Some Nerve: The Audacity of Audacity

This past Friday, you may recall that I mentioned the following Wall Street Journal article about the Portland bike racer couple whose exotic homestead features a luxurious crabon-filled bike cabaña:

To my surprise, Friday's post has subsequently accumulated something on the order of 15,000 comments, due largely to the fact that some readers objected to my irreverent take on the article.

As a blogger, I welcome and enjoy all commentary I receive, whether it's positive, negative, indifferent, or just random anonymous people posting one-word comments such as "scranus" and "nipples." This is because I love my "job," and anybody who so much glances at this blog--to say nothing of actually reading it and taking the time to leave a comment--makes my "job" possible and is therefore exalted in my eyes. Furthermore, I expect to receive negative comments, firstly because I often deserve them, and secondly because, well, this is the Internet and not a kindergarten classroom, and it's vital for society to have a socially-sanctioned blow-off valve in which it's acceptable for people to call other people douchebags.

Nevertheless, I was a bit puzzled by the negative commentary in this case, since I really hadn't even said anything mean about the owners. If anything, I gently ribbed them by trotting out the same tired Portland jokes I've been making for years, since I am a sustainable green blogger and thus recycle all my jokes. In this case, the joke was basically that the Butlers' bike room was not "smug" enough by Portland standards, because it had a bunch of race bikes and no "bake feets." Har, har.

At first, I was tempted to put the negative reaction down to regional cultural differences. See, the owners of the house are from Portland, as are the offended commenters. Sometimes I forget that as a New Yorker I'm regularly exposed to something called "humor," whereas Portlanders only encounter it maybe once or twice a year. Therefore, on the rare occasions when they do happen upon it, they tend to get confused in an endearingly Spock-like fashion.

To test my theory, I headed over to BikePortland, where proprietor Jonathan Maus had also mentioned the article. More to the point, he mentioned it in a sincere and joke-free fashion, just as I suspected he would:

Nevertheless, Portlanders were mad at him too. Even more interestingly, they were mad at him for exactly the opposite reasons they were mad at me:
Babygorilla December 2, 2011 at 11:29 am

Wow. Just wow. I'm generally pretty cynical in my postings, but I think I'm done with this site. A $1.5 million house for a "financial analyst" and his wife and they're holding fundraisers as the thing's being built and it took the comments to point this out on a site that is simultaneously cheerleading the OWS/Bike Swarm movement? I hope that the community support last winter saved the Butlers enough to upgrade to a redwood sauna.

http://bikeportland.org/2011/01/14/buck-a-pint-fundraiser-will-help-send-portland-racer-to-cyclocross-worlds-46058

Recommended 30

As you can see, 30 people "up-thumbed" that comment--that's more approbation than was received by any other comment on that post. So basically, people were angry with me because they thought I was being mean to the Butlers. Yet, at the same time, they were also angry with Maus for not indicting the Butlers on ethical grounds and castigating them for a perceived lack of integrity.

Of course, this is only part of the story, and other commenters were angry at me because they somehow thought I was actually encouraging #Occupy protesters to break into the Butlers' house and form a drum circle. Obviously this was not my intention, and to think that it was is--let's be honest--completely crazy. I mean, to say that I wanted anybody to break into their house is like saying these guys actually want you to jump into a garbage disposal:

Though I do maintain that the fork-in-the-garbage-disposal dance is poised to become the new drum circle. Just imagine thousands of people doing this at once. "The system" would topple overnight.

However, in retrospect maybe it was a bit irresponsible, since those #Occupy protesters are pretty impressionable. For example, a lot of anti-#Occupy people like to tell the protesters to "Get a job!," and at least one protester has gone and done just that--as a financial analyst no less:


She’s gone from Occupy Wall Street to occupying a job on Wall Street.

Down-on-her-luck protester Tracy Postert spent 15 days washing sidewalks and making sandwiches at Zuccotti Park — then landed a dream job at a Financial District investment firm thanks to a high-powered passer-by who offered her work.

Given the fact that the protesters will clearly do anything you tell them no matter how antithetical to their cause, it's only a matter of time before the 1% changes their heckles from "Get a job!" to "Wash my car!," thus transforming the #Occupy movement into one giant brush-free car wash.

Nevertheless, if you're crazy enough think I was telling people to break into the Butlers' house, then you're also crazy enough to think that Jonathan Maus was doing the same thing:

That sounds to me like a threat--assuming, of course, you're completely insane.

Anyway, I try to learn from all my experiences. So what have I learned from this one? Well, I've learned the following:

1) Portland's hemp veil of smugness is actually masking a lot of repressed anger that they are channeling into cyclocross, artisanal handicrafts, and blog commenting;

2) Never, ever, ever leap into a garbage disposal;

3) Dried fruit is delicious. (This has nothing to do with the house post, I just ate some dried fruit for the first time in years recently and really enjoyed it.)

Most of all, though, I grew nostalgic, for I remember a time when, like the Butlers, I too warranted a mention in the Wall Street Journal. In fact, I warranted two: here; and here. However, in those cases all the responses were universally positive. To wit:

3:17 pm March 30, 2010

Robert wrote:

Well it’s terrific that this self acclaimed bike snob “is at peace with revealing himself”.

Is this some kind of early April Fools Day joke!

New York is filled with snobs. Delicious to know we now have one for bikes.

3:23 pm March 30, 2010

Anonymous wrote:

Who cares?

3:40 pm March 30, 2010

Anonymous wrote:

Never heard of him, love it when the snobs put down 10 grand on a silly bicycle, more money back into the economy. Most of these people are just buying the bikes to impress their friends…

Actually, now that I look at them I guess they weren't so positive, but at the time I was much too happy to care, and I'd like to think the Butlers are feeling the same way.

And while we're on the subject of bike storage, here's a question:

Which is more ridiculous, having a lavish storage space for your 22 bikes, or having one custom bike that takes up your entire home?

I'd say you can make the strong case that the latter is far more ridiculous, especially since it describes me. 29-inch mountain bikes are very large, especially with appropriately voluminous tires and wide bars, and mine makes me the equivalent of those people who buy flat screen TVs that take up their entire living room. Here's my bike filling a Long Island Railroad this past weekend:

Sure, you might say having a fancy Engin singlespeed makes me something of a hypocrite, but in my defense I need those high-end bearings because it's physically impossible to keep it in my tiny home without at least part of it being in the shower. This means the bike is subject to water each and every time I bathe, which can be as frequently as twice a week. Also, bike bloggers need fancy bikes so they can make "epic" offroad excursions in faraway, exotic places like Queens:

Where they compensate for their poor riding skills by taking pictures of their fancy bikes:

And rummage around inside their impossibly smug Rivendell fanny packs (oh yeah, I totally rode in a fanny pack this weekend) in search of dignity:

After which they go back home:


And luxuriate in their designer saunas along with members of the Liquigas team:

(Forwarded by a reader)

While watching irreverent singlespeed videos on YouTube:

Of course, while taking gratuitous photos of your equipment is important, if you don't also upload the details of your ride to a social networking site then the ride didn't happen, so if you want to see my ride on Strava you can do so here.

It was, I'm sure you'll agree, "epic."

And if all of this hasn't yet turned you against me once and for all, consider that this stolen "bake feets" was recently recovered not far from where I live:

And despite walking right past it while was missing I did nothing whatsoever to aid in the recovery. Granted, I had no idea it was stolen, but that's only because I don't do my part for the "bike culture." Everybody true "bike culture" member knows that you're supposed to regularly read "bike culture" blogs and study stolen bike postings, and that you should determine the provenance of any "bake feets" you see in Brooklyn before moving on--especially if it's located outside of the Park Slope/"BoCoCa"/Williamsburg/Greenpoint smugness nexus.

At the very least, I should have photographed it and made fun of it, and maybe the owner would have seen it and something good might have come out of this blog for once.

Really, I should be forced to forfeit my fancy bicycle and ride a "bisexual" bike, like this one I saw on the Twitter:

70's Raleigh 3 SPEED Bisexual i suppose boy or girl could ride it :>) - $80 (EAST LANSING)

Date: 2011-12-04, 2:08PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Nice shape

Will need a little Hub work that little thing that goes in and out in the center of back wheel is not shifting good

CLEAN WE HAVE KEPT IN THE BASEMENT

Space might be a problem, but I could always put it in the sauna with the Liquigas guys.

Mating Rituals: Heeding the Call

When you think of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA, Earth, do you think of this?

Or this?

Or, like most people, do you just think of this?



Well, this coming weekend, Philadelphia only means one thing: Bikes, Bikes, Bikes!!! (Okay, technically that's three things.) That's because it's time once again for the Philly Bike Expo, Philadelphia's finest bike show and cream cheese-tasting festival!

There are about a million compelling reasons to go to the Philly Bike Expo this year: because you want to see awesome bikes; because your significant other, spouse, or life partner is a huge bike dork and is making you go; because you live in Philadelphia and there's nothing else to do... But one reason that's not even remotely compelling is that I'll be giving a "seminar" at 2:00pm on Saturday:


This is why the Philly Bike Expo is changing its slogan from "Artisans/Activists/Alternatives" to "Artisans/Activists/Alternatives & A-holes:"

Of course, if you've been to one of my appearances before, you pretty much know what to expect:



However, once I'm finished I promise to wake you up so that I can give away fabulous prizes. These prizes will include:

--The contents of a box of stuff from Knog that I haven't opened yet but that makes the sound of awesome when I shake it;

--"Skincare" from Rapha;

--Coffee from the Just Coffee Cooperative, the cooperative that can beat up any coffee shop in Portland;

And

--50 custom titanium Seven bicycles The remainder of my lunch, provided I'm not able to finish it.

So please show up and get free stuff, if only so I don't have to portage schlep any of it all the way back to New York with me.

With that out of the way, you may recall that yesterday I mentioned Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish's target of choice, Peta Todd:

(Peta Todd attempting to cover her breasts with her hands and missing.)

Well, as you probably noticed, she has the same first name as a popular animal rights group, and I happened to notice in the news today that this popular animal rights group is suing SeaWorld for slavery:

The suit, which PETA says it will file Wednesday in U.S. District Court in San Diego, hinges on the fact that the 13th Amendment, while prohibiting slavery and involuntary servitude, does not specify that only humans can be victims.

While I have my own reservations about zoos and animal theme parks, I also think this lawsuit is absurd, as it's clearly meant to deflect media attention from the fact that PETA itself is being sued by the model for "Kitty Takeover: Cat Week 2011:"

Mittens claims the animal rights organization used his image without his consent and seeks damages to the tune of $8.6 million. He also claims that Peta founders Ingrid Newkirk and Alex Pacheco plied him with catnip before the shoot.

Speaking of cats, and animal rights, and famous sprinters and reproduction (as I was yesterday), in a controversial experiment this cat:


Was exposed to Mario Cipollini for five minutes:

And six hours later, this happened:

The two most shocking things about this experiment were that: 1) All Cipollini did was look at the cat; and 2) The cat is a male. Such is the reproductive power of Mario Cipollini, who is himself part cat:

(What's with the sneakers?)

And all hormones.

Also further to yesterday's post, one reader left the following comment:

Anonymous said...

Extraordinary: a kind of triathlon where ppl actually do have bike handling skills, and better, they can fix a flat !!

October 25, 2011 12:52 PM

And included a link to the following video:



Inasmuch as you're about as likely to find good bike-handling at a triathlon as you are to find pants on Mario Cipollini, I watched the video with interest. Unfortunately, I was unable to find the bike-handling skills to which the reader referred. For example, they weren't here, where someone just rides off the trail for no reason:

Nor were they here:

Or here:



Or even here, on a flattish section of trail with nobody around:

Of course, I realize that these people have just swum a whole lot, so they're already tired. I also realize I've never ridden in Hawaii, so I'm unaware of the unique challenges posed by the terrain. For example, the fallen riders may all have been the victims of invisible lizards. Still, I can't help thinking that the race contains an awful lot of walking for a non-ironic world championship:


And as for the competitors being able to fix a flat, while I did see this, I also saw no evidence that he completed the job successfully:

Without substantiation, I'm just going to have to assume he's still out there.

Of course, I'm more than aware that there's no way I'd be able to complete a grueling athletic endeavor such as the XTERRA World Championships, and I also admit I walk so much while riding offroad that I should probably trade my mountain bike for one of these. Still, I also see nothing in that video to alter my suspicion that, for the vast majority of humanity, bike-handling skills dissolve in water like so much Alka-Seltzer.

And finally, thanks to Craigslist, I think I may finally have discovered the mating call of the "hipster:"

Auburn hair walking on southside of Manhattan Ave - m4w - 30 (WIlliamsburg)
Date: 2011-10-25, 2:15PM EDT
Reply to:

You we're walking on the southside of Manhattan ave behind the school at 2:45 on monday. I was riding my bike. You with your auburn hair, blue jeans and boots. Me riding by in my black hoody. I let out an "ewf". Sorry, you struck me pretty hard. That's all that would come out. Just wanted to let you know. You're a fox.

So if you're ever walking in a trendy neighborhood such as Williamsburg and hear a lilting, "Ewf, ewf, ewf...," just know that you're being courted. It may also be accompanied by some lizard-like head bobbing. Unless it's Mario Cipollini, in which case you'll hear nothing at all until the babies come.

Racing Towards Anxiety: Sowing the Seeds of Doubt

This past weekend, the Bicycle Film Festival took place in New York City. If you're unfamiliar with the Bicycle Film Festival, it's kind of like Sundance, only for the sorts of people who wear cycling caps as casual wear and ride brakeless bicycles with perpetually empty CETMA racks. I did not attend the festival, even though (or, more accurately, because) it featured films like that "Racing Towards Red Hook" video, the preview of which is so sublimely absurd as to warrant a second viewing:

expresso: racing towards red hook (trailer) from Jessica Scott on Vimeo.

In addition to the infamous "This ain't no hipster shit" quote, the "Racing Towards Red Hook" preview also features other rhinestones of wisdom, such as this:

"So many people have, like, this type of bike it makes sense to create some sort of sporting event around it."

I couldn't agree more. Given the popularity of fixed-gears it really is about time somebody invented some kind of competition in which these bicycles can be utilized. I think the ideal venue for a bicycle with a single gear ratio and no brakes would be some sort of flat, closed bicycle track, and instead of running lights and getting signatures on manifests or popping wheelies they could simply ride around and around it to see who's the fastest. It could be called a "velo-drome"--"velo" for bike, and "drome" for, well, drome--and if someone were to build some sort of prototype I have no doubt it would attract many fixed-gear cyclists with trendy moustaches:

Sure, it will be underground to begin with, but who knows? Maybe in 50 or 100 years racing bicycles inside of a "velo-drome" could become an olympic sport! I know it seems far-fetched, but hey, we can dream. And it will all have started thanks to the boundless vision of the guy in the Cinelli hat.

(Frank Warren: Non-Hipster and Inventor of the Velodrome)

It's hard to blame him for his exuberance though. After all, who among us has not discovered some new pleasure, and become so excited about it that we mistake this excitement for discovery? I know that was my experience when I tasted chocolate-dipped haggis for the first time. "Have you tried this?!?," I shouted exuberantly as I attempted to foist forkfuls of the stuff onto complete strangers. "It's amazing!" Little did I know artisanal chocolate-dipped haggis trucks have been all the rage in Brooklyn for like months now, and in my enthusiasm I came off as a total foodie "noob." Now, I know better, so I munch my chocolate-dipped haggis while wearing the appropriately fashionable expression of world-weary detachment.

Speaking of bicycle racing, that was one of the things I opted to do this past weekend instead of going to the Cycling Caps and Shants Film Festival. Even though I harbor no illusions as to my ability and enter races with little ambition beyond enjoying myself and not falling down, I'm usually excited before a race. I'm also always just a tiny bit nervous, mostly because I'm anticipating a state of anaerobic distress. Anyway, this was a mountain bike race, and as I stood there resting on my handlebars and awaiting the mad scramble for the holeshot, one of my fellow riders pointed to my arm and asked, "Has that been there from birth?" He was referring to a mole.

"I dunno," I replied.

"Well, you should really get it checked out," he pronounced in a dire tone.

One of my favorite things about bike racing is that, for the duration of the race, you set your troubles aside and focus only on riding your bike. Well, so much for that. Riding my bike was now the last thing on my mind, since apparently I had skin cancer. Basically, his words had the same excitement-quelling effect as slipping on a Larry King mask just before lovemaking. Then, my mind immediately shot to my recent return from Gothenburg, Sweden, when my driver had uttered these chilling words to me:

"You will die very soon. Mark my words. You will die very soon."

Sweet merciful Lob! It now became clear that he had put a curse on me and manifest a malignant mole upon my person.

A few rows ahead of me, a rider was wearing some sort of yellow LiveStrong helmet and glasses combo, and I resolved to push my way up to him and rub my moley arm all over his head and face in the hopes that his accessories might serve as a curative. Unfortunately, before I could get to him the race began, and like pretty much everybody else who was there that day he rode away from me rather easily.

Needless to say, I continued to reflect on this throughout the race, and at one point it occurred to me that perhaps it had been my fellow rider's plan to "psyche me out" all along by effectively transforming my race into a real-life "Seinfeld" episode. Furthermore, maybe I wasn't his only victim. For all I know, he could had been going from rider to rider and sowing seeds of doubt and fear in each one of them. "Hmmm, do you have a family history of glaucoma?," he might have asked as he peered into someone's eyes. "Did you just go to the bathroom again? Frequent urination can be a sign of adult onset diabetes."

In any case, if his intention was to undermine me he needn't have bothered, since in a race you can always count on me to undermine myself--and as usual, I did a commendable job of it. As for the mole, I suppose it couldn't hurt to go to the doctor, though I think I'll just take a picture of it and put it up on Twitter or Facebook instead. [Is my mole dangerous? If "yes," click the "Like" button!] Yes, here in HMO-merica, we're big believers in the power of amateur Internet diagnosis-by-consensus. Stuff like hands-on treatment and "universal health care" is for Canadians and communists.

Anyway, given my poor performance, I briefly flirted with retiring from cycling and taking up something less tiring. But what? For a moment, I considered origami:

But then I realized that the "origami culture" is probably just as cliquey and judgmental as the "bike culture." Consider the following:

Highlights of the exhibition included folded-paper versions of an Academy Award statuette, a miniature Buddha and a 15-foot Tyrannosaurus rex constructed by a group of students from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. All were completed without the aid of scissors or glue.

“We’re purists,” said Wendy Weiss, 44, of Holyoke, Mass.

Clearly scissors and glue are the brakes and derailleurs of the crafting world, and just like fixed-gear riders the scissorless-and-glueless set are way too self-righteous about not using them.

I suppose I could always sandbag as a Cat 6 racer, but frankly I don't think I could afford the equipment. As we saw last week, Cat 6-style flat-bar road bikes are becoming very exotic, and via the Twitter I've learned that cyclocross bikes are following suit:

2010 Stevens Team Cyclocross Bike (santa clara)
Date: 2011-06-24, 3:04PM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

2010 52 cm Stevens Team Cyclocross Bike

* Sram Red Components
* Custom built Velocity wheels with Challenge Parigi-Roubaix 700x28 Tires
* Ritchie WCS Flat bars, Seat Post and Stem
* Fizik Arione Saddle
* Speedplay Stainless Zero pedals

8 months old and ridden less than 1000 miles

Over 4500.00 invested with receipts.

Great straight bar road bike. World class Cyclocross frame . Just a tad too big for me.
Best fit probably 5'7"-5'10". Weighs just under 17 LBS. Outstanding frame and components for the serious biker.

Serious inquires please call Joe @ 408-621-[deleted]


Good thing he kept the receipts. I hear shame is tax deductible now.

Downgrade to Win: Increasing Results by Lowering Expectations

As cyclists, it can be difficult to resist the urge to upgrade. It’s especially hard right now, when so many tremendously exciting products are being announced. If you’re like me, you can’t visit a cycling-related website without learning about a new product you simply need to own right now. Just a few such products are:

Electronic Dura Ace

Finally! I don’t know anybody who rides Dura Ace and hasn’t been saying for years now, “You know what would make this group even better? Finite battery life!” Of course, while we can all benefit from electronic shifting systems, nobody will benefit more than triathletes. Not because the remote switches will allow them to shift without compromising their aero positions, but simply because they will now be able to shift, thanks to the “TT/Tri” version of the group. The complexities of a 10-speed drivetrain have long baffled most triathletes, who are unable to grasp concepts such as front derailleur trim and avoiding the large/large combination, and who consequently squander any aero benefits their behind-the-saddle water bottle holders may confer upon them by riding in gear combos that create more friction than a naked thigh on a metal playground slide. Riding behind a triathlete is like getting stuck behind a pepper mill—if that pepper mill were wearing short-shorts and kept trying to run into things. I’m assuming the tri-specific version of electronic Dura Ace will address the poor shifting habits of the triathlete by verbally scolding the user in a voice similar to that of KITT from “Knight Rider.”

Road Tubeless

Mountain bike tubeless tire systems have long traded convenience and easy tire changes for the ability to run extremely low pressures without risking pinch flats. Fortunately, the introduction of the road tubeless system brings all of this inconvenience to the tarmac, where the need to run extremely low pressures is virtually nonexistent. Frankly, I’m not sure the world of road riding is ready for tubeless. Not because road riders can’t appreciate the benefits, but because a disturbing number of them have not yet mastered the clincher tire. The sight of a $4,000 carbon fiber bike turned upside-down in the shoulder of the road as three or four people in various national champion jerseys attempt to repair a flat without removing the wheel from the frame is all too common these days, and adding an incredibly tight tire bead and some sealant to the equation does not seem like a good idea. The people who buy tubeless road systems will not be able to operate them anyway, so if they want to run lower pressures they might as well just use tubular tires. They can repair them in exactly the same way—by grappling vainly with them before pulling their Blackberrys from their CSC jerseys and calling for their wives to come pick them up.

Carbon Mountain Bike Wheels

Fortunately, when it comes to road and mountain technology, the exchange is not one-sided, and they’re swapping spit evenly when it comes to wheels. The roadies may have taken the tubeless road tire, but they’ve given the mountain bikers the carbon fiber rim. For too long, mountain bikers have had to do without the same level of wheel gimmickry road riders enjoy, due to the fact that things like rugged terrain and disc brakes call for more and evenly-placed spokes. But thanks to those same disc brakes mountain bikers can now enjoy the lighter weight of carbon rims, thus allowing them to take the weight savings and apply it to their already considerable midsections.

But what if you’re looking to increase your bicycle’s performance, yet you can’t afford these exciting upgrades? Well, don’t worry. As it turns out, these products won’t actually improve your performance—instead, they’ll compromise it.

As any good bike racer knows, rationalization is a key element to the sport. You don’t lose a race because it was too hard. You lose because it was too easy, and those damn wheelsuckers kept the group together, thus preventing a breakaway from forming—a breakaway which you would of course have gotten into, and from which you would have subsequently ridden away, thus winning the race solo while proudly displaying the logo of your sponsor’s urology practice. Furthermore, your placing in a race does not tell the entire story. Let’s say you placed 43rd in a race, but you finished with the same time as the winner. And let’s say the winner only works part-time, trains all week long, never drinks, and hasn’t known the sensual touch of another since—well, since visiting his sponsor’s urology practice. Meanwhile, you work full-time, never train, drink often, and had to pry yourself from the sensual touch of another in order to get out of bed and go to the race this morning. Sure, the “winner” crossed the line first, but you finished in the same time, and you didn’t give up anything in order to do it. Aren’t you the real winner here?

Similarly, the less you paid for your equipment, the more your placing is worth. If you cross the line on a $1,000 bike at the same time as a rider on a $6,000 bike, you essentially won, because you spent 5,000 fewer dollars in order to do it. Sure, $5,000 may buy you a fraction of a second here or there in the form of aerodynamics or lighter weight, but saving $5,000 is worth infinitely more in terms of bragging rights. And changing your perception of victory is way cheaper than changing your equipment.

No group has tapped into this wisdom more successfully than singlespeed mountain bikers. The singlespeed mountain biker revels in the fact that he’s accomplished the same thing as the geared rider, and he lives for that moment when someone is impressed by his ability to keep up while using a derailleur-less drivetrain. Of course, the truth is that on a lot of terrain a singlespeed mountain bike isn’t much of a handicap. In fact, often it’s an advantage. When confronted with a steep grade on a singlespeed mountain bike, you either have to stomp up it really fast, or you have to run it. Meanwhile, the geared rider will downshift eternally until he’s spinning a tiny gear so violently he simply falls over. It’s kind of like clothing. It might seem like you’re at a disadvantage if you’ve only got one pair of pants, but the fact is when it’s time to leave the house you just throw on your pants and leave. On the other hand, if you’ve got too many pants, you’ll need time to decide which ones to wear, then you’ll need to find a matching shirt, then you realize the shirt that goes with those pants is dirty, and you don't have any clean pants to match the clean shirt, and before you know it you’re 40 minutes late. Still, the singlespeed is perceived as a handicap, thus allowing the singlespeed mountain biker to stay up late doing bong hits, show up at the race the following morning, finish 15 minutes down on the guy riding the geared full-suspension bike who’s trained really hard, and still look like the toughest guy out there. (A notion that’s only reinforced after the race when he pulls on his one and only pair of grease-stained pants.)

So go ahead, upgrade if you must. But just remember: when you upgrade, anything that’s not a win is a loss. And when you downgrade, even a loss is a win.

The Fall Guys: A Guide to Cyclists in Autumn

In the Northeast United States, the Fall is a beautiful time marked by vibrant colors, crisp temperatures, and people in wool sweaters traveling around in Swedish cars and watching trees change color. Personally, I don't get that excited about the foliage, but I do relish the effect the Fall has on the local cycling population, which changes just as surely as the leaves. If you're ever inclined to take a Fall cyclist foliage tour, here's a brief but helpful guide to some of the things you should look out for:

The Triathlete

At this point in the year The Triathlete has transitioned from short-shorts and half-shirt to full-length tights and loose-fitting long-sleeved runner's jersey (which is an outfit that is a helmet away from a pair of pajamas). However, he (or she, of course) has not yet transitioned from the 53x14 gear, nor from the "tuck" of questionable aerodynamic benefit that is less Pro Tour time trialist than it is pedantic professor resting his elbows on a lectern. Not even the vibrant colors of autumn are enough to distract The Triathlete from his or her mission of beating leisure cyclists over modest inclines, striving to improve on "personal bests," and abstaining from all aspects of cycling except for the going forward with your head down part.

The Alarmist

When the days grow shorter, the mercury dips below 65, and the first leaf turns, The Alarmist bolts upright in bed, throws open the wardrobe doors, and dons every piece of warm-weather cycling apparel therein. Before the clocks have changed, The Alarmist has changed into his balaclava, helmet cover, battery-heated booties, and three-fingered lobster gloves. If Assos makes it, he owns it. If they don't, Craft does, and he owns that too. He lives in mortal fear of illness-inducing chills, goose bumps and nipple erections, and he dreams hot and sultry dreams of cycling vacations to Death Valley, Equatorial Guinea, and the surface of Venus.

The Polar Bear

The Polar Bear is the polar opposite of The Alarmist. This rider is either unaware of or unconcerned with the fact that cycling apparel comes in varying lengths and thicknesses for various atmospheric conditions, and his cycling wardrobe consists of one short sleeve jersey, one long sleeve jersey, and one pair of cycling shorts. He may or may not also own a neon green windbreaker for the really cold days. An opportunistic leisure rider who normally doesn't ride in cold weather but just has to get out of the house occasionally, he can be seen riding on frigid days, his legs pink with cold and his sweatsocks pulled up to the knee as he laboriously turns his triple crank at 35rpm in the big ring. One is tempted to tell him of the existence of such innovations as full-fingered gloves, hats, and leg warmers, but one is also reluctant to break the concentration as evidenced from the determined look on his chapped, frostbitten, and frozen mucus-covered face--a look he will wear for days until it finally thaws.

The Serious Roadie

Even the serious roadie takes some time every year to relax. He's no longer worrying about the season that's just passed, and he's not yet preparing for next season. He's just having fun. As it happens, this period of relaxation was last Thursday, from 12:00 to 4:30, and if you're a roadie worth your embrocations then you're well into training for next year's meaningless park races. At this time of year The Serious Roadie can be seen riding alone, or he can be seen riding with other identically-clad cyclists in tight formations designed to discourage any sort of autonomy or enjoyment. The Serious Roadie has temporarily downgraded from his $2,000 carbon race wheels to his $1,200 aluminum training wheels. He's also got either a Power Tap or an SRM, he's watching his watts more carefully than a security guard at a lightbulb factory, and he is under strict instructions from a highly-paid coach that he is not to ride hard lest he inadvertently compromise his chances for a top-20 finish in a Tuesday night Cat 4 training race, or, worse yet, enjoy himself. And if his spirit is not yet broken completely, or if he doesn't quite trust himself, he might even be riding a pair of Power Cranks, the cycling equivalent of a Victorian anti-masturbation device.

The Undersea Explorer

Picture this: you're in the woods mountain biking on a crisp autumn day. You've stopped at the top of a small incline to take a bite of food, sip some liquid, and enjoy the quiet tranquility of the forest. Suddenly, in the distance, a twig snaps, and you in turn snap to attention like a frightened deer. The snapping sound is followed by the rustle of foliage, and as it grows closer you hear an insidious panting sound. What could it be? A wounded elk? A rabid bear? Some kind of arboreal sex fiend? Suddenly, it emerges--a frogman clad all in black with a hose over its shoulder and a visor on its helmet, sitting bolt upright atop some sort of dual-suspension undersea rover, it bobs and beelines toward you, spinning a great-granny gear whose "inches" can only be measured accurately in microns. It weaves up the incline until it dismounts from the contraption about halfway to the top. Like a deer, you remain stock-still, monitoring it from your peripheral vision until it pushes the stalled vehicle up the remainder of the hill, remounts, passes, and allows you to relax again.

Rack 'em! Five New Cycling Magazines

There are certainly plenty of cycling periodicals. Even so, I’m of the opinion you can’t be specialized enough. Sure, the gaps between magazines may be filled pretty effectively by the thousands of specialty cycling blogs and websites out there, but there’s still nothing like good old-fashioned paper. Racers may have “Velonews,” recreational riders may have “Bicycling,” and fixed-gear riders may have “Paper,” but that’s not going to cover everybody. Here are some new magazines I’d like to put on newsstands that will surely make me the William Randolph Hearst of bike publishers:

Effete Roadie Review

The periodical for people who keep their road bikes in heated garages.

Articles and features:

--"Biking & Bibbing": 10 great wine-besotted European cycling tours;

--"Say When": How high is too high when it comes to leg-shaving?

--"Throwing The Baby Out With the Bathwater": You just found a scratch on your Serotta. Of course you should sell it, but should you part with just the frame or get rid of the whole thing? Why you should do a spreadsheet before you decide;

--"Putting All Your Fabergé Eggs In One Basket": How many Colnagos can you fit in a BMW X5?

Wet, Hot & Retro

The fetish magazine for retrogrouches that makes the “Rivendell Reader” look like the 2008 Specialized catalog.

Articles and features:

--"A Nub Is Enough": A steamy pump-peg pictorial;

--Philip Roth on chain hangers, chromed stays, and sex with shikses;

--A monthly “Big Lug” centerfold. (Look for a Columbine seat lug as “Miss December”) ;

--A behind-the-scenes report from the set of “Quills,” a remake of the 2000 Marquis de Sade film being directed by Grant Peterson;

--"Friction": Doin’ it on the downtube.

Anal Retentive Cyclist

The magazine for people so afraid of damaging their bikes that they won’t ride them.

Articles and features:

--"Itchy & Scratchy": 20 things you should never, ever lean your bike against;

--"Is This Ride Really Necessary?" Evaluating risk-to-reward ratio before leaving the house;

--"I’m Melting!!!" What to do if it gets wet;

--"Velo Dentata": Your drivetrain and why you should never, ever touch it;

--"Floating On Air": 16 completely scratch-free mountain bike trails;

--"Operation Nannycam": Trust your favorite bike shop with your repairs? Think again!

Urban Freerider

The magazine for people who like short stems, thru-axles, and giant headphones.

Articles and features:

--"Dirt": What it is, why you should avoid it, and what it can do to your iPod;

--"Drum and Bass, Video Games, and Weed": The three-pronged approach to mad bike skilz;

--"Stairing Contest Part 1--Brownstoned": Riding the stoops of Brooklyn’s historic brownstone district;

--"Stop! Hammer Time": How loose is too loose when it comes to pants?

--"Curb Your Enthusiasm": Why you need 180mm of front-end travel to ride off the sidewalk.

Cycle Commuter

For people who ride their hybrids to work instead of driving them.

Articles and features:

--"Cuff ‘Em!" Six pant-leg retainers compared;

--"Precious Cargo": Why you should carry your briefcase to work in your Rhode Gear Co-Pilot Limo child seat instead of removing it when junior gets too big;

--"Excuse Me While I Kiss The Sky": Think your bars are as high as possible? Think again! One rider’s inspiring tale of how he reached heights he never thought possible;

--"Hindsight is 20/20": How to affix an automotive rear-view mirror to your 80s Bell helmet;

--"Makin’ the Seen": 75 more places to put reflective tape.

BSNYC TV: Putting Bikes on the Air

I find it both surprising and disappointing that in these days of specialized programming and infinite cable channels there isn't more bicycle-related television. Sure, there's Versus and their potent cocktail of professional road racing, rodeo, and hockey, but after that it's a precipitous drop into the world of public access cycling shows. And while I applaud their DIY efforts, watching grainy helmet-cam images of neon windbreaker-clad men with helmet cams on hybrids is more like watching moon rover footage than cycling programming. After that, the only thing left is Youtube. So I say that, like the trackstand-impaired, we put our collective foot down and demand some shows. Here is some of what what you'll be able to see on my fantasy network:

The Fixies

These four Brooklyn-based, mop-topped, fixed-gearin’ bandmates pick up where “The Monkees” left off. They’ll skip-stop and trackstand their way into your heart as they make their way from gig to gig, girl to girl, and comic predicament to comic predicament. You’ll love how the denouement of every episode involves them scrambling frantically to make it to a gig to the strains of their own ersatz indie-pop. Season one highlights include:

--The gang gets lost on the way to the Bohemian Hall in Astoria, winds up in East New York, and tries not to get jumped for their bikes;

--Blaine “borrows” Fab’s custom-painted Aerospoke to impress a hot date, robbing him of precious street cred on the day of the big alleycat. Recriminations and hijinx ensue;

--The special “Christmas in Hawaii” episode has the airline losing the gang’s baggage and they’re forced to travel around the Big Island on wicker tricycles;

--When Sherrod gets a geared bike and falls in with the roadie crowd, the band must show him the error of his lycra-clad ways. The hilarious ruse the guys use to trick Sherrod into showing up for the intervention puts the “sham” back in “chamois cream;”

--Christophe attempts to wrench his own bike rather than take it to the shop and loses his fretting digits to his NJS drivetrain. Fortunately the hospital is able to reattach them, but he won’t be able to play that night. Will special guest Thurston Moore save the day?

The Jobst Brandt Show

The irrascible author of “The Bicycle Wheel” begrudgingly allows guests into his home and systematically berates them while extolling the virtues of non-anodized rims. His imperious browbeatings are interspersed with impossibly tall tales of his Alpine cycling exploits such as: the time he descended so quickly his brake pads burst into flames; the time he found himself without a spare tube, killed a bear, and fashioned one from its intestines; and the time he accidentally created the Loire river by dragging his frame pump behind him.

America’s Next Top Bicycle Mail-Order Catalog Model

This behind-the-scenes look at what it takes to make it in the cutthroat world of windbreaker, helmet and half-short modeling is sure to be nothing short of incendiary. Experience first-hand the sex, drugs, and excessive energy-drink consumption that takes place behind the cameras as a group of decent-looking ,corn-fed, and ethnically homogenous Midwesterners vie for the coveted fall Performance catalog cover. You’ll gain newfound respect for the production assistants who must teach these non-cycling J. Crew catalog rejects how to operate velcro, get into and out of clipless pedals, and in some cases how to ride bicycles.

The “Long Travel” Show

What do you get when you mix travel to exotic locales, freeriding, and extreme environtmental and cultural insensitivity? Awesomeness, that’s what! Watch as this fun-loving crew travels to some of the most amazing places on earth and completely shreds them. These guys are about platform pedals, not platitudes. In the debut episode they hit China, dam a Yangtzee river tributary so they can ride what their sonar indicates should be a “gnarly” riverbed, and consequently kill off the last of the baiji dolphins, also known as “pandas in water.” Then it’s off to Easter Island, where the famous ruins make for great riding and the traditional culture offers plenty of opportunities to offend. Comic misunderstandings will abound when the freeriders disgust the locals with their brusque manners, insatiable thirst for alcohol, and repeated offers of money for sex. And sparks will really fly when east meets west and the crew hits Mecca for some urban assault riding just in time for Ramadaan...

Paris-Breast-Paris

“Baywatch” meets “The Bachelorette” by way of “The Amazing Race” in this shameless ratings-boosting ploy in which a group of voluptuous women compete in a series of brevets to determine which one will win the hand of newly-single French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

Bike Law and Order: Fashion Victims Unit

In the first episode, “Something Rotten in the State of Denmark,” a controversial and misanthropic New York cycling blogger makes an innocent and lame joke about a fixed-gear-related t-shirt produced by a Danish company. The next day, he is flamed like a Norwegian church by an anonymous commenter whose first language does not appear to be English. Shortly thereafter the blogger disappears. The FVU team then uncovers angry chatter on a Danish internet forum. Is the t-shirt model responsible? Will the blogger be found? Will his Chicago counterpart be able to stand in for him successfully? Or is the fact that the FVU team doesn’t speak a word of Danish leading them down the wrong path altogether? Tune in to find out!

Manifest Destiny: Wither Cycling Bliss?

I left town this past weekend. If you’ve had ever had a pleasant dream only to awake abruptly and see it dissipate like a squirt of octopus ink into the ocean of reality, then you know how I feel after returning to New York after a trip. I cling to the bliss for as long as I can, but like one of those rubber water snakes the tighter I squeeze the quicker it slips out of my hand. Of course, in times like this it is tempting to ask myself if perhaps I should move, but generally the bitterness subsumes me before I can get very far along in my planning. As of right now though the negativity has yet to reclaim me fully, so once again I find myself plotting my escape. And although I didn’t leave the East Coast this weekend, my thoughts inevitably drift westward. Here are the possibilities I'm considering:

Northern California

Pros:

--The cradle of mountain biking civilization
--Mild weather
--Progressive bike culture
--San Francisco is a cosmopolitan city, so no big city withdrawal
--Great places to ride

Cons:

--Expensive
--Everybody in New York seems to be from the Bay Area these days, so something must be wrong with it if they actually want to move here
--The palpable undercurrent of hippiness frightens me

What I could do there:

Open a cycling school for Bay Area residents planning their inevitable move to New York. Classes will include light-running, pedestrian chicken, and sitting in for the sprint. The final exam will involve being pursued for six straight hours by a minivan whose driver suffers from a rare combination of narcolepsy, rabies, and myopia.

Southern California

Pros:

--Warm all year round
--I can’t think of anything else

Cons:

--Car-centric
--I like beaches, but I don’t like beach cruisers
--Too many people with flat-brimmed caps and bandanas on their top tubes
--San Diego is there

What I could do there:

Showbiz! Currently I’m working on a stand-up act. Actually, it’s more of a ventriloquist bit. A rusty Schwinn conversion named “Jeff Fixworthy” with a Budweiser beer cosy for a top tube pad takes the stage and I provide the voice offstage in a southern drawl. His “You Might Be A Roadie” routine should kill. “If you spend your day with your nose six inches from someone else's butt and you’re not a proctologist or the President, you might be a roadie.” (Cue groans now.) Who doesn’t love paceline humor? The sitcom offer should be forthcoming.

The Pacific Northwest

Pros:

--Huge bike culture
--Has actual cities as well as natural beauty
--Thriving cyclocross scene

Cons:

--Wet
--Portland sounds like Williamsburg, Brooklyn if it were exposed to radiation
--I’m haunted by the 1992 Cameron Crowe film “Singles”
--People who obsess over coffee like it’s wine drive me even crazier than people who obsess over wine

What I could do there:

Open a shop called “The Fenderia” that only sells bicycle fenders.

The Southwest

Pros:

--Dry

Cons:

--Dry

What I could do there:

Start a company called Custer's Last Trackstand that makes Native American-inspired beaded top tube pads, messenger bags, and riding moccasins.

The Rockies

Pros:

--Great riding
--Hotbed for bike racing
--Stunning landscapes, rugged beauty

Cons:

--Epic climbs make wheelsucking impossible
--Snows too much
--Frequent references to cowboys and ranches are unsettling

What I could do there:

Open a dude ranch for fixed-gear freestylers called the The Lazy Q-Factor. Visitors can wear chaps and practice calf-roping and cattle-herding on their fixed-gears. With the popularity of bike polo, stunting, and branding, fixed-gear rodeo sounds like the next logical step.

The Great Plains

Pros:

--No climbs to get dropped on
--No urban cycling trends to taunt me

Cons:

--Daunting expanses
--Tornadoes
--No urban anything
--Too much wheat, not enough gluten

What I could do there:

Start a Velospace-type website called “The Bikes of Wrath” where people submit Dorothea Lange-inspired photographs of their weathered and beaten bicycles and lament their lots in life.

It's All in the Details: Greetings and Salutations

Cycling is a community in the sense that a big city like New York is a community. It’s a patchwork of very different groups of people who share only one thing in common, whose regard for each-other lies somewhere between indifference and disdain, and who acknowledge or help each-other only in times of emergency. Nonetheless, like any community, cycling has its own modes of social discourse. As such, it’s important to understand the niceties and not-so-niceties that cyclists engage in on a daily basis. The slightest gesture--and even the complete absense of a gesture--can speak volumes. And nowhere is this more apparent than in the way cyclists greet each-other.

Waving

Generally speaking, waving at other cyclists is optional. However, if you’re going to wave, there are certain times when it is appropriate, and other times when it is inappropriate. This also varies from discipline to discipline, and from circumstance to circumstance.

On the Road

If you’re going to wave on a road ride, remember that like waves at like. While it’s perfectly fine to wave at every bicycle you see, frankly, it’s a little strange—it’s like a puppy who joyously greets and slobbers on every person it meets, even the guy robbing its house. Instead, try waving at people who are riding in a manner similar to your own. If you’re out on your touring bike with a couple panniers full of granola and dry underwear, wave at other touring bikes. If you’re out on your road bike doing your best impression of a Euro pro, wave at other Euro faux-pros. And so forth. Remember—waving is like doing intervals. You can only do so many on a ride before you get depleted.

How To Wave On The Road

You’re on a bike, not a boat. So don’t go raising your hands above your head like you’re back from a week at sea and your family’s greeting you at the dock. Here are the three types of acceptable waves, in descending order of friendliness:

1) Hand removed from the bar, fingers extended;
2) Hand still holding the bar, fingers lifted briefly off the bar or brake hood.
3) The barely perceptible nod.

When Waving is Gratuitous or Inappropriate (for road riding and touring)

1) In the City

The onus to wave increases proportionately with your distance from an urban center. The further afield you are, the more warranted a wave is.

2) On a Climb

If you’re passing someone on a climb, refrain from waving, or at most just do a finger-lift. Giving a hearty wave—or, worse yet, engaging someone in conversation—on a climb can be insulting if the person is suffering much worse than you are. It’s like fanning yourself with hundred-dollar bills in front of a soup kitchen.

3) If You or Someone Else is Doing Something Stupid*

Recently I was riding in a bike lane and I encountered a cyclist coming at me head-on in the wrong direction. As we approached, he had the nerve to give a friendly nod. I do not encourage this kind of riding, but if you absolutely must do something like that due to extenuating circumstances, do not have the audacity to wave or nod to someone riding properly. Instead, hang your head in shame or make some vague gesture in an attempt to indicate you couldn’t help yourself. And if you’re the one in the right, do not greet or return a greeting from one of these riders. They are, for that moment, cycling pariahs.

*(You may also choose to show disapproval for someone’s appearance or equipment choice by withholding a greeting you might otherwise have proffered, or by failing to return one. This is known as the "passive insult." While petty and immature, it is nonetheless acceptable as your intent cannot be proven.)

Off-Road Greetings

Greeting fellow cyclists off-road is different than greeting them on pavement. Firstly, you’re not seeing them coming from miles away—you’re encountering them in close quarters and on terrain that may make it difficult or impractical for you to remove your hands from the bars. Secondly, the fact that you're not on the road and are instead in the wild means that you must be more forthcoming. It's a man-versus-nature scenario, so like a platoon in the jungle, you never know when you may need to band together in order to survive. You can't afford to go snubbing people.

The common mode of greeting off-road is to offer a verbal salutation, followed by information about how many riders are behind you. Even if the rider's appearance, bicycle, or lack of technical skill offends you, greet him or her anyway. As above, you may need him later if, say, you're attacked by a leopard or cheetah, or if you need to fashion some kind of crude booby-trap from his rear suspension in order to stall an attacking army.

In addition to this, it should be obvious that on a narrow trail you should yield the right-of-way to riders who are climbing. They need to keep momentum in order to continue, and if you force them to stop they may need to push their bikes to the top of the climb. And being forced to push your bike up a climb you otherwise would have cleared is like a combination of coitus interruptus and having to ride your beater bike because your friend borrowed your good bike and crashed it.

And while you generally shouldn't snub in the woods, you should still withhold a greeting if someone is doing something stupid, like riding the wrong way on a uni-directional trail. Additionally, you should let them know their mistake, or at least play chicken with them and force them off of it.

Commuting Greeting and Interaction

Unlike road riding, where urban greetings are unnecessary and where snubbing those unlike you is allowed, you should be more omnivorous in your greetings when you’re commuting. Yet it’s slightly strange to wave at other commuters while you’re actually riding. You're all just going to work. Do you wave at people when you're on the subway, or on the bus? As such, a good rule of thumb is to greet other commuters only when you’re stopped together at a light. A nod or a simple verbal greeting is appropriate here. However, there are certain things you should never, ever do when greeting another cyclist in traffic:

1) Ask How Much His or Her Bike Weighs

This is the most annoying question you can ask a cyclist. It’s the “Do you come here often?” of bike questions. No matter how pretty and shiny the bike is, don’t ask it.

2) Ask How Much His or Her Bike Costs

It’s mostly non-cyclists who ask this question, but it’s still worth mentioning. This is not the kind of thing you ask a stranger. Firstly, it’s personal—kind of like asking a strange woman her bra size. Secondly, cyclists only like to talk about how much their bikes or components cost in certain circumstances and with certain people. (This usually involves things like rationalizing how their incredibly expensive headset was actually a bargain since it will outlast a cheaper headset by a factor of five.) Otherwise, asking cyclists how much their bikes cost is like asking alcoholics how many drinks they've had. It only makes them angry and defensive.

3) Do Not Touch Someone’s Bike

Again, this is mostly something non-cyclists do, but just in case you’re tempted—do not touch.

4) Do Not Comment On Someone's Lack of a Helmet

Yes, it's better to wear a helmet than to not wear a helmet. But the fact that you know this and are wearing one does not entitle you to point it out to others. If you find yourself compelled to make comments like this to people, do your best to suppress the urge and instead simply go home and resume work on the life-sized marble statue you're carving of yourself to celebrate your own brilliance.

The Golden Rule of Cycling

Of course, the Golden Rule of Cycling that transcends any circumstance or discipline is that if you pass a cyclist who is having mechanical trouble, you must always ask if he or she needs help. However, there's also a loophole to this rule. If you don't want to actually stop, simply ride too fast to hear the reply. Acceptable reasons to do this include:

--You need to be somewhere and don't have time, but you don't want to look bad;

--You're on your way back from a long ride and you're really hungry;

--They've got the bike flipped upside-down to work on it and that irritates you;

--They're riding a road bike but are wearing a Camelbak;

--They've got the audacity to be riding a $6,000 road bike without a toolkit.

--So there you have it. It's not pretty, but neither is cycling.--