in orange, otherwise they might not be able to read it. And if you're looking for a common thread when it comes to wheel theft, that thread may very well be H Plus Son rims. Here's another one that was stolen and subsequently recovered:

UPDATE - Stolen Rear White Track Wheel (Reward)
Reply to: sale-980787000@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-05, 9:23AM EST

Found! someone saw my post on here and indeed bought the bike with my wheel on it. Going to go pick it up soon. PLEASE PEOPLE - If you ever see a person trying to sell a nice bike, parts to bike, or something just doesn't ad up. Buy the bike, post it here and you too might be a hero. Thanks! My wheel was stolen last night on Driggs & n8. Everything was locked up but the rear wheel :(. There was an older Spanish dude seen last night near Bushwick Country club at around 10:30pm trying to sell a junky blue conversion with my rear wheel on it. If you bought the bike I will pay you for the bike + reward. If you have any info please email me. Thanks!

It's a Black Phil High Flag hub laced with black spokes and black nipples to a White H+Son Rim. A 18t and a 16t cog on each side. Not many people have these rims, there hard to get.

The only thing rarer than a white H Plus Son rim is a "Black Phil High Flag" hub. Black Phil is noted rapper Black Rob's older brother, and is well-known for manufacturing high-quality bicycle hubs. While his Low Flag and Mid Flag hubs are more common, he only did a limited run of the High Flag hubs and as such they are highly coveted by all enthusiasts of bicycle components manufactured by the siblings of noted hip-hop personalities. (The only components that fetch a higher price are T-Pain's brother T-Bag's hand-fabricated antiseptic leather top tube pads.) I also wonder what the wheel's owner means by "Spanish dude." Was he actually from Spain, or was he just someone who spoke Spanish? Was he even speaking Spanish? Maybe he was a weary Portuguese and he just sounded Spanish due to fatigue. By the way, you'll notice that the transaction took place at the ironically-named Bushwick Country Club, where the Swedish bike was stolen. Fishy. Swedish fishy.

Incidentally, if you're not aware, H Plus Son rims were at the center of a controversy awhile back, when one of them mysteriously failed under a fixter. This drew the attention of none other than uber-curmudgeon and serial retrogrouch Jobst Brandt, who predictably used it as an opportunity to tout not only his well-known hatred of hard anodized rims ("I haven't seen such a split since black hard anodized rims first appeared on the market in the 1970's") but also to flaunt his super-human Bunyanesque riding ability. ("Well rims get over water boiling temperatures rapidly as I have tested in alpine descents. You cannot touch such a rim without burning the skin of a finger.") However, he did have the modesty to omit his story about using his smoking-hot MA2s to heat a pot in which he cooked a nourishing broth from copies of his highly-regarded book, "The Bicycle Wheel." (Though this may only have been because the film version is still in development.)

In any case, H Plus Son is a relatively new company, and they've got a ways to go before they begin to rival Mavic, the exploding wheel experts. Ever since unveling its carbon-spoked $1,300+ R-Sys wheelset, tales of spectacular failures have abounded. One online retailer actually says that "Mavic blows the doors of the laboratory with the new R-Sys Wheelset," and that should have served as a warning at the time. I don't work in product R&D, but I would think that something that explodes in the laboratory probably isn't ready for market. However, only now is Mavic issuing a recall:


Mavic now acknowledge that the front R-Sys can fail "during use in certain circumstances." They don't specify what those "certain circumstances" are, but I think we can infer that they mean "riding." As such, Mavic will give customers a "new upgraded R-Sys front wheel." I'm not sure what they mean by "upgraded" either, but perhaps the upgrade will include those crazy metal spokes everyone's been talking about. I hear they're totally bomb-proof.

Lastly, if you're wondering where things stand with The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend) rest assured that evaluations are proceeding apace. Also rest assured I'm not taking this lightly, which is why I have not rushed to judgment. Just to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with, consider this:



This is a submission from someone called "thealphastate." I have censored it to render it safe for work, but rest assured that in its uncensored state you can see everything. (And by "everything" I mean the place where you'd use Univaga.) In a tale worthy of Bust magazine, thealphastate claims that he met the woman in the photograph while he was trackstanding in an alley, and that after helping her repair her old crappy 10 speed they adjourned to his apartment where the above photo was taken and presumably a liaison ensued.

I can't show you the photograph in more detail at present (since, as I said, it's not safe for work and it's not hosted someplace I can link to), but I can show you something you probably don't want to see, which is another photo of thealphastate's fixterified Pista Concept in front of a washing machine. I can also say that my job as a judge is hard because:

1) The submission technically came after the deadline so I must decide whether or not to allow it;
2) I must decide whether or not to believe the alphastate's alley trackstand pickup story;
3) If the alley trackstand pickup story is true, then the photo was not conceived expressly for the contest; rather, it was an opportunistic photo later repurposed for submission to the contest.

This is just one example of the kinds of issues with which I'm grappling. But rest assured I'm not afraid of a little grappling, and I remain determined to wrestle this thing to the ground and declare a winner soonishly.

The Italian Job: Cycling's Crime of the Century

While the cycling press obsesses about the usual stuff like doping scandals, new product offerings, and yawn-inducing grand tour route unveilings, it seems to be missing the real story of the century—I’m talking of course about the theft of Velonews technical guru and vertically advantaged custom bicycle fabricator Lennard Zinn’s laptop. The theft occurred during Zinn’s trip to Italy for the Milan bike show, and as a cycling blogger it really hit home for me. While my old Commodore 64 isn’t much of a target for thieves, it does contain copious notes for the biography I’m writing about Carson Daly, and I shudder to think of what would happen if it were ever to get stolen. Zinn’s laptop on the other hand contained more bike porn than Pete Townshend’s contains kiddie porn, and since an actual mainstream publication depends on that steady flow of porn it’s a real blow to the cycling media. In fact, pictures from its hard-drive are already starting to surface on the internet:

(inside the Colnago factory)

(the line outside the exhibition hall)

(Castelli's new women's jersey)

(???)

While Zinn seems to think this was merely the work of some opportunistic thieves, I’m convinced that someone or something far more insidious is behind it. I’m currently investigating a number of suspects, among them:

Bicycling Magazine

Think about it—who had the most to gain from what was on that laptop? Bicycling’s readers demand a steady stream of the sort of distended carbon gimmickry that was on display at the Milan bike show. And sending someone over there to take pictures of it is expensive. You’ve got to pay for things like the flight, the accommodations, and the lavish Bacchanals for which cycling reporters like Zinn are famous. It’s a lot cheaper, however, to Paypal some guy a few Euros to pinch Zinn’s computer and email you the photos. And trust me, I’ve dealt with Bicycling, so I know what I’m talking about. I don’t want to get into details here, but if some guy on a Madone wearing a Primal jersey corners you in an alley and says, “Hey kid, wanna make a fast 20 bucks?,” just say no.

A Cadre of US-Based Bicycle Companies

In an age when carbon rules, Italian bike companies have become largely irrelevant. Once upon a time Italian frames were steel masterpieces painstakingly hand-crafted by skilled artisans. Now, however, they’re just hunks of plastic like everything else—except their bottom bracket shells are threaded the wrong way. Nonetheless, companies like Cannondale, Specialized, and the Great Trek Bicycle-Making Company will not rest until every last Pinarello, DeRosa, Colnago, and Basso is out of business. Or at least making coffee machines like they should be.

A Renegade Spy

Anybody who’s been to either Europe or the movies knows that the continent is full of two types of people: college-age American backpackers and renegade spies. In fact, you’re unlikely to actually encounter a European in Europe. You’re much more likely to meet either someone you sat next to in a lecture or a skilled assassin who is handsome, speaks six languages, has a knowledge of fine wine, and can rig a high-powered explosive from a cell phone, a pack of Galoises, and a Danish. It’s entirely possible that one of these spies either needed Zinn’s computer as part of some ruse, or simply mistook him for an adversary.

Himself

I feel bad suggesting it, but as Inspector Clouseau said, “I suspect everyone and I suspect no one.” I’m not saying Zinn’s a bad guy or anything. I’m just saying deadlines can loom large, and time can really fly when you’re out partying with Donatella Versace, Mario Cipollini, and Silvio Berlusconi.

Jobst Brandt

The raging battle between ubercurmudgeon, keeper of the rec.bicycles.tech FAQ, and serial retrogrouch Jobst Brandt and Lennard Zinn continues unabated. Nothing less than the future of cycling hangs in the balance. I’m sure that as Alessandro Guerciotti’s Maserati powered through the Italian Alps he and Zinn wondered how the strange man on the yellow bicycle with 10 centimeters of headset spacers was managing to keep up. I’m sure Zinn also got the strange feeling when he returned to his room in the early morning after partying with Donatella Versace, Mario Cipollini, and Silvio Berlusconi that something was amiss. Nothing he could put a finger on exactly—just a vague sense that things weren’t quite as he left them coupled with the lingering scent of bratwurst. If Brandt does indeed have possession of Zinn’s laptop, Zinn isn’t the only one in trouble. If you’ve got integrated shift levers, more than six cogs, and less than 36 spokes, your days could be numbered.

DISCLAIMER: The post above is meant in fun. I was sincerely dismayed to read about the theft. All the best to Zinn and Guerciotti.

BSNYC TV: Putting Bikes on the Air

I find it both surprising and disappointing that in these days of specialized programming and infinite cable channels there isn't more bicycle-related television. Sure, there's Versus and their potent cocktail of professional road racing, rodeo, and hockey, but after that it's a precipitous drop into the world of public access cycling shows. And while I applaud their DIY efforts, watching grainy helmet-cam images of neon windbreaker-clad men with helmet cams on hybrids is more like watching moon rover footage than cycling programming. After that, the only thing left is Youtube. So I say that, like the trackstand-impaired, we put our collective foot down and demand some shows. Here is some of what what you'll be able to see on my fantasy network:

The Fixies

These four Brooklyn-based, mop-topped, fixed-gearin’ bandmates pick up where “The Monkees” left off. They’ll skip-stop and trackstand their way into your heart as they make their way from gig to gig, girl to girl, and comic predicament to comic predicament. You’ll love how the denouement of every episode involves them scrambling frantically to make it to a gig to the strains of their own ersatz indie-pop. Season one highlights include:

--The gang gets lost on the way to the Bohemian Hall in Astoria, winds up in East New York, and tries not to get jumped for their bikes;

--Blaine “borrows” Fab’s custom-painted Aerospoke to impress a hot date, robbing him of precious street cred on the day of the big alleycat. Recriminations and hijinx ensue;

--The special “Christmas in Hawaii” episode has the airline losing the gang’s baggage and they’re forced to travel around the Big Island on wicker tricycles;

--When Sherrod gets a geared bike and falls in with the roadie crowd, the band must show him the error of his lycra-clad ways. The hilarious ruse the guys use to trick Sherrod into showing up for the intervention puts the “sham” back in “chamois cream;”

--Christophe attempts to wrench his own bike rather than take it to the shop and loses his fretting digits to his NJS drivetrain. Fortunately the hospital is able to reattach them, but he won’t be able to play that night. Will special guest Thurston Moore save the day?

The Jobst Brandt Show

The irrascible author of “The Bicycle Wheel” begrudgingly allows guests into his home and systematically berates them while extolling the virtues of non-anodized rims. His imperious browbeatings are interspersed with impossibly tall tales of his Alpine cycling exploits such as: the time he descended so quickly his brake pads burst into flames; the time he found himself without a spare tube, killed a bear, and fashioned one from its intestines; and the time he accidentally created the Loire river by dragging his frame pump behind him.

America’s Next Top Bicycle Mail-Order Catalog Model

This behind-the-scenes look at what it takes to make it in the cutthroat world of windbreaker, helmet and half-short modeling is sure to be nothing short of incendiary. Experience first-hand the sex, drugs, and excessive energy-drink consumption that takes place behind the cameras as a group of decent-looking ,corn-fed, and ethnically homogenous Midwesterners vie for the coveted fall Performance catalog cover. You’ll gain newfound respect for the production assistants who must teach these non-cycling J. Crew catalog rejects how to operate velcro, get into and out of clipless pedals, and in some cases how to ride bicycles.

The “Long Travel” Show

What do you get when you mix travel to exotic locales, freeriding, and extreme environtmental and cultural insensitivity? Awesomeness, that’s what! Watch as this fun-loving crew travels to some of the most amazing places on earth and completely shreds them. These guys are about platform pedals, not platitudes. In the debut episode they hit China, dam a Yangtzee river tributary so they can ride what their sonar indicates should be a “gnarly” riverbed, and consequently kill off the last of the baiji dolphins, also known as “pandas in water.” Then it’s off to Easter Island, where the famous ruins make for great riding and the traditional culture offers plenty of opportunities to offend. Comic misunderstandings will abound when the freeriders disgust the locals with their brusque manners, insatiable thirst for alcohol, and repeated offers of money for sex. And sparks will really fly when east meets west and the crew hits Mecca for some urban assault riding just in time for Ramadaan...

Paris-Breast-Paris

“Baywatch” meets “The Bachelorette” by way of “The Amazing Race” in this shameless ratings-boosting ploy in which a group of voluptuous women compete in a series of brevets to determine which one will win the hand of newly-single French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

Bike Law and Order: Fashion Victims Unit

In the first episode, “Something Rotten in the State of Denmark,” a controversial and misanthropic New York cycling blogger makes an innocent and lame joke about a fixed-gear-related t-shirt produced by a Danish company. The next day, he is flamed like a Norwegian church by an anonymous commenter whose first language does not appear to be English. Shortly thereafter the blogger disappears. The FVU team then uncovers angry chatter on a Danish internet forum. Is the t-shirt model responsible? Will the blogger be found? Will his Chicago counterpart be able to stand in for him successfully? Or is the fact that the FVU team doesn’t speak a word of Danish leading them down the wrong path altogether? Tune in to find out!

Helmet to Helmet: Cycling's Greatest Rivalries

Cycling is full of epic battles. Anquetil vs. Poulidor, Merckx vs. Ocana, Landis vs. Credibility--each one of these classic clashes has captured our collective imagination. But cycling rivalries go beyond the sporting arena. They exist in the very DNA of cycling itself. Here are five of the most bitter rivalries, none of which we can expect to be settled anytime soon:

LBS vs. MO

Defenders of the local bicycle shop say that online shopping can in no way rival the experience of entering a bike shop, being ignored by a staff of professionals, and paying a premium to cover their salaries. Advocates of mail-order say that buying online frees them from the constraints of being able to handle products and actually knowing what they're getting before it arrives six days later in a mangled box missing half its hardware. But regardless of whether you prefer good advice, bad advice, or no advice, brick-and-mortar and click-and-order will doubtless maintain their adversarial relationship for as long as there is crap to peddle.

Bib Shorts vs. Baggy Knickers

Are baggy knickers the bib shorts of the new millennium? Perhaps. Anecdotal evidence indicates new cyclists are abandoning the tried-and-true bib short and streaming towards the synthetic capri in droves. And they're not just for fixed-gears either. At all times of year, including the hottest summer days, you can see riders on every type of bike showing off an ankle and a few inches of hairy calf as they zip about town emitting a whooshing sound as their nylon-clad thighs brush against their saddles. For the time being, it would appear that the pendulum of cycling fashion has swung back to the age of full-body Victorian swimming costumes. But fear not, leg-shaving devotees of lycra. As long as the pros continue to race in skin-tight kits, millions of cyclists will continue to emulate them.

Jobst Brandt vs. Lennard Zinn

The polls may have closed, but the battle rages on. Cycling's anti-homunculi will no doubt fight on until the apocalypse is upon us. In fact, they may very well bring the apocalypse on themselves. While Brandt faces a dwindling supply of his favorite rim, the Mavic MA2, Zinn must confront the increasingly finicky torque specs and complex installation instructions for the carbon fiber components his minions badger him about in his Velonews Q&A column. Can Zinn stop Brandt from obtaining the MA2 rim extrusion mold, hidden deep within an active volcano? Will Brandt's uwavering loyalty to downtube shifting and helmetless riding be his undoing? Have both of them really solved the problem of bike shimmy once and for all? Only time will tell.

Monstrositor Vs. Gigantitron

Once the apocalypse does come, only two bikes will survive, and they will do battle on the scorched earth of our planet. Monstrositor's 700c rear track wheel allows it to cover vast distances quickly, while its 26" mountain bike front wheel and suspension fork enable it to traverse the vast fields of twisted metal and burnt bodies which will comprise the post-apocalyptic landscape. But most dangerous of all are its pehensile handlebars, which can also gore an opponent. Of course, Gigantitron will have a few tricks up its headtube as well. Like the segmented invertebrate it most resembles, this giant ant of a bike can lift many times its own weight, and its exoskeleton protects it from predators. It may not have Monstrositor's speed, but it does have dual suspension, and that could count for a lot in a future that may or may not have pavement. One thing is for certain, though--Gigantitron will have the last two Aerospokes on Earth, which will make it nothing less than a God.

(Thanks to the readers who forwarded those links, by the way.)

Fashion Vs. Common Sense

This is probably the greatest cycling rivalry of all. In Common Sense's corner are things like fenders, non-proprietary components, and handlebar tape. In Fashion's corner, just to name a few things off the top of my head, are things like:

--Having a computer on your fixed-gear but no brake (saw that the other day);

--Having two tandem stoker brake levers on your handlebars but no brake (saw that the other day);

--Using Zero Gravity brakes but not taking the light brackets off your bike (saw that in a race the other day);

--Wearing a skateboard helmet but not having a brake (see that one all the time);

--Using a top-tube protector with straight bars.

Sadly, I think Fashion's gaining an insurmountable lead.

The BSNYC Hump Day Poll Vault

Let's be honest. Who doesn't love a good poll? I think we can all agree there simply aren't enough of them. What's more, I think it's about time someone sliced and diced the world of cycling and polled the marrow out of every single aspect of it so we can see just what makes this thing tick. That way, maybe companies can come up with more and better ways to sell us stuff. So, with Interbike just over the crest of the next hill, I figured I'd go ahead and save them the trouble. If you're in the industry, no need to thank me. Consider this my "thank you" for integrated headsets, proprietary bottom brackets, and $70 cassettes.

Poll #1:



Poll #2:



Poll #3:



Poll #4:


(click here for the entry)



Poll #5:


(click here for the entry)



Poll #6:


(click here for story)



Poll #7:



Poll #8:



Poll #9:



Thank you for rocking the vote!

On Your Right, Hollywood! Five Sure-Fire Cycling Pitches

There haven’t been many mainstream films or TV shows that do cycling justice. I’m not talking about films like “A Sunday In Hell” that skew more towards the cognoscente. I’m talking about the ones intended for mainstream, non-cycling audiences. Some, like “Breaking Away,” work well. Others, like “American Flyers,” and “Quicksilver,” are just various shades of embarrassing.

The latest entry in the cycling film canon is “The Flying Scotsman,” which is the story of Graeme Obree. I have not seen this yet. While it seems like a worthy film, the commercial prospects of a movie that uses the words “Scottish,” “cyclist,” and “washing machine” together in the promotional copy seem limited at best. A Lance Armstrong film has also long been in development, and Matt Damon, Matthew McConaughey, and Gary Busey have variously been attached as stars. But that may never see celluloid, and if it does, I’m not so sure it will be a good thing.

Nonetheless, I think we need more films and TV series about cycling. Here are just a few ideas that I think have vast commercial and dramatic prospects:

Idiocy In Motion: The Ted Shred Story

Logline: In a time when it’s increasingly difficult to get noticed, bicyclist, DJ, and renaissance man of retardation Ted Shred revolutionizes cycling and carves his own identity by riding a Bianchi Pista with a freewheel and no brake.

Why It Will Do Well: This guy goes through Vans like UPS goes through, well, vans. The product placement alone should offset production costs.

Casting: Vanilla Ice or Vin Diesel would be ideal, but really anybody who can convincingly play mentally handicapped. (Is that a swarm of bees I hear? Or is it Oscar buzz?)

Smooth Legs, Hairy Face: Cycling’s Greatest Facial Hair

Logline: Featuring Sheldon Brown, Tom Ritchey, Jonathan Vaughters, 1990s Bob Roll, that bald guy with the beard from Mavic Neutral Support, and many others, this documentary takes a whimsical look at some of cycling’s most captivating beards, moustaches, and sideburns.

Why It Will Do Well: Americans love four things: Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll, and Facial Hair.

Casting: N/A

The Odd Couple, starring Lennard Zinn and Jobst Brandt

Logline: In this remake of the classic 1968 film, arch-curmudgeon and uber-retrogrouch Jobst Brandt must share an apartment with Velonews technical expert and espouser of all things new and gimmicky Lennard Zinn. Sparks will fly and laughs will abound as neatnik Zinn tries to clean Brandt’s filthy drivetrain. Meanwhile, a drunken Brandt rants about the importance of stress relieving while trying to throw Zinn’s seven pairs of Ksyrium SLs out the window.

Why It Will Do Well: Zinn and Brandt are the Lemmon and Matthau (or Randall and Klugman if you will) of the New Millennium

Casting: D’uh.

On A Steel Horse I Ride

Logline: “Breaking Away” meets “Cool Runnings” by way of “The Commitments” in this sports dramedy about a group of working-class teens in a Welsh mining town who, denied entry into an upper-crust polo club, take up the underground sport of bike polo and ride lugged steel and moxie all the way to the World Bicycle Polo Championships.

Why It Will Do Well: This will be the feel-good sports film of the year. Promotional efforts will include top-tube pads and spoke cards with the film’s logo, fast food chain tie-ins, and die-cast collectibles.

Casting: The team itself will be comprised of unknowns chosen from open auditions, but the part of the coach will be played by either Daniel Day Lewis or Anthony Hopkins. The evil rich team’s coach will be played by Dame Judy Dench.

Pedicab

Logline: “Taxi” meets “Friends” in this sitcom set in a pedicab depot in New York City, in which five recent private college graduates from wealthy families turned pedicab drivers grapple with love, life, and liberal politics while trying to make it in the big city.

Why It Will Do Well: Pedicab drivers are the bike messengers of the New Millennium.

Casting: Fresh faces would do best here, but Danny DeVito reprising his dispatcher role would be priceless. Expect walk-ons by Al Gore.

Retarded Wheelset Hall of Fame

(Mavic re-invent the wagon wheel)

So everybody probably knows by now Mavic is introducing a new wheel. I'm not going to get into the technical details, but it literally uses carbon-fiber drinking straws for spokes, and it's based on the same engineering principle as the wagon wheel. (I wish I were joking.)

Now I know that as soon as these stupid things come out I am going to be surrounded by them at local races, and I dread it in the same way and for the same reasons I dread going to Williamsburg. I hate most pre-built wheelsets, because (without getting into techinical details) they suck. So, in honor of the Jobst Brandtian tradition, and to coincide with the release of Mavic's new wagon wheel, I bring you The Retarded Wheelset Hall of Fame*

(*I know I'm missing a lot, but these are some of the worst offenders)

The Stupid FSA Wheels with the Triple Hub Flange

These sport a giant third flange in the middle of the hub. Because I think we all agree we needed another flange.

Specialized Roval Amoeba Freakout

Specialzied bought the old Roval name so they could produce this sci-fi nightmare. Like FSA, Specialized went to town on the flanges. Marketing tagline: "It's flange-tastic!"

Spinergy "You Can't Suck My Wheel Because My Wheel Sucks Too Hard Already" Spox

In keeping with the sci-fi theme we have the Spox. Actually, was this pronounced "Spocks" or "Spokes?" Don't know. All I know it was ugly, it was about as aero as a catamaran sail, and you don't see too many in service anymore.

Topolino Rolling Abortion

The concept here was one continuous spoke made out of some kind of flexible fiber that went all the way through the hub or something. Whatever--it looks like they have those plastic spoke decorations they put on kid's bikes. The name also evokes pure speed. Actually, it evokes Topol, the smoker's tooth polish.